Candi
By Jenna Spencer
2013 by Jenna Spencer
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote a brief passage in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.
First printing
All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
Chapter 1
~This is weird~
August 9
Hi. My name is Candice. I have shoulder length dark brown hair and hazel eyes. I’m not short, but not tall, just average I guess. Everything about me is average. I’m not very popular in school. I have friends, a couple anyway. I wish that the boys would notice me. I wish anyone would notice me.
My Aunt gave me this journal for my birthday. She said that it is for my inner most thoughts and dreams. I don’t think that I have any inner most thoughts and dreams but I’ll try.
If I do have inner most thoughts and dreams I would be afraid to write them here because my mom would probably read them. But I don’t have anything to hide really. Except that I have a crush on someone, but I’ll save that for another day.
I like school. At least I get to see my friends and get away from my house. School just started back up again. Summer is over. I miss sleeping in and hanging out with my friends.
My family is alright. I just don’t have much in common with them. Mom likes to have family dinners together, but we don’t have anything to talk about. She tries to get me to talk about my day, but I kinda just wish she’d leave me alone.
My older brother Jake moved out a few years ago and I don’t see him much. He stays away. He goes to college, has a job and lives in the city. I am stuck here in this Podunk town with nothing to do. I can’t wait to get out of here.
I live with my mom and step dad. They say they love each other but they seem to fight a lot about money and stuff. Is that what love is? Maybe I don’t want to be an adult and get married. It doesn’t look like fun to me. They never seem very happy.
At least I try to be happy. I haven’t seen my real dad in like seven years. Mom and him split up when I was eight and he just kind of fell off the earth. Mom said that he was a bad man and did bad things, so she was glad that he was gone. I don’t remember him much.
I have two really good friends Paige and Missy. They are awesome. We have been friends since elementary school. They’re actually here now so… goodbye.
August 10
I had a really great birthday yesterday. Paige and Missy had a “Twilight” party for me. It was just the three of us. We watched back to back episodes of Jacob and Edward. I am a Jacob fan. But I like him before he got his sexy stomach. When he was just a nerdy wolf, I thought he was hotter then. Now everyone loves him, because he is cute now. But I thought he was cute before too.
Paige and Missy made food for the movie party. They made stuff like dirt pudding and cat eyes. They even made a cake graveyard for me out of cut up angel food cake that looked like tombstones. It was awesome.
Back to school tomorrow. I still have homework to do, blehhhhh…
I hate homework. I get good grades, but it’s so boring. Do they really think we give a shit about any of this stuff? I don’t think I’ll use any of this great knowledge later in life. My teachers are just big kid babysitters, paid to keep up occupied and out of trouble all day while our parents are at work. I’d rather be doing something else… something fun and exciting, but there’s not much exciting to do around here.
August 11
I’m so glad I went to school today. Ben smiled at me. He is so cute. My stomach did somersaults when he smiled at me. I like him so much. He smiled at me… so does that mean that he likes me too? We were in Algebra and I dropped my pencil. Ben sits next to me. It rolled under his desk. He picked it up and smiled at me when he gave it to me. My fingers touched his when I grabbed it. I actually touched him! Oh my gosh, he is soooooo cute. I wonder if he likes me. He is so quiet. He only talks to his friend Dylan. I like him so much.
There is a Sadie Hawkins Day dance next month. Girls are supposed to ask the guys to the dance. I wonder if I could get up the nerve.
Missy told me to pass Ben a note and ask him to the dance. Maybe I will do that, but I am so scared. What if he says no? Then what do I do? I will be so embarrassed. What if he says yes? OMG!!!! If he said yes, it would be awesome. I would feel like a queen. He is sooooo cute. I love his dark curly hair and his warm puppy dog eyes. I just want to take him home and snuggle with him. Ben always wears the coolest boots and he chews on the end of his pencil in class. Oh how I would love to be that pencil and have him nibble on me. J
I am pretty invisible at school. I’m not the prettiest girl here. We’re not rich, so I don’t have cool clothes. There’s nothing special about me. Nothing that stands out from the crowd. I kinda wish that I would stand out and that people would notice me. I wish that Ben would notice me.
Maybe I’ll pass him a note. Just do it and get it over with. I don’t think he has a girlfriend. I haven’t seen him with anyone since Lauri Stevenson. She moved away last year. I wish that I was in the “in crowd” so that I knew all these things. I try to overhear gossip so that I know stuff, but nobody tells me anything. I’m just a fly on the wall… no, I’m a flea on the fly on the wall. Some days it feels like I don’t exist at all.
Aug 12
I did it. I got up the nerve today in class and passed Ben a note and asked him to the dance. He smiled at me and nodded. Oh my gosh, I think I’m gonna throw up. This is really happening.
Ben came over to my locker at the end of school and talked to me. Oh my gosh, he really talked to me. He got close to me and said that we should hang out some time. I could smell his breath he was so close. He had minty gum in his mouth and he smelled so good.
I told him sure, that I’d love to hang out with him some time. We made plans to meet tomorrow after school at Pizza King. What do I wear? What do I talk about? I am sooooo nervous. I wish Paige and Missy were coming with me. I can’t believe this is happening. He ROCKS! I am so excited…
Ben said that I looked pretty today. Do you believe that? He actually noticed what I was wearing! When he said that, he looked up and down my body. I felt like crawling in a hole. Ben actually looked at my boobs. OMG>>> They’re okay aren’t they? They’re not huge like Suzie McElhaneys but they aren’t small either. Oh my, Ben looked at my boobs and he said that I looked pretty. I think I’m gonna throw up now. My stomach is turning over in knots.
Paige and Missy are here to help me pick out an outfit…. I think I want to wear my hot pink top with my black skinny jeans. They make my butt look so good. I am sooo nervous. Wish me luck… Later!
Aug 13
Okay… simple fact…. I am in love! Ben is AMAZING!!!! He is smart and funny and nice and soooo cute. I had the best time EVER after school today. We talked about school and our friends. I really got to know him. His parents are divorced like mine. He never sees his dad either and his mom works like two jobs so he never sees her much. He said that when he does see her that she is so stressed out about money, that he just avoids her and goes to Dylan’s house. They can do whatever they want there. Dylans parents don’t even give him a curfew. Wow, can you imagine? That would be awesome! They treat him like an adult. I wish my parents were cool like that.
My parents are so strict that sometimes I don’t feel like I can breathe. They think that I am a little kid and they don’t trust me. I just wish they would back off and let me make my own decisions. I’m sure I’ll make some mistakes, but isn’t that what teenagers are supposed to do? They need to cut me some sl
ack. I’m not a baby.
I’m gonna see again Ben this weekend. He said maybe we could see a movie or something. He drove me home from the pizza joint and he even opened the door for me. He is so sweet. I like him so much. He’s quiet and shy, but cool. He isn’t nerd quiet, but cool quiet, you know what I mean? OH MY GOSH>>>> I like him sooooo much. Do you think he likes me? I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight. But if I do… I know I’ll dream of Ben!
Sweet dreams…
Aug 14
Paige and Missy are calling me non-stop. They are like little lost puppies trying to live through me. Wow, I love them… but my love for Ben is different. He is the one, I just know it!
Ben called me today. We talked on the phone for almost an hour. He is soooo sweet. I like him soooo much. We talked about school and the teachers. He told me how he cheats in History class. He is very creative. I can learn a lot from Ben. I told him all about Paige and Missy. He said that they sounded like good friends. Of course I agreed with him.
Finally, my mom made me get off the phone. Really? What was I hurting by talking on the phone? Once again, she’s gotta be the boss and treat me like a child.
He’s gonna pick me up at six tonight and we’re gonna get a burger then go see a movie. I wonder what we’ll see? Maybe something scary so that I can snuggle with him. I wonder if he will try to put his arm around me. I’ll be sure to wear extra spray so that I will smell good in case he does. Gotta go pick out an outfit. I am soooo nervous! Good nervous!
This journal is pretty cool actually. I carry it in my purse with me and write stuff down when I don’t have anything else to do. It’s like my friend or something. Someone that I talk to about stuff, personal stuff.
Later friend… haha
Aug 14 again…
I just got home from my date with Ben. OMG!!! He is AMAZING! We had soooo much fun. I didn’t know that Dylan and his girlfriend Jessica were coming too, but it was okay. I don’t think Jessica liked me much, but Dylan was nice. He is kinda cool. He is tough and street smart. I don’t think he has much supervision from his parents, so he just does whatever he wants to do. He gets in trouble at school sometimes. Just for skipping class or not turning in homework, it’s not like he brings a gun to school or anything. He’s not a bad kid. He’s kinda cute in a rough way.
Dylan and Jessica didn’t really want to go to the movies but Ben told them that it would be fun. I wish that he didn’t talk them into coming. I just wanted to be with Ben, not with them too. But it was cool. They seemed nice and all.
Ben put his arm around me at the movies. It was sweet and my heart skipped a beat when he did it… literally… I could feel my heart jump. He didn’t act all strange about it, like in the movies. He didn’t pretend to be stretching. He just reached up and put his arm around me, like he was protecting me or something. He is so sweet and he is such a gentleman.
Dylan and Jessica kissed and made out the entire movie. It was kinda strange, but they were on the other side of Ben so I didn’t have to deal with it really. Poor Ben… it must have been uncomfortable for him. Jessica must be a really loose girl to just make out like that in public. I could never do that.
I can’t wait to see Ben again… I really do think he is the one for me. I can just tell. When he talks to me, it’s like I am the only girl on the planet. He is into me and I am sooooo into him.
Aug 15
Family Sunday… yuck… dinner where we all sit around in silence and try to come up with something to talk about. I don’t have anything to say to my parents. They just don’t get it. They don’t get me. And I don’t get them… I will NEVER be like them… NEVER!!!!!!!
My mom actually tried to talk to me about bras… right there at the dinner table. Is she nuts? I was so embarrassed. Sometimes I just wish she would shut up and go away. She actually said to me, “Don’t be embarrassed honey, all girls have boobies.” Seriously mom? She said this in front of Larry and all. Did she think that I didn’t know that all girls have boobs… and she called them boobies. OMG>>> am I five years old??? No I am not mom!!!! She makes me crazy!!!!
We had meatloaf… I hate that almost as much as the family gatherings. It was a horrid meal. Boring day… I just dreamt about Ben all day. I wondered what he was doing and if he missed me too? I tried to do my homework, but all I did was doodle his name in my notebook. I love his name. It’s sweet but strong at the same time, just like him.
I’m gonna see him tomorrow at school… I can’t wait! What should I wear? Hmmm….. Maybe my Boys Like Girls t-shirt. I think Ben likes them too. We have so much in common. I can’t wait to see him.
Aug 16
Wow, what a great day. Ben came up to me with a HUGE smile on his face. He leaned against my locker, just like they do in the movies and talked to me. All the other girls were jealous. I could feel them staring at me. But he likes me… not them… so booyah! I’m gonna see Ben after school tomorrow. I need to do all my homework tonight so that I can just focus on Ben tomorrow…. Ben Ben Ben, I just love saying his name.
Ben isn’t really in the popular crowd at school. But he is by far the cutest boy here. He doesn’t wear Abercrombie or Holister, but I don’t either so it’s cool. We are a perfect match for each other.
Paige and Missy are on their way over to help me pick out an outfit. I think they’re jealous of me too… They don’t have boyfriends… well, not that Ben is my boyfriend, but we are dating! Paige wants to do my hair and Missy says that she’s on make-up patrol. I have my own personal assistants. This is awesome. They are soooo happy for me. I am so happy for me.
I feel cool and noticed for the first time ever in school. When Ben is with me, people notice. When we walk down the hallway, he holds my hand. He is so sweet. People see me different now. They think that I am not just a nerdy kid… I am a cool woman. I have Ben. I want Ben soooo much!
Aug 17
My day was the best ever. I feel so grown up. I am almost an adult I think. I went to Bens after school. I told my mom that we were studying at the library, but really we went to Ben’s house. His mom was at work so we had the whole house to ourselves… until Dylan and Jess came over. They hung out with us for a while in the living room.
They were both smoking cigarettes which I think is gross. Dylan even took a beer out of the fridge and he and Jess shared it. Ben said that his mom wouldn’t notice and offered me one too. I didn’t want one, so we just had pop instead.
Dylan and Jess weren’t with us for long before they started making out… right there in front of us… I felt strange and tried to look away, but they didn’t seem to care if anyone saw or not.
Finally, they went upstairs to a bedroom and I could here them doing it. OMG!!!! It was strange… I have never heard anyone doing it before. I must admit that they sounded like they were having fun.
Ben and I watched TV for a while, and then he put his arm around me again.
Then he did it… he kissed me. It was my first kiss and it was soooo awesome! He lips were soft and I even felt his tongue. I wasn’t sure what to do, I didn’t stick my tongue out, but I could feel his. It felt strange in my mouth, but I liked it. He really likes me. He kissed me, with his tongue! Does this mean that we are boyfriend and girlfriend now??? IDK, I have to go call Paige and Missy… maybe they will know. They will be soooo jealous of me!
I touched his soft curly hair while he kissed me. He closed his eyes but I kept mine open and watched him. He is so sexy. I can’t believe that he kissed me. He really really kissed me! I feel like I am floating on a cloud or something. This feels so awesome!
Aug 18
Yup, its official, Paige and Missy are jealous… this is GREAT! I have never had anything in my life before for anyone else to be jealous of… I love it… and I think I love Ben, no I DO LOVE BEN!!! He walks with me to class. We even sit together at lunch. Today we sat with Dylan and Jess. They are actually really cool.
People are all looking at me… I know that they’re jealous. I am not that dorky little
kid anymore. I am with the cool kids. They smoke and drink and do other stuff… sex stuff. Stuff that I wanna do too, I think? Does that make me a bad person? I’m just a teenager, it’s okay to explore and experience things, right? That’s what teenagers do and I wanna do it too. I don’t want to have sex though. I’m scared… will it hurt?
I can’t believe that I’m writing all this down, but I feel like I can say anything here. My mom would FREAK OUT if she read any of this. Seriously, she would like go all ape-shit on me for even having these thoughts. I’ve resorted to carrying this journal with me everywhere I go. I even put it under my pillow when I sleep so that no one can get their grubby little hands on it. These are my thoughts and no one else’s business!
Sorry, I know all I seem to be talking about lately is Ben. I love being with him. When he puts his arm around me and stares into my eyes, I feel so special. He makes me feel important when I’m with him. I feel like I matter to him. I love him so much!
Aug 19
Ben is sooo sweet to me. He carries my books to class and drives me home from school everyday. I found out today that his real name is Bently… like the car. He has an older sister named Porche. How weird is that? He said that his dad really liked classic old cars, that’s how they got their names.
He told me secrets about himself that he’d never shared with anyone else. We parked down the street and he told me how his dad had left them. Just up and abandoned his family one day. Ben seemed so sad.
I hugged him and told him that I knew what it felt like. My dad ran off on us too. Ben seemed really happy that someone else knew what it felt like. We have so much in common. I just know that we will be together forever.
Candi Page 1