by Dani Wade
She kept waiting for him to speed up, to channel the adrenaline from his dream into a headlong rush for oblivion. Instead, he seemed to lose himself in pleasuring her, drawing out every caress to gift her with the ultimate in sensation.
Sadie found herself drowning in the unexpected sensuality that lasted longer than she could have dreamed possible, until every inch of her body was imprinted with the memory of Zach on a cellular level that meant he would be with her forever.
She still wasn’t sure if a forever without him was something she could survive.
Thirteen
Zach let Sadie sleep.
It was the least he could do after waking her up last night. The thought that he could have hurt her during his dream hung like a chain around his neck.
Something he wasn’t proud of.
But he’d survive. He’d learned long ago that he could do this. He would do this. Healing just took time.
As did other things.
He remembered staring down at Sadie’s back as he made love to her in the hot tub. The flex and pull of her muscles fascinated him, because they represented the strength and character of a woman who worked hard and provided for others when she could. A woman he loved.
If he’d had any doubts before now, they’d been obliterated last night. But emotions were much easier to face and acknowledge in the dark of night. Now he was about to face her across the breakfast table, and he had some explaining to do...
Which always went down better with food. His mama had taught him that.
He was in the middle of cooking up waffles, scrambled eggs and bacon from the supplies his caretaker had brought in when Sadie made her way into the kitchen. The sexy tumble of her hair made him think of all the things he’d done to her during the night. His body’s elation muted the slight panic over his plan for this morning.
Her gaze followed him as he moved, but she didn’t ask any questions. He could go with it and not bring up the nightmare he’d suffered for the first time in a year or more, keeping his secrets to himself. He hadn’t even fully shared the experience that caused the nightmares with his family.
But he saw that as the dipwad way of handling this. He wasn’t going to take the easy way out—that wasn’t the kind of man he was.
“Are you trying to butter me up?” she asked, peering over his shoulder. “Because waffles are definitely the way to go.”
He’d noticed her love of both waffles and pancakes whenever Gladys served them at the B and B. So he might have been working with a little insider knowledge.
“Do I need to?” he asked, glancing at her over his shoulder as he plated the food.
Sadie didn’t look away or back down. Her gaze held his. “Absolutely not.”
Good to know. He hadn’t hurt her when he was thrashing around last night. She’d told the truth—she was fine. Now he would do the same.
He let her dig in first, lifting forkfuls of buttery, syrupy goodness to her lips before he got down to the dirty details.
“A lot happens in the years you serve your country,” he started. “Some of it is good—very good. Like the men and women you serve with. They become like a second family.”
He chewed thoughtfully on a piece of bacon. Sadie had slowed her own bites, as if her initial hunger had been eased somewhat.
“Some of it is bad—very bad.”
“I’m sure.” Her soothing voice coated his nerves like a balm. It was the very thing that had drawn him to her five years ago, that voice.
“One particular day was beyond bad.” He blinked, questioning for a moment whether he could actually do this. With a deep breath, he forced himself to continue. “I thought we were all gonna die. My platoon. My brothers.” Without warning his throat tightened, closing off his voice, his breath. The memory of that day could still tear him up even now. “But a friend, my best friend, actually, saved us all by throwing himself over an IED.”
Unable to handle whatever sympathy he might see in her face, he stared down at his plate. “He died instantly.”
Abstractly, he noticed the tight grip his fingers now had on his fork and forced them to loosen one by one. This mere exercise in concentration helped get him back on track.
“The nightmare is always the same,” he said. “I go back through the entire day, but I’m only observing it. I can’t stop anything from happening. I see all of the things I missed, everything I could have done to stop it.”
He clenched and unclenched his fists. “I yell at myself until I’m hoarse, but it does no good. I watch helplessly, unable to prevent his death like I should.”
Her gentle voice intervened. “Why should you?”
“It’s my job,” he said, handing over the rote answer, the least complicated one.
“You’re right,” she answered. “You are responsible.”
That had him looking up, misery snaking through his heart. But she reached out to cover his hand with her own. “Because you’ve made yourself responsible. But your friend would not want you to spend your life beating yourself up.
“Just like my sister doesn’t want me to stay home—” she pulled back from him “—to stop living, just for her. Their wishes don’t ease the sense of obligation or guilt, but ultimately, they want us to live, even though they can’t.”
Sadie dropped her fork onto her plate. He thought about her sister and how hard it must have been for her to encourage Sadie to leave her. He thought about his own mother and the many times she’d told him to go out and have fun.
Yet the only way he could do that was at an isolated cabin in the woods, because everywhere else he went there were things to do and people to take care of.
“Is that why you left the military?” Sadie asked.
Zach sat for long moments, unable to answer. The turmoil and confusion of that time complicated his thoughts. He finally said, “No. I really did want to come home to take care of my family. I hadn’t planned to re-up for another tour. After the inquiry, I didn’t have the heart for another go-round anyway.”
He glanced over at Sadie, surprised to find her eyes had widened as she stared at him. But her expression quickly melted into a compassion he hadn’t even known he was hoping for.
“Your family needs you,” she said, then waved her hand through the air. “You need this. There’s nothing wrong with it.”
Taking the few short steps around the table, Zach knelt next to Sadie’s chair and buried his face in her lap. His eyes were squeezed tight. He stayed there for a few minutes, taking comfort from her wisdom and willingness to share.
His grip tightened for a moment, unwilling to let go, and for the first time in over five years, he started to believe.
* * *
Sadie knew what she had to do the minute she got back to Black Hills, but still put it off for a few days. Every phone call from her mom increased her procrastination instead of spurring her to finish this farce. Every angry email, text and phone call from Victor increased her guilt.
The excuses were growing slim.
It hadn’t helped that she’d been completely out of contact for four days. Rather than risk a call while she was with Zach, she’d simply shut her phone down, turning it on only to call her mother each night. She’d sent her pictures of the gorgeous scenery covered in snow, including some she took when they went hiking in the dense woods.
Those four days seemed like a space and time outside harsh reality. Now she had glorious memories of Zach to hold on to for years to come—years that were sure to be even lonelier and colder than the last five.
But she had to check one more thing about Zach. This was the last avenue open to her. If nothing came of it, she’d already determined that she wasn’t going to lie just for the money. No matter how scared that left her.
She would call the lawyer, bypassing
Victor completely, and tell him she would give an affidavit testifying to what Victor had hired her to do, all the avenues she’d explored and that Zach was squeaky-clean and eligible for his father’s inheritance.
Then she’d walk away once more. At least if she disappeared she wouldn’t have to see Zach’s face when he realized who she really was, why she was really here.
It was the coward’s way out—but her reserves of strength were leaking out with the speed of an hourglass. So she was looking into the only option left: Zach’s military service.
The chance that she might have to use something so personal—his very intimate confession—against him...
Well, the thought made her sick to her stomach.
She’d done a preliminary search on her laptop, just to see if there was anything out there. Gaining access to military records wasn’t an option, but if the incident was big enough, it might have been reported by local media outlets in the US, especially in the deceased’s hometown.
Quite a few hits had shown up, but she didn’t dare read them when Zachary could walk in at any moment. Lately he spent more time with her at the B and B than he did at home—though he never offered to take her to his place.
They spent so much time together, the landlady had casually mentioned charging her for a second person. Sadie had adopted a deadpan expression and said, “Sure”—which had left Gladys a little startled.
Now Sadie glanced around the local library, wondering exactly how to use the computer system. She figured doing this anonymously on a public computer was the safest way to go. If she signed in as a guest, no one would be able to trace it back to her.
Finding the bank of computers near the back of the building, she was grateful to see they were mostly unoccupied. She signed in at the desk, using her sister’s name on the form. Then she chose the last computer on the end of the row, figuring there would be less chance of people reading over her shoulder.
Logging on, she retraced her internet search on this computer in a safe browser. Odds were, it was a useless precaution. After all, who would think to look at her browser history here? But just in case...
The first link happened to be to the website for the local Black Hills paper. Following it brought her to the electronic archives for the paper, but it needed a log-in for access. Deciding to come back to that, she tried a few more links.
The local paper for a small town in Pennsylvania wasn’t password protected. Sadie was able to learn the name of Zach’s friend who died, read the basics of his death and see pictures of him, his fellow soldiers and his grief-stricken family.
Sad. Very sad.
As if that wasn’t heartbreaking enough, there were excerpts from Zach’s speech at his friend’s memorial service, held after the soldiers made their final trip home. But it was a random sentence, late in the article, that told her she had to search further. As commanding officer, Zach had faced an inquiry into his friend’s death. No results were mentioned there, or in any other articles she read.
Frustrated, Sadie dropped back against her chair with a short sigh. What should she do now?
“Are you finding everything you need, ma’am?”
No. Sadie looked up into the face of a young woman who had a library volunteer tag on her shirt. No one had bothered her here in the corner, and Sadie had been grateful for the privacy. But maybe this young woman would know...
“Does the library have access to the local newspaper’s archives?”
The woman smiled. “We have the oldest editions on microfiche, but we have a subscription to the modern edition that’s available online.”
Well, wasn’t that handy. Sadie might have been happy if this wasn’t such an awful thing to be doing.
The young lady got her logged in and showed her how to search the archives.
“So I can just put in a date range, like this?” Sadie asked, typing in the dates for the two months after the incident.
“Yes,” the volunteer answered. “When you do that, it comes up in this neat preview version.” The screen filled with rows of little preview boxes, each with a thumbnail picture inside and a date directly below it.
“Cool,” Sadie said, scanning the pictures.
“You’re the photographer lady, right?”
Startled, Sadie looked up at the girl. Cautiously, she nodded, but the other woman didn’t seem to notice her sudden reticence. What if she started blabbing about Sadie’s search?
“I thought so,” the young woman went on. “I saw you at the mill one day when I was there to take my dad some medicine while he was working on the cleanup. I heard some of the workmen talking about you.” She reached across to take control of the mouse so she could choose one selection pretty close to the middle. “You might find this interesting, since I heard you were spending a lot of time with Zach Gatlin.”
Sure enough, the preview had a photo of half of Zach’s face on one side, something that Sadie hadn’t had time to scan down to see yet. When the woman clicked, the front page of the paper loaded, including a story with the headline Hometown Hero Returns After Tragic Ending to Tour.
Sadie sat frozen, unwilling to believe the woman had picked out the very story she needed to read.
“It was the talk of the town, even before he came home,” she went on. “He was lucky to even be alive. I just happened to be in Lola’s when KC brought him home from the airport. I’ll never forget his mama’s face.”
Having met Zach’s mom and seen how much she loved her son, Sadie could very much imagine.
The young lady looked up as another employee appeared on the other side of the computer terminals and said, “Sweetie, Miss Jane needs a bit of a hand with story time, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure,” the volunteer said with an eager smile, then turned to Sadie. “Hope that helps. If you need anything else, just flag one of us down.” Sadie was grateful for her eagerness to help, but she needed to be alone...now.
“Will do.” But Sadie sincerely hoped this was her last avenue of investigation.
It wasn’t until the women walked away that Sadie read through the story. It looked as though Zach’s involvement had indeed been questioned. But right below the picture of him and his sister embracing at the airport, it stated that he’d been found not guilty of any wrongdoing.
Sadie searched through nearly a month’s worth of articles until she finally found the most in-depth account she could have gotten. It was obvious from the cautious tone of the article that the author didn’t yet know the outcome of the inquiry.
According to the author’s source, there were accusations of inadequate planning and reconnaissance, which could have meant anything, since the military was unlikely to release every detail that was being questioned. Zach was being held responsible in his friend’s death, since he was the highest-ranking member of the team and had given the orders during the mission.
After reading all the way through, then one more time for good measure, Sadie cleared her browser history and closed the window. She leaned back, then looked up at the ceiling, as if the answer to her question could be found there. Even without her bias toward Zach, Sadie could tell this was just an instance of wrong place, wrong time. Zach had gotten off without even a reprimand, as far as she could tell.
But that didn’t stop him from searching for what he could have done differently to save his friend. The nightmares were his mind’s way of playing out his questions and his guilt. They were lessening with time, but would probably never go away.
That was punishment enough.
Now Sadie knew the truth. Her own search was over—her own guilt just beginning.
Fourteen
Sadie was once more wearing her fancy blue dress from the Blackstones’ party, hoping those who had seen it before would understand she was from out of town and hadn’t traveled with a s
teamer trunk full of formal gowns.
Her heart pounded as she waited for Zach, nausea welling up inside her. He’d paused to talk with the country club valet, whom he knew from working at the mill. If she could just stand here and watch him forever, she’d be so happy.
But deep down, she knew she had to end this tonight. Somehow she would find the courage to tell him the truth. He deserved to know how to claim his inheritance, and she’d decided he should hear it from her.
But first, just one more night together. One last memory.
Finally he headed her way, his dark good looks set off by the black suit and tie. She savored the way his gaze traced her body. No other man would make her feel as wanted as Zach did. She knew that beyond a doubt.
They joined the Blackstones at their table. Sadie realized she must be getting used to attending these events with Zach, because that feeling of unreality she usually experienced had disappeared. Too bad this wouldn’t last. As soon as she returned to Dallas, she’d be extra busy looking for a new position. Hopefully in the same social circles her former boss had enjoyed, so she could continue to keep their heads above water as best she could.
Victor had continued to pay her regular salary, in addition to all of her travel expenses, as if she were on a regular business trip, instead of seeking to ruin a man’s reputation. But when she came back empty-handed, all of that income would end.
She had some contacts within those social circles, so that might help. But her foremost concern was that her sister needed to remain close to the hospital and doctors who currently treated her. Sadie would hate to be separated from her family, but without the bonus from Victor, for finding dirt to disqualify Zach from his inheritance, finding work would be essential.
Wherever she could find it.
Christina sat opposite Sadie. The tired cast to her face prompted Sadie’s concern. The poor thing must be exhausted after handling her mother-in-law’s death, plus her own grief and her pregnancy, too. “How are you, Christina?” Sadie asked quietly, not wanting to draw undue attention.