by S Doyle
He didn’t really have to stick it out. He could have bailed. I would have done what I had to do to make sure he got his money.
But he didn’t leave, and I didn’t think too hard about another solution other than trying to ask the bank for more money.
Financially, we had a decent year, this year. Obviously significantly down from the year before, but given the losses we suffered we did the best we could. Would the bank possibly look at me differently now with nearly a year of ranching under my belt?
It was worth a shot.
I would start looking into things tomorrow.
I made sure the ringer on my phone was on and crawled into bed. I tried very hard not to remember what my dad used this cabin for, instead I focused on ideas on how to fix the problem that was my life.
Because no matter what I had to do, no matter how I needed to make it happen, I needed to give Jake his freedom back.
So that he wouldn’t hate me anymore.
“God,” I prayed. “Please don’t let him really hate me. He’s the only person I have left.”
I opened the door to Howard’s office in town and Sue Ann looked up and gave me a big smile.
“Ellie. Good to see you.”
“You too. I don’t suppose there is any chance Howard has a few minutes for me?”
“You are in luck. His next appointment just canceled. If you give me a second I’ll let him know you’re here.”
“Great,” I said as she got up and walked down the short hall to Howard’s office.
I didn’t feel great. In fact I felt a little sick. This was the first step.
The first step away from Jake. It was like everything in my body was screaming don’t do this.
Carol was a fling. He’d said it himself. She wasn’t planning on sticking around. Maybe someday, in the future Jake would grow to love me and then everything would be fine.
That shit happened all the time in romance novels. Couple had to get married for convenience… and then bang! Next thing you know, they were making babies.
Only that was fiction and this was real life, and I couldn’t screw Jake over in case he never did come to love me. Even if Carol wasn’t the one, I didn’t want to stand around and watch him fall in love with someone else.
It was bad enough I had to see him…
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.
“Ellie! What a surprise.”
I smiled. It had been a while since I had seen Howard. Just a few times over the summer when Jake and I ran into him at the diner.
I walked up and kissed his cheek. I’m not sure why. I wasn’t a cheek kisser in general, but suddenly it felt really really good to see him. He’d been the orchestrator behind the wedding, and I knew he was the one who could get me out.
Even though I didn’t really want out. I wasn’t doing this for me, though. This was for Jake. The sacrifice I could make for him this time.
He smiled but he tilted his head, and I could tell he was assessing me.
I couldn’t have looked good. A solid few hours of crying yesterday and barely any sleep last night. I imagined I looked pretty gross.
Dad’s cabin didn’t have mirrors, so I didn’t have to confront myself this morning.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes, but I have a problem and I was hoping you could help.”
He nodded. “Okay. Follow me.”
We walked back down the short hallway and a few seconds later I was sitting in front of his desk. I caught myself wringing my hands.
Cheek kissing and hand wringing. He had to know something was up.
“What do you need, Ellie?”
Don’t say it. Don’t do it. You’re going to ruin everything and there will never be anyone as amazing as Jake Talley in your life again.
I took a deep breath and grabbed onto my courage.
“I need to divorce Jake. Now. I need money to do that and I was hoping you could help with that.”
Howard actually looked sad. “I’m sorry to hear that. We all knew after the storm what the situation was. For Jake too, given his house was all but gone. Are you two not getting along? You always seemed so easy with each other.”
I hate you for that, Ellie. Can you hear me through your locked door? I hate you for that!
“We’re okay. It’s just that I can’t let him do this for another two and a half years. It isn’t fair to him. He deserves to have his life back. His freedom. Now that I’m legal, there is no reason not to do this.”
“Other than money.”
“Yes.”
“Are you asking me for a loan?”
I blinked. “Oh gosh no. Nothing like that. I was thinking about the trust Dad set up for me. I know you said I couldn’t have access to it until I was twenty-one, but I’m wondering if there isn’t some legal way around that. Some kind of catastrophic clause or something I could use to get the money sooner rather than later.”
He seemed to consider that. “I’m not sure I saw any language like that when I was looking over the documents, but how about this? I promise to take another look.”
I smiled. “Thank you. I knew you would help.”
“I have to say… well, maybe I’m an old romantic at heart, but I kind of always hoped you and Jake would just stay together. You may not realize it, but from the outside looking in, you two look like… I guess you look like a family.”
That was the way I wanted it to stay. With Jake thinking of me like family. Not resenting me and hating me.
I nodded. “I hope that doesn’t change. Thanks again, Howard.”
I left with this odd mix of feelings. As if I couldn’t tell if I had done the best thing ever or the worst thing.
I was back in the cabin and starting to fill up the wood-burning stove. Lighting this thing was always a bitch. Finally a log caught a good burn, and I shut the door on it with the heat glove.
The cabin wasn’t much. One large room with a bathroom. It had a couch, a chair, a bed, and the stove.
I lay back on the bed and wondered what my dad used to think about when he came here alone. Sure it had been his little tryst nest with Mrs. Nash for a while, but before that I think he was telling the truth.
Sometimes a man needs a little space and time to think.
Which now that I thought about it was really sexist. Only men need space and thinking time?
My phone beeped and I reached for it.
Jake.
Hey, just checking in.
Of course he was. Because that’s what Jake did.
I’m fine. I wasn’t. I was the opposite of fine but none of that was his fault.
Figured out where u were. The cabin.
It wasn’t the hardest mystery to solve. He must have noticed all my work had been done. I had even taken Petunia out for a long ride. He would have been in and out of the barn so he might have seen her missing. Would have known I was close.
Like father like daughter I guess. Needed some space to think.
Warm enough?
Yes.
…
…
Either he was writing something really long, or he was doing a lot of stopping and starting. My guess was the latter.
Do u believe me? That Carol came over in the morning?
I closed my eyes but it didn’t remove the image of him shirtless between her legs.
Still, I knew Jake. Inside out. Upside down. He wouldn’t lie to cover his own ass.
Yes
…
…
…
Poor Jake. This really wasn’t his strong point. I knew he thought I was mad at him, and he hated the idea of anyone ever being mad at him. Couldn’t stand it. I was about to let him off the hook. Tell him I would be back tomorrow and everything was fine. But I suppose I wanted to know what he was trying to say first.
Finally the words popped up.
I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it.
I could feel my chin starting to wobble again and
my eyes well up. Crying really was so ugly.
Please tell me u believe that too.
I set the phone down. That was the problem. I didn’t. In that moment I knew he meant every word. I couldn’t tell him that though, it would only make him feel worse. But I couldn’t lie to him either.
I picked up the phone and typed.
It’s okay, Jake. I’m going to fix this.
What does that mean?
Trust me.
Ellie, please tell me what u mean.
I couldn’t right now. Because there was no plan. I didn’t want him to get his hopes up only to find out there was no way to get my hands on the money early. If I told him about the nuclear option, I knew he would go ballistic.
I need time. That’s all. Did you make yourself something to eat?
If I wasn’t around, he rarely bothered to cook for himself. Which meant he’d work a full physical day and make do with sandwiches.
Sandwiches.
That’s not enough.
Not hungry.
Right. Because he felt bad. Over me.
I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ll shop and cook.
…
…
…
He was struggling again.
Okay
Okay. It was strange, but the simple word made me feel better. Like we were actually going to be okay.
I didn’t type anything after that. Just set the phone aside and thought about what I was going to make tomorrow for dinner. Simple. Routine.
It helped.
Eleven
Jake
October (Or as I liked to refer to it, the suckiest month ever.)
I stared down at the phone and waited. No more dots. She was done talking. That was okay. Because she had answered and she had seemed… normal. Yes, I wanted to know what she meant by fixing this. There wasn’t anything to fix. What happened, happened and there was no changing the past.
No, that wasn’t entirely true. There was one thing I had to fix.
Carol.
I had been thinking about it and thinking about it and truth was I didn’t know if I was really that into her. It felt more like I was going through the motions to prove something to myself. Or worse, I was using her as a distraction from Ellie.
That wasn’t fair to Carol.
It certainly wasn’t fair to Ellie. Because I had seen the look on Ellie’s face when she found us. I knew the level of pain I had inflicted on her. That I had been inflicting on her since I started seeing Carol.
I looked at my phone again. It was just after eight. Plenty of time to drive into town and do what I had to do and get home.
I typed in Carol’s name.
Hey, can I come see u so we can talk?
A few seconds later she responded.
Yes. We should definitely talk.
She gave me her address, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. I knew she lived close to town so I headed out, figuring as I got closer I would worry about getting to her actual home.
It wasn’t until I was pulling up to the house that it dawned on me where I was.
This was the MacPherson place.
I got out of my truck, and to be certain checked the address against the number on the house. It was the same.
I rang the doorbell and she opened the door with a wide smile.
“Hey. This is perfect timing,” she said as she reached out with her hand to pull me inside. “The family is out so we’ve got the place to ourselves.”
“You’re related to the MacPhersons?”
She kept pulling on my arm as if she wanted to lead me to the living room, but I planted myself in the middle of the foyer.
“Yep. Sally is my mom’s sister. That’s who I’m here for. She’s having a rough time with the divorce. Remember? I told you.”
“You told me you were helping out your aunt for a while. I didn’t know that was Sally MacPherson.”
She looked puzzled.
“Does that matter?”
“I guess not.”
She smiled again. “You wanted to talk? Is this about the other morning?”
“Yes.”
How did I explain any of this?
“You said it was okay for you to be dating,” Carol said. “I’m not sure Ellie thinks the same thing.”
“No. She understands why I’m doing it. She just didn’t… It’s her house. She thought you had spent the night.”
Carol nodded. “So if we were going to move things forward… then we should do that here? Like if we wanted to pick up where we left off…”
She moved toward me, but I took a step back. I didn’t want to think about yesterday morning. That was not a pleasant memory.
I must have communicated my resistance to the idea and her smile faded. “Okay, Jake. What’s the deal? What are we really doing here? I thought you said you weren’t a tease.”
“I told you I wanted to talk,” I said.
“Yeah, well I want to fuck,” she replied, clearly exasperated.
The word dropped like a brick in the room. Up until then she’d come off as this nice, sweet woman. Her agenda had been hidden behind hand touches, smiles and flirtatious innuendo. Now there was something ugly in her tone.
“You sort of made that clear from the start. Is that why you came out to the ranch in the first place? Were you looking for some…action?”
Something wasn’t sitting right with me. I remembered Ellie saying something about Carol being pretty ballsy to flirt so openly with me right out of the gate. Without even knowing about my situation other than from what she’d heard.
“No. I came because Don told me about your insemination program. Then Bobby told me what the deal was between you and Ellie.”
“Bobby.” Right. Her cousin.
“Yes. He said you two were married, but it was in name only. He thought you might be my type, and he was right. Because you are my type, Jake.”
She was flirting again.
Bobby told her my marriage to Ellie wasn’t real. Bobby told his cousin I was her type.
Bobby. Who had a thing for Ellie.
“I told you,” she continued. “It’s been like forever for me. I liked you, I thought you liked me. It’s just sex, Jake. Married, not married. What’s the difference?”
What’s the difference? The difference was Ellie.
“Is this because Ellie got so freaked out? She’s obviously into you. You broke her poor baby heart. That sucks for her, but if you’re not into her, then oh well. Her loss.”
I broke Ellie’s heart. For this.
“I came over to say I don’t think it’s a good idea we see each other any longer.”
Her jaw dropped. “Are you serious? You’re telling me after the other morning you don’t want to fuck me?”
“Yes. I am very certain I don’t want to fuck you. Goodnight, Carol.”
“Asshole!”
“Not the first time I’ve been called that. Good luck with your next conquest.”
I shut the door behind me and dropped my head.
I hurt Ellie. I broke Ellie’s heart. I told Ellie I hated her.
I did all that because Bobby MacPherson thought I would be his cousin’s type.
I wanted to drive out to the cabin. I wanted to explain everything to Ellie, but as I got closer to the ranch I realized it didn’t change anything. My reasons for getting involved with Carol in the first place hadn’t changed.
Instead I drove up to the house and got out of my truck.
When I opened the door I had this thought that maybe she would have come home. It was in the forties. Even with a fire the cabin had to be cold. She said she was coming home tomorrow anyway, why not come back now? Once inside I jogged up the steps to the second floor, but when I pushed open her door I saw it was still empty.
I had done that. I had driven her out of her own damn home for someone as superficial and one-dimensional as Carol.
And I might have permanently altered my relationship with Ell
ie. Who was pretty much the only family I had left. My best friend, my family… my wife.
There was no one I could talk to about this. Except of course Ellie. Ellie, who was going to come home tomorrow and cook me dinner. Because she hates it when I only eat sandwiches. She thinks it’s not enough given all the physical work I do during a day.
I knew that about her.
So even though I had hurt her, even though she had to witness me about to screw another woman in her kitchen, she was still worried enough about what I ate to overlook that and come home.
I was a rancher. A simple man who got up and worked hard all day. I didn’t do complicated. I didn’t do dramatic. I didn’t ask for much.
Only now I was in this shit storm, and I didn’t see any way out of it.
There was only one thing left to do.
It was time to get drunk.
Ellie
I wasn’t certain what woke me. I only know I had been asleep dreaming this crazy dream that Petunia could actually talk to me, and now suddenly I was awake. I was nicely cocooned under a ton of blankets, but I could tell my nose was freezing.
Which meant the fire had long since gone out, which meant it was probably the middle of the night.
“Ellie! Open the door, Ellie!”
Jake was banging on the door. It must have been his knocking that woke me.
There had to be some kind of emergency. Maybe something with one of the horses. I didn’t think, I got up and ran to the door, unlocked the dead bolt and swung it open.
The first thing that hit me was the smell. Jake reeked of whiskey. The second thing I noticed was him leaning against the door frame with said bottle of whiskey still in his hand.
Although it didn’t seem as if there was that much left.
“It’s too cold. You need to come home,” he said.
“Jake, you’re drunk.”
“Shitfaced. Now come home.”
He attempted to wave me forward, but it was like he didn’t have full use of his arm.
“How did you get here?”
He pointed behind him. I could see his truck parked at an awkward angle on the gravel area in front of the cabin.