“No you don’t. You still don’t. You want that girl back, but she’s not here! The one who thought there was nothing better than holding your hand when we walked down the halls, the one that was terrified of you getting a motorcycle, because I knew you would wreck it, and you did! Damn it, just wear a helmet for fuck’s sake! You have Trinity to think about and what would she do if you got yourself killed on that thing?” I sucked in a deep breath and let it all out in one whoosh. “But you know what, if you want to be reckless and stupid, go ahead! Because I don’t care! I do not care! The me that cared, the me that thought we were going to be Peyton and Lucas, she … is … gone! You took everything good in her and you destroyed it!” My chest was heaving up and down, and the tears were still there, welling in my eyes, but I refused to let another one fall.
I don’t know what I expected to see on his face, but the tender gaze and soft smile that looked back at me was not it. “No, I didn’t, and thank God for that, but I’ve never been more sure that the girl I’m looking at now is the same one who stole my heart and never gave it back.”
“Then you’re fooling yourself,” I spit stubbornly.
“Really? Because I don’t know any other goof who would rescue a stripper one night and then go into business with her the next. Who the fuck does that, but you? And who else would ream me over wearing a helmet and then try to convince me she doesn’t care in the same breath?”
“That’s for Trin, I told you.”
“And what about the record player? That for Trin too?”
“I don’t know, she bought it.” I shrugged.
“Bullshit.”
“Then if you don’t want it, give it back.”
“No. You know damn well I want it.”
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“It means a hell of a lot to me.” I shrugged again and avoided his eyes. “Stop acting like you don’t care, Shae. You can lie to everyone else, but not me, because it won’t work. I know your smiles and your laughter, and I know your tears. I know you inside and out because you gave it all to me.” A shudder I couldn’t explain rocked through me. “Some things might have changed, baby, but your heart is still the same. I also know that seven years ago, after a lifetime of shit, Heaven decided to fucking smile on me and send me an angel, and I was done. Fucking done, Shae.
“You were it for me, but after a lifetime of shit, all I knew how to expect was shit, so I messed up, but what we had, what we felt, and I know you were right there with me, feeling it all the same as I was, something that runs that deep, something that buries itself in your chest and seeps into your fucking bones and becomes a part of you, making everything burn brighter and hotter, can’t just be flipped off like a switch, or put out like it’s nothing. You can try like hell, and God knows I tried. You can cover it up, you can wall it off, you can go on living your life, but that thing is still in there, smoldering under the surface, just waiting for a spark, or something to come along and light it again and remind you that nothing and nobody else will ever come close to making you feel that way. And when you came to town, with that first look, you struck a fucking match and tossed it, Shae. All you’ve been doing is lighting fucking matches.”
I shook my head, emitting a weary sigh. “I’ve been cold for a long time Kellen. Whatever we had, the only thing left burning is the anger, and I’m tired of even that. So, whatever you thought having this out would do, whatever you were hoping would happen, just don’t. It’s done and I need you to back off.”
“It’s not done, Shae. Not even close.” He leaned into me, leveling those soulful blue eyes on mine, and then brushed his lips over my cheek. Tingles shot out as he whispered in my ear, “Season five.”
When he pulled back, we locked gazes again and I tried to ignore the meaningful look in his. “Season five?”
He backed up slowly, his lips turning up at the corners. “Think about it.” He winked and then pivoted around, confidently striding toward the door. I didn’t have to think about it. His hands pushed on the door and he was almost clear, but something in me couldn’t help my stupid self.
“You watched it?”
It fell shut when he turned face me again. “Yeah, I watched it. The entire season in one weekend, because it made me feel closer to you.” He took a step back in my direction. I glanced away, but he didn’t stop. “They lost each other for a while too, Shae, but everyone knew their story was only going to end one way.”
My eyes were drawn back to him. “It’s just a dumb TV show,” I muttered weakly.
“You’re right, but this,” he pointed between the two of us, “Is real, and for me it’s you. You’re it for me.” His hand snaked up to the collar of his shirt and tugged it down to reveal the ink streaked across his collarbone from his right shoulder to his left side. Instinctively I took a step closer, straining my eyes to make it out. A comet headed right for his heart. I knew what it signified. That comet was me.
I shook my head in disbelief. “Why would you do that?”
He let go of his shirt and it slipped back into place, hiding the tattoo. “Always been you, Shae. Only ever going to be you.” He put his back to the door and pushed. “I believed it then, enough to mark my body the way you did my heart. And I’m more sure of it now.” He spun around and exited the shop, leaving me stunned in place.
Twenty-Nine
Shae
April 18
Senior year …
The sun beating down between the branches of the old oak, breaking up our shade, made it feel like mid-summer instead of the start of spring. It was the perfect day, and the cool breeze that brushed my skin every few minutes kept me from getting too hot. I felt some kind of little bug land on my nose. I chose to believe it was a lady bug, and thankfully it flew off before my brain could convince me it was something more menacing and force me to open my eyes and investigate.
Kellen was stretched out beside me on the blanket. The length of his arm pressed against mine, and the entire right side of my body hummed with awareness. I brushed my pinky along his warm skin. He turned his palm over and took my hand in his. A smile I couldn’t help tugged at the corners of my lips.
Out here on Pope Martin Road there weren’t many houses, the only sounds that reached us in his back yard were the occasional squawk or chirp of a bird, the buzz of a bee and every once in a while a car would pass by out front, windows down, music pumping from the stereo, and then it would fade away with the tires on the road.
This is where we spent most of our time when we were at his house, and lately we spent more time here than at mine, because my mother had become downright hostile. I was counting down the days until I turned eighteen and then I wouldn’t even have to listen to her opinions. I was sure the reason Kellen seemed to prefer to be out here instead of inside was because he still hadn’t accepted that I didn’t care how his house looked, if their kitchen was clean, or if the smell of alcohol and smoke from one of his brother’s parties lingered.
I didn’t mind though, I loved it out here. His yard stretched into a big field of dandelions and tiny yellow daisies. It ran all the way to the tree line along the back of the property that separated it from his neighbors back there. The big oak we liked to lay beneath was near the back corner of his house.
I rolled onto my side, pressing my body up against his and setting my head on his chest. He unlocked our fingers and slid his hand under me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me in tighter. I folded my arms across his chest and rested my head on them, letting out a contented sigh. I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head. I shifted to perch my chin on my hands and take him in with my eyes. His eyes were shut and his head back, resting against the blanket. His expression was peaceful and relaxed.
Feeling my stare, he blinked his eyes opened and snaked one arm back beneath his head, tipping his chin. His hand around my back started sliding up and down in a soft caress. I hitched one leg over his thigh so that our bodies were tangled together.
“I think I could lay here forever.” Fresh air, sunshine on my skin, a cool breeze, the two of us together; it was my heaven here on earth.
“Me too,” he murmured softly, letting his eyes fall closed and relaxing his head again. I continued to stare, memorizing every detail of his face. The way his long, thick–unfairly so–lashes fanned his cheeks. The strong, hard line of his jaw. The slightly bent angle of his nose that kept him from perfection The fullness of his lips. The dimple on one side that was visible even when he wasn’t smiling, but more prominent when he showed off the beautiful, playful grin I loved so much. I reached one hand up and traced my finger along the side of his face, feeling the light stubble there.
His eyes opened and found mine. He held them locked in his gaze while I continued to touch his face, grazing my thumb over the corner of his mouth, and then tracing the swell of his bottom lip. Every part of him was beautiful, but those eyes … sometimes, like right now, I felt myself getting lost in them the way I would get lost staring up at the sky trying to find shapes in the clouds, but instead of looking for bunnies and elephants, I was searching for something else.
After a minute, I dropped my head back down to his chest, content to listen to his heart beat as his hand continued to slowly trace up and down my spine, over the thin tee I wore. Occasionally his fingers would brush over and tease at the strip of bare skin between my shorts and the hem of my shirt. Little tremors shuddered through me, making me want to squirm.
Feeling brave, I let one of my hands travel down to his waist and slip beneath the soft cotton of his shirt. A light speckling of hair trailed from his belly button down to the place I hadn’t explored, and wasn’t ready to explore, but I let my hand follow it up, over the hard ridges of his abdomen. His hand stilled on my back, momentarily, and then kept going once I reached his chest. I traced circles with my fingers over his skin as I familiarized myself with every ridge and indent and hard muscle that made up his lean upper body.
His fingers tugged my shirt a bit higher and then his hand was on my bare skin, skimming up my back. He grazed his nails lightly down my spine. I breathed in deeply, feeling it all the way in my toes. I shifted my thigh higher and pressed in tighter, massaging my fingers over his chest and then caressing them down over his stomach. His other hand came out from behind his head and landed on my upper thigh, just below my bottom where my shorts cut off. He squeezed and I clamped my thighs. The hand roaming my back slipped beneath the strap of my bra. I slid my hand out from under his shirt, and then tugged the neckline down, so I could press my mouth along his collarbone, up his throat and his jaw until I found his lips and sealed mine over them.
He smoothly and effortlessly rolled to his side, pressing me onto my back. He took my wrists in one hand and dragged them over my head, where the blanket ended, and held them there in the grass. Bolts of pleasure ripped through me as he used his lips, tongue and teeth to drive me wild and steal my breath. My back arched as he kept my arms trapped in his grip and my head pinned beneath his kiss.
His other hand gripped my thigh, fingers digging into my flesh, and slid up the side of my body, over my shorts and underneath my shirt, dragging it up to expose my belly. He tore his lips from mine and then feathered them over my neck and shoulder and along the v of my shirt. His fingers skimmed the underside of my bra. He pushed himself up onto one elbow, his fingers still tracing along the bottom of my bra, but his eyes were fixed on my face.
I could feel how warm my cheeks were and it wasn’t from the sun. My lips were parted slightly as I sucked in breath after needy breath. With my arms pinned above my head, my eyes as wild as I felt, I could only imagine the picture of lust and desire that I presented to him. Still holding my gaze, he dipped his chin and lowered his mouth to the center of my chest, right where the lacy fringe that traced the bottom of my bra peeked out from beneath my raised shirt. Everything important was still covered, but I felt laid bare. Then his tongue darted out and he tasted my skin. My eyes closed and my back arched again. He pressed wet kisses all over my stomach, even down to the waist of my shorts.
It felt like my insides were on fire, and each kiss sent another jolt of pleasure through me, electrifying every nerve ending in my body. My breathing became more rapid, my stomach muscles quivered and I wanted nothing more than to free my hands and bury them in his hair. I sucked in a sharp breath when his teeth scraped over the skin just below my belly button and his thumb grazed the underside of my breast. He continued to lay kisses over my abdomen and his hand pushed up underneath my shirt and splayed between my breasts. I tipped my head back, biting at my bottom lip. My knee bent and I dragged my heel up the blanket, pressing it hard against the ground and arching my back and hips.
His hand slid lower and curled around my hip as his teeth gently nipped and sucked at my sensitive flesh. My shirt was pushed up higher, exposing more of my bra. He worked his mouth higher until he reached the fabric barrier and then pulled away. I pried my eyelids open and met his darkened gaze. Whatever he saw in mine had him squeezing his eyes shut and rolling onto his back, a low groan dragged from his lips, “Fuuuck.”
He could say that again.
My arms were finally free, and I pushed myself up into a sitting position, watching the heavy rise and fall of his chest. He still had his eyes shut tight, one arm thrown over them. I pulled my knees into my chest and hugged them, waiting for him to come back to me while I picked at the dandelions beside the blanket. When he did, he looked up at me grimly.
“That was uh, intense,” I muttered.
He snorted a quiet chuckle and then sat up. “Yeah. Intense. And really fucking hot.”
The blush returned to my already warm cheeks and my eyes cut to my pink painted toes. I wiggled them and tried not to think about how badly I wanted him to keep doing what he’d been doing a moment ago.
He let loose another soft chuckle and then reached for me. “Come here.” He tugged me to him and then lowered us both back down to the blanket, him on his back and me on my side curled into him. “Maybe just keep your hands still this time.”
I buried my grin in his side and we laid like that a while, both of us doing our damnedest to keep our hands to ourselves. After a few minutes the tension melted away and we relaxed into each other.
“Can we just freeze time?” I asked softly. It was getting later in the afternoon and pretty soon I’d have to leave. I still had homework I’d been putting off all weekend, and tomorrow was Monday, which meant I’d avoided it as long as I could.
He didn’t say anything, just gave me a squeeze and stroked his hand over my hair and down my back to let me know he was feeling it too. After another minute he broke the quiet. “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?”
“I don’t know.”
He leaned up on his elbows and looked down at me. “You don’t know? Come on, if you could be anywhere but here, where would you choose?”
“What’s the point of this?” I asked, amused.
“It’s a game. Just close your eyes, picture yourself somewhere, the place you want to be most, and tell me where it is.”
I humored him and closed my eyes, letting my mind take me wherever I wanted to go. Then I opened them. “Right here.”
He laughed, “I don’t’ think you understand this game. It’s called anywhere but here.”
I pushed myself up onto my knees and sat back on my legs. “You told me to close my eyes and picture myself anywhere I wanted. I did. The only thing I see is you. The place I want to be most is wherever you are.” I leaned forward and dropped my hands to the blanket, bringing us nose to nose. “And you’re here, so I’m exactly where I want to be.”
The last word wasn’t even out of my mouth before he dragged me to his. I fell in a heap on him, and then we were laughing and kissing and he rolled me to my back again and hovered over me. “Go to prom with me.”
I pushed myself up onto my elbows with no small amount of surprise. “Are you serious?” I’d resigned m
yself to skipping my senior prom, knowing it was the furthest thing Kellen would find from fun.
“Yeah, I’m serious. Let me take you to prom.”
“Are you just asking because you think I really want to go? Because, I don’t want you to feel pressured if you’re going to hate it.”
“Shae, homecoming night you were the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen, and that was after all the dancing, tequila and tears. So, if you want to get all dressed up again, then I damn sure don’t mind stuffing myself into a tux so that I get to be the guy with you on my arm. I want to take you to prom. I want to give that to you.”
“Then yes, now lay with me a little longer before I have to leave.” We settled back on the blanket, my back to his front.
“What if I don’t let you go?” his low voice hummed in my ear.
“I hope you don’t,” I breathed. “I hope you don’t ever let me go.”
“I don’t want to,” he whispered, and if I’d been facing him I might have seen that there was something forlorn in his eyes.
“Then don’t. Keep me forever, and we can grow old beneath this oak tree.”
A soft chuckle reverberated from his chest. “Right here?”
“I don’t care where. I already told you, wherever you are, whether it’s here in this spot, in this house, in this town, in this state, or anywhere else, I’ll be fine as long as I’m with you.”
“I don’t want to stay here,” he muttered.
I turned in his arms. “Here, like right here?”
“This house, this town.”
“Then we’ll go somewhere else. We’ll leave after graduation. You can come to New York with me, and I’ll go to Columbia and you can do whatever you want.”
“I wish it was that simple.”
“We can make it that simple. Or if not New York, wherever. I’d go anywhere with you. I can find a school, and you can figure out what you want to do. We can make it work.”
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