He was right there with me, suggesting storylines that I hadn’t even dared to come up with, even though I had been pouring myself over this file for many months.
This was the first time since Charlie left the States that I was actually happy, excited even. The hope I had held onto for so long had only been my own, but now, that was no longer the case. Someone else believed me. And that someone had the power to bring him home.
The day went by so quickly that the next time I looked out of the window, the sun had set. Calls were made, meetings were put on the calendar, and a team was put in place to get ready to ship out in only two day’s time.
Reynolds stood from his table, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair.
“Do you have plans tonight?” He closed the folder on his desk.
“No?” I questioned, confused as to why he cared what my evening looked like.
“Good.” He moved quickly to the door. “Then you’re coming with me.”
“Why, sir?” I followed anyway, not waiting for his reasoning.
His eyes widened, as did his smile. “We have to go run this by your mother if you want to come along on this mission.”
I just about froze in place. Finally, after so many attempts, I had proven myself enough to be a part of the team that would bring back Charlie.
Chapter Three
Hannah
“Absolutely not.” My mother paced across the entire length of the kitchen floor. “Absolutely fucking not. Why would I ever say ‘yes’ to that?”
Not moments earlier, Max decided to casually state the fact that he wanted to bring me along on the rescue mission to find Charlie.
“With your permission, of course.” He added in as an afterthought, which just so happened to spur her maddening stroll across the kitchen.
My mother obviously wasn’t too keen on the idea.
The interesting thing about this whole situation was that had I just been any other girl in the program, no one would have approached my mother regarding her permission. But, since Max was sleeping with my mother, and was still planning to pledge to sleep with my mother for a very long time, he felt that discussing the matter would make his home life easier to cope with.
I’m not sure if he was completely prepared for this exact reaction, though.
Mom spun around, pointing her finger in Max’s face. “And you knew this was a bad idea, or else you wouldn’t have asked. You’re trying to justify something you know doesn’t make sense by making me think it’s this great opportunity for her.” She was now tearing into him. “And why? For what? She’s not even finished her training. Why would you even want to take her?”
I cleared my throat, proud that I had stayed calm for this long. “I’m right here, Mom.”
She scrunched her lips together. She knew I was there the entire time, but the conversation she needed to have wasn’t with me. It was with my soon-to-be-stepfather. In her mind, I just happened to be in the room.
“Max, can I talk to you in the other room?” She made a point to let me know that I had no say in the matter.
“Mom,” I stopped her, hoping to give her a little perspective before she dug further into Max’s guilt. “Can I show you something?”
I reached into my pocket and produced the photograph I knew to be of Charlie just two weeks earlier. Hell, he was about to be part of her family. How could she deny me the privilege of finding him?
But as I showed her the image in my hand, very much unlike what happened with Charlie’s father, there was a sadness that filled my mother’s face. He squinted her eyes just a bit before looking up at me, and then over at Max.
“What is this?” She almost whispered.
“It’s Charlie.” I matched her tone, instinctually. “He’s still alive.”
She slowly shook her head and then reached her arms out to me. Though confused, I still walked into her embrace. I felt her sigh against my chest as she lowered her voice to my ear.
“I love you Hannah.”
I was confused.
“Max, can we…” She didn’t finish her sentence, just expected Max to remember that she still wanted to speak to him without me present.
I wasn’t quite sure what happened, but I took a seat at the kitchen table and allowed them to leave the room. I thought about following, hiding in the doorway, but decided it was not the time to rock the boat. It didn’t matter, though. My mother was so worked up that I heard every word.
“What the hell is that, Max?” The soothing tone she had reserved for me, completely changed to a devilish screech.
“The picture?” I think he was just as surprised as I.
“Yes, the picture.” She continued on without a breath. “The picture... that could be anyone, Max.”
“Laura,” he almost warned, I’m sure defending his own heart as much as mine. “It’s Charlie. I know Charlie.”
For just an instant, she stepped away from her anger. “Max, love, of course you know Charlie. But…” it was as if she was trying to tread lightly for his own sanity. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe you and Hannah just want it to be Charlie so badly that you’re allowing your imaginations to take over?”
This conversation went on the same way for a few more beats: Max promising that he’s not crazy, and my mother promising that she doesn’t think he’s crazy, but instead, hopeful.
“And what’s wrong with hope?” Max pleaded.
“Nothing,” she almost cried. “But I’ve been there. I had hope.” Her voice got really quiet, but I could still hear hear. “But then I ended up five years after my husband’s funeral, against all odds, believing that he was still alive, and he was still going to just show up at my doorstep any day now. That’s not healthy, Max. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Especially…” Now I could tell she was crying. “Especially for the two people I love most in this world.”
“Hey… Hey… Laura.” His first instinct was to try to console her, but my mind went somewhere else.
I didn’t realize my mom had held onto that hope for so long. I guess being a teenager erring on the side of pessimism, as soon as we were given the news of my father’s passing, I just accepted it as fact. Sure, I acted out, and I drank, and I dabbled in drugs, and I completely ignored my curfew every night, but I knew he was dead.
My mom, on the other hand, didn’t give up.
I had no idea.
I guess, in this case, I was just like her. Charlie had been presumed dead for over a year now, and not once did I accept that. She had to see where I was coming from and how strong my will was in this case.
I decided that it was time I entered back into the conversation. So, I stood from my chair and slowly stepped one foot in front of the other until I was in the doorway of the living room.
“I didn’t know that, Mom.” I started, both telling her that I sympathized and heard every word they had just said. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”
She laughed through her tears. “And let my sixteen year old live in the fucked up fantasy I couldn’t seem to escape?” She took a deep breath in. “No, Hannah. You were going through enough. You didn’t need the burden of my fairy tale tricking you into believing something we already knew to be false.”
I understood her completely. Hell, I didn’t tell anyone that I had been searching for Charlie with no help for the past year. Sometimes it’s just better to suffer in silence.
Or sometimes it’s better to live in the fantasy world where your love is still alive and no one is around or aware of the situation to try and break you of that hope. Yes, I understood her all too well. And no, if my circumstance ended the way hers did, I wouldn’t wish this hope on anyone else.
“But, now I have a chance to go find him, Mom. I can bring him home.” I inched closer, still trying to be sensitive to her pain.
“But what if you don’t, baby? What if you get there and he’s already gone?”
Max’s face went white. Although she was specifically talking to me, her
words were for him as well. After all, Charlie was his son. Technically, he had even more stake in this mission than I did.
Neither of us spoke. Of course we knew that it was a possibility, but we didn’t want to face it. The way we saw it, there was no use expecting the terrible before we could really confirm anything. We had to see the scene with our own eyes and come to any conclusion ourselves. That was just the way we both operated. In the last few days, pouring over pictures and intel, I realized Max and I were a lot alike. No wonder my mom liked him so much.
“Max?” My mom reached out her hand to her fiancee’s. “Can I talk to my daughter for a few minutes?”
“Of course.” He kissed her cheek and went to escape the room, but not before squeezing my shoulder to wish me good luck.
Mom motioned for me to follow her to the couch, and then to put my head in her lap. I laid there, just like I did my entire childhood, whenever I was sad or sick, and she played with my hair. It was so comforting and loving. I always felt that in those moments, nothing could hurt me. I was safe.
“Honey.” She finally spoke. “I understand why Max needs to go. If you ever went missing…” She choked just a bit, “I would tear this world apart until I found you. Nothing could stop me. But he can do that on his own. You don’t have to follow him into that war.”
“I found the picture, Mom.” I offered my reasoning. “I was the one looking for Charlie the entire time. And this is what I do now. I don’t see it as if I’m being thrown into a war zone. I see it as my duty. It’s an honor and privilege that I would never take for granted.”
She looked at me deeply for a second before asking me what had changed. We talked about the fact that I used to hate the military. I had wanted to be a doctor and the only reason I considered the proposal to be part of the Special Forces training program was because I was promised a full ride to medical school. My mother had assumed that I would stay under the radar until my five years were up, at which time, I would take my money, stick my tongue out at them, and run for the hills.
“Mom,” I turned over to look up at her. “You don’t stay under the radar in the Special Forces. You’re always way above the radar. You should know that from Dad.”
She nodded slowly.
“What?” I prodded, knowing there was more to her story.
She finally caved, admitting that she never thought I’d make it this far to begin with. Of course she was proud of me beyond belief, but at each stage I passed, she secretly wondered when it would all be over.
“And when you fell out of that helicopter… Oh my God, I never thought you’d go back.” Her voice got all screechy. “And when that doctor boy shot Charlie… Hannah, I just don’t understand it.”
“Of course you don’t, Mom. You’re not meant to.”
I went on to explain to her that she was right. Before going into the Qualification Course, I was only in it for the money. But the training, the stories we hear, the missions we strive to be a part of… we keep people safe. Is there really anything better than that?
“And not only that, but I do get to practice medicine. And it’s exciting and scary, but I want to be a part of it. And it’s me. I need to be the best.” I laughed as I admitted that last fact.
“Well, yes, Hannah. If there’s one thing everyone knows about you…” my mother teased. “It’s that you do need to be the best.”
“But…” I swallowed the lump in my throat before continuing. “If you really don’t want me to go, I won’t go. I will stay here and pray, and hope, and wait by the door every day until he comes home.” I hated to offer that option, but it was the only way.
Mom took my hand and squeezed it. She finally understood how I felt about Charlie.
“I don’t think I wanted to see it, though I knew.”
“We tried to break it off.” I admitted. “When we found out about you and Max… but…”
“You love each other.” She helped me out. “It’s not that easy to throw all those feelings away, Hannah.”
I sat up and hugged her so tight that my arms started to go numb.
“We’re not so different, you and I.” I whispered when I finally released her.
“Maybe not. Though your father was right. You are so much like him. And who am I to stop you from saving the world?”
I could have kept going, thanking her for understanding, but her last few words stopped me in my tracks. I had heard them before… when Charlie decided for the both of us that we weren’t going to run away together.
Why did they both think I had to save the world? Was it just some coincidence? Or was I missing something?
“Hannah?” My mother called out to me in my daze. “You did read your father’s letter, didn’t you?”
My father’s letter… the envelope she gave me… of course.
No, I never did read that.
Chapter Four
Hannah
If you keep going, if you fight, if you stay true to who you are, then you will no doubt save the world. And knowing that I had a part in making you who you are today allows me to know, that in a way, I will save the world too.
I love you, Hannah. I love you so very much, and I am so very sorry that I put you through this pain.
It took me awhile to find the letter. I had thrown it in one of my books during the anticipated ‘running away’ move and completely forgot about it when Charlie and I found ourselves back in the apartment. The paper was worn, read, and it was more than obvious that my mother had flipped through the words on countless occasions, hoping to recall to her mind pieces of her husband whenever possible. She used my letter to imagine he was still here with here.
And the reason she had never given it to me was because she refused to believe that he wasn’t coming home. It wasn’t until she made the choice to move on with her life that she found that old, worn piece of paper, and finally delivered it to its rightful recipient.
I was slightly angry as I tore through the speech again and again. She had spent years depriving me of something that was meant to bring me closure. His words were powerful and right, and I thought about all the times that I could have used them when faced with difficult decisions. I had no idea that he had wrote me such letters every time he was deployed. I had no idea that he said goodbye to me that way so many times. That must have been so hard for him. And yet, he knew that one day I would have to read it, and when I was ready, those words would speak to me.
He was right. And I quickly realized that Charlie must have read that letter at some point. I must have left it lying around when we stopped off at a gas station or something. But he read it and knew that if he were to take me away from it all, I would regret it one day. He made the decision that I couldn’t: to live up to the person I was meant to be.
I plopped down on our bed, the bed I slept in alone each and every night for far too long, and wondered had I read the letter when it was first given to me, if I would have told Charlie I wasn’t ready to run away with him just yet.
Or would I have accepted that I was in love and nothing else mattered but the fact that we were together. In my current situation, it was hard to decide either way.
Had I known what I know now, that Charlie would be MIA for almost a year and a half, would I have still needed to finish my training? Because obviously me falling out of a helicopter without a working parachute and him being shot through the chest during a routine training exercise weren’t enough to stop me. Had I known the heartache and suffering we would both go through just so we could attempt to be the heroes we spent our entire lives telling ourselves we needed to be… would I have made this choice?
Yesterday, I would have said ‘no’. I would have paid to have someone turn back time. But after reading this letter from my father, I’m honestly not sure. Is this passion within me innate? Was I truly meant to save the world? Was I never meant to end up with Charlie? Are we really only meant to be the people who keep others safe so they can be the ones to live the fairy tale?
“What’s got you burning a hole in your carpet?” Amanda startled me from the open doorway of my room.
“It’s a wood floor.” I looked down.
“It’s a saying.” She countered as she entered in, realizing I needed a little more than a ‘hello’ to bring me back to reality.
After a few pushes, she finally got me to talk. I told her that I followed up on the picture, and about the last few day’s in Reynold’s office, and how the powers that be gave me permission to join the rescue mission because I had been such a strong asset so far, and then about my mother, and then about the letter. It was a lot to take in, but she followed me with every breath.
Embrace The Suck (A Stepbrother Special Forces Novel) Page 34