He had niggling worries that Sandra’s leaving was affecting Lynn on a deeper level than he could reach.
He hoped to help his case tonight and was glad that the weather was cooperating. The stars were like diamonds sparkling in the huge, dark sky as he’d walked to her door and knocked.
Looking at her, his heart lunged into his throat and shut off his air supply. It was a wonder he was able to tease her with his greeting.
She was smiling at him but in her eyes he saw the same tension that had concerned him all week. Even before Sandra had left, that edge in Lynn’s eyes had him worrying that she was putting up a brave front before she broke and ran. It had him on his knees every night asking God to let her trust him.
“Hey, don’t look at me like that,” he said, determined to keep his voice light. “You do look lovely tonight.”
She looked down at the jeans, boots and red sweater she wore. “I’ll take your word for it then.”
He leaned against the door frame and punched his hat off his forehead then gave her his best Turner smile. “Believe me, my word is good,” he drawled nice and slow, even though he wanted to growl in frustration. No matter how good the week had been, her trust issues were hanging in the balance—in that look in the edge of her eyes. Frustrated by his lack of patience he gave up the nonchalant pose and straightened. His nerves were humming tonight. “Where are the boys?”
“Dottie picked them up on her way back from town.”
He was disappointed. “We could have taken them.”
“It’s all right. Dottie didn’t mind.”
“It wouldn’t have been a bother.” Nothing about her or her boys was a bother to him. “I enjoy seeing them.”
She nodded but instead of saying anything she picked up her purse from the hall table and pulled the door shut. “I guess we better go.”
He nodded though the way she’d said the words settled in his gut like lead. Something wasn’t right.
The community center was packed by the time they arrived. Lynn had been feeling downhearted all afternoon and felt guilty that she’d basically shot down Chance’s good mood. It was mean and selfish and yet she’d done it anyway. She knew it was because of the pressure from the week. She was worried for Sandra and Margaret and heartbroken that Sandra had chosen to go back to her husband. But she above everyone else understood how mixed up Sandra’s mind and heart were at the moment. Lynn had thanked God several times since yesterday that He had given her the strength to break free of Drew.
But with every second Chance spent with her boys the pressure built. Could she go back into a relationship again? Could she be totally free from the scars left from her marriage? She had to make a decision and she had to make it now. The potential for her boys’ hearts getting broken was escalating and, no matter what Lacy or anyone else said, sitting back and just letting God handle it was not working for her.
She’d done that before—true, the situation had been different. Drew had been violent and manipulative while Chance was wonderful and loving. But if she couldn’t give her heart over to trusting and fully loving Chance, she was going to have to pull away before everyone got hurt. With Drew she was the one who had finally made the break. Not God. And this relationship with Chance was on her shoulders, too.
Music was playing in the background. Mule Hollow’s cowboys had talent. There were several who could sing like Nashville gold, and as Lynn and Chance entered the building Bob Jacobs was singing a Tim McGraw love song. Love songs…she was in trouble.
The room was decorated with Christmas lights strung about the ceiling. Garlands of colorful lights hung around the doorways. On the small stage they’d set a metal horse trough and filled it with Christmas presents. Beside the trough was a brightly decorated Christmas tree.
“This looks great,” Chance said as they entered.
“It does,” Lynn murmured, very aware of his hand resting between her shoulder blades. She fought to appear collected.
“Y’all came!” Esther Mae exclaimed from a table near the door. “Come over here and sign your names. We want a record of all who attended. That way next year we can look back and see how many of the couples who came tonight ended up getting married.”
She smiled and looked from Chance to Lynn.
Lynn’s stomach hurt. Chance gave her a humorous wink that Esther Mae was thrilled to see.
“Y’all make the cutest couple. Babies would be so sweet.”
“Hang on, Esther Mae,” Chance said, coming to the rescue. “Don’t get too far ahead of the plan. I’m just thankful tonight that Lynn came with me at all.”
Lynn smiled and touched his arm. “I’ve got two already,” she said to anyone listening. She felt defensive.
“And they’re two good ones to have,” Chance said, giving her a look that said he understood. “It’s good to see you, Esther Mae. We’ll get out of your way so the next ones can sign up.”
The bouncy redhead waved them off. “Chance, you be sure and dance with Lynn,” she called as they were mixing into the crowd.
“I’m planning on doing just that,” he said in Lynn’s ear as he leaned in and spoke only to her. “You doing okay? You look upset.”
The man was too perceptive. “I’m fine, just feeling stressed.”
He draped his arm across her shoulders and gently pulled her into the crook of his side. She had the urge to rest her head against his shoulder but she didn’t.
“Don’t stress, Lynn. Just relax and enjoy the time here with our friends. Don’t let Esther Mae upset you. She didn’t mean to put too much pressure on you.”
That made her laugh. He did, too.
“Okay, so I take that back. She meant it but she didn’t mean it to make you feel bad. She meant it out of love and concern for you, and for me, for that matter.”
Lynn took a deep breath and momentarily enjoyed being so close to him. There had been times during the week that he’d kissed her when the boys weren’t around. And he’d kissed her before he’d left each night. And each time she’d felt like she could kiss him for the rest of her life. She’d felt a longing for more, for the loving relationship, physically and emotionally, that God meant for a married husband and wife to have. She’d missed out on the true relationship that God had intended a marriage to be…. She wanted it.
But there was the risk involved. The heartache. The disillusionment. Depressed, she tried to force the thoughts from her mind.
“Come on, what you need is a little two-step.” Chance grinned and swept her out onto the dance floor.
“You know, my grandmother called this exercise, not dancing.”
Lynn would have laughed but she was trying to concentrate on getting the steps right. She hadn’t danced in years. Not since she was in high school. Chance was careful to keep a respectable distance between them as he held her hand in his and kept his arm draped across her shoulders. Cole and Susan danced past them, enjoying the song and time together. Stacy was on the dance floor with Emmett, having returned from their honeymoon at the beginning of the week.
Lynn should have relaxed. She told herself to breathe deep and relax. To enjoy the moment and the prospect of the future she and Chance could have…but Drew’s face and all the manipulation that he’d put her though slammed into her with such force that she couldn’t even hear the music any longer. Her past was the past, but it clung to her like dirt. She’d hoped loving Chance would wipe it away but it was still there. Thoughts of all she’d been through with Drew sucked the enjoyment out of moments like this.
“Lynn, you’re crying,” Chance said, looking closely at her. His eyes were so concerned.
“No,” she said, but knew it wasn’t true as she blinked hard and fought off tears welling in her eyes. She had never been so thankful for low lighting in all her life.
“I’m sorry, Chance.”
He dipped his head as he slowed their two-step and met her gaze. “Don’t be sorry, but I think maybe we need to go outside and talk about this.”
She nodded, afraid to speak. Afraid of crying and just as afraid of what she knew she was going to say.
Chance had a bad feeling.
As soon as they’d gone outside Lynn had told him she wanted to go home. He’d said sure, asked if she felt bad, and she’d said she just needed to go home. She’d refused to say anything the entire six miles from town. His heart felt heavy for her. She was fighting demons from her past, he was certain. Dear Lord, he prayed, give me the words to help free her from the wrong that has been done to her.
The Christmas lights were on, cheerily welcoming them to her home. He half expected the boys to run out of the house and throw themselves at his legs like they loved to do, but they weren’t home. He’d started to go get them but she’d said no. She’d simply wanted to go home and after that she’d been silent.
His heart was aching and fear gripped him as he parked. He started to get out but she placed her hand on his arm and stopped him.
“Chance. Wait. I’m so sorry, but this isn’t going to work.”
“Lynn. Give it time. I love you and I believe—no, I know you love me. I want to marry you and have a future with you. It can be wonderful—”
“It’s not that simple, Chance.”
She’d been on the verge of tears at the ball but now she was calm. Her voice was steady and her beautiful midnight eyes as clear and bright as a night sky lit by a full moon. It was that calmness that scared him the most.
“I can’t, Chance. I just can’t do this. You have a life, too, and it’s out there on the rodeo circuit. Not here tied down.” She opened her door.
“Lynn, don’t do this. I’m not going to get out now, because I know you need time to think. But pray about it—”
She nodded and as she closed the door he saw a tear run down her cheek. He couldn’t take it. He pushed open the door and was storming around the truck in seconds. He’d let Randy go the wrong direction because he hadn’t taken action. He would not do that with Lynn.
She was standing in the headlight beam wiping tears from her eyes when he reached her. He took her by the arms. “I can’t force you to do something you don’t want to do. Or that you can’t do. I can’t force you to trust me. I can’t take your past away. Or get rid of your emotional or physical scars. I couldn’t make Randy’s choice for him. You couldn’t make Sandra’s choice for her. There are some things we are not in control of, but this I know…I can love you. I can and will protect you, from here on out.” He pulled her into his embrace but she pulled away.
“I don’t want a man to have to protect me. I’m going to protect myself.”
“So that’s what this is. You are protecting yourself. From me?”
“From anyone.”
“From me.” He clarified. It was obvious what she meant. “I would never hurt you.”
“I know,” she said.
“Then what is this?”
She took a deep breath. “This is me protecting my self.”
Chance took a step back. “No. This is you taking the easy way out. God never promised we wouldn’t have trouble. As a matter of fact, in His word He says, ‘In this life you will have trouble.’ You are trying too hard to stay safe. You have to trust God at some point.” Chance spun and stalked to his truck. She had to come to him of her own choice. He’d just told her she needed to trust the Lord, and he needed to do the same thing.
But as he got into his truck, it took every ounce of his willpower to hold himself back.
As he drove away he knew she was wrong—his life wasn’t on the rodeo circuit. It was here with her and her boys and somehow, some way, he was going to prove it to her.
Chapter Twenty
“Momma, where is Chance?” Gavin asked. It was Christmas Eve night and she was tucking them into their beds.
“He was supposed to be here for baby Jesus’ birthday,” Jack said.
Both boys were tucked in and staring up at her with their wide eyes. They’d been asking about Chance for the last two days. Ever since Dottie had brought them home the morning after the ball they’d been confused.
She’d waited too long to figure out that the best way to protect them was to play it safe. Chance disagreed with her but she couldn’t help that. In her mind she’d waited too long and now she knew this breakup was going to hurt them. But it wouldn’t hurt as bad as it could have if she’d kept on seeing Chance and things hadn’t worked out. No. Despite the fact that it was going to hurt them now she knew it was better this way. Her own heart—well, she couldn’t think about that.
The thought of actually crossing the line into giving control of her life over to someone else again scared her to death. Yes, Rose and Stacy had moved on. But everyone dealt with abuse and heartache in different ways. She’d thought she was the strongest of all the women when she’d boarded the bus and headed to Mule Hollow. Well, she wasn’t. She couldn’t resolve her feelings about the past and she couldn’t move forward into a relationship, no matter how desperately she wanted it to work.
But still, she hated to tell Gavin and Jack that Chance wouldn’t be coming around anymore. And she couldn’t bring herself to tell them now, on the eve of Christmas. But what else could she do? She’d walked right into this.
She sat on the edge of Jack’s bed, which was a mere arm’s length from Gavin’s. “Chance isn’t going to be here in the morning,” she said gently and saw their expressions fall instantly.
“But why?” Jack asked.
Gavin sat up. “He promised.”
Because I can’t let him be here.
“But Santa Claus is coming and we’re gonna read the story of baby Jesus ’cause that’s what Christmas is really about,” Jack said solemnly.
She smoothed his hair and kissed the top of his head. Then she moved to Gavin’s bed and hugged him. “Come on, lie back down. We’ll talk more in the morning but right now you two need to go to sleep.”
“He’s gonna come,” Gavin said. “He said a man’s word was his bond.”
“Yeah,” Jack said, bolting upright. “His integ-itchy means everything. God wants us to grow up to be that.”
Lynn’s stomach twisted and her heart felt heavier than it already was, which was hard to believe. “It sounds like you’ve been having lots of interesting conversations this week.”
Both boys’ eyes were solemn. “We want Chance to be our daddy, Momma,” Gavin said.
“We done asked God for him,” Jack said.
Lynn swallowed the lump in her throat, felt the scald of tears fighting for release and the burn in her heart—she wanted this for them, too. She wanted Chance but…she had to make the right choice.
“Let’s say our prayers, guys, and then get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a good day.” She pushed other thoughts from her head and concentrated on the celebration of Jesus’ birth.
Both boys closed their eyes and prayed for Chance to be their daddy.
Lynn hardly slept. She lay down but her heart was heavy and her thoughts were full. She’d missed Chance so much since sending him away. She pulled her Bible into her lap and stared at the verse that jumped out at her. Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” It was the life verse of the shelter. It was a verse she grasped with all her heart. But she’d believed she was seeing her future here in this house with her boys. And then Chance entered the picture, and all the pain of her past was stirred up and the clarity she’d thought she’d found was muddied up as thick as riverbed sludge.
She’d prayed for God to give her peace to help her through this, and she’d yet to find any relief. Sending Chance away had only made it worse.
And now she realized he’d been teaching her boys all week things a man should be. He not only had been teaching them through his actions but also through his words. A man of integrity. That’s what he was. And she’d turned him away.
It was five o’clock when something startled
her and her Bible slid off her lap beside her. She glanced at the clock and realized that she had dozed off at some point.
“Lynn.”
A tapping sound on her window had her bolting straight up, and she was sure she heard Chance calling her name. What?
Scrambling out of bed she hurried to the window. She yanked her housecoat on over her red flannel pajamas and peeked through the curtain. Sure enough, standing in the pale morning darkness was Chance. Tiny sat at his feet looking at him adoringly.
When Chance saw Lynn he smiled. “Can we talk?” he asked.
She nodded, dropped the curtain and almost broke her neck rushing to the back door. He was here!
She unlatched the door and hurried out onto the small porch. Chance stood there waiting, strong and steady.
“You came.” Her words were breathless.
He nodded, and looked slightly confused by her greeting. “Lynn, I love you. It’s been killing me to keep away from you and the boys, but I’m doing it because you asked me to. But I gave them my word, so I have to ask you if I can show up here in a little while.”
He’d come. The words kept ringing in her heart and head. He came. He kept his word to her sons. He was asking her permission. He loved her…he loved them.
She couldn’t speak. So much was in her heart. So much told her this wouldn’t work. So much told her it would.
Chance stepped onto the porch but didn’t touch her. “Lynn, I can’t stand this. You love me.” There was a fierceness in his words that dared her to deny it was true. “I’ve been praying for you. I know trust is hard for you, but can’t you please see that I’ll never harm you? I want to be your champion. I want to protect you, not to harm you.”
God’s words echoed in her head. I have plans for you, Lynn Perry. Plans to prosper you. Not to harm you. Plans to give you, Lynn Perry—you—hope and a future.
Chance dropped to his knee and took her hand, and her heart stopped beating. “I’m asking you to marry me, Lynn. I’m laying my heart out here so that there is no mistaking what my intentions are. I love you. I love your boys and I love your dog. I love the whole package. I keep thinking I didn’t give Randy my everything.”
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