by Ada Frost
“Okay.” His tone was hoarse; the agony in his green eyes slashed at my chest. He turned and headed towards the front door. His massive shoulders were tensed and his hands were tucked deep into his slack pockets. As I turned to get in the truck, his words landed like a grenade at my feet.
“You may not think of me as your brother, Ryan. But you will always be mine. I know I’m the odd one out, doesn’t stop me wanting to be there for you. Family doesn’t always have to be blood linked.”
I turned to argue that, but the door closed, shielding Will and Aloura inside. I could only stare at the wood. He thought he was the odd one out. How was that even possible? He had been there for Jo. He’d watched him grow up.
Protected him.
A pained growl rose from my chest and out through my mouth. He had pushed, but I had hit back so hard I had broken something that could never be repaired. Once I was in the truck, I slammed the door so hard the entire thing shook.
“You’re a fucking idiot,” I muttered to myself.
I started the engine and followed the driveway, towards freedom, away from these suffocating thoughts. Only they intensified the further away I was from her.
I needed to survive without her.
My fingers danced across the keys. I wasn’t stretching myself today. I was playing what came easily, almost like my body was conditioned to play without thought.
Why?
Because I couldn’t concentrate. I had tried so hard to seem unaffected by Ryan, but he was going out to meet another woman and do God only knows what. We weren’t together. He was my employee for God’s sake. But there was no stopping the sting his words caused, no not a sting a full blown gut ripping punch. I hated the thought of another woman touching him, giving him something he clearly didn’t want from me.
A loud off key sound echoed in the room as I slammed my hands down. Resting my elbows on the piano, I scrubbed my hands down my face and held them, palm to palm and touched my lips to my fingertips, trying to clear my head. Why wasn’t I enough? Had the kiss been so awful?
“Focus, Aloura,” I grumbled to myself and pushed to play a new piece, the one I had desperately been trying to perfect. I pressed the ear buds in and played. When learning a new piece, I liked to listen to it first. It helped me get into the essence of the music. The song played for a few moments, and my fingers hovered over the keys. I closed my eyes trying to soak in the music. But nothing was working. Behind my lids, all I saw were a pair of determined deep blue eyes staring back, a massive frame. The infuriating man determined to be alone.
“Argh.” I slammed my palms down on the keys, causing a deafening cacophony of noise. I pulled at the ear buds and sent them sailing across the dark wood of the piano top. My iPod crashed to the floor. Nothing would take this restless feeling away.
“That’s the kind of the reaction I have when Izzy makes me listen to One Direction,” Will said, startling me. I jerked my head around to see him standing in the doorway. My cheeks heated, and I knew a blush was covering my entire face and neck. “I was worried for the piano’s safety, with those flying fists of fury.” His green eyes sparkled with humour as he stepped further into the room.
“I just can’t get it right.” I huffed, my voice quiet as I turned to face the piano.
“It sounded pretty good to me.”
I bobbed my head. It probably wasn’t as bad as I thought. I just couldn’t relax into it.
“He’s scared.”
I snapped my head around in shock.
“Seems we’re a little un-evolved when it comes to admitting how we feel.” He snorted and leaned against the wall to my left.
“There aren’t any feelings to evolve,” I said, hating how weak my voice sounded.
“Oh, trust me. I have known Ry a long time, and I’ve never seen him this twisted up over a woman before. I’ll admit I thought at first he was taking his role of protector a little far. But it is definitely more than that.”
“Why is he with another woman then?” I covered my mouth. I hadn’t intended to blurt that out.
Will’s smile was sincere if not a little sympathetic. “I didn’t say he wasn’t an idiot.”
“I kissed him,” I uttered, my face now scorching I was so embarrassed.
“He said. And that’s why I think he’s running. You’ve given him something he’s never had before.”
“A kiss?” I asked dumbfounded. There was no way any man looking the way he did had never been kissed.
Will’s laughter was light. He slid his massive frame down the wall to sit on the floor. His long legs were almost touching the bench seat I was currently sitting on.
“You’ve given him hope. You’ve opened his eyes to life. For as long as I’ve known him, death has never scared him. He kind of taunts it. He has this fucked up notion that society would be better without his curse. I think since the age of...I don’t know, his early teens, Ryan has suffered depression. But he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see the black hole he’s hiding in.” Will sucked in a shaky breath as if what he was about to say was incredibly painful. “When we got the call to say he had been injured, Jo, Mom, Dad and I all flew out there to be at his side. Jo had a new baby so that was a big fucking deal. We thought we had lost him once before, and the fear of losing him again...I can’t even describe that to you, Aloura. It was bad though. I’ve never seen my dad cry. He is a pretty laid back kind of guy. He loves us and would do anything for us, but Mom is the emotional one. But that day, when we walked into that small room and saw him – Dad just lost it. I really did believe we had lost him. We were led to believe he’d died years before, but it was real this time.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ryan lived with us from the age of about sixteen.”
“He said.”
Will nodded and continued. “When he was around twenty-one, Ryan was sent overseas to war. We were used to the lack of communication, but this time it felt different. It had been months without anything. Jo was panicking and freaking out, so we paid a visit to Ryan’s...to Mrs Dermont. The evil bitch revelled in telling us he had been killed. We weren’t his next of kin, so it was natural we wouldn’t have been notified. I know his mom was a sick bitch, but lying about that shit. Even I didn’t think she was capable of. Jo lost it, went nuts. My mom couldn’t deal with living in that town, so we relocated. Only it was bullshit. Ryan wasn’t dead. He thought we’d abandoned him. Can you believe he moved into his parent’s house? That place held more nightmares for him than any war, but he lived there all alone. When we found out he wasn’t dead, it was like a part of us that was missing was back again. But he was different, like he was one step into the grave. It’s like he’s waiting for the day...” Will trailed off, emotion clogging his voice.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. Tears stung my eyes as I watched the tumult of emotion cross his face.
“When we got word he’d been injured for real, time stopped. We all needed to be by his side. Once Jo knew he would live, he returned to his family. He had a newborn. We literally got the call an hour or so after Molly was born. Ryan hadn’t regained consciousness, but his vitals were good. So we told Jo to head home.” Will rubbed his forehead. “The first thing Ry wanted of course when he woke was Jo. And he wasn’t there.”
“Did that upset you?”
“I was happy he was alive and awake.”
“But it hurt that he wanted Jo.”
Will rested his hands over his knees and stared out of the window. “I try to fit in with them, but it’s hard living in Ryan’s shadow. He’s everything, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“When we were kids, he was always the best at everything. He was the best damn linebacker I had ever seen, especially being so young. He had girls lining up to be with him, not that he ever seemed that interested. Whatever he decided to do, he excelled at. Ryan never fails. It isn’t an option to him. But I can’t deny it’s nice to finally see someone has ruffled him. You have him in knots. It’s
about time someone got through that thick exterior.”
A small smile touched his lips. I returned his happiness at the teasing in his tone. I didn’t think he was right. Ryan was pissed not ruffled.
“He had this huge family and so many brothers. I kinda envied that, having so many siblings, you know?”
“Yeah, I do understand that to some extent. Harry is the closest thing I have to a sibling.”
“I always wanted a brother like Ry,” he said so quiet it was little above a whisper. He shifted and ducked his chin hiding his obvious embarrassment.
“Do you resent him always being better?”
His head snapped up, and he looked utterly confused.
“Not at all. You can’t resent your hero.”
A lump lodged in my throat at the sincerity in his voice. There was zero malice or distaste in his admiration. Will truly did love his brother.
“I just wish he’d find me worthy as a brother. Let someone care for him.”
“He even pushes you away,” I muttered. I wasn’t sure if he heard me or not. But the deep hollow voice at the door startled us both. I jumped to my feet as did Will. We both stared at the man filling the door. His hands were fisted by his sides and his intense blues were glancing between Will and me. His brow lowered and a dark scowl shadowed his face. Will took a small step towards me, making the darkness on Ryan’s face deepen.
“Did I interrupt your cosy chat?”
“No,” Will assured him. His tone had a note of warning in it. The electricity in the room amped dangerously high and not at all in a good way. I stepped to the side and slightly in front of Will. There was no way I would allow them to fight, and I knew, in no uncertain terms Ryan would never go through me to get to him. A shiver raced down my spine when a blast of icy cold emanated from Ryan’s presence.
“Finished laughing about my pitiful life?” he snapped. The tension in his stance and glower on his face was incredibly intimidating.
“We weren’t laughing at you.” Will interrupted. “You have it wrong,”
“I know what I heard,” he growled, the anger radiating from him pulsed in the room.
“No, your mind twisted what you heard because we said nothing wrong. You’re fucked up if you think we said anything bad about you,” Will retorted.
“Will,” I chastised from the corner of my mouth. Why the hell was he baiting him?
Ryan’s bitter laugh chilled me. I wrapped my arms around myself toward the cold atmosphere away.
“You haven’t even heard fucked up. You want to know what’s inside my head, what nasty things live in there? Fine, you fucking asked for it. When I was four years old, my father started abusing me. I found out why my mother scorned us for wanting our father’s attention. But you had to be special. You had to be his special boy to receive his attention. Chase, me, and Jo were his chosen ones. At five I was regularly drugged so the pain wasn’t so bad when he let his friends play and so I was capable of taking more.”
I choked on a sob and covered my mouth with my hand. Ryan hadn’t lost his dark foreboding expression, but his eyes were engulfed in agony.
“At eight, on my birthday, he introduced friends into our special relationship. He used me to get ahead. Favours, professional progression, the DA with that kind of power over people was invincible.” He reached up and yanked at his cap, pulling it so low on his head I was certain it would tear.
“Funny how some kids have memories of getting their first bike, their first vacation, playing football with their dad, making a stellar catch at their little league games. My memories – I remember how certain colognes smelt, the bitter taste of pills, the stench of sex. I remember crying and begging for them to stop. I remember the hate on my brothers' faces when the courts decided to separate us all. I remember coming home from war to an empty fucking house because my so called family abandoned me.”
“Oh God,” I sobbed. Will wrapped his hand around my bicep and tugged me towards him, giving me a silent show of support.
“Don’t.” Ryan stepped forward, the dark cloud lifting, leaving behind a desperate lonely fear I wanted to banish from his features. “If you need me to stop, I will. But don’t seek his comfort. This is me, Aloura. I’m desperate for you. I ache to touch you, but this is me. I carry this blackness inside me. I’m rotten to the core.”
“The two of us fighting it is better than one,” I said, moved into his space, effectively leaving Will’s hold. He shifted back before I had the opportunity to touch him. “They are the villains, Ryan, not you.” He had let me in, and I wasn’t letting go. Nothing would make me leave him.
“I don’t know why you put up with my shit.” Ryan’s voice was hoarse. The emotion in his words forcing tears to my eyes. He glanced over my shoulder at Will, a loss and fear shining in his eyes.
When there was no reply, I turned to look over my shoulder. Will’s green eyes were misted with emotion, but his stance was manly and unyielding. In that moment I realised the extent of Ryan’s confession. He had finally let his brother in. He had presented us some unspoken gift to Will. I could sense the fight going on in his mind not to lose control of his emotions.
“You’re my brother.” Will choked and ducked his chin.
“Always,” Ryan uttered, the tension between them disappearing, and a new bond grabbed hold and solidified.
I glanced between them. I pleaded with my eyes that Will leave us alone. I knew their relationship had taken a huge turn, but I was selfish enough to want to keep Ryan in my space. The gates had finally been unlocked, and I was walking through. Ryan was mine, and I was keeping him.
When Will left us alone, Aloura closed the door and turned to fix hopeful eyes on me. I knew I’d started something I couldn’t take back, but listening to them talking, confessing shit to each other. Will doubting himself because of me. I couldn’t stand to be the cause of his pain. How could he even begin to feel that way? He was my hero. He was around to pick up the pieces. When Jo needed someone, he was there. I wasn’t.
“Where did you go?” Her voice was so weak and carried note of fear.
“I called someone I used to meet.”
“Someone?”
“A prostitute, a whore. I needed to fuck you out of my system,” I replied bluntly. The coldness of my tone was at war with the heat in my heart, a warmth I couldn’t deny she started. I was burning alive for her. Her gorgeous eyes dimmed before she dipped her chin and closed them. I gritted my teeth, waiting for the explosion, the tantrum of female rage. But nothing came.
“I understand.”.” Painfully slow I watched her walk away from me. I clenched my jaw so tightly it ached. I sucked in a breath and stared at the space she disappeared through. Will said it would work, but fuck, he never said the pain would be unbearable when it did. He said I should give her everything, push her away. I knew the consequences of opening up the Pandora’s box of shit inside my head. But I wasn’t prepared for how it would feel when she went away.
I forced my gaze from the empty doorway. I staggered to the couch and slumped down. My chest hurt with each breath. My shoulders jerked when I felt her in the room again. I turned my head to see her coming slowly towards me. She fisted her hands at her sides as she stood next to my legs. I tried to portray a calm I didn't feel. I kept my legs on the coffee table. She was so close her knee was brushing against my calf. With a shaky hand she reached up and pulled off her glasses and gently placed them on the table.
“Did it work? Am I out of your system?” Her voice was so quiet. “Because I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt you would use another woman to be rid of me. I hate the thought of her touching you.” Her voice cracked, and even though I had caused it, I fucking hated it.
I scrubbed my hands over my head, pulling at the sides of my cap. Did I lie? Or offer her the blunt truth. God, I had never felt like such a fucking coward in all my life. Will was right this was utter bullshit.
“Truth?” I asked hoarsely.
She dipped her chin, an
d her hands trembled by her sides. Knowing I had the power to cause this precious jewel so much pain, terrified me. For a moment I was certain she would shake her head, but like the strong determined woman she was, she squared her shoulders, lifted her chin in the air, and bobbed her head. She was fucking amazing.
“The only women I ever take to bed are paid for. It’s all I’m worth.” I watched her valiantly try to hide the tumult of emotions but her beautiful face was etched in pain. “I called someone I have used before. She’s discreet and easy to be with. She knows what I want, how to give it and never questions me. She provides a service, nothing more.”
Aloura grimaced, and her slender arms wrapped around her waist, hugging herself.
“I got in my truck and headed to our meeting point.”
“It’s okay. I thought I could, but I can’t hear anymore,” she choked, taking a step back. I leaned forward on the couch and held eye contact with her. I reached out and grasped the fabric of her pants, holding onto her. Keeping her grounded to me.
“I drove away from you, to go to her. I got as far as the main gates and had to get out of the truck because I thought I would throw up. I can’t get you out of my head, Aloura, so the thought of touching another woman sickens me. I fuck because my body craves it, but it repulses me. I meet them, let my dick do what I have to, pay and leave. I’ve never had a random hook up in a bar. My one and only girlfriend was paid to fuck me, so I followed a pattern. After I was discharged from the hospital, I couldn’t do it. My head wasn’t the only fucked up thing. I was broken, completely. No longer a real man.” She stared at me with tears glistening in her eyes. Anger boiled inside me. I didn’t need her pity. I needed her to realise I wasn’t the man for her. “My dick stopped fucking working. I haven’t had sex in two years. All you have to do is breathe, and I'm as stiff as a fucking board.”
A gentle giggle drifted in the air.