“Don’t you dare apologize for me being insensitive,” I say, turning in his arms and placing my hands on his chest.
“You were doing something most men would love. My goods are just too damaged to appreciate you. You need to walk away right now before I hurt you.”
“You weren’t scared on the jet.”
“Getting on a plane is a choice to be enclosed. X doesn’t swing both ways, and the flight crew would get fired for not being professional, so I knew it would only be you and me.”
“I want more than your body, Rhys, but I want your body so bad. It’s been too long, and not just from having sex. It’s been too long since I had you. I can barely control myself around you. I want to know you again, I promise I do, but I want everything your body can give me too.”
“I believe you, but I need you to give me a little time. I’ll eat you out or finger you whenever you need me to, but I can’t be intimate with you.”
“You’ve been celibate since all of that went down?”
He shakes his head. “Mindless fucks with women I meet in bars aren’t intimate. I haven’t let anyone suck me off since then, but I’ve fucked. Fucked them without caring what their names were, or letting them have even a tiny bit of control over me.”
“Are you trying to tell me I’m more than just a mindless fuck?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.”
“You’re not making it easy to argue with you.”
“I don’t want to argue with you.”
“Let me guess, you’d like to cuddle.”
“I mean, if you’re offering, yeah.”
“I’m offering,” I say with a smile. “I’m expecting a good cuddle experience, you know.”
“I promise to give you good cuddle.”
He stands, holding out his hand, and I place mine in his. I know now that we have to take it slow, and while my body is fighting me on this, I can do it. I’ll have to do it, because it’s what he needs and I’m quickly discovering I need him more than I ever imagined I could.
CHAPTER 7
RHYS
I know I freaked Vivienne out, but she freaked me out too. I fuck around a lot, but I don’t let my guard down for a moment with any woman I’m with, and I definitely don’t fall asleep with them. I told her the plane would’ve been different, but that might be a lie. I felt safe and secure here in this house, but then she tried to suck my cock, and I acted like she was raping me. Yeah, I wasn’t awake and consenting, but I loved having her mouth on me in the past, so why wouldn’t I be okay with it now?
Because, I’m a fucked-up shell of a man, who’s lying here wide awake, while the only woman I’ve ever loved is snuggled up next to me. Sleeping. She invited me into her body, and I promised her a good cuddle. Yeah, I’m definitely fucked up, and not getting fucked.
“Rhys,” she murmurs in her sleep, cuddling even closer into my side.
A better man would walk away from this—from her—but I’m so far from being better I don’t even know what that would look like. I’m just me and I know I’m not good enough for anyone, let alone Vivienne. That was drilled into me with words and fists all those years ago, and I know it’s still true now.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?”
I look down to see she’s woken up, and is looking at me with worry in her eyes. Worry I put there, and now I have to try and remove it.
“Just thinking. Go back to sleep,” I tell her, kissing the top of her head.
“Do you need me to leave? I don’t want to keep you up!”
“No,” I lie. “I’m just full of thoughts about everything and I can’t relax.”
She turns my face, because I haven’t looked her in the eyes yet. “Tell me what you need me to do.”
“Just be you. That’s all I need, Vivs.”
She leans up and kisses me softly. “With you, I always am.”
I feather kisses all over her face, and close my eyes, so she’ll close hers too. Her even breathing a few minutes later tells me it worked, and now I’m back on my own, with thoughts I can’t get rid of. I’m so broken, I don’t know if I’ll ever be fixed, and I know that means this will never last. I can never have this woman next to me if I can’t give her everything she deserves, and more. It wouldn’t be fair to her, and after what she’s gone through, she needs things to be fair.
Once I’m sure she’s sleeping deeply, I slide out from under her, throw on some jeans, and walk outside. The air is crisp, but not cold enough to deter me from seeking some kind of solace. That’s all I want—a little peace from my thoughts.
“Why did you just run from your room like it was on fire?” Rhieve asks, appearing out of the darkness.
“Nice parlor trick.”
“Training, not tricks, and answer my question.”
“Vivienne’s in my bed, sleeping.”
“Now I’m really not understanding why you’re out here instead of in there.”
Of course, she doesn’t understand. No one can understand what those days and nights for me in Norwich were like. Pleasure mixed with shame, and humiliation.
“She deserves better.”
“Isn’t that for her to decide?”
“You didn’t see me in that club, and I’m so damn thankful for that. What they were doing to me when Darcy found me—if you’d seen that, you’d never want to be my sister ever again.”
“Stop right there, Rhys. We have our differences, and I don’t like you lying to get this job, but I love you. I will always love you. And, I love being your sister.”
“Why? After everything, why?”
“Because you are more than what’s happened to you, or what you’ve felt you had to do in response to what happened to you.”
“Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just supposed to be used for my body.”
“Have you talked to someone?”
I laugh her off with a shake of my head. “A shrink? No. We weren’t raised to air our dirty laundry to others. You know that.”
“We also weren’t raised to stand up for ourselves and others, but we’re both doing that now.”
“You are, but I’m not. Don’t try to give me credit when I don’t deserve it.”
“You’re telling me that if someone came into this yard right now, and went for Vivienne—or me—you wouldn’t try to stop them.”
“If you’re asking if I’d take a bullet for you, I would.”
“You didn’t hesitate.”
“Because I love you.”
“And that’s what matters.”
“Great talk.”
She grabs my arm as I try to walk away, and I know I’m going to hear more about talking to someone. “We’re not done here.”
“For tonight, we are.”
“I didn’t save you just to lose you to the demons in your head.”
“You won’t.”
That’s a promise we both know I can’t keep, but she lets me go. She won’t give up, and honestly, I don’t want her to. Right now, I can’t help myself, or ask for help from others, but as long as my sister believes in me, I can hold onto her hope to keep me going.
VIV
I wasn’t sleeping when Rhys went outside, but I pretended I was. He’s scaring me, and I don’t know how to help him. The way he reacted when I slipped into his bed hurt me, but seeing the lost look in his eyes hurt me more. I know he’s not rejecting me, but he’s not letting me in, either.
I’m still awake when he walks back into the room, and I debate letting him think I’m sleeping again, but I remind myself about the promise I made when I left Christon. I told myself I wouldn’t pretend, or behave in a way I wasn’t comfortable with.
“I told you I would leave if you weren’t comfortable having me here with you.”
“I don’t want you to leave.”
“But you can’t sleep, can you?”
“No.”
I climb out of bed, taking a pillow with me. “I’ll fit on the chaise.”
&nbs
p; “What? No. You’re not sleeping there.”
“Yes, I am. You don’t want me to go. I don’t want me to go. So, it’s the only answer.”
He pulls me into his arms, and kisses me. I should be embarrassed by how quickly I melt into him, but it’s always been like this with us. Even when we were platonic friends, we hugged with everything we had.
“Can we try again on the bed?” he asks, looking shy, and reminding me of the boy he was all those years ago.
“Only if you’re okay with it.”
“I want to be.”
I take his hand, and walk him back to the bed, stopping to line the middle with some of the throw pillows. “A compromise,” I tell him.
“You should walk away now,” he tells me.
“I’ve never knowingly walked away from you before, and I’m not going to start now.”
“Thank you. I’m going to try to deserve you, and be normal.”
“Everyone has their own version of ‘normal’ and one isn’t better than another. We’ll work this out, Rhys.”
“Yeah, we will.”
We hold hands on top of those little pillows, facing each other. It’s not the most comfortable way to sleep, but it’s what he needs. I’ll give him whatever he needs, as long as he’s giving himself back to me. He’s trying, and that’s all I can ask for right now.
I hear him fall asleep and say a mental thank you to the man upstairs, because Rhys needs all the rest he can get. We’re in an okay place, relationship-wise, but we’re still not exactly safe. I’m hoping Rhieve, X, and their friends will have some info for us tomorrow, but we may be hunkered down here for an extended period of time. I’m fine with that because I have nowhere I need to be, but if we get put on lockdown I’m truly afraid for Rhys.
CHAPTER 8
RHYS
“What do you mean you can’t find her?” X is bellowing into the phone when I walk into the kitchen the next morning. “Find her!”
“Everything okay?” I ask.
“Seri’s missing.”
“Well, she said she was going off the grid.”
“What did you just say?” he asks, slamming me into the wall.
I’m not letting him push me around this time, so I slam my hands into his chest and make him stumble back. I know it was more surprise than brute strength that caused it, but I puff my chest out a little anyway.
“When I saw her in the office, she said she had enough contacts through you to go off the grid, and make sure you couldn’t find her.”
“And you chose until now to tell me this? You know we’re in danger.”
He starts to advance on me again, but I hold my ground. “She used to work for Metro, so I wasn’t worried about her.”
“I don’t give a fuck about your feelings, but I’m worried about her and that’s all that matters.”
“Maybe you should have let her know that before she ran. Or forced her to hear the truth.”
“Speaking from experience?”
“Yes.”
“Viv’s different when she’s with you and that’s a good thing, but she’s still fragile, and I’m going to keep an eye on you until I know she’s being taken care of.”
“Noted.”
The woman in question walks in, looking between the two of us, as we’re still standing defensively. “What’s going on?”
“Just having a chat,” X tells her.
“Did you put your hands on him again?”
“You don’t need to fight my battles, Vivs. And, X and I are good.”
“Yeah, we are. Thanks for the info about Seri. It’ll give me some other avenues to search in.”
“If I’m wrong and someone has her, I’ve got your back.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it, man.”
“Seri’s missing?” Vivienne asks, once he leaves the room. “This is all my fault! If I hadn’t kissed X, she’d be here with us.”
“You kissed him?” I ask.
“Yes.”
I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. “Oh.”
“Is that a problem for you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Men,” she says, throwing up her hands, and turning to walk out.
“Can you tell me why?” I ask, wrapping her in my arms from behind once again.
“I wanted to feel wanted, and I wanted to want someone again. I thought kissing him would make me feel that way.”
“That’s a good reason.”
“You’re not going to ask me if it worked?”
I want to, and at the same time, I don’t. “Is this one of those questions where either way I answer is going to be wrong?”
“No,” she says, turning around and stepping away. “I need to know if some stupid kiss is such a big deal to you that you’ll let it affect what’s happening again between us.”
She’s right, and I know it. It’s one kiss that happened before we were even close to being together again. “I won’t let it affect us.”
“Good. For the record, I didn’t feel anything when I kissed X, but I feel everything when I kiss you.”
I cradle her head as I push her into the wall, and kiss her for all I’m worth. It’s not a kiss meant to claim, because we already belong to each other. It’s a kiss of acceptance, happiness, and love.
“I would’ve been okay if that wasn’t the case.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Hearing you say the words made me realize I didn’t need them.”
Her stomach grumbles, reminding me of where we are right now. “Sorry, I need some breakfast.”
“I can use a toaster, but that’s about it.”
“Good thing I insisted on cooking lessons from my last cook.”
“I’d love you even if you couldn’t feed me.”
“I know. I’d love you even if you couldn’t toast the bread.”
“Perfect.”
We’re not, but right now, I’m letting myself believe we are. Illusions can be dangerous and this one will probably kill me in the end, but I need it now.
VIV
After breakfast, there’s still no one coming forward to give us information, so I suggest we hang out inside the mini maze of topiaries in the backyard. I want some privacy for an idea I had. It came to me when I was in the shower, masturbating, because how could I not do that when I saw Rhys getting dressed this morning? I’m so hot for him, even when he’s fully dressed, and I almost orgasmed just from looking at him naked. My bruised and beautiful man, who doesn’t know just how beautiful he is on the inside.
“I would ask if you’ve lured me out here to have your way with me, but I know you wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Not exactly.”
“That’s a little ominous.”
“I was hoping we could experiment a little.”
“I’ve tried everything, but if you want me to tie you to a bush, and spank you, I’m game.”
“Sorry, but no,” I tell him with a laugh, but not completely sure if he was joking.
“Please tell me you don’t want to tie me to a bush.”
He says it playfully, but I see the fear in his eyes. So yeah, he wasn’t joking. I want to hunt down and kill every person who took what didn’t belong to them.
“Not unless you want me to.”
“I don’t.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of us seeing how far we can go without it freaking you out.”
I’m not sure he’s going to agree, because he starts moving back and forth like he’s ready to run. I won’t stop him if he does, because I need him to want this and not do it because he’s forced. If he can’t do it, we’ll have to figure out something else.
“Okay. Let’s do this.”
I can’t help but laugh. “You say it like making out with me is a car race, or something.”
“Making out with you is a privilege. One I will never take for granted again.”
I take his hand, and lead him to one of the benches surrounding a fountain in t
he middle of the topiaries. As we sit across from each other, straddling the bench, I reach out and place my hand on his cheek. He turns his head to kiss my hand and I sigh in contentment.
Lifting my other hand, I place it on his chest. “Is this okay?”
“We made out against the wall outside the bar,” he reminds me.
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes, and thank you for asking.”
One day, I hope I won’t have to ask to touch him and love him, but until that day I’ll ask. I’ll ask him a million times until it comes to that day, if that’s what he needs.
“I love your body. All the bumps, and ridges, and bulges,” I tell him as I explore his chest and shoulders over his shirt.
“The main bulge loves having your hands on my body.”
“Yes, but he’s not the one I need to win over, is he?”
“You’ve won all of me over already. It’s my own mind I’m battling right now.”
He looks away, so I lean forward to kiss his cheek.
“We’re in this battle together now.”
Instead of answering me verbally as I lean away from him, he reaches behind his back, and pulls his shirt over his head. I drink him in, willingly letting him grip me by the knees, and pull my legs over his.
“You were too far away, Vivs.”
“You’re in charge here, so it wasn’t my place to move closer.”
“I don’t want you to ever think you have a ‘place’ or need to act in a way you don’t want to. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way with me.”
“I chose the wrong word there, because I know you don’t expect me to be one way or another. I’m just scared to do the wrong thing.”
There, I said it. I had to say it, but I hate it. I hate knowing I can’t be this close to him without him bringing me here. I hate that I can’t wake him up with my mouth on him, and most of all I hate that I can’t fix him. I want to fix him so badly, but I know he has to fix himself.
CHAPTER 9
Defiant Company (Company Men Book 5) Page 5