“For what?” Sadie asked softly. “For starting, or stopping?”
“Both.” Jay rubbed her face and then took a step back, like she didn’t trust herself to be in arm’s reach. “I tried so hard. God, you won’t believe me. No one will, but I wanted to be better this time. I wanted better for you.”
“Better?” Sadie couldn’t process anything as the haze of arousal still clouded her mind. “Jay, you were wonderful. You are wonderful. I haven’t felt like this since . . . never.”
“I can’t,” Jay said, her hands clenching into tight fists.
“You can’t what?” Sadie stepped forward again, but Jay shook her head violently.
“Please.” Jay sounded nearly frantic. “If you care about me at all, you won’t push me.”
“Okay.” Sadie held up her hands and eased back.
“I’m sorry,” Jay said.
“Can you at least tell me why?”
Jay shook her head again, then said, “For putting you in this position.”
The answer did nothing to clear up her confusion, but the pain contorting Jay’s beautiful mouth stopped her from pushing for more. “You didn’t put me in any position I didn’t want to be in. I kissed you.”
“Thank you.” Jay sagged. “Thank you for saying that.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Sadie asked. “It’s the truth.”
Jay nodded. “Thank you for saying that, too.”
“I don’t understand,” Sadie said again. She didn’t know what else she could say until she got some answers.
Jay straightened her shoulders slightly. “Good. I know that probably seems cold, but for both of our sakes, I hope you never do.”
Sadie stared at her, uncertain what to say or do next. She’d waited so long for this moment, dreamed of so many details, but none of them had prepared her for Jay’s reaction. Her heart felt like her ribs were too small to contain its fullness.
“I have to go,” Jay finally said, then added again, “I’m so sorry.”
Sadie wanted to say something more, to call her back, to hold her, or kiss her again, if only to ease the pain, but she doubted she could. So she did the most merciful thing she could and let her go.
Chapter Six
Jay awoke with a start and looked frantically around the non-descript hotel room. Nothing seemed out of place. Relief surged through her as she thought for one glorious second she might’ve been dreaming, but as she pushed herself up to sitting, she noticed she was still in her suit from the night before. She’d never changed, or even crawled under the covers. She’d merely crashed into a pile of anguish and fear atop the comforter last night after kissing Sadie.
She hung her head in her hands and stifled a scream for what most certainly had not been a dream.
She’d kissed Sadie.
No. Sadie had kissed her first. Then, of course, Jay had kissed her back, and then she kissed her again, and maybe another time. She couldn’t be sure, and she doubted anyone would care about the order of events if they ever found out, but still she clung to the fact that Sadie had kissed her first.
She groaned and flopped back onto the bed. Who was she kidding? No one else had seen any of the kisses, which, of course, was good, because maybe she wouldn’t have to explain herself to anyone. But if she ever did, there’d also be no one to back her up, which would be bad.
So very bad.
Her phone buzzed, and she about shot out of her skin, jumping to standing position.
“Calm the fuck down,” she said aloud, her voice sounding raw and harsh in the silence. She had to pull herself together. Despite her ingrained association between pleasure and guilt, the world was not falling down around her, at least not yet. Sadie had been as kind and understanding as anyone could ever ask. They’d stopped things before they went very far. They’d both admitted Jay hadn’t instigated the encounter, and she had most certainly ended it. Not a bad recap, when she thought of things in that order.
A little voice whispered that no one else would ever stop to consider any of those things if word got out.
“Word won’t get out,” she told herself aloud once more. Sadie wasn’t the kind of person to tell anyone, and Hank had been snoring softly the whole time. Not that he would run to the press either, but he’d probably have a few choice words for her, given their previous trials. Would he believe Sadie had initiated? She doubted it. He’d seen her attraction early on. Hell, he’d played it to his own advantage. He’d thrown them together in the first place. Maybe she could use that defense.
“You don’t need a defense,” she said louder. “He doesn’t know.”
No one knew. And no one was even paying attention. The press conference after their win yesterday had gone so smoothly. No one had even hinted at her past. She’d almost felt like a normal player. Maybe that’s why she’d let her guard down. Still, it didn’t mean anyone else had to find out. Hell, if anything, the press would be digging for dirt between her and Destiny, and they wouldn’t find anything there.
Her phone buzzed again, and she looked at the screen to see a text message that said, “We’re going to brunch. Save yourself.”
It was from Destiny.
Destiny.
“Fuck.”
She would know. They’d come so far on and off the court, but Jay still caught Destiny watching her more closely around Sadie. She hadn’t wanted to leave her mom’s room last night until Jay did, and now it turned out her worst fears were totally warranted. The minute the two of them were alone, Jay had done exactly what she’d promised she wouldn’t.
Did she not take her promises seriously, or could she simply not control her own actions? Neither option said anything good about her honesty or her fortitude. What if the accusations and criticism were warranted all along? The questions burned through her chest like a hot lance, and she pressed her hand to her sternum, trying to stem the pain.
She paced around the room and struggled to take deep, even breaths. This wasn’t catastrophic. Just because she’d made mistakes in the past didn’t mean she had to make them again. She’d hoped she’d learned her lesson by now, but even if her heart did seem to revel in risky behavior, she had other ways to exert control. If she couldn’t be trusted enough to keep her word for whatever reason, she could keep her distance.
She shook that line of thinking from her mind. One day at a time.
“Still beat.” She texted Destiny back. “Meet you at the airport.”
She dropped the phone to stave off the unreasonable fear that somehow her guilt could be detected wirelessly. Even that technological connection felt too close.
Close, that’s where she’d gone wrong. Her downward slide had started yesterday morning. She’d let Sadie get too close, physically and emotionally. Exhaustion and worry combined to make her let down her walls. Well, that and her gross misunderstanding of Sadie’s feelings for her, since she hadn’t realized Sadie even really wanted to kiss her until she’d done it. Jay had done an admirable job of convincing herself she was alone in her attraction. She’d painted Sadie as a stereotypical tennis mom, and the labeling game had helped her quite a bit, right up until the point when Sadie had cupped her face in her soft palm. By then, it was too late to turn back. She’d yearned for the touch and fallen into her midnight eyes. And then came the kiss.
She let out an involuntary moan at the memory. It had been so long, she thought her memories would’ve taken on mythic proportions in the intervening years, but nothing in the recesses of her mind could compare to the electric press of Sadie’s mouth against her own. Everything about her set Jay’s body alight, from the ample curve of her hip under eager fingers to the lingering taste of wine on her lips. Jay was powerless to resist. She knew that for certain now. Which was why she couldn’t ever let herself get close enough to fall again.
It was just that simple. She couldn’t ever be alone with Sadie again. She’d stay busy. She’d work. She’d travel with the whole group. She would eat alone. She would redouble her efforts
to keep a healthy, professional distance. She could do this. She had to.
She shed her suitcoat and pants, but couldn’t be bothered with the shirt as sadness settled over her. Crawling under the covers this time, she let her limbs go heavy. Just because she knew what she needed to do didn’t mean she had to be happy in her resolve. She tried not to remember a time when she’d been young enough and naive enough to think love could make her strong. It didn’t do any good to dwell on “what ifs.” She had a good life, one most people could only dream of, and even if she were ready to throw it all away, it wasn’t just her career or her heart on the line anymore. Destiny and Sadie and Hank, they all deserved better. As the quiet darkness of her sorrow lulled her back to sleep, her only solace came from knowing that at least maybe this time she could take pride in knowing she was doing the right things, for the right people.
★ ★ ★
“She’s not joining us for dinner?” Sadie tried not to sound disappointed.
“She’s got plans with Peggy Hamilton again.”
Sadie frowned. She wasn’t surprised. Jay had had plans for each of the last five nights. The excuse was rarely the same, meetings with tour officials, a video session, a late appointment with a tour trainer, and now dinner with a friendly rival. She didn’t doubt the stories were genuine, but she did find it suspicious that Jay was suddenly busier than ever the week after they’d kissed. She also felt a little pinprick of something unpleasant at the fact that, for two nights this week, Jay had chosen Peggy as her distraction of choice.
“Good,” Hank said. “She and Peggy used to pal around when they were younger.”
Sadie didn’t know what to make of the comment. She wasn’t so full of herself to assume Jay sat around thinking about her all the time, but surely a trauma like she’d seen on her face after they’d kissed couldn’t be buried inside forever. Did she need someone to talk to, or had she turned to Peggy for a different kind of solace?
Her chest tightened again, and this time she recognized the mix of hurt and envy. She’d felt both emotions before, but this was the first time she’d ever experienced them simultaneously, and she didn’t care for the combination.
“What do you want for dinner?” Destiny scrolled through something on her phone, oblivious to the struggle occurring inside Sadie. “There’s tons of stuff around here. There’s sushi, and down the block there’s sushi, two-tenths of a mile, and there’s a Japanese place with, well, more sushi.”
Hank groaned. “Did we really come all the way to Paris to eat sushi?”
“I think we might be in some sort of Asian district. Wait, here’s an Italian place less than half a mile away.”
“We just left Italy.”
“Well, I for one can eat only so many baguettes and cheeses,” Des said, then laughed. “Actually, that’s not true. I should eat only so many baguettes and cheeses, but I will eat a lot more of them if you insist.”
“If I wasn’t your coach I would, but somehow asking a player to eat extra carbs when she wants fish doesn’t seem right.”
“Two halfhearted votes for sushi,” Destiny said. “What do you say, Mom?”
At the sound of the word “mom,” some deep-grained instinct kicked in, and Sadie made herself fully present in the room. “I’m fine with whatever you want.”
Destiny frowned. “Really? I know you don’t love sushi.”
“I don’t mind,” she said, when what she really meant was she didn’t care. She hadn’t had the mental space required to form strong opinions since Jay’s lips had left her own. When they were kissing, a part of her she’d never known existed had blown wide open. Her every sense had heightened, and then imprinted, those cues on her mind, from the vivid blue of Jay’s eyes, to the clutch of Jay’s strong hands on her waist, to the thunderous echo of her own pulse. Everything since then had seemed dull and muted. She felt like someone who’d seen TV in color for one glorious show and now had to go back to viewing the world in black and white. She found it hard to get too excited about any shade of gray.
“Sushi it is,” said Des with a shrug.
They strolled through the streets of Paris down to the banks of the Seine. In the distance, across the river, the Eiffel Tower peaked dark and proud against the orange evening sky, but the iconic view only helped to amplify her melancholy. Paris in the springtime was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime, and having her daughter smiling by her side should have been more than enough.
It always had been before.
They entered the restaurant, and Hank made a valiant attempt at speaking just enough French to get them seated. The young maître d’, dressed head to toe in black, turned up his nose but clearly understood the request enough to motion for them to follow him up a spiraling set of stairs for what felt like ages.
“Are they tucking us away in the attic?” Hank asked between heavy breaths.
“Do you think we’re underdressed?” Destiny whispered, glancing down at her jeans and red tank top. “I’m still not used to all the dress codes in all these different countries.”
“You look beautiful,” Sadie said from the back of the line.
“Maybe it was my French,” Hank said.
“Was that French?” Destiny teased. “I thought you were having a seizure.”
“Very fun—” Hank’s reply fell short as he reached the top of the stairs. “Whoa.”
“Whoa,” Destiny repeated, coming to a halt right in front of her.
“What?” Sadie asked. “Did they dump us in some sort of crime scene or public restroom?”
“The opposite.” Des stepped out of the doorway to reveal a rooftop deck with an expansive view of the City of Lights. Below, the river curved in a lazy arc around the gardens surrounding the Eiffel Tower in lush green. Beyond it, the city spread out in a maze of stone and concrete showered golden by the glow of street lamps just flickering to life. Sadie’s heart clenched at the beauty of the sight before her, so bittersweet in its sweeping splendor, and yet all of it merely backdrop to the striking sight of Jay Pierce standing casually at the railing.
A slight breeze stirred her hair, and she shook it out of her face, her smile bright as she took in the view, but a shadow crossed over the joyous expression at the sight of them watching her.
“Oh. Hello,” Jay said, after the second it took for her to replace her surprise with a forced smile. “Great minds must think alike.”
The comment was on par with the last few days. Every time they’d been forced to interact, starting from the plane ride to Paris and going right up through today’s hitting session, Jay had walked a pleasantly benign conversational line. She’d resorted to clichés and sound bites at every turn. Sadie had been impressed with Jay’s ability to skirt heavy topics in press conferences, but she found the skill less endearing on a personal level. Hank didn’t seem bothered by the banality though.
“Hey, look who’s here.” He strode over, arms wide in exuberant greeting.
“Hank.” Peggy laughed as she kissed him on each cheek. “You haven’t changed a bit.”
He patted his protruding stomach. “You’re nice to say that, but I’ve got access to mirrors.”
“Will you be dining together?” the waiter asked, his English only slightly accented.
Everyone glanced around at each other awkwardly, but Jay spoke first. “We don’t want to intrude on your dinner.”
“Don’t be silly,” Hank said. “This feels like a family reunion.”
Peggy turned to Jay, questions in her eyes. The unspoken communication caused another twinge of jealousy in Sadie. Why should this Peggy woman understand Jay better simply because they’d known each other years ago? Sadie was the one who’d been there for months. She’d been the one who’d held her and kissed her. And why should Jay get to share the awkwardness with someone else when Sadie had to deal with her emotions alone?
“Hi, I’m Destiny Larsen,” Des said, stepping forward with her hand extended. “If we’re having a family reunion, I suppo
se I should at least introduce myself.”
Peggy took her hand and smiled brightly. “I’m Peggy Hamilton.”
“Yeah, I know,” Des said with a dopey grin.
“Sorry. I always forget to do the formal introduction thing. This is my doubles partner. As she mentioned, her name is Destiny,” Jay said, sounding chagrined. Then gesturing hastily toward Sadie, added, “And this is her mom.”
Peggy turned, her smile widening so far it might have actually made her blond ponytail bob. “So wonderful to meet you, Ms. Larsen.”
“Please, call me Sadie,” she replied, trying not to overthink the fact that Jay hadn’t used her name and had instead identified her by her relationship to Destiny.
“Great.” Hank clapped his hands together and turned back toward the maître d’. “Now that we got the formalities out of the way and figured out you speak English better than I speak French, can we get a table for five?”
The maître d’ waved his hand toward a circular table in the corner of the rooftop, as if leading them there would be entirely too tedious for him, and then walked away in the opposite direction.
“Oh, don’t you just love that French hospitality?” Peggy joked. Then pulling out two chairs, she said, “Destiny, come sit by me and tell me all your secrets, because we’re bound to face each other on the court sooner rather than later.”
“Careful,” Jay warned, her tone light as she hung back. “You and Peggy are in the same quarter of the draw next week.”
“Yeah, and don’t let those dimples fool you,” Hank said. “She’d sell her own mother to earn a few extra points.”
“I don’t deny it,” Peggy said, as Sadie took the seat on the other side of Destiny, “but if you met my mother, you’d hardly blame me. Jay can vouch.”
“It’s true. She’s horrible.” Jay sat down on the other side of Peggy, leaving a chair for Hank right between her and Sadie. Another subtle move that could easily be explained away, but the total of all of them put together added up to something more than coincidence.
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