Then, as the man of the house, I had to think about our financials. If I stayed put in the Army for another ten years, I’d be looking at bonus checks in the six-figure range. And that would be on top of my salary. Think of all we could do with that kind of money. And she, as a doctor, would be making that kind of money too. And thanks to the Army, medical school would be paid for. She wouldn’t owe a cent in student loans. Think of the life we could give our children.
Could we really just be two kids in love who gave it all up to be together? The longer I thought about it, the less I thought it was a real possibility. Our passions, our verves, our love, was too strong. We needed the Army as an outlet for all that energy. We were two people who needed to be in charge. The Army provided that for both of us. Without it, we’d only have each other to boss around, and I could only imagine how quickly we would find the fault in our choice. No. It was impossible. This one decision could very well be our ruin.
But then I looked at her and all the fear melted away: her hair had lightened and her skin had darkened a bit from the amount of time she spent in the sun over the past few months. Her arms were more muscular and her eyes slightly more tired. She bit her lip a little more than usual; she took deeper breaths, and let out deeper sighs. And I saw it all. To me, she didn’t look the same as the day I had met her, but I doubt I would have noticed the changes had I not been absolutely in love with her. Everyone else might see the same Hannah, but me, I see my Hannah. And I would follow her to the ends of the earth. That would never change, no matter what decision we made.
I really hoped she knew that.
“Can we stop at the gas station?” She interrupted my rushing thoughts of her. “I have to pee.”
I made a joking comment about her tiny bladder, but pulled off anyway, allowing her to jump out.
“I’ll just be a second.” She puckered up her lips and blew a kiss at me before closing the passenger door and skipping toward the station.
I went to grab my phone to scroll through the headlines, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw that she had left that crumpled piece of paper there, on the seat. I knew I shouldn’t read it. I knew I should respect her privacy.
But it was just too easy. I wanted to know what was bothering her, and she wasn’t about to tell me. If I were about to run away from my life to start a new life with someone I had only known a few months, there couldn’t be any secrets between us.
And so, I read the words on the page. It was a letter.
My Dearest Daughter,
This is the thirtieth letter I have written to you. I really can’t believe it’s been that many- the years really do go by too quickly. And just like the twenty-nine before this one, they all start the same. So without further ado, here is my message just to you, my Hannah.
Since the day you were born, I promised myself I would do everything in my power to stay by your side. But, as is the nature of my career, I knew there might come a day when I would have to break that promise. And so, for each tour I was deployed on, for each mission I took, no matter how small, I have written you a letter… just in case I didn’t get to say goodbye. My dear Hannah, I cringe to write this, but if you are reading this letter, then this is my final farewell. I’m so sorry it had to be this way.
I was joking with your mother the other day that you were going to grow up just like me. She just about slapped me across the face, as I’m sure you can imagine. We were watching you do your homework. It’s a silly thing that parents do- spy on their kids when they’re not looking. But we all do it. We pat ourselves on the back as we admire our handiwork, but mostly, we just stare in awe. Especially at you. Sure, we raised you, we taught you right from wrong and good from evil, but then you took over. You made choices, commitments, and promises of your own. You became a person. And that person that you have become, that you’re still becoming, is fascinating.
I could go on and on about your perfect qualities. You have so many of them- too many to list on this single page. But that’s not what I’m doing here. Instead, I’m telling you the traits of yours that people might try to take away from you, claiming that they won’t propel you forward in this world. Don’t listen to those people, baby. You must remember that these very traits make up the person you are, and that person is perfect.
You’re stubborn. I can say that flat out, because I’m your father. And people will be very annoyed by that, but don’t let them break you down when you know you’re right. And you’re my daughter, so let’s be honest, you’re always right.
You hate being told what to do by people who you deem less than worthy of your respect. It’s not a bad trait by any means, I’m that way myself, and I’ll attest that it saves you time and energy. It’s no use putting effort into a relationship that is beneath you. But, be warned, that trait could easily get you in trouble some day if you don’t learn how to smooth it out.
And lastly, damn. You handle a gun better than most men on my team. Whatever you do, don’t hide that talent because someone says it’s not “girlie enough”. If a boy tries to mess with you, then he must know whom he’s dealing with.
I have this dream for you that you’ll use your power for good. I dream you’ll travel the world saving lives, or be some sort of activist, speaking your word out and inspiring those less fortunate. But then I have this other dream… I have a dream where we work together. It would be just as fun as when we used to play those war games on the living room floor, or when we went camping every summer, or when we played cops and robbers with those silly Nerf guns in the basement.
My dream is that we’ll save the world together, Hannah. You and me, just like we used to talk about around the campfire.
But then I have this enveloping fear that if you’re reading this letter now, it will change you. I fear that you’ll give up, that you won’t understand your own purpose. I fear you’ll let your power slip away.
Don’t. That’s all I can ask of you, and this is the only way I can ask it. Don’t give up. Fight. Fight for me. Fight for us. Fight for that little girl who beat me at chess the first time you ever played. And I know you’ve asked me time and time again since, but I will promise you one last time, that I didn’t let you win. You did that all yourself.
If you keep going, if you fight, if you stay true to who you are, then you will no doubt save the world. And knowing that I had a part in making you who you are today allows me to know, that in a way, I will save the world too.
I love you, Hannah. I love you so very much, and I am so very sorry that I put you through this pain.
Oh, and one more thing: take care of your mom. She’ll pretend, but we both know that she’s not as strong as you, and she won’t be able to get through this without you by her side. Make sure you tell her every day that you love her.
Promise?
Love,
Dad
I carefully folded up the piece of paper back the way I had found it and set it on the seat. There was no way we were running away together, at least not now. Hannah first had to save the world.
Chapter Nine
Hannah
“So what’s the plan here?” I looked ahead at the guard stationed outside of the gates at Fort Bragg. “Are we just going to go in and tell the boss man we’re cutting out?” I tried to make it sound like I was taking it all lightly, though I really wasn’t. In all actuality, I was fucking scared.
“The plan is that we stay.” Charlie’s eyes remained ahead; he didn’t even look at me. “We put in the work we were born to do, with no more talks of running away.”
His solemn monotone expression confused me. Was he being serious? Were we really not going to run away together… after all that we had talked about? And was he not even going to consult me on the situation? Did I not get an opinion here?
“I’m… confused.” I tried to read him, still unsure where his head was.
Charlie turned to me, his eyes cold. Something in him had flipped a switch. “It’s a sweet fairytale that we’r
e trying to sell ourselves on, but you and I aren’t meant for the fairy tale. We’re meant to take care of people so that they can have the fairy tale.” Then he gave me a look as if he was speaking to me on another level. “Hannah, it’s simple: we have to save the world.”
Although I hated the curt way he delivered them, and I still wasn’t quite sure I understood them, his words were powerful and difficult to argue with. Up until thirty-six hours ago, I didn’t want the fairy tale. Never in my entire life did I dream of being a princess in a tower waiting to be rescued by her white knight. Not once. Screw the white knight. I wanted to save lives.
Right in that moment, I wanted to throw my arm around Charlie for seeing that fact, and reminding me of that when I had somehow forgotten it, but oddly enough, I also wanted to slap him in the face. Where was his reasoning in this situation? Could he really be wholly selfless? Or was he actually trying to say that I wasn’t good enough for him to want to live the fairy tale with? It was a beautiful idea, but not one Hannah Birk was worth giving it all up for. And if that truly wasn’t the case, as I’m sure he would argue, then where was my explanation?
“So we’re staying?” I announced ever so casually, trying to show the exact amount of emotion that he was: none.
He acknowledged as he grabbed our paperwork and turned it into the guard at the booth. “We’re staying.” Never once did he look me in the eye.
We were back in the classroom, all fourteen of us. Amanda had also passed the assessment, so once again we swore allegiance to each other. We’d stand with each other through thick and thin, and we’d slap each other if one thought of quitting the program. Little did she know… just yesterday she would have gotten to slap me very hard.
The first few days consisted of a lot of people and a lot of talking. We met high-ranking officers, had talkbacks with brand new Special Forces soldiers who justified our fear but also alleviated some stress, and we learned all about Robin Sage.
Now, Robin Sage was the thing everyone training to be a Green Beret looked forward to. It was essentially our final exam: the last thing we would do to prove that we were meant to have a coveted spot among the Green Berets. Now, while the SEALS had to go through their “Hell Week” of sleep deprivation and bouts upon bouts of physical activity, Robin Sage was all about thinking. Not too dissimilar to the exercise that left Charlie with a hole in his chest, Robin Sage is a two week long mission that takes place in Pineland, a fictitious country meant to be somewhere in the ocean between the U.S. and Europe, but actually nestled in southern North Carolina. The central conceit of the mission is that the government has been overthrown, and we’re tasked with helping a guerilla force take back control and restore order. We’re given fake money, which some genuine restaurants will actually accept in exchange for food, and thousands of civilian residents have taken part for years, acting as anything from a town mayor to a CIA contact. There are firefights (with blank ammo, of course), hostage situations, and even a possibility that we might need to build and or blow up a bridge.
I feel like an eight-year-old tomboy when I talk about it, but it sounds so fucking exciting. Of course I had to remember that what it trains you for is to actually do those things in a real life setting, with real bullets and real hostages… I’ll admit, that seems a little less exciting and a little more scary.
But I didn’t need to think about real life just yet. I still had just about a year and a half of training before that would happen.
Unfortunately- or maybe fortunately, if history had taught me anything - Charlie would no longer be one of my trainers. These next few rounds were left up to full time trainers, most of who had retired from the Special Forces years ago. Charlie had to get back to work.
I saw him in passing, sometimes at lunch, and then every night. Charlie kept an apartment close to the base, which he sublet out whenever he was stationed overseas for a longer period of time. His tenant had moved out the day we had ended our little camping trip, in preparation for Charlie’s longer stay at Fort Bragg.
Funny that Charlie didn’t offer for the tenant to extend his stay, for on the day we ended our camping trip, I was still under the impression that we were taking off and not looking back.
Maybe deep down, he knew otherwise.
We were both busy. While I studied a lot, he looked at a lot of pictures and a lot of paperwork. I asked him a few times if he wanted to tell me what he was working on, but he shot me down, throwing in the word ‘classified’ whenever he could. And as the long days droned on, he became more and more involved in his work and less and less involved with me.
“Are you coming to bed?” I called down the hall as I curled up on the left side of the bed- my side of the bed.
“In a bit.” He called back, distracted. “I have to finish this.”
I wasn’t mad. I understood. His work was important. It was for something greater than just appeasing little me. But secretly I hoped he’d eventually crawl into bed and punish me for being on his side. I was sure he could spare a few minutes. But the possibility of few minutes became less and less likely as the night grew deeper, and I instead settled for falling asleep while fantasizing about all the ways he could touch me.
While I woke up in the early morning hours, I was alone. Charlie wasn’t even in the apartment. By the coffee maker I found a note saying that he had messaged Amanda, asking her to swing by and pick me up. Something had come up, and he had to get to base a.s.a.p.
I wasn’t mad. I understood.
This was the life we chose.
Apparently we didn’t choose us.
Chapter Ten
Charlie
I had been sitting on information for a week now. I couldn’t tell Hannah what I suspected, for nothing was confirmed, but deep down, I knew I had found something in those pictures that needed our immediate attention. My finding were currently going through the upper ranks, as the heads of each department had to be made aware of the situation before they would deploy us, but we were unofficially told to start packing our bags.
This would be a long one.
But as it was still unofficial, I couldn’t officially tell Hannah. It was the first time since meeting her that I wished that she were all the way through the program and already on my team. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to tell her I had a bad feeling about this one.
Instead, I held it in. I plastered a smile on my face whenever she was around, and acted like life was the same as it was only a few short days ago. But she wasn’t stupid. She knew something was up. She soon figured out that it wasn’t her place as a trainee to bombard me about the secrets I was hiding, so she instead masked her impatience by complaining that she was back to learning nutrition and taking physical fitness exams.
“I did the push ups. Fifty one, actually.” She punched my shoulder, as that was obviously a jab at my training tactics.
“That was the assessment. This is the real thing.” I tried to seem engaged although I was distracted, waiting for my phone to ring at any second.
“But I did it… only like two month ago. Can’t they just pull up those files and save us two days of training?”
She knew she was suggesting things that neither her nor I had any say in, and she was also aware that the Army had been doing this training for much longer than she had even been alive, so maybe she should give them some credit, but deep down, it wasn’t about reconstructing the training syllabus at all. I knew without a doubt that this conversation had nothing to do with a physical fitness exam. She was trying to find some way to connect to me; as lately, I was nothing more than a walking safe full of secrets, fearing that I could be unlocked at any time, and yet wishing someone would just come and fucking unlock me.
My phone rang, saving me from having to make up an answer just to continue casual conversation.
I looked down at the number on the screen. It was time.
Every time there was a matter of some importance, the powers that be had my father call to give me the offici
al order. I don’t know if they just thought it would be better coming from him, if it was some sort of respect thing, or if my father volunteered to take the burden of giving me the news. Either way, when my father called while I was waiting to hear back from a report I filed, I knew it meant I was shipping out.
“I have to take this.” I stared into Hannah’s dark eyes before rushing to the other room.
“Finally,” I heard her say under her breath, “maybe now he can tell me what the hell is going on.”
She meant for me to hear her, or else she wouldn’t have said it out loud, and I was glad I did. She had to know this wasn’t about her. It was about protocol.
“Yes sir.” I boomed before ending the call with my father.
I opened the door to find Hannah sitting cross-legged on the ground. She looked up at me with pain in her eyes and patted the floor next to her, asking for me to sit down.
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