Your very loving Carrington
1932
As doctors and visitors came and went, Carrington worked in the garden or made glass pictures in her studio. She wrote a stream of daily reports on Lytton’s condition to their friends.
To Roger Senhouse
Ham Spray House
Sunday, January 1932
Darling Roger,
Dr Cassidy has just been down this evening. He was very hopeful. He said he thought Lytton was in a better state than 2 weeks ago, & was bearing up marvellously. He thought he had a very good chance of recovering. He is a blunt man, & extremly honest, so I felt one could believe what he said.
Lytton asked me to send you his Love. I gather the improvement will have to be very slow for weeks, because there is so much poison in the colon. He suffers from boredom dreadfully.
It is so frightfully monotonous lying in a dark room, & nothing to do but eat broths & tea.
I hope you had a lovely Christmas, & enjoyed yourself. If you see Raymond tell him the specialist was hopeful, & thought everything was as good as could be expected. I think of you so often.
All my Love & Best Wishes for a Beautiful New Year.
Your loving Carrington
To Roger Senhouse
Ham Spray House
Thursday, January 1932
Darling Roger,
Lytton loved your flowers. He asked to hold them in his hands & for a long time buried his face in them, & said ‘How lovely’. He sends you his fondest Love. I am planting cuttings of the sweet Herb.
The Doctor said Lytton’s state was much the same this morning. He couldn’t say there was any improvement. The Diet is to be altered today. Perhaps it will have a good effect on the digestion.
Leonard, & Virginia dropt in today. It was nice to see them. Your freezias look so beautiful against the dull green-yellow wall in a pewter mug.
I will write tomorrow.
All my Love
Your fondest C
Carrington and Pippa would sit with Lytton and sponge his face. Friends and relations gathered nearby: the Stracheys stayed en masse at the Bear Hotel in Hungerford, as did Gerald and Tommy. Ralph, himself acutely anxious, wrote desperate letters to Frances (they thought it best for her to stay mostly in London) about his conviction that Carrington was planning to commit suicide if Lytton died.
On the afternoon of 20 January, while she was bathing his face, the semi-conscious Lytton suddenly whispered: ‘Darling Carrington. I love her. I always wanted to marry Carrington and I never did.’ True or not, it was what she had always longed to hear. When he fell asleep, she was suddenly terrified, writing in her journal: ‘I thought of the Goya painting of a dead man with the highlight on the cheekbones.’
That night, around 3 a.m., the nurse told her Lytton was unlikely to survive the night. She went in to see him. ‘I gave him a kiss on his cold forehead, it was damp and cold. I gave Ralph a kiss and asked him not to come and wake me. I saw him sit by the fire, and sip some tea in Lytton’s room. James went downstairs. I walked very quietly down the passage and down the back stairs. It was half past three. The house was quiet and outside the moon shone in the yard, through the elms across the barns. The garage door was stuck open. I could hardly move it.’
Fearing that the sound of the engine would wake the household, she waited till dawn, going back inside once to drink some whisky before getting back into the car and turning the engine on.
‘I turned out the light again and lay down. Gradually I felt rather sleepy, and the buzzing noise grew fainter and fainter […] I thought of Lytton, and was glad to think I shouldn’t know any more.’ At around six, with Lytton on the point of death, Ralph realised Carrington was missing and then heard the sound of the car. He found her unconscious, and pulled her out. ‘Ralph held me in his arms and kissed me, and said: How could you do it? […]’
James came and talked to her. ‘I felt no remorse. I must confess I felt defrauded and angry that fate had cheated me in such a way and brought me back again.’
She went back to Lytton. ‘I sat there thinking of all the other mornings in Lytton’s room and there was Pride and Prejudice, that I had been reading the evening before still on the table […] Suddenly I felt very sick, and ran out to my bedroom and was violently sick into the chamber pot. I remember watching the yellow water pour out of my mouth and thought it is the same as what is in the chamber pot.’
She went back to Lytton’s room and stood waiting, her arm round Pippa’s waist. James and Ralph joined them. When the nurse suggested ‘you ladies’ should leave the room ‘I was furious and hated her’.
Lytton’s breathing grew shorter. ‘I could not cry, I felt if he woke up we must be there not depressing or melancholy […] Ralph brought me some glasses of brandy and some sal volatile to drink. A blackbird sung outside in the sun on the aspen. We stood there. I do not know for how long […] Suddenly he breathed no more. Nurse McCabe put her hand on his heart under the bedclothes and felt it.
‘I looked at his face. It was pale as ivory. I stepped forward and kissed his eyes, and his forehead. They were cold.’
Later, she went back with Ralph and kissed him again. The next day, ‘Ralph brought me some bay leaves, and I made a wreath. I tried it on my head, it was a little large. I went in and put it round Lytton’s head. He looked so beautiful. The olive green leaves against his ivory skin. I kissed his eyes, and his ice cold lips.’
The next day Ralph took her for a drive to Savernake Forest. ‘I knew while we were away men would come and take him away.’
Back at the house she went to bed. Tommy came up and read her some poetry. Ralph told her Lytton could never have recovered.
‘It is ironical,’ she later wrote ‘that Lytton by that early attack at six o’clock saved my life. When I gave my life for his, he should give it back.’
In the days after his death, she wrote endless answers to letters of condolence from their friends.
To Roger Senhouse
Ham Spray House
Saturday, January 1932
Darling Roger,
Thank you so much for your letter. I think of you very often – I have known you for so many years intimately through Lytton, & have loved you because of his love for you, more than anyone. I am so grateful for you for giving Lytton all you did. You made these last years so complete for him. And this autumn he was so happy to have got over the slight emotional troubles that sometimes used to assail him, & to have reached a plain of tranquillity, & contentment. I shall never forget Lytton’s pale ivory hands clasping the pewter mug, & his face buried in your freesias. Ham Spray is my only consolation at the moment. I cannot quite let myself realize everything. You will come here later? His hankerchiefs, & tie pin, are in London but I will send you them later. Would you like a photograph, or did he give you one? It wouldn’t have been any good Roger if you had come. I asked him once, whether he would like to see you. But he was too weak, & so anxious to conserve all his strength that he said he would rather not. That was just before Christmas. Your love helps me more than you can think.
Darling Roger never forget how much happiness you gave Lytton, & how much he loved you.
Your very loving
Carrington
To Stephen Tomlin
Ham Spray House
Saturday evening
Darling,
I miss you very much. I wish you had not gone. This afternoon I made a bonfire and laid some grass under the yews. I hope you had a lovely ride with Diana on the downs. Julia seems better. I can’t write a letter you see, so I had better stop. You made this last week bearable which nobody else could have done. Those endless conversations were not quite pointless. Today has been a great improvement in one direction. Ralph seems much calmer and more natural. I think of what you said to me very often. Forgive me for going to bed yesterday, but you had no idea how bad my headache was. It really was cracking my skull. I didn’t want to complain and fuss. Now you are gone I can! But I had h
ad it all the morning. I hope you had a lovely evening with sweet H.fn66
All my love darling supporter
Your very loving C x
I am sending you some ties, and handkerchiefs belonging to Lytton just to keep. Later if there’s anything else you would like, you must tell me. He loved you so much that I’d like to give you some of his books for you to keep always but you must choose.
To Mary Hutchinson
Ham Spray House
24 January 1932
Darling Mary,
You know a little of what I feel. He talked so much of you to me. For we shared each other’s excursions into other worlds. I grew to love you knowing you secretly through Lytton. I know he talked of me to you sometimes. You gave him so much happiness, and helped him so often through dreary moments. Will you try & help Roger if it’s possible? I know Lytton would have wanted that. Last night some lovely flowers came. They stand on my bedroom mantelpiece against the pale blue walls. So beautiful. I thought of you, although they said there was no name in the box.
For a little I think I’ll stay here. Ralph & Tommy are here with me. & Julia comes next week. Later it would be happiness to see you. Darling Mary, nothing can ever make life what it was before. Your love meant so much to him all through these endless days. If there is anything of Lytton’s you loved, tell me.
Your very loving
Carrington
To Vanessa Bell
Ham Spray House
Thursday, January 1932
Dearest Vanessa,
You & Duncan both wrote me very perfect letters. I would like to thank you. – He loved you both almost more than anybody. And it is of the friends who he loved most I think of now. Later I would love to come & see you.
I shall never forget your kindness coming here.
All my fondest love,
Your Carrington
To Ottoline Morrell
Ham Spray House
[n.d.]
Dearest Ottoline,
Thank you so much for all your love for Lytton. I thought you would like to know that nothing anybody could have done could have saved his life, they found afterwards. It is a consolation to know he wasn’t defeated, & we weren’t, by anything, that could have been combated. He died in his sleep without any pain. It is to you I owe the happiness probably of my life with Lytton. I thank you for those days at Garsington where I grew to love him.
My love
Your Carrington
To Virginia Woolf
Fryern Court, Fordingbridge
Thursday, February 1932
Darling Virginia,
Thank you so much for your letter. There are only a few letters that have been any use. Yours most of all because you understand. I’ve just been reading a diary Lytton kept in Nancy this September, again. It is a comfort because he was so happy. Sometime James will give it you to read. His emotional troubles were over and it was a perfect holiday by himself, enjoying all the accumulated pleasures of his lifetime.
Do ask Ralph to see you some time. He is so lonely and I think it would make him happier to talk about Lytton with you. I can’t quite bear to face things, or people. But you are the first person I’d like to see when I come to London.
Please give my love to Leonard.
All my love darling Virginia.
Your very fond Carrington
Tommy had made Carrington promise not to kill herself for four weeks, because after such a shock no one should make an irrevocable decision. The trouble was that without Lytton she did not see the point in living.
From Carrington’s Journal
12 February
I can think of nothing but the past, everything reminds me of Lytton. There is no one to tell one’s thoughts to now and the loneliness is unbearable. No one can be what Lytton was. He had the power of altering me. So that I was never unhappy as long as he was with me […]
Oh darling did you now how I adored you, I feared so often to tell you because I thought you might be encumbered by your ‘incubus’. I knew you didn’t want to feel me dependent on you. I pretended so often I didn’t mind staying alone. When I was utterly miserable as the train went out and your face vanished […]
What does anything mean to me now without you. I see my paints and think it is no use, for Lytton will never see my pictures now and I cry …
While James began to sort out Lytton’s books and papers, Carrington dealt with his personal possessions.She burned underclothes and his spectacles on a bonfire.
‘In a few years what will be left of him? A few books on some shelves, but the intimate things I loved, all gone.’
From Carrington’s Journal
In the Library
17 February
I dreamt of you again last night. And when I woke up it was as if you had died afresh. Every day I find it harder to bear. For what point is there in life now […]
It is impossible to think that I shall never sit with you again and hear your laugh. That every day for the rest of my life you will be away. No one to talk to about my pleasures. No one to call me for walks to go ‘to the terrace’. I write in an empty book, I cry in an empty room. And there can never be any comfort again.
To Sebastian Sprott
Ham Spray House
Sunday
Darling Sebastian,
I wanted to give you these ties and the belt to keep. Later you must tell James if there is anything of Lytton’s you want. Something you remembered here. You understand more than anyone what it means. I long to be here alone. But everyone seems to be my enemy and insists on treating me like an imbecile invalid. They want me to go to Dorelia for a week but I hope I shall persuade her to let me return if I can’t bear it. Forgive this letter and don’t write back. Later come here and stay with me alone and talk to me of Lytton and yourself.
Your very loving Carrington
To Rosamond Lehmann
Ham Spray House
Tuesday
Darling Rosamond,
I am so sorry you are still ill in bed. This is just to send you all my love and thank Wogan for writing to me. Next week perhaps I’ll be able to face London, if I do, I will come and see you. Ralph says he will go and see you for me. I am alone at last, it is for some reason a relief. I feel a happiness in just wandering in the garden and being able to sit by myself in the library. I find Ralph’s grief almost too much to bear. He has been so kind to me, but I feel we only make it harder for each other in some ways. Please give Wogan my love. Do take great care of yourself and don’t get up too soon. I’ve been planting daffodils and snowdrops under the yew trees, making a little grove. It begins to look rather beautiful. James and Alix come next weekend and Ralph and Frances.
My love darling
Your fondest D
Carrington was finding Ralph’s unhappiness, his watchfulness and insistence that she not be alone oppressive. She arranged for him to go away for a few days with Frances.
To Rosamond Lehmann
Ham Spray House
Sunday
Darling Rosamond,
Will you do the greatest thing I can ask of anyone, help me to bear something that is a little too much? Ralph’s grief? I think he would be happy with you, and Wogan. It was the only place he thought of going to. I thought if he had the car he could go off with Frances sometimes if you had people to lunch, or if you had to go out. For a little I shall stay here. I can’t bear going away. Tommy and Julia will be with me. Nothing Rosamond will ever be the same again. He was more completely all my life than it is possible for any person to be. By being kind to Ralph you will be helping me more than I can say. Your love for Lytton and me meant so much these last two months. I will write soon to you darling. My love to Wogan and you.
Yr D
To Rosamond Lehmann
Ham Spray House
Saturday evening
Darling,
Thank you so much for being so kind to Ralph. He came back looking so much better and so did Frances. I long to s
ee you. But I don’t think I can face London for some time. Will you come here later on? I really want to stay here alone for a bit, but Ralph seems rather opposed to the idea, and insists on my going to stay with Dorelia next week. So I suppose I shall have to. I expect I shall be there for some days after next Tuesday, a week perhaps. I am not facing things. I can’t for a bit. The impossibility of it happening, a possibility I never believed in my worse moments of despair, still makes it seem a nightmare. I find it difficult to go on with ordinary life and I almost hate anybody else who can, although I know it’s unreasonable to expect the world to stand still. I dread leaving here. Forgive me if I can’t write, but you know I love you. Later you must tell James or Ralph if there is anything of Lytton’s you would like as a keepsake. Anything here that you loved particularly. Ralph told me you weren’t looking well. Please take care of yourself in London, and DO darling, go to a specialist about the glands. I am so glad the book is finished. My love to Wogan and very much to you.
Your loving D
To Gerald Brenan
Ham Spray House
18 February 1932
Dearest Amigo,
I’ve just heard from Ralph that Gamel is ill with her heart. I am so sorry. I hope it will soon be better. It must be a great worry for you […] I felt somehow I hadn’t written a very grateful letter for your nice one, but there’s no denying the fact I am against the world, and all good advice, at the moment […] But hearing you were in trouble I at once felt fond of you, & wished to send you both my love. I am alone, & a little calmer. I find it very difficult to behave [illegible], it is so difficult when I see my glooms depressing R & have to stifle them.
I am reading Hogg’s life of Shelley & Keats’ letters. In fact I’ve moved completely into that world, & go on to table talk with Rogersfn67 over my meals. – When you next come to Ham Spray you’ll see a very romantic grove with snowdrops under the Laurels, & Yews. If ever you see on your expeditions any mourning figures, or urns in the worst Victorian style suitable for my grove you might let me know […] Give Gamel my very fondest love. Please see Ralph if you can. He is still so unhappy. & I am no use – for I’ve become an embittered morbid old amiga.
Carrington's Letters Page 45