by Sarah Morgan
The first time their intimacy had continued after sex.
Drugged with happiness, Selene smiled but didn’t say anything. She wondered if he even realised what he’d just done. If not, then she didn’t want to risk spoiling it by pointing it out.
He cared for her. She was sure of it.
It was true he hadn’t actually said that in as many words, but he’d shown it in a million ways. He’d come after her and rescued her from the island. Then, when she’d escaped from him, he’d made sure she was all right. He’d got her a job and had people watching her so that her father couldn’t get to her. And when she’d suggested they end their personal relationship and just focus on the business side of things he’d dismissed the idea instantly.
‘I think you might just have killed me,’ he murmured, turning his head to look at her.
His eyes were a dark, velvety black and she stared at him and felt something shift inside her.
‘I love you.’ She said it softly, without thinking, and immediately wanted to snatch the words back because he tensed for a second and then lifted his hand and stroked her hair gently.
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Even if I mean it?’
‘You don’t mean it. You just feel that way because I’m your first lover. And because you had five years to build me up as a hero in your head.’
‘That isn’t—’ She was going to say that wasn’t why she loved him, but she didn’t want to risk ruining the moment, so she simply smiled and closed her eyes, keeping her thoughts to herself. ‘Let’s go to sleep.’
But she was awake long after he was, staring into the darkness, telling herself that if she kept saying it maybe a time would come when he wanted to hear it. When he might even say it back.
* * *
After a blissful week at the spa on Santorini they flew back to Athens and Stefan was sucked back into work, spending long hours in the office and travelling while Selene focused all her attention on the launch of her business.
She missed the intimacy of their suite on Santorini, missed the time when they’d been able to focus only on each other. She wondered if he’d suggest going again, but he was buried under work and the next time she flew to one of his hotels she did it alone.
Of course ‘alone’ never really was alone, because if he couldn’t be with her himself then Stefan made sure Takis was with her. Her protection was something he wouldn’t delegate to anyone else and she was touched by the evidence of how much he cared for her. It was there in everything. From the way he held her, confided small details of his life growing up, and from the way he made love to her.
But he never said he loved her and had made it clear he didn’t want her to say it either.
Two weeks after they’d arrived back from Santorini they were both due to attend a charity ball and she dressed carefully, excited at the prospect of spending a whole evening with him even if it was in the company of other people.
‘I’ve missed you,’ she said cheerfully, taking his arm as they walked to the car.
‘I’ve been hideously busy.’
‘I know. I’ve been worried about you.’ She saw him frown briefly as he slid into the car after her.
‘Why would you be worried?’
‘Because you work too hard,’ she said softly. ‘Because I care about you.’
‘You don’t have to worry about me.’
‘Why not? Presumably you worry about me or you wouldn’t arrange for someone to be with me all the time—and not just someone: Takis. It’s all part of caring.’
His eyes were fixed straight ahead, his profile rigid and inflexible. ‘I put you in danger. It’s up to me to make sure you don’t suffer for that.’
‘That’s all it is? Guilt?’ Suddenly it upset her that he couldn’t at least admit to caring just a little bit. ‘You care about me, Stefan, I know you do.’
‘We’ve arrived.’ His tone cool, he unsnapped his seat belt and opened the door even though the car had barely come to a halt.
Exasperated, Selene started to speak, but he was already out of the car and standing on the red carpet waiting for her while the paparazzi crowded together to take photographs.
More photographs, she thought dully. More photographs of another fake life. Another evening where she had to pretend that what was on the surface reflected reality. Another evening of lies and never saying what she really felt. Fortunately this was her particular area of expertise, so she smiled dutifully, held his hand, posed for photographers, ate a reasonable quantity of her meal, listened attentively to speeches and did everything she was expected to do—just as she had for her father.
And all the time she felt numb inside.
‘Do you want to dance?’ Stefan rose to his feet and frowned when she didn’t respond. ‘Selene?’
She rose automatically. ‘Yes, of course.’
His eyes narrowed on her face but she ignored him and walked onto the dance floor, then stopped dead. ‘Actually, no.’
‘No?’ He drew her into his arms but she stayed rigid.
‘I can’t do this.’
‘I thought you’d enjoy it, but if you don’t want to dance you just have to say so.’
‘Not the dancing. All of it.’ She lifted her eyes to his. ‘I can’t be fake any more. I won’t live a false life. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember and it stops now. This is who I am. This is what I feel. I’m not going to hide any more.’
His expression was guarded. ‘Hide what?’
‘The way I feel about you.’ The look in his eyes should have silenced her instantly but she was beyond being silenced. ‘I tiptoed round a man for twenty-two years of my life, Stefan, watching every word I said, trying not to upset him. I won’t live like that again. I want to be able to express how I feel without worrying that I’m upsetting the person I’m with.’
His eyes darkened. ‘Are you suggesting I’d hurt you?’
His interpretation shocked her. ‘No, of course not. But the fact that you don’t want me to tell you how I feel is making me miserable.’
‘You’re miserable?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘Yes, I am. Because I love you and you don’t want to hear it. I have to bite my tongue and squash everything I’m feeling down inside and I hate that.’
He didn’t answer her. Just stared at her in silence while the couples around them moved slowly on the dance floor.
And suddenly she realised she’d done it again. She’d created something in her head out of nothing. When was she going to realise that just because she wanted something to happen it didn’t mean she could think it into happening?
She could want him to open up, but that didn’t mean he ever would.
And she could live with that or she could make a different choice.
A choice that didn’t need her to compromise everything that mattered to her.
Music flowed around her but all she was aware of was him and the huge pain pressing down on her chest. ‘I can’t do this...’ Her words were barely audible but clearly he heard her because his face seemed set in stone. ‘I can’t be with a man who is afraid to feel. And I can’t be with a man who doesn’t want to hear how I feel. I thought I could, but I can’t. I’m sorry.’ Mumbling the words, she pulled away from him. ‘I hope you find someone. I really do. I want that for you.’
Heart breaking, knowing she had to get away before she made a terrible fool of herself, she forged her way through the crowded dance floor, slipped through a side door into a carpeted corridor and walked slap into her father.
‘Hello, Selene.’
Her legs turned to water. Seeing him here was the last thing she’d expected. Since she’d been with Stefan she’d stopped looking over her shoulder. Behind her she could hear music from the dance floor, but this part of the corrido
r was empty and he was between her and the only exit. ‘I didn’t know you were here.’
‘So you’re still trying to make a fool of me?’
‘I’m not trying to make a fool of you. I’m just living my life.’
‘You came here in public with that man. He is setting you up in business. How do you think that looks to people? My biggest competitor sponsoring my daughter in her pathetic business venture.’
It was always about him, she thought dully. Always about his public image. Never about anyone else.
‘It has nothing to do with you and the only reason I had to ask him is because you wouldn’t help me. This is my business and it isn’t pathetic. It’s real. That’s why he’s helping me. He’s sees the potential.’
‘Potential?’
His laughter made Selene flinch.
This was what had drained her mother’s confidence. The consistent drip of derision that eroded like acid.
For the past month she’d lived in a protected bubble. She’d forgotten what it felt like to be put down all the time. She’d forgotten how it felt to watch every word she spoke and feel her way through every conversation. ‘He’s helping me because I have a really good business idea that is going to make him money.’
‘You’re still as naïve as ever. His only interest in you is as a weapon to strike me.’
‘Why do you always think everything is about you?’ The words flew from her mouth and she immediately clamped it shut, cursing herself for not thinking before she spoke. Once it had been second nature to do that but with Stefan she spoke freely about everything. Well, everything except one thing. The most important thing. And she couldn’t think about that now.
As always her father pounced on weakness. ‘Has he ever said he loves you?’
As always he picked the words designed to do maximum damage. To inflict maximum pain.
His timing was so perfect this time she even wondered if he’d somehow overheard their exchange on the dance floor. No. He couldn’t have done. If he’d been anywhere near the dance floor she would have seen him.
Or would she?
She’d been so wrapped up in her own misery she hadn’t been paying attention to anyone around her.
‘What Stefan says or doesn’t say to me is none of your business.’
‘In other words he hasn’t told you he loves you. And now you’re fooling yourself that he will say it given time.’
‘I won’t talk about this with you.’
‘He’s using you. And when he’s got what he wants he’ll dump you just as he’s dumped every woman before you. Women are a short-term distraction, nothing more.’
She had no intention of telling him she’d just ended it.
‘Don’t you even care?’ Horrified, she heard her voice crack. ‘You’re supposed to be my father. You’re supposed to love me and want me to be happy. Instead you only ever smile when my life is falling apart. It pleases you that I’m unhappy.’
‘If you’re unhappy then it’s your own fault.’ There was no sympathy in his face. ‘If you’d stayed at home with your family instead of destroying it, your life wouldn’t be falling apart.’
‘I did not destroy our family! You did that.’
‘You are a hopeless dreamer. You always have been. You’re a sitting duck for the first guy who comes along and shows you some attention.’
‘That is enough.’ A cold, hard voice came from behind her and Selene turned to see Stefan standing there in all his powerful fury, that angry gaze fixed on her father. ‘You don’t speak to her again—ever.’
‘And why would you care, Ziakas? You used her.’
‘No. It was you who used her. You used her to project the image of a happy family but you’ve never been a father to her. And I care because I love her and I won’t let you upset someone I love.’
Selene couldn’t breathe.
She’d wanted so badly to hear him say those words. Even though she knew he’d only said it to protect her from her father, she felt something twist inside her.
There was a long silence and then her father laughed. ‘You don’t believe in love any more than I do.’
‘Don’t bracket us together.’ Stefan’s voice was pure ice. ‘I am nothing like you.’ He took her hand, his touch firm and protective as he drew her against him. ‘Let’s go. There’s nothing for you here.’
* * *
Stefan steered her through the crowd and down into the gardens. She was pale and unresponsive, walking where he led her but not paying any attention. Only when he was sure they were in private did he stop walking and that was when he saw the tears.
Her face was streaked with them, her eyes filled with a misery so huge that it hurt him to look at it.
‘He’s not worth it.’ He cupped her face in his hands, desperate to wipe away those tears while everything inside him twisted and ached just to see her so unhappy. ‘He isn’t worth a single tear. Tell me you know that. Theé mou, I wish I’d punched him again just for having the nerve to approach you.’
‘He waited until I was alone.’
‘Like the coward he is.’ Seriously concerned, he gathered her close, hugged her tightly. ‘I had no idea he was even here or there is no way I would have let you walk away from me. Takis is here, but because you were with me—’
‘I can protect myself. I’ve done it my whole life.’
‘And the thought of you alone with him, growing up with him, horrifies me. I can’t bear to think of it.’
‘You grew up alone. That’s worse.’
‘No. It was easier. All I had to do was move forward. You had to escape before you could do that. Every time I think about how I messed that up I go cold.’
‘It was my fault for not telling you. Don’t let’s go over that again.’ She eased out of his grasp and brushed the heel of her hand over her cheeks. ‘Sorry for the crying. I know you hate it.’
‘Yes, I hate it—I hate seeing you unhappy. I never want to see you unhappy.’ He realised that he’d do anything, anything, to take those tears away.
‘Thank you for what you said in there. For standing up for me when he said all those awful things about you just being with me to get back at him.’
When he thought of the contempt in her father’s eyes he felt savage. Shocked by the extreme assault of emotion, he pushed aside his own feelings and concentrated on hers. ‘What he said wasn’t true. You do know that, don’t you? Tell me you’re not, even for a moment, thinking to yourself that he might have been right.’
‘I’m not thinking that. I know what we had was real.’
The fact that she put it in the past tense sent a flash of panic burning through him. ‘It is real.’
But she wasn’t listening. ‘He called my business pathetic.’
‘He will eat those words when he sees the success of your business, koukla mou. And he will see it.’
‘Thank you for believing in me. You’re the first person to ever do that. Even my mother didn’t think I could do it.’
‘But you believed in yourself. You came to me with your candles and your soap and the beautiful packaging you’d made yourself. You are so talented. Your business idea is clever and you work harder than anyone on my team. If you weren’t already making a success of being an entrepreneur, I’d employ you straight away.’
Her hand rested on his chest, as if she couldn’t quite bear to let him go. ‘But you probably wouldn’t have offered to help me if I hadn’t been who I was.’
‘I probably would.’ He gave a half-smile. ‘I’m a sucker for a woman dressed in a nun’s costume.’
There was no answering smile and he was shaken by how badly he missed that ready smile. He’d taken it for granted. She was always so bouncy and optimistic and yet now she just stood there, shivering like a wounded animal.
‘Selene—’
‘I should go. Someone might see me and take a photograph.’ Finally she smiled, but it was strained. ‘See? I’m learning. I don’t want my father knowing he made me cry. That’s one act I’m prepared to keep up until the day I die.’ She rubbed her hand over her face again. ‘It was kind of you to come to my defence. Kind of you to tell him our relationship meant something.’
‘It wasn’t kindness.’ He’d realised it the moment she’d walked away from him. ‘I do love you.’
‘Yes, I know.’ There was no pleasure in that statement. Her face didn’t light up. She just looked incredibly sad. ‘I know you do, Stefan. But you don’t want to. It scares you.’
‘Yes, it does.’ He didn’t deny it because he knew only honesty would save him now. ‘I didn’t want it to happen. I’ve done my best not to let it happen by picking women I couldn’t possibly fall in love with. I controlled that.’
‘I know that, too. I know you.’ She eased out of his arms. ‘I really do have to go. I don’t want anyone taking a photograph of me like this.’
‘I’ll take you home. Then we’ll fly to my villa.’ He saw her hesitate and then shake her head.
‘No, not this time. I’ll see you in the office on Monday. We have the ad agency pitch.’
‘I’m not talking about business. I’m talking about us.’ It was a word he’d never used before. ‘I’ve just told you that I love you.’
‘But you don’t want to. You don’t want to feel that way and I can’t be with a man who always holds part of himself back. Even though I understand all your reasons and I’m sympathetic, I want more. I know love makes a person vulnerable but I want a man who is prepared to risk everything because the love is more important than protecting himself. And I want him to value my love and allow me to express it.’
‘Selene—’
‘Please don’t follow me. Not this time. I’ll see you in the office on Monday.’ Mumbling the words, she hurried away from him, walking so fast she almost stumbled.
* * *
She applied layers of make-up, added blusher, but still she looked pale when she walked into the Ziakas building.