by S Doyle
“How?”
“How...”
“The money. How did you get the money?”
“This annuity company bought out my trust fund. They take a pretty steep cut, but I get the money up front.”
He ran his hand through this hair. “Son of… That was supposed to be your security blanket.”
“Jake, there’s enough money to pay off the loan, pay you what you’re owed, and send me to school. Beyond that, it gets us out of this situation.”
“I didn’t think we were in a situation. I thought we were living our lives.”
“Because it’s not the same for you,” I cried.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means… I have feelings, Jake. And I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to take those feelings and justify all of them. I’ve done it too. You’re a replacement for my father. What I’m feeling is gratitude. I’m too young to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not because I’ve never known anything else. But it doesn’t change the fact that they are there. Maybe this really isn’t about you. Maybe I’m doing the selfish thing and saving myself two and half years of agony. This split is going to hurt me. I told you that. It will hurt worse the longer we go on like we’re doing now.”
He stared at me for a second, hands on his hips, like he was processing everything I said.
“If I said I did want to stay married to you, then what?”
For a second it felt like my heart was going to burst. Like he was offering me this dream come true. Except I knew when I’d laid this out in my head, I had to be careful for things like this.
“I would say I have doubts about that. That I would always have doubts because I knew when we married you thought it was temporary and not because you loved me. I think we have to do this. For both our sakes.”
“When?”
I blinked. “Whenever we want. The money will be in the bank in a few days. I’ll settle the loan and sort out the rest. I’ve already signed up for courses and arranged for a dorm room. I need to be there the first week of January. Actually I was hoping you could take me. I’m not allowed to have a car on campus my first year.”
“You’ve been planning this for weeks,” he said as if I cold-cocked him. “And you didn’t say a damn thing to me.”
“I wanted to wait until I knew I could do it all. The college acceptance came through last week. Also I wasn’t really sure how you would react.”
“Not sure?” he asked, exasperated.
“You gave up two years of your life, Jake. For me. I couldn’t ask you to give up another two and a half. Not when there was something I could do to fix it. I thought you might actually be… relieved. You said when you started seeing Carol, you thought that might be a way to return us to the way were. It wasn’t. I only got angry and resentful with you. This is my attempt. Time away. Separation. Then maybe when I come back and you’re living on your land, we can find a way to become… friends again.”
Jake
She was right. I hated that she was so damn right. There was no way we were going to keep this up for two years. No way I was going to keep my hands off her for two more years. Not when I knew what she felt like, what she sounded like when she came.
God, what she sounded like.
Except I had started kind of getting used to the idea that it wasn’t such a bad thing. Yes, we came into this marriage in the strangest of ways. Yes, it would be really hard to know if her feelings were legitimately about me and not about the situation. But would it be the worst thing to be married to your best friend?
Still, the idea of her going away… in some ways I hated it. In other ways I thought it was something she needed to do. We married when she was sixteen freaking years old. She’d never spent more than a week away from this ranch her whole life.
She said we needed space for us to become friends again. The truth was she needed time to explore the world if we were going to be something beyond friends. She had to have the opportunity for once in her life to make a choice.
The choice she’d lost the day Sam fell to his knees, clutching his chest.
“Say something,” she prompted. “Are you really mad?”
“I’m not mad, Ellie. I’m… stunned. I wasn’t expecting this.”
“But I’m not wrong. Am I?”
“You were wrong not to discuss this with me. We should have done this together.”
“It was my money and my decision.”
She lifted her chin then and I had this crazy urge to sit her on the kitchen island and show her exactly who she was messing with. Then I remembered all the reasons I kept myself from touching her.
The same reasons she gave for leaving.
What if I had just fucked her?
I let out a sigh. “Then when?”
“When what?”
“When do you want to do this? Divorce.”
Her lip wobbled and I could see she was telling the truth about this hurting. She wasn’t alone. It felt like I was asking her when she wanted to cut off my right hand.
“How about after Christmas? Right before I leave. That way no one is asking us a bunch of questions around the holidays.”
I nodded. “Okay. Tell Howard to do what he’s got to do.”
“Should I pop the cork?”
“No.” This wasn’t something to be happy about. “How about we save it for Christmas? Our last one.”
Geez, now I could feel my own damn lip beginning to wobble. Ellie was going to leave me. Ellie was going to go to college and learn new things and meet new people. Everything was going to change.
I hated it but I had to accept it.
“Good idea. Champagne doesn’t really go with beef stew anyway. Hey, speaking of Christmas, what do you want this year?”
Her. I wanted her.
“I need socks.”
She made a face. “Jake, I’m not getting you socks for Christmas. That’s lame.”
I turned back to the stove and ran a spoon the through the stew. “You asked. I answered.”
“I’ll come up with something way better.”
She usually did. “Stew is ready. Hang up your coat and for the love of God take your boots that have been sitting by the back door all damn day upstairs.”
“Yes, sir. Grouchy much? You would think a man who’s just been given his parole would be a lot more chipper.”
“I want to live to see my freedom, and if I trip over those boots one more time I may not.”
We were going through the motions. Saying the right things. Keeping it as normal as we could.
We were both lying. I knew it.
Fifteen
Ellie
Christmas
It snowed. Not the scary snow of the storm. Just enough to make it so we didn’t have to go anywhere. Didn’t have to see anyone. It was nice. Because it was our official last day as a married couple. We were scheduled to meet Howard tomorrow morning to sign the papers and file them with the court. Next week Jake was going to take me to college.
It was happening. So today was our day.
Jake was burning the bacon just the way I liked it. I was watching him while sipping on my coffee and chatting about school.
“What if I don’t make any friends?”
“You’ll make friends.”
“What if my roommate doesn’t like me?”
“Try not to leave your shoes by the door and maybe you’ll stand a chance.”
“Did you talk to Rich about living in the bunk house?”
Rich was the guy we hired as my stand-in. He was older than Jake, divorced and currently without residence. The good news was Jake would have plenty of time with him to show him the ropes. Then if he worked out he could stay on as the foreman when Jake went back to his ranch.
Because that was the other thing that happened. I gave Jake the money he needed and he put a down payment on the land. Talley land was officially in Talley hands once again.
I thought he’d
be happier about it. Talk about his plans for the future more, but he didn’t. The truth was, since the divorce was decided we were both really going through the motions. Pretending this thing wasn’t happening even though it was.
One thing I was worried about school, I knew it was where Bobby had planned to attend. I was okay after the “incident” but it wasn’t like I ever wanted to see him again. Jake, having not been satisfied with the whole no jail thing, took it upon himself to track down Ted MacPherson in Jefferson. Last I heard Bobby was now living and working with his father, so hopefully that settled that.
“He seemed fine with it,” Jake said about Rich as he served me my burnt bacon.
I didn’t wait for the eggs and I started right in. As always it was delicious.
“What do you want to do after breakfast?” he asked.
“Presents! Presents! Presents!”
“You said, and I quote, let’s wait and do presents after dinner, that way we’ll have something to look forward to all day.”
“Yes, and I see now that was stupid.”
“We can do presents,” he relented.
I thought about it and I started to agree with my former self. Presents could wait until tonight. I had a really big one to give him. One I hoped he would accept. But that would be better done after some champagne.
“Let’s go for a ride,” I suggested. “It stopped snowing, and who knows when I’ll have a chance to ride Petunia again.”
“Okay.”
So we finished eating and dressed for the cold and headed out to the barn. I mounted up and Jake on Wyatt followed me out. Jake took the lead and I clicked Petunia into a gallop to keep up. Not that I ever needed to encourage her. Wherever Wyatt went, that’s where Petunia wanted to go.
Like mother like daughter.
It was so quiet as we rode. A soft layer of snow, no wind, just us and the sound of the horses breathing. I thought we were meandering, but when we got to an overlook I realized where Jake had led us.
From where we were on the ridge, we could see down further into the valley. Across the stream was Talley land.
“Does it feel good? Knowing it’s yours again?”
He nodded but he was quiet.
“When are you going to get started on the house?”
“Next week. I talked to a contractor Pete knows. He thinks the best thing is to level it to the ground, clear out the debris, and build on the foundation.”
I thought about the irony in that statement. That’s what me leaving was also supposed to do. Clear us out, so we could get back to the foundation.
Unless that wasn’t what I was doing at all. Unless I was doing this awful thing that would end us.
What if he met a woman next week? What if he fell in love with her? What if I had to sit at his wedding? What if I had to hold his child by another woman?
It would be heartbreaking. But so would looking up from the kitchen table five years from now, realizing he didn’t really love me. That he’d stayed with me only out of loyalty and devotion.
“I’m getting cold,” I told him. “I’m heading back.”
“Me too.”
We finished our ride and didn’t talk the rest of the way back. I was trying to believe this was a special day. A good day for us, but the truth was it felt like some heavy weight was sitting on our shoulders.
I made hot chocolate for both of us. That didn’t help.
We watched It’s a Wonderful Life together. That didn’t help.
I managed to make a turkey that was pretty darn tasty, if I did say so myself. That helped a little.
Champagne. The trick was the champagne.
“It’s like drinking fizzy water,” Jake complained.
We were sitting in front of the fire with our stacks of presents opened, the wrapping already cleaned up. I got Jake a new pair of work boots, which he needed; socks, which he wanted; a new pair of pajamas in case he ever had to save another woman’s virtue someday and she made him sleep on the floor next to her.
And a picture of me. One he’d taken. Just with his phone one day when I had been goofing around on Petunia. It was one of those rare moments when I was smiling but I didn’t think my teeth were too big. I had a print copy of it made and framed. So he wouldn’t forget me when I was gone.
I think he liked it. He stared at it for a while.
He got me flannel pajamas with tiny little flowers, which I was currently wearing, and this really cool leather satchel with my initials stitched into it to carry around my school books, he said. I loved it.
“It tickles my nose. I like it.” I poured myself another glass and then he took the bottle from me.
“Any more and it will make you sick.”
“Killjoy.”
“That’s me. It’s late. I’m going to bed. Big day tomorrow.”
“Yeah.” He got up and took the nearly empty champagne bottle back to the kitchen. I heard him pour himself some water. Then he made his way back to the living room and poked his head around the corner.
“Night, Ellie. Merry Christmas.”
“Night, Jake. Pretty good day today?”
“Very good day today. See you in the morning.”
I didn’t move for a while. Just sipped my champagne and waited. I had one shot at this and I figured I needed him in the right frame of mind. Lazy, comfortable, near ready to fall asleep but not quite there.
Finally I got up and followed him upstairs. I made a quick stop at my room to pick up what I needed. Then I made my way down the hall to his room. I knocked quietly even as I was opening the door.
Jake had been in bed and was just now swinging his legs to the floor.
“Ellie, what’s up? Is something wrong?”
I walked over and stood in front of him. I thought I would be more afraid, but I wasn’t scared at all.
“I have something else I want to give you. I want you to hear me out. I want you to be my first, Jake. Because you are everything you said my first time should be. I trust you. I care for you. I know you’ll be gentle with me and I just can’t imagine doing this for the first time with anyone else. Tomorrow is happening. We both know how this ends. So no chance of either of us getting more hurt. Please, Jake. Just this one last thing. For me.”
He reached out and put his hands on my hips and rested his head against my breasts. I stroked his hair because he seemed to need the comfort.
He sighed. “I can’t…”
It hurt but I guess understood.
“Not,” he finished. “I can’t not have you. Okay. Just this once.”
My heart started to pound in my chest. I held up the condom I brought and he took it out of my shaky fingers.
I stepped away from him and lifted my flannel top over my head, then quickly pushed my bottoms off and stepped out of them. No underwear, so I was naked. In front of Jake.
“You’re right,” I whispered. “It’s a little scary, but not so bad.”
He touched me then and I thought I might faint. Just his finger running along my collarbone, then down the center of my chest. He didn’t touch my breasts. He did tickle my belly button.
“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered.
If he said so.
Then he was lifting me and turning me so I was on the bed. I scrambled under the covers and I saw him bend down to get rid of his boxer briefs. I knew he wore boxer briefs because along with socks and the shoes I bought him a set of those as well.
“We’re going to take this slow.”
“Okay.”
“You sure about this, Ellie?”
“One hundred percent.”
He kissed me and that made it easier. I could focus on how wonderful that was, because the few times we did kiss it was electric. I got lost in the taste of him, the feel of him.
Then he moved closer to me. Brought my naked body up against his and oh my god!
It was amazing. His body was so warm, it was like snuggling up against this big bear. I could feel the fuzz of hair on h
is chest, his legs, his arms and his… dick (remember I promised never to call it by a nickname.)
Then his hand that had been holding my face slipped down and cupped my breast, and that was amazing too. He teased my nipple in a way that kind of hurt and made me bump up against his thigh. He used that thigh to hold my legs down so I couldn’t move at all. I had to just feel. His dick was pressed against my belly. It was very hard and very hot and it felt way bigger than I remembered from the towel incident.
As in, I’m not sure it was going to fit big. But I would deal with that when the time came.
For now it was all good. He kissed my neck. He slid down on the bed and kissed the tops of my breasts.
He sucked my nipple into his mouth.
“Jake!” I gasped.
He lifted his head, and while the light wasn’t on I could still see the glimmer in his eyes. “Feel it, Ellie. Take it all in.”
He slid lower and this time I could feel the stubble of his chin along my stomach. Suddenly his fingers were covering my pussy and I thought about the last time he did this and what it had felt like.
“Yes, that.”
“This?” he asked, sliding a finger deep inside.
“Ohhhh yes. Yes please.”
“Ellie, I want you to spread your legs for me.”
He was sliding again and I did as he asked. Because I trusted him. He was going to make this the best first time ever.
“Holy crap is that your tongue!” I started to back away, but he held my hips in place.
“Relax and enjoy it. I promise you this is going to feel so good.”
He was doing chin rub thing over my lower belly and it did feel good, so I did what he asked.
I understood the concept of oral sex. I knew people did it. But he was right there. Like RIGHT THERE. And his tongue—
“Ohmygod, ohmygod.” He was soooooo right. His finger was still pushing inside me and his tongue was slithering all around, and it was like all the heat from the center of the universe was focused between my legs.
I twisted, I writhed, but he was relentless and when he pushed a second finger deep I came so hard.
He seemed to have figured it out. It might have been me screaming or clenching my fingers in his hair so hard that if I pulled I might have made him a bald man in an instant.