by Greg Trine
Well, actually it was more like “Can’t … aack … move … aack … get … aack … me …” You get the idea.
“Carl’s monster choke hold!” Candace said. She zoomed back and forth between the tall buildings of downtown, searching. Then she heard it again.
“Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here.”
Only this time it was “Aack … aack … aack … aack …”
And then she saw them, behind City Hall. Carl had Melvin in the hold, and Melvin was helpless. Candace dropped from the sky, being careful to keep her distance from the bologna. “Stop, in the name of the law!”
Melvin squeaked, “You mean, ‘Not so fast.”’ This was part of the Superhero’s Code, of course, and Melvin always tried to teach Candace the code, even when he was having the life choked out of him.
“Whatever.” Candace placed the CD player on the ground and pressed play. Nothing happened. Holy no batteries! she thought.
Holy no batteries, indeed! Better think of something quick, Candace. Your partner in uncrime is turning blue.
Carl squeezed harder. Melvin gasped.
“Think,” Candace said to herself. “Think.” Then it came to her. The code. Of course, the Country Singer’s Code.
Sing about your farm.
Sing about your truck.
When all else fails, sing about your dog.
All else had failed. Melvin was at the mercy of Carl. Only Candace could save him now. She opened her mouth and began to sing, “I am a dog of constant sorrow …”
She sang and sang.
“I eat kibble all my days …”
“Holy lousy lyrics,” said Carl. He still held on to Melvin, but his grip was starting to weaken.
“Holy lousy lyrics, indeed!” gasped Melvin as color returned to his face. “Keep singing, Candace!”
Candace did. She sang on and on.
“I sure hate that kibble. Throw me a burger and let me graze.” She added some twang to her voice and every once in a while a y’all and yee-ha. Y’all and yee-ha were not part of the Country Singer’s Code as far as she knew, but she had to extend the song for Melvin’s sake.
Carl let go of Melvin’s throat and staggered. He grabbed onto the building to keep from falling.
“Keep singing,” yelled Melvin.
Candace sang and sang, all about the constant sorrow of losing her dog Smed. And the more she kept it up, the weaker Carl became. Then, without even thinking about it, she tossed in yeah and baby a few times. She was combining the Country Singer’s Code with the Rock and Roller’s Code. But it was working anyway.
Carl fell to his knees, gasping, “Can’t … move … get … me … out … of … here.”
Melvin grabbed the bologna from his cape and tossed it as far as his weak arms would allow. Then he removed Carl’s cape and tossed that aside. Once he’d regained his strength, he grabbed Carl and carried him over to Candace.
“You saved my life, Candace,” Melvin said. “How can I ever thank you?”
“Hey, you’re my partner in uncrime. You’d do the same for me.”
Melvin knew what the proper response was according to the Superhero’ Code, but he liked Candace’s reply better. They were teammates, partners in uncrime, and once again Los Angeles was a better place because of them.
They slapped a high-five. “Let’s put this guy where he belongs,” Melvin said.
Carl gritted his teeth. “I hate your guts, Melvin Beederman. And your little pal, too.”
“Save it for the judge,” Melvin told him.
20
THE JUDGE THROWS THE BOOK AT CARL
Carl ducked, and the book hit a lawyer. “Ouch!” said the lawyer. It was a pretty big book.
“I sentence you to one year of service on the Good Ship Lollipop,” the judge said. Since Carl was only a kid, he couldn’t go to jail. But to be a bad guy on a ship called Lollipop was even worse.
“No, no, anything but that,” yelled Carl. “I beg you, put me on a chain gang somewhere. Send me to prison.”
“One year washing dishes on the Good Ship Lollipop,” the judge said. He was a pretty strict judge, and he liked Candace and Melvin. “No one messes with our superheroes.”
So Carl was sent away to begin his one-year sentence, and life in Los Angeles returned to normal. Our two partners in uncrime went back to doing what they did best—working math problems and catching bad guys.
“Up, up, and away,” Melvin said, the next day at the library.
Crash!
Splat!
Thud!
Kabonk!
“Some things never change,” Candace said as they streaked across the sky.
Melvin looked down and saw the people of Los Angeles in their underwear. “I know what you mean.” But for now he didn’t care. He was just glad that he and Candace were still a team, and that he wouldn’t have to worry about Carl for a very long time.
Meanwhile … in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, Carl was in his room on the Good Ship Lollipop. He had just finished the evening dishes, and now he was alone without even a laptop computer to send Melvin a nasty e-mail. He looked through his porthole window. “I have to get out of here,” he said to himself. But how? There was nothing but water as far as the eye could see.
There had to be a way to escape. He began looking through the things in his sea chest. And then he saw it. Of course! The inflatable lair! Things that inflate also float. Carl waited until three in the morning, when all was quiet, then he hauled his lair up on deck. He pulled the self-inflating device, pushed the lair over the side, and jumped on.
“No more washing dishes for me,” he said with a fiendish laugh. “Look out, Melvin Beederman. I’m going to get you, if it’s the last thing I do!”
Carl floated away to freedom. He was in the middle of nowhere, which, as everyone knows, is right next to somewhere. And this gave him all the time in the world to come up with devious and sinister plans to get back at Melvin Beederman and his partner in uncrime. Someday he would be back. He was sure of it.
“Someday I’ll be back,” he said. “I’m sure of it.”
He had no idea he wasn’t supposed to repeat what the narrator says, but, hey, what do you expect from a bad guy?
BOOK I: THE CURSE OF THE BOLOGNA SANDWICH
In which superhero Melvin Beederman and third-grader Candace Brinkwater team up to stop bad guys in Los Angeles.
BOOK 2: THE REVENGE OF THE McNASTY BROTHERS
In which the McNasty Brothers escape from prison to get revenge on Melvin and his partner in uncrime, Candace.
BOOK 3: THE GRATEFUL FRED
In which Melvin and Candace must find who is out to get rock star Fred of The Grateful Fred.
BOOK 4: TERROR IN TIGHTS
In which a mysterious e-mailing enemy nearly dooms Melvin and Candace, those partners in uncrime.
Coming Soon:
BOOK 5: THE FAKE CAPE CAPER
In which Melvin heads to Las Vegas for the Superhero Convention, leaving Candace in charge of Los Angeles.
DOG OF CONSTANT SORROW
LYRICS BY CANDACE BRlNKWATER
(to the tune of “I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow,” a traditional bluegrass song)
I am a dog of constant sorrow,
I eat kibble all my days.
I sure hate that stinkin’ kibble.
Throw me a burger and let me graze,
Throw me that burger, let me graze.
I love to chase that nervous mailman.
He doesn’t like it, but that is tough.
I chew on shoes and dig up bones.
Oh, I just can’t get enough.
Those yummy bones, can’t get enough.
I like to scratch and pee on hydrants,
That is what I always do.
But the most fun that I have ever found
Is chasing cars and sniffing poo.
Yup, chasing cars and sniffing poo.
But these cars speed by so doggone fast,
They ran me over and I went splat.
I went splat, like Melvin Beederman,
But I am dead now and that is that.
I sure am dead, and that is that.
Now up in this ol’ doggy heaven
Now up in this ol’ doggy heaven
I thought I’d dine on juicy steak.
But all they have is stinkin’ kibble,
What constant sorrow and heartbreak!
Yup, constant sorrow and heartbreak.
WHO IS CARL?
Like all students at the Superhero Academy, Carl was an orphan. His parents were killed by an evil wizard, who then turned his wrath on Carl and—
Oops! Wrong story!
Carl lived with his father who was an auto mechanic. One day the Buick his father was working on fell off the jack and crushed him. Poor Carl wasn’t able to save his father that day, but he has been bench-pressing Buicks ever since. He was sent to an orphanage, across town from where Melvin had been placed. The two boys met for the first time at the all-city kickball championships for orphaned children. And the rivalry began.
How can a kid with goofy hair run so fast? thought Carl.
Carl was later sent to the Superhero Academy, where he excelled in train-stopping, flying, and computer skills. The rivalry between him and Melvin continues to this day. He wants to get Melvin if it’s the last thing he does.
SKETCHBOOK OF TERROR
And now, a superheroic excerpt from
THE FAKE CAPE CAPER
Superhero Melvin Beederman was sitting on top of City Hall, taking a break. It had been a busy morning of catching bad guys, sinister sleazeballs, and devious dudes … not to mention devious dames. Twelve drug dealers, seven car thieves, two bank robbers, and one guy who was just thinking about taking over the world. He had that I’m-thinking-of-taking-over-the-world look on his face. Melvin had seen that expression before, and he decided to put a stop to it before it got out of hand.
But now it was break time, or rather, lunch time, and Melvin sat eating pretzels and drinking root beer on top of one of the tallest buildings in Los Angeles. This is my town, he said to himself as he looked around. It was. Melvin was the superhero in charge of L.A. Along with his sidekick Candace Brinkwater, he kept the peace and lunched on top of tall buildings as often as possible.
Suddenly one of the pretzels started ringing.
Melvin jumped. “Holy high-tech snack food. I forgot all about my pretzel phone.”
Holy high-tech snack food indeed! He had forgotten.
Melvin had purchased the pretzel phone at Sneaky Sam’s Gadgets for Good Guys. As everyone knows, Sneaky Sam provided crime-fighting tools to California’s secret agents and superheroes since 1942.
The pretzel phone rang again and Melvin answered it. “Hello, Melvin Beederman here.”
“Melvin! This is Superhero James.”
“James!” Melvin was so excited he almost fell off the building. Almost. James had been one of Melvin’s best friends back at the Superhero Academy. “What’s up? Catch any bad guys lately?”
“More than I can count.”
“I know what you mean,” Melvin said, although he always counted them.
“Listen, Melvin, I called to see if you are going to the Superhero Convention in Las Vegas.”
“Superhero Convention? What about my day job? I’m in charge of Los Angeles, you know.” Melvin took saving the world seriously.
“Put your sidekick in charge for a few days,” James suggested. “That’s what Margaret and I are doing.”
Superhero Margaret was Melvin’s other best friend from the Superhero Academy. Melvin hadn’t seen either of them in months. Going to Las Vegas sounded great. That Superhero Convention sounded even better. And seeing his two best friends in the whole world sounded best of all.
“What do you say, Melvin buddy?”
Melvin wasn’t sure if his sidekick, Candace Brinkwater, could handle the job. After all, she had not graduated from the academy. She was just the girl with whom he had decided to divide his cape, and this was all because of a mistake made at the dry cleaners. Could she handle Los Angeles all by herself? It was hard to say. What if Max the Wonder Thug went on a crime spree? Or Calamity Wayne, for that matter?
Still, he really wanted to see James and Margaret.
Melvin decided to go for it and hope for the best. “I’ll be there,” he said. “When is it?”
“It starts tomorrow and lasts all week. Didn’t you get a flyer in the mail?”
“I live in a tree house, James. I don’t exactly have an address.”
This was true. Melvin lived in a tree house overlooking the city. From there he could spot crimes before they happened and occasionally catch guys who were just thinking about doing devious or sinister deeds—like taking over the world.
“See you in Vegas,” James said.
“Yeah, see you there.” Melvin hung up the pretzel. He was still hungry and had a sudden urge to eat his phone. Instead he put it in his pocket so he wouldn’t be tempted.
Henry Holt® is a registered trademark of Henry Holt and Company, LLC. Text copyright © 2007 by Greg Trine Illustrations copyright © 2007 by Rhode Montijo All rights reserved. Distributed in Canada by H. B. Fenn and Company Ltd.
Henry Holt and Company, LLC
Publishers since 1866
175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010
www.henryholtchildrensbooks.com
Book designed by Laurent Linn
eISBN 9781429937085
First eBook Edition : November 2011
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Trine, Greg.
Terror in Tights / Greg Trine; art by Rhode Montijo.—1st ed. p. cm.—(Melvin Beederman, superhero)
Summary: When Los Angeles superhero Melvin Beederman starts receiving mysterious, threatening e-mails, he and Candace, his partner in uncrime, must figure out who is out to get him and then do something about it.
ISBN-13: 978-0-8050-7923-4 / ISBN-10: 0-8050-7923-8 (hardcover)
13579 9 10 8 6 4 2
ISBN-13: 978-0-8050-7924-1 / ISBN-10: 0-8050-7924-6 (paperback)
3579 9 10 8 6 4 2
[1. Heroes—Fiction. 2. Los Angeles (Calif.)—Fiction. 3. Humorous stories.]
I. Montijo, Rhode, ill. II. Title.
PZ7.T7356Do 2007 [Fic]—dc22 2006017718
First Edition—2007
Hand-lettering by David Gatti