Be With You

by Candy J. Starr

  I couldn't say that to anyone at the company though. It'd sound like I was super paranoid. After what had happened at the meeting, I didn't want to look even weirder.

  Before I could say more to Tex, the waiter came to take our order. As he left, Tex called him back and ordered a whiskey. I didn't say anything. After all, if he wanted a drink, he could drink. It was just one drink. He'd not actually had much more than a few beers since the night of the house fire but then I guess when he was playing and hanging out with Devon, the two of them probably had a drink or two. I didn't want to turn into one of those anti-drinking wowsers.

  By the time our meals came out, the sky was almost black and the stars twinkled above us. The breeze stopped the rooftop from being too hot but it was still a bit stifling. Sure, it was romantic but air conditioning was way more practical. Tex had polished off his drink and asked for another.

  My lobster looked amazing. It was almost a pity to eat it when it looked so good. But then, why should the lobster die in vain when it was so delicious. I'd have to stop drooling and just eat it already. There was salad on the side, as if anyone would even think of wasting precious stomach real estate on salad.

  "Are you happy?" Tex asked, out of nowhere.

  I tried to read his expression, wondering where this was going. I also had to think hard about it.

  "Of course I'm happy. I have a whole lobster all to myself. If you think you're getting a bite, think again."

  "I'm serious, Ruby."

  "I wouldn't say happy exactly but I'm making progress, you know." I shot him a smile. "I have to become the person I need to be before I can become happy."

  Tex nodded. I could tell by the way his forehead crinkled that he was thinking hard about saying something.

  "You want me to move back, don't you?" I asked.

  "I'd like to have some kind of timeframe for it at least. I know you think that moving out is the best way for you to heal but maybe it's better if we work through this together."

  I took a mouthful of the delicious lobster and moaned with delight.

  "I think we make each other's problems worse," I said. "I don't want to be destructive for you. I want to be the best part of your life, not the worst."

  Tex looked away as though studying the stars was the most important thing he could do. "You'll always be the best part."

  If the night had ended there, it would've been perfect. Tex was at his best, shining and confident. He made me feel like I could almost be beautiful. For that one moment, I thought there could be nothing better than the two of us together. It made me want to rush into his arms and promise that I'd come back to him after he'd done his tour. That I'd be with him forever.

  Then the waiter interrupted us.

  Sure, he arrived with a bottle of expensive looking champagne, compliments of the house, but it seemed like I'd lost something precious. That moment had crackled and burnt and floated off into the sky to rest among the stars.

  It made me pause in my thinking. The self-satisfied grin on Tex's face seemed like I'd fallen into the trap he'd set for me. My shrink had asked me if I felt that Tex needed me to need him and I'd not answered at the time. I'd always thought that my neediness and problems would drive us apart but it had begun to strike me that instead it was what drew him to me.

  Tex poured himself a glass of champagne.

  "Just one won't hurt," he said and grabbed my glass.

  "Yeah, actually, it will."

  He poured me a glass anyway. I left it sitting in front of me, going warm in the balmy night air. Both of us sat for a moment, watching the bubbles rise up in the glass. I folded my arms, not handling him totally disregarding my wishes like that. The glass could sit there until it went flat before I'd drink it.

  "Be a killjoy if you want." Tex rolled his eyes at me.

  "My shrink said mixing alcohol with my meds can be toxic, even fatal."

  A mosquito buzzed around us.

  Tex leaned on the table, his eyes narrowing. "Do you even need to be taking those meds? I'm not sure they’re good for you. You were much nicer without them. And you know how I feel about drugs."

  Obviously his attitude to drugs didn't extend to alcohol, as he polished off the glass of champagne and poured himself another.

  "I'm pretty sure that my medical professional knows more about it than you do," I said, not liking the way this was going.

  I should have said something before the waiter arrived. If I'd made the promises he'd wanted to hear, he'd still be happy but I didn't want to be forced into saying things I wasn't sure of. The time had passed and it seemed like Tex was more interested in drinking than in me.

  When Tex drank, he got nasty. He had a mean streak anyway. I'd seen him with Devon, which was when that streak was the meanest. He started telling me about the issues they had during rehearsal in great detail. It wasn't even like he cared, he was talking to fill in the space as though to crowd me out. If it didn't seem so farfetched, I'd have almost said he was jealous. Jealous of my work and my new life. I didn't want to replace him, I wanted to be the person he should be with. I had no idea how to get that through to him though.

  That mosquito kept buzzing and the lobster suddenly didn't seem so delicious. Even the sparkle of the stars dulled.

  He kept topping up his glass as he ranted, until the bottle was empty. He held the bottle up to the light, shaking it, to make sure it was completely empty then thrust it back into the ice bucket. He reached across the table and picked up my glass, still sitting undrunk but warm and flat.

  "If you're not going to drink it then I might as well."

  "Please yourself," I said.

  Did he even want to spend time with me or was he just around to drink? It made me wonder why I'd even bothered agreeing to this date. The man opposite me reminded me of someone and that someone was the grumpy old bastard Tex had been when I first met him.

  The waiter appeared with our desserts. I hadn't eaten much of my lobster. I'd lost my appetite.

  "Hey, can you get me a whiskey?" Tex said. "Actually, get me two since the service is so slow here."

  I cringed and hid my face. That was so rude of him. I wondered if we should skip dessert and get out of there but Tex had settled himself.

  "So, Ruby, when's it going to be? When are you going to be over 'finding yourself' and come back to me?"

  The sheer amount of arrogance with which he said that made me want to snap back with "never" but what if he took that seriously? I didn't want to fight. I didn't want him to be like this. I wish life had a rewind button and we could go back to that point at the beginning of the night where it was just Tex and I on this rooftop under the stars, our conversation as light and breezy as the wind blowing through the netting around us. It seemed that Tex's big, fat ego had joined us at dinner.

  I trailed my spoon in the chocolate sauce on my plate, making swirly lines.

  "I don't know. I'm not 'finding myself'. I'm mending myself. I want to be a whole person, Tex. Not just part of you but a whole me."

  "You don't need to be whole. The two of us together, that's the whole."

  I wasn't sure how to answer that. If we couldn't be whole alone, how could we be whole together?

  "You don't need to work. I can support you. I can protect you. It's a tough world out there and you were safe with me. You had a job and that was being my housekeeper."

  "And now I have a job as a developer. I like my job, to be honest. It's not like you aren't perfectly capable of doing your own housework anyway."

  I didn't know how to explain that the work I was doing stretched my brain in a way I'd forgotten I could stretch. It was like finding new muscles. Tiring and frustrating but exciting at the same time. I thought he'd understand. He must get the same thing from his music but he didn't want to listen. Being this person, having a job I enjoyed and that fulfilled me, surely that was better than being a burden that weighed him down.

  I couldn't put all that into words though.

  T
ex scowled. Then he stood up.

  "I'm going downstairs to the bar. You can find me there when you finish eating."

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN - RUBY

  It was time for the first of my work meetings. To say I wasn't looking forward to it would've been a massive understatement. But then that was why they were paying me the big bucks. Meetings are pretty much the worst thing ever. I hated them. I'd have avoided them altogether but I had to think of the money. It wasn't like I hated the job either. Apart from that one incident, it'd been going well.

  And I'd be needing big bucks. I'd gotten in touch with Hannah. Since I was determined to pay back Lizzie the money, I needed to know exactly how much that was. There was no way I'd have her saying I'd cost them money or that I'd ruined things.

  When Hannah told me, I nearly choked. I mean, I knew Tex made good money but I'd never realised just how much.

  "You don't have to pay her back though," Hannah said. "Don't feel in any way obligated. She was being a bitch saying that to you. This is not an industry where any money is guaranteed. She should know that."

  No matter what Hannah said though, I wanted to do this. Needed to do it for my own peace of mind.

  "Also, you have to take off the expenses. If you are determined to pay her then I need to work it out. I'll send the details through to you. But really, don't. It's not your problem."

  I got to the stupid building for the meeting. I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to meet with stupid Jeremy. I exhaled and walked up the steps as if I was going to my own funeral. At least, he’d seen me at my worst. It could only get better. I hoped. The working space wasn't far from my apartment, just a block away. My apartment was in a quieter part of the city on a tree-lined side street. The walk in the dappled sunlight would've been enjoyable if I was going anywhere else.

  Checking my watch, I realised that Tex would be at the airport. He'd be about to board his plane. I’d kept being tempted to phone him or even send him a "good luck" message but then I'd remember he was a huge dick and he could damn well apologise to me before I'd talk to him again. I'm sure, in a few days when he'd settled down and thought about what he'd done, he'd be sorry. As to whether his fool pride would let him call me, that was an unknown. At least being stuck in a meeting would remove any temptation to contact him.

  I grabbed a coffee on the way in. The dude asked me what brew I wanted. I told him I wanted the coffee kind. Wanker. At least the coffee would give me some protection against the annoyance. I had all my other protection things too like my favourite purple pen.

  "How's things with Ruby?" Jeremy almost jumped out of his chair when I walked in, with his hands all flappy. "What's happening in your world? I had a great weekend. Fantastic. I went to an amazing place down the coast. But that's enough about me. Let's talk dev."

  Like he thought that being all high energy and chatty would ward off my crazy. Did that guy have an "off" button? Because I sure as hell wanted to use it on him. Or maybe just a dimmer switch to get his zestiness down to a bearable level. A brick would probably do the job.

  "Let's get brainstorming, will we? We don't want to waste all your expensive tech skills now, do we..."

  I wanted to kill him. Brainstorming was also something I hated. If it didn't involve talking out loud it'd be okay. Why couldn't we brainstorm by writing stuff on bits of paper instead? Or maybe emailing my ideas in?

  I was pretty sure this whole face to face meeting thing was just an excuse for him to travel around the place anyway because hadn’t they heard of Skype? CJ had told me they might do team bonding exercises, which sounded like hell. Bonding with a team was about equal on my list of things to do with eating horse manure.

  I sat down and got out my purple pen, wondering if I could wear headphones. That would tone him down a bit.

  "Before we start, I just wanted to mention that there have been a few incidents with your code not compiling properly. I hope you can be more attentive in future." Jeremy Jerkface punctuated that with a half-smile.

  "I think there's been some kind of server issue. Things run properly when I upload them. I test everything."

  Again, that smug smile as if he knew better. Jerk.

  "A server issue? Right. I'll make note of that."

  I'd noticed these "incidents" happened when I worked late at night and uploaded then. Maybe there was something screwy with their servers at night. I doubted it though. Still, I didn't want to voice the other possibility that I'd considered. I mean, you can't accuse anyone of sabotage without evidence. I'd make a note above my desk to remind myself to only upload stuff during business hours.

  Having Jeremy Jerkface raise it like that in the meeting made me feel uncomfortable though. I swung on my chair, hoping he'd move onto something else. He talked a lot but didn't really say much. I pretended to take notes but it was mostly stuff about Tex.

  The brainstorming pretty much consisted of me raising ideas and Jerkface telling me they wouldn't work. Then him offering them as his own ideas five minutes later. Whatever. I didn't get paid for ideas, I got paid for implementing them. In the end, I got sick of it so just started talking a load of jargon that didn't make sense to test if he even knew anything.

  He didn't.

  Finally the meeting was over and he asked me if I wanted to join him for lunch. I pretended that I had another engagement and left him to it. An uncomfortable strand of paranoia wound around me. You can't trust many people in this world, that's for sure. I'd make doubly certain that I covered my own butt from now on.

  The worst bit of working from home was that I didn't know any of the support staff. Well, that was the best bit too but it had a downside. If there was someone in support that I could talk to, I could get the access records for my files but you can't just randomly ring up and ask something like that.

  Oh well, I knew I was doing the right thing. I just hated having to defend myself against allegations that I knew were untrue. I'd always hated that.

  If there was going to be any weird stuff going on, I needed to make sure I covered my own arse.

  I checked my watch when I left the meeting. Tex would be in the air. I couldn't reach him even if I wanted to.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN - TEX

  I walked through the airport feeling like a sack of shit. My head ached like a bastard and my sunglasses did nothing to take the edge off the glare. I did the rock star thing, striding down the concourse, letting the paparazzi take their photos while fans screamed and yelled. I gave some of the girls a wave and they screamed even louder. Then I headed to the lounge for a quiet drink. That would be the best way to deal with this. A few drinks before getting on the plane, then I'd pass out and the pain might stop for a little while.

  If only I could call Ruby and hear her voice, I'd feel better but I'd screwed things up with her again. She was a complicated woman and I was a simple man. She was so far above me, it hurt my neck just to look at her.

  That night was meant to be a special night. The kind of night we'd remember for years to come. Then I'd lost it. I said stupid shit. What I'd hoped, but didn't want to admit, was that she'd been suffering so much on her own, without me, that she'd be desperate to come running back. That she'd become as much of a wreck as I had.

  Then I saw her.

  She'd changed. She was gorgeous. More gorgeous than she'd ever been. She glowed and had a fire in her eyes that I'd not seen there before. The way she walked, the way she talked, even the way she'd done her hair had changed. It was like a punch in the guts to realise she was becoming a woman who didn't need me.

  Then, during dinner, I wanted to drink. I needed a drink, craved it, but she wasn't drinking. Was she judging me? I knew she couldn't drink on her medication but I'd forgotten then I felt stupid for saying anything. The more I talked, the more shit I got myself into until there was no way to back out.

  For one brief moment, I could see her love for me shining in her eyes. Even while she looked at me like that, part of me was wondering how long until I got my next
drink.

  I got stupid and that light dimmed. I could write a million love songs but I couldn't find the simple words I needed. The booze loosened my tongue but that was no use when the words that slipped out were the words of a fool.

  Ruby, the only woman I'd ever loved, was slipping away from me and, instead of being able to keep her, I just drove her further away. I could stand outside myself, watching and cursing at what a dick I was but could do nothing to stop it. I couldn't force her to stay with me. She was brilliant, far too talented to work as my housekeeper. But a man has his pride, and I had more than most men.

  Then I'd stormed off to the bar and left her there alone. As soon as I got to the stairs, I wanted to punch myself for being such a dick. I almost turned around and ran back to her, falling on my knees and begging for her forgiveness but I could never let her see the weakness in me. I was the protector. I needed her to be able to lean on me and, if she knew what a mess I was, she'd never do that.

  I waited for her in the bar without hope that she'd follow me. Why the hell would she? I hadn't exactly been a bucket of laughs. The place was almost empty so I could drink in peace until the barman called last drinks. Then he'd forced me to get a cab home, taking my car keys off me.

  At least I got home and made it to bed. Even stripped off. As I drifted off to sleep, I could almost swear I heard Julie's laughter echo through the house.

  I decided the next morning, I'd quit, but that had only lasted a day. I'd gone through the house and emptied every bottle down the sink. Then Devon came out to the house to drive into town and pick up my car.

  "We might as well have a quiet one while we're here," he'd said when we arrived at the bar.