He’s alright, but he’s not my dad. I barely remember my dad, but I miss him. I remember sitting in his lap for hours. I don’t feel close like that with my mom, and especially not with Larry.
Every time I look at Larry, he has a look on his face like he would rather be anywhere but here. Why are grown ups so miserable? And why do they try to put all their misery off on us?
Ben didn’t call or text me all day. He must be mad at me. I tried to text him but he didn’t reply. I got my homework done and got through the dreaded family dinner. Now what… where is Ben? I miss him.
I don’t think I can sleep without hearing from him. I really do love him. Did I make a mistake? I don’t want to lose him.
Sleep …. Sleep… where are you?
Aug 30
Okay so Ben is really distant from me. He says that he’s not mad but I can tell something is different.
Jess came up to me today and asked what the hell I was thinking? She told me that I needed to do this to keep him and maybe she was right. I do love Ben and want to be with him.
Jess told me that I’m not too young and that she started much younger than me and that it’s cool.
She said that I’m not a whore for sleeping with my boyfriend, only if I sleep around with lots of guys. She’s right… I can sleep with my boyfriend if I want to… and I want to, I’m just scared. I don’t want to get caught or get pregnant. Jess gave me a condom and told me to do whatever it takes not to lose Ben.
I talked to Ben at school today. I leaned up next to him outside after class and kissed him. He was a little hesitant. I reached down and rubbed his dick through his jeans. A huge smile came across his face and he got a boner.
He kissed me and told me that we definitely needed to talk. He said that his mom has to work tomorrow night. He is gonna pick me up and we can go there, just the two of us and be alone. I really want to keep Ben. I love him so much. I have never felt like this before. He is amazing and he loves me too. Why not do it? But I’m scared.
Aug 31
Well I did it I really messed it up now. Missy cornered me in the bathroom at school today, and said, “You’re messing up your life.”
I just smiled at her. “You’re just jealous.”
“No, I’m your friend and I don’t want you to make mistakes that you can’t take back.”
“You just don’t understand. You’re still a child. You’re clueless. Mind your own damn business.”
Her eyes began to tear up and she left the room.
I sat in the stall and cried. I don’t really believe her but she did make sense. I do fell like I’m too young for sex. I really love Ben and everything we do feels so good and just makes our love stronger. But sex? Do I really want to start having sex? I love Ben. She just doesn’t understand.
All day I kept thinking about what she said. This is moving really fast. Ben and I just got together a few weeks ago. Now it’s at sex already. It’s so soon, but when you find the right one, you just know. I know he’s the one. I am smart and I am not too young, but it’s moving so fast. I love him, what do I do? He’ll be here in an hour. Should I do it??? I wish this stupid journal could talk back!!!!! I need help!
Aug 31 again
Wow, I didn’t think I’d use this thing at all, now I am using it twice in a day sometimes. Cool. I like trying to process my thoughts. This journal is kinda cool. I just have to keep it hidden really well. My mom would shit a brick if she found it.
Well I just went over Ben’s and we made out. He wanted to do more but I told him I wanted to wait. I wanted to go a little slower and make it special. He seemed to understand what I was saying but he seemed a little pissed too. I think it was just cause he really wanted to do it. He loves me. We should wait.
I still gave him a blow job and he came all over my face. That was really gross, but it made him happy. I think we’re cool. I love him and he loves me, so we should wait until the time is perfect. How do I know when the time is perfect? Sometimes I get foggy, especially with the beer and pot. We had a beer tonight, but no pot.
Dylan and Jess weren’t there. I guess Dylan’s folks found out that he took some of their stash the other night and they are PISSED at him. He’s laying low, Ben said.
I feel bad for Dylan. He’s not a bad guy. He has a really bad home life. How can his parents have pot lying around the house but be mad at him for using some? That is strange. I’m so glad that I have my shit together. Missy was wrong; I am not messing up my life… I’m LIVING IT!
Sept 1
Wow, really really bad day. Ben barely spoke to me all day. He wasn’t at my locker between classes and he didn’t sit with me at lunch. I still sat with Jess and Dylan but Ben never showed up.
Jess asked what happened and I told her we were slowing down. Ben was okay with that. Jess said, obviously he’s not okay with it. Was Ben breaking up with me? Dylan’s gonna talk to him for me.
Jess just shook her head and said that she told me so. That’s not what I want to hear. I thought she was my friend. What do I do now? I tried to call Ben after school, but he didn’t answer. Dylan gave me a ride home cause Ben left before I got out there.
Wow, seriously Ben, seriously? I thought you loved me. You said it was cool if I wanted to slow down. I need to talk to him… I need to make him understand.
Sept 2
It’s official… Ben wants nothing to do with me. I can’t stop crying. I can’t even think straight. I love him so much. Why? How can he just forget about all we have together and move on without me. He won’t even look at me anymore.
I’m gonna go over to his house tonight. I’ll walk there if I have to… maybe Dylan will give me a ride. I just HAVE to see him. He is my life. I want to be with him forever. If I need to sleep with him to keep him then I’ll do it. It’s no big deal, I just wanted it to be special. But I didn’t want to lose him over it. Oh god, I can’t stop crying.
My mom keeps trying to talk to me and I just want her to go away and leave me alone. There is no way that she will understand. The more I tell her to go away, the more she tries to pry into my life. I just want her to leave me the hell alone!!! I don’t need her, I need Ben.
I’ve got to see him NOW!!!!! This hurts so much. I have to get him back, I have to!
Chapter 3
~I want him so bad~
Sept 2
Dylan took me over to Bens and he was there with some other girl. Dylan stayed with the girl and Ben took me into his room to talk.
He wouldn’t even look at me. “It’s over, Candi.”
I started to cry. I tried not to and be strong but I couldn’t. I just love him and want him back.
He shook his head. “I’m a man and I have needs. I thought that you could satisfy me, but I don’t think you can.”
“I love you, Ben.”
“I love you too, but that’s not enough. I need a woman, not a child. I need real love.”
“I’ll do anything to keep you.”
“You’re just a tease, Candi.”
“No, I’m not. I swear I’m not.” I wanted to prove it to him. I undid his pants and started sucking on him.
He got big and hard. He liked it a lot. He smiled at me and said “That’s more like it lover.” Lover, he actually called me his lover. I know that he loves me and I just want to be with him, whatever it takes.
Then he laid back on the bed and smiled. “Jump on it.”
I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know how to jump on it. “Do you have a condom?”
He shook his head. “See that’s what I’m talking about. You ruin a special moment between us with trivial bullshit. You don’t love me or you’d show me that you really love me. Becca out there loves me and she has no problem showing me that she loves me.” He zipped up his pants. “You just don’t love me enough so I am done with you.”
I watched him stuff his junk back into his pants and then he left. He went out to Becca.
Dylan was at the door when I got out there. I was cr
ying so hard that I didn’t want to go out at all. By the time I got out to the living room Ben and Becca were already making out on the couch.
Ben looked over at me and smiled. “Becca loves me more than you ever did.”
She laughed at me and pulled him down on top of her.
I ran out the door crying. I hate crying. I just can’t stop crying. I love Ben. Why didn’t I just do it? I should have showed him that I loved him. He needed it, he needed to see how much I loved him. I love him more than that Becca bitch ever will. What am I supposed to do now? Can I still get him back? I want to get him back… I love him.
Sept 3
I didn’t go to school today. I told my mom that I had bad cramps and couldn’t go. She said that I could stay home and she went to work. Mom was going to take the day off work and stay home with me but she said that they needed the money. I didn’t really want her to stay home anyway. I know she would just try to talk to me all day. I don’t want to talk to her. I can’t tell her what’s going on with me and Ben. She would freak out. I’d be grounded for sure!
Dylan called me at lunch to make sure I was okay. I told him I was, but that I just couldn’t face Ben today. Dylan was really nice and told me that Ben didn’t deserve me. He asked if I wanted to hang out with him and Jess tonight. I don’t have anything else to do but sit around here and cry so I said yes.
Dylan picked me up at the corner. We went to his house. Jess was already there. She grabbed me a beer and sat down next to me on the couch. She put her arm around me and said it was gonna be okay. Jess was a good friend to me… so was Dylan. He was so sweet. I appreciate them.
They were Ben’s friends but they were still nice to me after all this. I guess they are my friends now too. Dylan even admitted that it wasn’t right what Ben was doing and how he was treating me. Dylan understood it, so why didn’t Ben see what he was doing?
Paige and Missy would be all high and mighty if I tried to talk to them about any of this. They would say, “I told you so.” I just don’t want to hear that shit right now. Dylan and Jess were like my only real friends now. They understand what I am going through. I’m glad that I have them to talk to…
Dylan grabbed his parents stash and rolled a big joint. I really wanted to get high and forget all about this week. Try to forget about Ben if I could. Dylan gave me a shotgun. I have never had one before. He put the lit end of the joint in his mouth and blew the smoke out backwards into my mouth. A lot of smoke came out. I took it all. I didn’t choke or gag this time. I’m sick of being a kid and playing it safe. I wanted to get really high and I did.
Jess went to pick up a pizza for us. Dylan stayed behind and rolled another joint. I didn’t care. I liked the way it made me feel. I felt free. I forgot about Ben and I laughed for the first time in days. Dylan gave me a shotgun again; a long deep one.
Then he told me to give it back to him. He put his lips right in front of mine and I blew the smoke back into his mouth. Then he kissed me. He caught me off guard and I didn’t expect it. But it was nice. It was soft and sweet like he understood that I needed kindness. He was a good kisser. But this was Jess’s boyfriend. I told him to wait. He said Jess doesn’t care and that they have an open relationship.
He was on top of me before I knew what was going on. I was so high that I felt like I couldn’t react to him or something. It felt so good. I just wanted someone to touch me and be kind to me. Dylan was kind to me. He is my friend. One of my only friends. He knows everything I am going through.
Right about then Jess came home and I tried to get up. I was afraid that she would get mad. But she didn’t. She came over and said, “Well, well, what’s going on here?” She said it with a smile and in a really sexy voice. She reached over and took a big hit off the joint and then she winked at me.
She whispered in my ear, “Just go with it,” and then she nibbled on my ear.
It tickled and made me laugh. She kissed me and grabbed my boob. I was confused but it all felt so good. I was so out of it.
Jess blew me another shotgun and Dylan was taking off his pants. I blew the smoke out of my mouth just in time to have Dylan’s junk forced into my mouth. He held my arms up above my head and forced his dick in my mouth. I was trying to tell him to stop but I couldn’t say a thing. He was gagging me and telling me how good I was and that he liked it.
Jess slid my pants off and touched me down there with her fingers. I couldn’t do anything. Dylan had my arms pined down and my mouth full of his dick.
I heard Jess say how wet I was and that I was sexy. Dylan pulled his dick out of my mouth and Jess started kissing me.
I lost track of time and didn’t know what was happening. She smiled at me and said that I was going to love it. Then before I knew what was happening Dylan shoved his dick inside me. It was really hard and it hurt.
He was still holding my arms up above my head and he started pumping it in me. I tried to say no, to get him to stop but I couldn’t. I was so high. It was like an out of body experience that I’ve read about.
My mind was saying, “No, STOP!“ But my mouth didn’t say a word. He was kissing me really deep with his tongue and slamming his dick in me. It started to feel really good.
Dylan was asking me if I liked it and I nodded. I did like it. It felt really good. Jess was naked and touching both of us and herself while we did it.
Oh my gosh I did it. It felt really good. I wanted Dylan to stop but I never stopped him and it felt so good. The things he did to me. I liked it.
I kind of felt like they forced me to do it, but I liked it so I must have wanted it. Maybe I gave him some sign or maybe I even said something to make him think I wanted it. I was so out of it, I don’t remember what I was saying or doing.
Dylan came inside of me. He screamed when he came. I don’t even know if he was wearing a condom. He made crazy faces and then he kissed me and told me that I was great. Jess smiled at me and said, “There, it’s done. That wasn’t so hard was it?”
No it wasn’t. Why did I make such a big deal out of it? We all put our clothes back on and I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror to see if I looked any different. I still looked like the same person, just maybe with more experience. It actually felt really nice. I did it. I was a woman now.
Afterwards we sat around, ate some pizza and watched TV. I started to feel queasy. The beer and pot was making me sick. I went to the bathroom and puked. I felt a little better after that. I asked Dylan to take me home.
When we got to the corner he kissed me and told me that I was the best he ever had. He smiled at me and said not to tell Jess, and then he winked at me. He really was sweet. Was I really good? Maybe I have some strange natural talent or something… or maybe Dylan was still high. Either way I’m glad that it’s over with. So now, it was no big deal. I could do it with Ben now right? I already did it once so what did it matter. I wanted to be with Ben not Dylan. Ben was the one I loved. Tomorrow I’m going to his house and show him how much I love him. I know that I can do this! I’m ready now…
Sept 4
Wow, what a day. I told my mom that I was going to the mall shopping with Paige. I walked over to Ben’s house instead. He was there, alone. It gave us time to talk, but I really didn’t want to talk. I wanted to show him that I was ready to prove my love for him. I told him that I loved him, and then I kissed him. He didn’t stop me. He kissed me back and that was my sign that he was coming back to me.
Then I gave him a long blow job; a good one. He really liked it. I took my time and tried to watch him and see what felt good. He said that I was gonna make him cum, but I didn’t want that to happen so I stopped.
Then I did it. I took off my clothes and jumped on him. He was surprised. I rode on top of him like I was riding a horse. He seemed to really like it.
See I told you Ben that I really did love you. He came inside me. I made him cum. I’m so proud of myself.
We laid there next to each other afterwards for a long time. I to
ld him that I was sorry I made him wait so long. He told me that it was cool and that I was worth the wait.
Then he rolled over on top of me and we did it again. Ben made love to me. He kissed me a lot and told me that it felt so good. It was good. It felt right with Ben. I loved him. It was like we were one person when we made love. Like our souls united in passion. I am so glad that I did this. I want to keep Ben so badly. I want to be with Ben FOREVER!
This is what it was supposed to be like… with someone you love. Dylan just got me over the first time, so that I could be with Ben and not lose him. I appreciate that.
Dylan was a nice guy but I’m not in love with him. I love Ben. Ben is the one for me and I just proved it to him. He loved it and so did I.
I like having sex. It really was no big deal. I just want Ben to know that I love him and I always will. He drove me home and let me out on the corner. He kissed me and told me that he’d see me at school Monday. He was back. I won back my Ben. I am sooo happy that I can’t stand it. I feel like I am floating on a cloud. I know that I am going to sleep good tonight.
I will be dreaming of sex with Ben… OMG>>> I had sex with BEN!!!!!!
It’s really true!
Sept 5
BORING family day. I just can’t wait til school tomorrow. When Ben and I are back together and everything makes sense again. I want to hold his hand and I want him to kiss me. I want to feel the butterflies when he kisses me. He makes me feel so special. I love him and he loves me. No one can understand what it feels like. This is real love.
Maybe someday soon we can get an apartment together and live together. That would be so cool. I can cook for him. We won’t have any parents telling us what to do. We can stay up all night and have sex if we want to. And I do want to. I know he wants it too. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. Gotta get my homework done and get my parents off my back.
Candi Page 3