“You need to talk to me.” I pressed my palms to her cheeks and kissed her lips, hoping to wake her from the spell.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She lied.
I tried anything to open her up. I told her of the first time this happened to me. I was eighteen and had just enlisted in the Army. Bootcamp was fine, fun even, but as soon as I finished basic training, my class was sent into battle.
“That was the first time I was shot, the first time I shot another person, and the first time I shot someone point blank. Hannah, I know these nightmares you’re having too well.”
She shook me off. “I told you I don’t remember them.”
“Bull shit.” I countered, annoyed that she refused to let me in. “You’re allowed to be scared. You’re allowed not to want to go back. Hell, why do you think I went the officer route in the Special Forces? 18-A is the longest training. I wasn’t ready to go back into combat.”
That was the first time I admitted that very true fact out loud. It’s always hard to admit weaknesses, especially for someone like me. I had hoped she would realize she wasn’t alone.
But she still didn’t want to talk. Nothing I could say was enough.
Her withdrawal made me withdraw.
I spent each and every minute of each and every day at my computer, searching for anything I might have missed while I was over there, tracking down the ghost. I had been back for a week and a half now, and I was getting antsy. I didn’t want any more time off, but it was mandatory. The Army decided that my team needed to take some days to ‘recenter’ ourselves.
Sounds like a crock of shit, if you ask me.
I didn’t need to recenter. I needed to figure out where the hell that fucker was hiding. He was there. I knew he was there in that same building as I was being held, calling the shots. And yet, he managed to get good and gone by the time the rescue team raided the place. Where had he disappeared to?
I heard footsteps in the hall, and then the front door open.
“Hannah?” I called out to her.
“I’m just going for a walk.” She answered back.
We had stopped talking so much that she didn’t even tell me if she was going out. We were like roommates rather than lovers.
And I wasn’t helping either.
“Were you not going to invite me?” I scolded without moving from my chair.
“Are you still searching for the ghost?” She sarcastically shot back.
I didn’t answer.
“Yup.” She called, still from the doorway. “That’s what I figured. And you’re not going to get up until you find him, so you wouldn’t have come on the walk even if I asked.”
Without a goodbye, the front door shut, and she was on the other side.
I couldn’t fault her caustic comments toward me. Hell, I had fallen asleep at my desk the night before, and when I woke up, instead of joining her in bed, I just kept on working. She had a right to be angry.
And I had a right to be distant.
We were trying to figure too many things out on our own. How could we find time to figure them out together?
When I opened my eyes the next morning, Hannah was packing.
“Where are you going?” I groggily moaned, sitting up, but not getting out of bed.
“Robin Sage begins tomorrow.” She said without looking at me. “I have to be on base tonight.”
But I was smarter than that. “So you need your uniform and a few toiletries, Hannah. I’ve done it, remember? Stop fucking lying to me.”
When she turned around to confront me, I could tell she had been crying. I didn’t know whether to run to her and comfort her, or just to angrily call her names and tell her I was happy she was leaving. I didn’t need her, and she obviously didn’t need me. It was high time one of us moved out.
And I honestly felt both ways. I both loved her and hated her. There were so many times during the past two weeks that I had tried to connect and she shot me right down. With each refusal, I let myself get farther and farther away from the memory of what we once had. The fact was simple: we were different people now, and we couldn’t start over. So why were we trying to fight it?
I had to say something. Her swollen eyes were locked on mine.
“So this is it?” It was all I could muster without showing any emotion.
“Really?” Her tears began gushing from her face. “That’s all you have to say to me?”
“What do you want from me, Hannah?” It was too fucking early for this kind of fight, but I wasn’t about to back down and let her hand me all the blame. “Do you want me to tell you that I’m shocked and confused? Do you want me to fight for you? Because honestly, the way you’ve been since we’ve been back… I don’t want to be stuck with that person forever.”
Her wide eyes threw daggers at me. “How dare you.” She was almost at a whisper. “How fucking dare you talk to me like that. Do you think this is easy for me?”
We threw around blame for a few tens of minutes, but neither of us fought to stay together. We knew where this conversation was going. There was no use fighting the inevitable.
“So where will you go?” I finally asked after her side of the closet was empty.
“Well, to base.” She looked at me like I hadn’t been listening to her this entire time.
“I mean.” I reasoned. “After graduation. Where will you live?”
She shrugged, trying to hide the pain in her eyes. “I’m a big girl. I’ll figure it out.”
And then something came over me. I still wanted to, I still had to, take care of her. I couldn’t allow anything to happen to her, no matter how far we had drifted apart.
I still loved her. And I would always love her.
“Why don’t you stay here?” I offered.
“What?” Her eyes shot straight toward me.
“I’ll find a new place.” I clarified, not wanting her to think that after all this I was suggesting we stay together. “This has been your place for so long. It doesn’t really feel like home to me anymore anyway.”
It was the truth. I hadn’t felt comfortable since the moment I got back to the States.
“Charlie.” She lightly smiled before moving closer to me.
There, in that brief moment, was the girl I had fallen in love with. She was still in there. I think seeing that slight shadow of who she once was hurt most of all.
She bit her bottom lip. “The only reason I stayed in this apartment was because I had hope that you were still alive. I walked in the door every day, and these walls reminded me that you were going to come home one day.” She looked away from me, hiding the tear that was trying to escape her eye. “But now you’re home. And… well, the hope that we could be what we were before you left has dissipated. I can’t stay here any longer, remembering what we once were… who we once were.”
I said a few more things.
She said a few more things.
But really, she ended the conversation right there.
I wouldn’t see Hannah for another eight months.
Chapter Sixteen
Hannah
Robin Sage went well. I don’t really know what all to say about it further than that. I had been so excited for it, thinking it was going to be this super fun game where we were on a mission, learning who to trust and who not to trust, who was the enemy and who was the hostage, and what steps would get us killed versus which would lead us to victory.
No one would get hurt.
Everyone would learn something.
But I had already seen firsthand how difficult it was to figure out who to trust and who was the enemy and what would get you killed. Those things really happened to me. And people got hurt. And I learned that the real world, the real fight, sucks.
But I did my job, promising myself that the next time I was put in a situation where I was dropped in a war zone, I would follow orders and not recklessly try to go off and be the hero.
After all, doing that very thing ended up m
aking me lose the love of my life instead of getting him back. We were never the same, and we knew we’d never be the same.
And for some reason, we both decided it was easier to give up than to fight.
It was so unlike us. I guess we really had changed.
All nine of the women that had completed the program up until that point managed to successfully complete Robin Sage and graduate into the Green Berets. We had a little party, a lot of alcohol, and we reminisced on the past twenty or so months and how much we all felt we changed physically, emotionally, and mentally because of the program. It was nice to have that final goodbye before everyone shipped off to their perspective new bases. I was the only one who was staying at Bragg, so I had to say goodbye to everyone.
My longest goodbye was to Amanda. While in the grand scheme of things, we knew Kentucky and North Carolina were not terribly far away from each other, we weren’t about to sugar coat our continued friendship. We both agreed that we’d try. We’d text and call and video chat at least once a week. We decided to make a bet with each other about how long we could keep it up. I pessimistically suggested two months. She optimistically suggested six.
But eight months later, we had somehow managed to stay strong, and it wasn’t by any means one-sided. I texted, she called, I video chatted. She texted back, I called her back, and she answered my video with a smiling face.
LANDED!!! She texted me.
I’M WAITING FOR YOU AT THE BAGGAGE CLAIM I texted back. And then I added: !!!
For some reason, if I didn’t end everything in an exclamation point, she assumed I was angry at her.
Amanda was about to ship out on her third mission since she joined the 5th Special Forces Group, but was given permission to take the weekend off to be my date for my mother’s wedding. I might have guilted her into it. This was going to be the first time I’d actually have to interact with Charlie since I packed my bags that morning eight months earlier. Sure, we were both stationed at Bragg, so I saw him here and there… the lunch room, outside the locker rooms, at the gym… but for the most part, we kept our distance. It was just healthier that way.
Not to mention that if he ever said one word to me I was pretty sure I would break down and beg him to give me a second chance.
I was honestly much better. There were still a few nights I woke up to an intense flashback, but for the most part, I had managed to put it all behind me. At Amanda’s recommendation, I started to see a counselor. I hated it at first, but after three or four sessions, I found that opening up to someone who was completely unbiased was actually very helpful. We talked about my father’s passing and my mother’s new beau and how his position in my life, as both a commanding officer and a father figure, made for very confusing family dinners and work meetings. We spoke about Charlie, how I was still in love with him, and how I wasn’t confident in the decision I had set in motion for us to split up. She asked me if I knew how he felt since all this time had now passed, and I told her that if he still cared about me, he would have told me to get over myself and come back to him.
That was just the type of person he was.
“I would suggest you don’t assume what’s going on in his mind when it comes to you, Hannah.” She calmly and smartly advised. “Love makes people do some out-of-character things.”
Of course that gave me hope that he still loved me, but as soon as I walked out of the room that day, I demanded the stars leave my eyes and the butterflies leave my stomach so I could get back to work.
But mostly, we talked about the day I was taken prisoner. I went through the story. I didn’t leave out a single detail. And every time I told it, the pain of the memory subsided just the tiniest bit. It was just a memory now. A distant dream. A part of my life that had happened, but it was over now. They couldn’t hurt me anymore.
And actually, they really couldn’t hurt me, because two months ago, Charlie finally got his ghost. In a joint Nigerian government/American Special Forces raid, Charlie’s enemy was arrested, tried, and sentenced.
I found myself often wondering what he was doing at night now, since he no longer had the ghost to chase. I wondered if he was better… if he was yet letting someone deliver pizza to his apartment.
If he was dating anyone. Hey, I was still a girl; I couldn’t help it.
The wedding was simple, beautiful. I stood to my mother’s right, and Charlie to his father’s left. I caught him staring at me a few times, but only because I was staring at him.
The stars...
The butterflies…
Yeah, they weren’t going anywhere.
I hugged my mother and congratulated my new stepfather, before escaping to Amanda’s side.
“Charlie looks hot.” She pointed out as soon as I was within ear shot.
“You suck, you know that?” I gave her my ‘mean’ face. “You’re supposed to be here to help me stay away from him.” I reminded.
“Oh.” She shrugged. “Whoops.”
And then she smiled before running away.
“Hannah?” I heard his voice behind me and my heart just about stopped.
Actually I just about broke down and begged him to give me a second chance. I know myself all too well.
“Charlie.” I spun around, praying I’d be able to keep it together.
We stared at each other without words for an eternity. I loved every second of it.
“You… you look beautiful.” He stammered.
“So do you.” I calmly and coyly answered right back.
He laughed, but continued the conversation. “So, um, what have you been up to?”
I spilled everything to him. I told him about my two visits to the Caribbean and one to Brazil.
“Got any crazy stories yet?” He asked, keeping the dialogue going.
“I’ve gotten really good at administering Hydrogen Peroxide and BandAids.”
“Oh, big time. Any stitches?” He teased.
“Seven altogether.” I squished up my face, pretending to get annoyed.
He promised I’d see more action soon, and not to get bored just yet. He then told me he was surprised how much we didn’t see each other around base.
I guess he was looking. It made me happy.
But between our differently timed tours and the fact that I was able to work out of the hospital when I was in the States, not to mention that we weren’t actively seeking each other anymore, it made sense that our paths hadn’t often crossed.
“So…” Charlie nodded to our parents. “I guess you’re my sister now.”
“It’s weird.” I joked. “Maybe we should just go on pretending that we didn’t used to sleep together.”
“Or we go on pretending we’re not siblings.” He countered with a raised eyebrow.
And I was turned on. Ugh, how did he still have the power to do that to me?
“Charlie!” I lightly slapped him, but he grabbed my hand, holding it in his.
The stars…
And oh, the butterflies…
“I miss you, Hannah.” He admitted, so effortlessly. “I’m not saying we didn’t need that time apart, but now… I don’t need it anymore. And I should have fought for you. So come back to me.”
“Whoa.” I stopped him, slightly overwhelmed. “Charlie. It doesn’t work like that.”
“Why not?” He wasn’t going to drop this. “Do you still love me?”
I wasn’t about to lie to him. “Of course.”
“So then get over yourself and come back to me.” He flashed a smile.
“That’s exactly what I told my therapist you’d say!” I pointed my finger at him, not really offering a real response.
He laughed, understanding where I was trying to go with that accusation. “I’m not saying it won’t be work, but I am saying that this time we’ll put in the work.”
“I just…” I didn’t know why I was fighting. He was saying everything I hoped he’d say. But I needed to be sure. I didn’t want to get hurt this time.
&nbs
p; “Don’t make an excuse, Hannah. It’s not worth it.” He stopped me. “Give me a chance.”
I didn’t even take a breath. “Okay.”
I didn’t hesitate. In my head, I wanted to tell him the list of things we would both have to do so that our relationship would survive our careers. It had been a list I had spent the last eight months compiling, so I now had it memorized. I wanted to tell him the breakthroughs I had personally had, and what I’d be willing to do for us, and I wanted him to tell me the same.
And then I wanted to give him a chance.
But, I guess my instincts took over. I guess I couldn’t dare to lose him again.
“Okay?”
“Okay.” I said again.
His arms wrapped quickly around my waist, and his hug lifted my feet off the ground. I yelped with both surprise and excitement, but my sound was soon muted by his kiss. This was the kiss I dreamed we would have once I found him in Nigeria. The passion, the love, the hope… it was all in that single kiss. It was the dream.
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