by Jess Dee
“It’s a little wet,” he said apologetically and shrugged. “Sorry.”
Amy was sure she’d have responded appropriately if she hadn’t been so busy confirming her erection suspicions. The man had the granddaddy of all hard-ons.
“Wet?” she muttered. Forget the towel. The wettest thing in the room right now was her. She wished she had a pair of super-industrial-strength panties, because the longer she stared at Daniel’s cock, the wetter she got.
Well, don’t stare, then.
Easy for you to say.
Lift your eyes upwards, to his face.
I swear, I’m trying. It’s just not working.
Daniel saved her from further self-debate. “I’ll be back in five, Morgan. Enjoy getting to know the towel.”
He turned around and sauntered off to his room, leaving the towel dangling uselessly in her hand.
—
It took longer than five minutes to get dressed. Daniel feared zipping up a pair of jeans in his state would maim him for life. He pulled on his clothes slowly, his lips twitching every time he pictured Amy’s stunned face. Yep. There was no doubt about it. His good pal was hot and horny and ready to jump him.
And he just walked away.
Had he completely lost his mind? No reasonable man could walk away from a woman who looked at him like that.
But then Daniel wasn’t exactly of sound mind. He hadn’t been since he went down on her. Got a taste of her sweet sex. One lick and his sanity was history. Fucking her was the only thing that would help him regain his common sense.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t fuck her yet. If he did, all his well-laid plans would be ruined.
She wasn’t ready. Not emotionally, anyway. When he did make love to Amy, he wanted her to wake up the next morning without one iota of regret. He wanted her to know it was the best step she could have taken. Yes, she might want to fuck him tonight, but by tomorrow morning she’d be appalled. She’d wake up comparing him to Simon and her father and every other man who had walked out of her life.
There was no question about it. She wasn’t ready, although ever so slowly, she was getting there—and he couldn’t deny he enjoyed tormenting her just a little in the process. His encounter with Lexi may have been unplanned, but it turned into a perfect excuse to torment Amy a little more, stir up her awareness of him.
He bent his knee back and forth a couple of times. A little tender perhaps, but nothing serious. Then he rolled his shoulders. After Amy’s massage and his bath, they should feel loose and relaxed. They didn’t. They were as tightly wound up as the rest of him. Lexi’s cricket bat might not have caused much damage, but the memory of Amy’s touch made him ache.
Damn. Lexi’s cricket bat. She’d attacked him with a frigging lethal weapon. Heck, she’d hit out with such force, he’d still be unconscious if the bat had met its target: the back of his head.
To say he’d been pissed off with his sister was an understatement, but Lexi had redeemed herself. She’d obviously done a great job on Amy. Her call must have been pretty convincing. Amy may have teased him, but she couldn’t hide the fear or the anxiety in her eyes. She’d been more than a little concerned about him.
He’d phone Lexi first thing in the morning to say thank you.
When at last he felt ready to do up his pants, he headed into the lounge and suppressed a smile when he saw the towel neatly folded on a chair. He’d toyed with her enough for now. For the rest of the night he’d keep their relationship platonic. He’d be so damn platonic he’d make a priest look like a porn star.
“Whatcha watching?”
“Not much. Just seeing what’s on.”
Was it his imagination or was she deliberately not looking at him? “Anything interesting?” He helped himself to some more food and sat next to her on the couch.
“Not really.” Definitely avoiding eye contact. There was that strained quality to her voice too.
“Want some sushi?”
“No, thanks. Had enough.” Did she squirm?
“So…” He was determined to get her to relax again. “How’s work going?” Her shoulders were so tight he could practically see knots forming.
“Not bad.” She studiously kept her eyes on the TV.
Getting her to relax was harder than he thought. Amy was embarrassed. A reddish blush stained her cheeks. “Been busy?”
For a couple of moments she looked indecisive. Her eyes darted to the front door and back as she gnawed on her lower lip. “Very. For some reason we’ve had a rush of new patients and there’s hardly been time to breathe.”
“Anything interesting?”
She took a deep breath and turned to face him. Resolve steeled her expression. She was going to play this cool. “One case. They’re not my patients, though. Maggie referred them to one of the other counselors. I’m just too busy.”
Daniel watched her play nervously with a lock of hair. She wound it around her finger, tugged it down and let it loose, then wound it around her finger again. “Tell me about them.”
“They’re a professional couple with an unusual request.”
“They want to get a child genetically cloned?”
“Not quite.” Amy laughed. It was a tense laugh, but a laugh nevertheless. “They want to have a baby but can’t do it alone.”
“Why not?”
“They’re both women.”
“That would make it a bit difficult,” Daniel agreed with a smile. “Have you had gay couples in before?”
“A few. They get a bit tricky because of the legal and social ramifications.”
“Like what?”
“Like who’ll carry the baby and what rights does the other partner have? Are they going to use a known or an anonymous sperm donor?” Her voice became animated, like it always did when she spoke about her work. “Will the donor take on any paternal duties? Is he HIV free? It can, and usually does, get rather complicated.”
“Isn’t there any way of simplifying it?”
“Well, they could do it themselves with a willing and known donor. Success rates are much lower though. Then there’s still all the parenting issues.”
“How will they decide?”
“Through a lot of counseling and information.”
“Wish you were seeing them?” Amy would have loved the challenge. She was that sort of person.
For the first time since he walked back into the room, she seemed to relax. “Yeah. It’s a little frustrating not being able to take on every case. The counselor they’re using is good and if there are any problems, she’ll ask for assistance.” She changed the subject. “What about you? Ready for tomorrow?”
“Sure am.” Although job offers had poured in after his exhibition, he rejected them all and took the last few weeks off. The shoot at POWS was gut-wrenching and he needed time out to regroup.
Tomorrow he was starting work again. A woman’s glossy had asked him to do a fashion shoot. He anticipated a week there would be a good entrance back into the field.
“I’ll miss the sleep-ins and surfing though, ’specially now that the weather’s a bit warmer. Did I tell you what the shoot is?” he asked. “It’s the Oz Designers’ Spring Collection. I’ll be completely in the know about the upcoming fashions. Ask me anything you want to know about dressing for sunshine.” He paused then said with authority, “I’ve been told orange is the new black.” He was told no such thing, but at least his comment had the desired effect. Amy laughed.
“What about skirt length?” she asked. “Mini, midi or long?”
He looked at her and shook his head. “Skirts are so last year, daahling. Anyone who’s anyone in the industry knows that. The best dressed people are wearing pants this spring.” He waited a second then added, “Orange pants.”
Amy snorted. “Lucky you’re filming the models and not dressing them.”
A couple of months ago she would have made some comment about undressing them as well. It was way too good an opportunity to miss. She would have pr
ocured great joy from taking the piss out of him. A couple of months ago she’d have been right. There would’ve been a lot of undressing of models going on.
But not anymore.
“How are you feeling? Has the time off work helped you?”
Daniel smiled to himself. She couldn’t hide that side of her—Amy the caregiver, the nurturer. No matter what he’d put her through, she still worried about him and the effect being at the hospital had on him.
If it were anyone else, he would have brushed off the question and changed the topic. “A little,” he answered honestly. “For a while there, I couldn’t distance myself from some of the kids. I identified too strongly with them. It hurt.” It still did. His stomach twisted every time he thought of the ward.
“I guess whenever you were in a room with one of them you relived the times you sat with your sister while she was sick.” Her voice was gentle, yet probing.
“I did. Especially with Vicky. She reminded me so much of Sarah.”
“How?” Her eyes remained trained on his face.
“Her attitude to her illness. She was so positive the whole time. She knows there’s a chance she could—” his voice cracked and he swallowed, “—she could die. Yet she was so brave and so funny. She never gave up hope, even when she was so sick she couldn’t talk without throwing up.” A muscle twitched in his jaw.
“She has a younger brother, Theodore. She worries about him and what he’s going through. Every time she mentioned him, I thought about Sarah. Sarah always asked how Lex and I were doing. She worried about us even though she was the one going through the treatment.” He closed his eyes and shook his head as painful memories poured through. “I thought about the days when she felt so bad she didn’t even want to see us. And—” he paused and frowned, “—and then I remembered how rejected I felt. Christ, how selfish is that? Sarah was sick and I sat there feeling rejected?”
“Oh Danny.” Amy grabbed his hand. “You were a child. A scared, anxious child.”
“I was a demanding brat. I insisted my parents pay us as much attention as they gave Sarah and then got pissed off when they didn’t. I didn’t understand at the time that they couldn’t.” Hell, he hadn’t expected to reveal any of this. Yet the need to get it all off his chest was overwhelming. He had to talk to someone and who better than Amy?
“You were twelve.” Her voice was so soft, so understanding. “How could you possibly appreciate all the dynamics that were going on? All you knew was that your sister was sick and your parents were focused more on her than on either you or Lexi. Add to that your own feelings about Sarah’s illness. It’s a lot for a boy to cope with.”
“Sometimes,” Daniel admitted, surprised by his own candidness, “I didn’t try to cope with it at all. I just pretended nothing was wrong. I’d go to school and live this fantasy where everyone was healthy. The days were much easier that way. I even remembered how to laugh again. Then I’d get home and find Mum crying, or my aunt waiting to watch us while my parents were at the hospital, and just as quickly I remembered there was nothing normal about our family after all.”
“I bet that made you feel guilty, trying to live a normal life when Sarah’s life was anything but.”
Daniel was stunned. That’s exactly how he felt. Guilty. He just hadn’t understood it then. He’d berate himself over his audacity to be happy. Then fly into a rage because he didn’t know how to deal with his self-recriminations. “I wasn’t an easy child to live with during that time.”
“Oh, Danny.” She squeezed his hand. “You were trying to be normal, to find some sanity in an abnormal situation. That’s human nature. It’s called self-preservation. It would have been far more worrying if you hadn’t tried to make the best of the situation.”
He smiled at her. “Both Sarah and Vicky said the same thing. No matter how bad it got, they had to make the best of a bad situation.” It was only when Vicky had said it to him that he realized she was right. It was then he resolved to make the most of his situation with Amy.
“Wise words from wise children,” Amy said. “How are you feeling, now that you’ve had time to put a little space between yourself and the hospital?”
“A little more resolved, I guess. Kids do get sick and some don’t survive. Hell, I don’t like it, but I’ve learned to accept it.”
She was silent for a while. He could practically see the cogs turning in her mind before she asked quietly, “What if Vicky died? How would you feel then?”
Shit, that is a tough one. How would he feel? “Devastated,” he said at last. “But at least I’d be able to distance myself from her death. Before my stint at the ward, I wouldn’t have been able to separate my feelings for her from my feelings for Sarah. Now I can.”
Amy shifted so her whole body faced him. She pulled her knees up onto the couch, pressing against his thigh. Her entire focus was on the conversation and she seemed unaware that she was touching him. Although he was conscious of it, this time the contact was not arousing. It was comforting.
“Your fear of losing Sarah must have been overwhelming.”
“It was. For a long time I’d forgotten that. The elation that came with her remission buried my fears. It was so much easier to focus on the happy than the sad, so I didn’t try to remember what might have happened.”
“That’s pretty much how you live your life now, isn’t it? Focusing on the happy, not the sad. That’s why you always look at the positive side of life.”
Daniel nodded. “I guess so.”
“But you weren’t left completely unscathed were you?”
“What are you talking about?”
Amy gnawed on her lower lip and held his hand in both of hers. “I think your fear of Sarah’s possible death scarred you in another aspect of your life.”
He shook his head, unsure of what she was getting at.
“I think,” she said gently, “your fear of losing Sarah has translated into your relationships with women. Your reluctance to commit to anyone—to get involved in a serious relationship—stems from your fear of losing someone special in your life.”
Daniel digested her words in silence.
“The fact that Sarah survived gave you the courage to be with a woman. But the knowledge that someone so close to you almost died made you scared another person you care deeply about might die. It’s easier not to care at all. To cut your relationships off before they become meaningful.”
His natural instinct was to deny it. No. I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with another woman because I’m in love with you. But after letting the idea sink in, he decided that maybe she wasn’t so far off course. He hadn’t committed to a long-term relationship, ever. Not even with Amy. He’d never even tried to get involved with her until now. The shoot had changed him. He was finally ready to take that step.
He was startled at her insightfulness. “You know what, Morgan? It never occurred to me my fear of Sarah dying may have affected me in other ways.” He wanted to tell her he was ready for a commitment, as long as it was with her. But she wasn’t ready to hear it. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
He paused, choosing his words carefully. “It’s only fair to give you something to think about as well.”
She looked startled and tried to let go of his hand. Not ready to break contact yet, he held tight.
“I’ll make you a deal, Morgan. I promise to look at my fear of commitment in a different light…”
“If…?”
He waited a heartbeat and looked her in the eyes as he said, “If you try to look at me in a different light.”
Chapter Nine
It wasn’t her usual practice to visit clients in hospital, but for Mary Stevens she made an exception. The woman had been a patient at the clinic for over five years and Amy knew her well. Knew the incredible lengths Mary had gone to in order to fall pregnant and then the heartbreaking agony she experienced with each failed attempt. She therefore had a pretty good idea how Mary felt after the bi
rth of her very healthy baby boy. For this one time, it was appropriate to visit the hospital.
Besides, it would do her the world of good to move away from the chaos of her disordered thoughts about Daniel to the chaos of the maternity ward, where Mary lay, happy, content and tired.
Amy was just plain tired. Tired of wondering what the hell to do about Daniel. Of dreaming and fantasizing about him. Of wanting him and not wanting to want him. What a messed up, bitch of a situation. She wished they could go back to what they were before. Friends. Just plain old friends.
She wasn’t particularly thrilled by his request that she look at him in a different light. She’d been doing her best to switch that damn light off. There were suddenly too many unexpected dynamics happening in their friendship. Too many physical interactions. Whenever they touched of late, no matter how meaningless the gesture, sparks flared between them. The usual jokes and teasing were now supercharged with sexual tension. The very air between them seemed to shimmer with unspoken lust and desire.
Lust and desire did not fare well with platonic friendship. Perhaps if Daniel had mentioned a shift in his emotions, or made her feel she was somehow different from the women he usually dated, she would be less reluctant to become involved with him. But truthfully, she did not believe he could separate her from his long string of lovers.
She couldn’t help but remember his words on the Coogee promenade, when she’d tried to rationalize away their behavior at his exhibition. Couldn’t forget the laughter in his eyes, or the impish grin that teased her as he’d asked, Are you saying you want a long-term commitment from me? As if the very idea were hilarious.
It was. To Daniel. He was incapable of commitment. There was no doubt in her mind that if they became lovers, even their friendship would not be enough to keep him by her side. He would eventually leave her like he left the rest.
Was she willing to take the risk? No way.
It’s what made her situation so unbearable. While she wasn’t prepared to become his lover, fucking him was practically the only thing she thought about. Night after night, awake or asleep, she’d lie in bed dreaming about him. Images of him consumed her. Dressed, naked, just wearing a towel, kissing her mouth, kissing her breasts, kissing her intimately. Making love to her.