I am going to try and lead a very regular life avoiding any personal agitations this summer and painting every day. I don’t tell R about you and all our difficulties. You are wrong in writing this. I only talked to him this summer when you talked to him when you were at Shalbourne. I did not talk to him this weekend at all about you. Partly I confess because he wasn’t interested. But mostly because somehow it is difficult to talk about one’s inside feelings to anyone but the person concerned.
The pigeons arrived on Saturday. They were most lovely. This morning your mother sent me some plants; I am writing to thank her.
Let us calm down a little. If you want to write, or see me again, I shall not care less.You have been always dear to me Amigo, it’s impossible to get over caring for you. Please don’t answer this. I’ve simply tried to tell you something which I hadn’t got clear until today.
My love dear one.
Your Cirod
[…]
After receiving this letter, Gerald wrote: ‘Pehaps for your own happiness you should give up men and become a complete sapphist.’
That summer, Carrington was cheered by the presence of Julia Strachey, Lytton’s niece and Frances Marshall’s friend from childhood, who was now a frequent guest at Ham Spray and being pursued by Stephen Tomlin. Her letters to Julia were jokey and flirtatious.
To Julia Strachey
Sunday [summer 1925]
Darling Julia,
I am afraid you are a sad wretch. Because you go careering about in your Rolls Royce with a jeune homme of a Sunday and when asked to come here, don’t come.
We all sat on tip toes waiting for the wheels of your new Royce up the gravel drive. But in vain, oh vain Julia. There were rows of young men on tip toes and yet you preferred to lie in the bracken, or under the gorse bushes, instead of coming to see your old friend. Well, well.
I hope you will come next Saturday in your Rolls and stay the promised week. I heard a great deal from poor Mr [Lamb] about you.
You breaker of Lamb’s fry, or tails. Oh I wish you were here to do all these ‘little jobs about the house.’ But I’ll learn yer when yer comes down my sweet honey. I’d let you tidy my drawers, mend my socks, and polish my boots. Had I but known you loved and so excelled at those hundred and one little things, I would not have let you lie idle in bed reading Galsworthy (or Tchekov much the same) a sleeping draught. One draught of your sweet lips: now I am becoming both sentimental and in bad taste, so I must stop this letter and run and put the peas on to cook. For it’s Sunday night and the maid, my dear! I always think it’s best, don’t you, to let them have one evening out, and Sunday you know, for church, a week! […]
Roger is a charmer. I was very melted by him this weekend.fn20
Darling Julia goodbye, my love
Your Tante Carrington
To Gerald Brenan
Summer 1925
Dear Amigo,
Thank you for your letter. It is simply another proof of our fundamental difference of character. I wish to bury the past; you have an infinite capacity for investigating it. I do not believe any particular circumstances made our relation impossible. It was rather my predestined inabilities, (which whenever I think of my past life is forced upon me), to have any ‘intimate’ relations with anyone. I believe I am a perfect combination of a nymphomaniac and a wood-nymph! I hanker after intimacies, which another side of my nature is perpetually at war against. Lately, removed from any intimacies, causing no one unhappiness and having no sense of guilt I have felt more at peace inside myself than I have ever felt before.
I am only sorry Amigo, that you have been made so unhappy by me. At present I do my best not to think about you. So will you please not write back again. It was kind of you to tell me you have got over some of your resentment against me. Mine, against you, was always only for a few days; the rest was against myself roused by you. I am glad you are happier now. I beg you not to write again. I always shall think of you with great affection. With my love,
Your C
PS It is quite alright about the diary. It doesn’t seem to matter now, so keep it if you like.
To Lytton Strachey
Ham Spray House
Saturday [26 September 1925]
Darling Lytton,
Your letter has just come. I wrote you a long letter on Thursday, and Friday, but didn’t post it. So now I will write it all over again. All Wednesday was very hot, and exquisite, I spent the entire morning gossiping to Helen [Anrep] and inventing a dinner for our party. We drove to Hungerford before lunch; otherwise the entire day seemed to be spent in meandering conversation. The Japp world arrived at half past seven. The dinner was indescribably grand. Epoch making; grapefruit, then a chicken covered with fennel and tomato sauce, a risotto with almonds, onions and pimentos, followed by sack cream, supported by Café Royal red wine, perfectly warmed. (The cradle took Mrs Japp’s breath away.) I shall repeat this grand dinner for our next weekend. We all became so flirtatious and talkative. Helen was a great support and was very polite to the Japps. We tippled sherry over the fire till after 11 o’ck.
The next morning I manoeuvred and got Dorelia to promise to come down, on her way to Alderney. She arrived at half past six. Henry came over. We again had a superb dinner ending with crème brule and two bottles of champagne and more sherry afterwards! Dorelia became completely boozed and very gay. Even Henry was less gloomy and rather amusing. We played Haydn, made endless jokes and talked without stopping. Somehow I thought it was the most lovely evening I’d ever spent. I wished you could have been with us. It was partly the loveliness of the femme Dorelia. I got a good many embraces from her, and one passionate rencontre with Henry in the hall. But I preferred the former. Henry stayed the night. He has given me some of his pills for going to sleep, which alter my life, as I now sink off into a complete snooze the moment I get into bed, until the next morning. I will replenish the sherry section of the cellar next week, as I am afraid I made rather a hole in it. Poor Dorelia was rather ill the next morning after our debauch, but I didn’t feel any the worse. They stayed to lunch and then went off to Alderney.
Yesterday evening Helen’s two children came down. Do not SHRIEK! They are very well behaved and they’ll not be allowed look at any of your books. Otherwise Helen would have to have gone back yesterday. Now she will be able to stay till Sunday evening. The weather is rather wobbling here. Last night the bulls broke loose and rushed roaring round the house and blew all the branches down. No interesting letters, only a post card from Ralph from Toledo […]
I have a lovely new cat. When I went to the Japps, they had ten exquisite cats of different sizes, tabbies, and blacks. So I chose a lovely dark tab, and brought it home. Poor Tiger had another fit in the morning and rushed in circles frantically round and round the lawn, and then had seizures under the laurel hedge. I fear I shall have to get rid of her. For she seems very neurotic, and sad […] The little Anrepinas look rather charming running about round the lawn with bamboo branches. Helen and I go to Japp’s tonight to a return dinner. Apparently Mrs Japp is renowned for her exquisite cuisine and was very agitated by our gorgeous display. So this is our rival party. I shall be glad to have you back again. Henry by the way made a long speech about you to me. So I assured him you weren’t in the least hostile. He was pathetic in his curious way. He poured out a melancholy tale to me about Dorelia and John, and the lack of civilisation at Alderney. Now dear I must go and attend to my duties. Helen has a most corrupting influence on one. One does nothing but sit under the veranda and talk. I love you so very much. My fondest love,
Your most loving Mopsa
Ralph and Frances had gone to Spain alone together. During this journey they became lovers, and returned more committed to each other than ever.
Mark Gertler had been seriously ill with tuberculosis. While Carrington’s artistic career had dwindled, his had been productive and successful. He was still unmarried.
To Mark Gertler
Ham Spray Ho
use
Monday, 27 September 1925
Dear Mark,
I heard the other day from Anrep that you were ill again. I felt suddenly so very sorry. I wished to write, and tell you so. I hope you will soon be better.
Hearing you were ill, my resentful feelings which I confess I have felt for some years, suddenly vanished and I wish only to send you my love and best wishes,
Your Carrington
To Mark Gertler
Ham Spray House
7 October 1925
Dear Mark
I was glad to hear that you are not very ill, and that you are recovering. It was kind of you to write, and tell me about yourself … It’s a little difficult to answer your letter – partly because I don’t want to.
One of the comforts of being over thirty I find, is at last to know what one feels, and only to do the things one wants to do! So your letter will remain unanswered. But I assure you I’ve no longer any grudges, and I feel perfectly friendly towards you. I do not know what the mingled accounts of my brother, Desmond [MacCarthy] and Ruth [Selby-Bigge] were of my life! In reality I am very happy to live in this country and love it so passionately that I find nothing outside it seems to affect me very much. I do more painting than I used to do, as now I have a fine studio here.
Perhaps in five years we will meet, and then we can give each other a complete account of our lives since we last saw each other! – I know you will understand what I am going to say, so I shall not make any apologies. I don’t really want to see, or write to you again. I know it’s really impracticable and incompatible with my present life. My mind was set at rest by your letter, and now I shall return back into my mole hole. As a matter of fact I never go to London now, and I am too lazy to write letters. Half of one of course is always curious to meet again, and reluctant ever to stop a friendship but I expect you will agree with me. I hope you do not find the Sanatorium very tedious. I was so pleased to hear from you. I hope you will soon be strong again.
My love
Your Carrington
1926
After their return from Spain, Ralph and Frances decided they wanted to live together in London. Desperate to avoid this threat to the ‘triangular trinity of happiness’, Carrington suggested that Frances should move in with Julia Strachey in Gordon Square.
To Julia Strachey
Ham Spray House
[Spring 1926]
[…] I see no reason, as it is in many ways the only obvious person [Frances] you could ask to share a flat with you and it certainly would probably make your difficulties of housekeeping easier. But I love you Julia for being so understanding and giving me a straw to cling on. I will come and see you again soon, and talk to you and then, when the weather is a little less grim, I will ask you here. You will come? Don’t write back to me, as Ralph returns next Monday and please burn this letter. If only one’s feelings weren’t so involved there is a fascination in intrigue and plots that is unequalled. It is so interesting to have a part laid down with one’s words to learn. But I’ve very little spirit left. For which reason I’ve rather taken to the other ‘spirits’. Now I shall live for a little in my nunnery, drink glasses of hot water and lemon, go for long walks, and read Proust in the evenings. Did you like my decorations on Alix’s walls. Honestly? You see I’ve rather an absurd opinion of your taste.
My love dear Julia
Your Carrington
Later Friday
PS Lytton has just had a conversation with me. He says a dentist has now entered the arena. But that you put up a brave fight. Most dear Julia. But of course if F will come there is no reason why she shouldn’t take the lower floor instead of the dentist, or an upper floor, in fact Gordon Square offers everything most suitable for the ‘situation’, general vagueness, tennis in the summer and company and nice rooms. However just because it would make life tolerable and prevent general disaster, I feel it won’t happen. I shall always however love you for your kindness to me, even if it is of no avail. Meanwhile I hope the dentist will be prevented from actually taking the first floor until our fates are settled. My only hope rests with your diplomacy. I will write next Tuesday when I shall probably know from Ralph the results of your letter. Please burn this letter.
My love again
Your Carrington
After this ploy failed, Lytton asked Frances to meet him to discuss the situation. He made it clear to her that he could not promise to remain at Ham Spray with Carrington without Ralph. Though no longer deeply in love with him, Lytton loved him dearly and relied on his strong, practical masculine presence. Frances, however, was not going to give in to emotional blackmail. The situation was painful for all concerned. Eventually it was resolved by a remarkable exchange of letters between the two women.
To Frances Marshall
Ham Spray House
Wednesday [early spring 1926]
Dear Frances,
This is a difficult letter to write. If it wasn’t that I have grown very fond of you I couldn’t write it. You will understand that, also since you are as unhappy as I am, you will forgive me.
I wanted to see you to talk, but I now feel it’s too hard, because our feelings are so involved.
We each know what we have all three been feeling these last months. Now it’s more or less over. The Treaty has to be drawn up. I have to accept that owing to a situation, which cannot be got over, I must give up living with Ralph. I simply now write quite frankly, to beg you to try, while these adjustments are being made, to see the position from my point of view and to try and see if it’s not compatible with your happiness to still let me keep some of my friendship with Ralph. I can’t get away from everything, because of Lytton. Even although the happiness of my relation with Lytton, ironically, is so bound up with Ralph, that that will be wrecked. I am obliged to accept this situation; you must see that. All I can do is to beg you to be, any rate at first, a little generous.
You see I’ve no pride, I write a letter which I suppose I oughtn’t to write. You see, Frances, you can afford to be lenient because R is so completely yours in his affections. In spite of all your difficulties and unhappiness you are a gainer, we losers. And if you face it, the situation really is that Ralph can only give me what you can spare to give. My future does now rest with you. I can’t ask you to understand what I feel because it’s really impossible ever to understand other people exactly. I can’t really understand all your feelings. But by putting myself in your position I have been able to see the inevitability of this situation and to sympathise with your misery.
I do love Ralph, only in a different way, just as you love him. It isn’t any easier for me to give him up than it would be for you. As he loves you, he must care for your feelings before those of anybody else. That is rather an important fact, but I have been facing it for some time. The bare truth from my point of view is that if Ralph leaves me completely, or to all practical purpose completely, it really means an end to this life. I can’t ask him to go on seeing me down here, because he really feels it depends on whether you can bear it. If you can’t, nothing can be done. If you can, you must know it would mean everything to Lytton and me.
I don’t suppose you ever realised that it wasn’t easy for me a year ago to give up what I did give up, to you.fn21
In the next month a good deal will be settled. This is why I write to you. I am, you must see, rather outside everything, I can’t alter anybody’s happiness, or unhappiness. Ralph’s position is much the hardest one to bear at present probably. Whatever happens, Frances, I would like to tell you, now, that I’ve never felt anything but fondness for you. I’ve no resentment because I regard it all as beyond us, in an odd way. I send you my love and I hope you are happier. Forgive me if I should not have written; perhaps however you will understand. It would be kind if you burnt this letter, for it was rather difficult to write.
Carrington's Letters Page 35