by Taylor Dean
“Where’s your baby grand?” he asks as he pours milk on his cereal.
“It’s still at Ryker’s. I don’t want to see it.”
“You still have one good hand. You could keep practicing.”
I shake my head in the negative. “I don’t want to. Lately, I’ve just been . . . I mean, I’m really . . .”
“Having a hard time,” he finishes for me.
“Yes.” Why does it hurt to admit it? I feel so weak. It shouldn’t be off-limits to admit to a bout with the Great Big Dark. Like the doctor said, a cry for help should be encouraged. It’s the time when you need people to rally around you the most. I know that now. “My parents think you’ve been here with me. I didn’t want to worry them, so I let them believe it was true.”
“As a result, no one was here with you and you’ve been alone.”
“Not completely alone. I have Artie.”
He rests his forearms on the table. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I should’ve known how down you would feel.”
I shrug like it’s no big deal. “You had your own problems.”
“Mine were expected. Yours were not.”
That’s true. “I’ve lost everything. I literally don’t know what to do with myself.”
“And yet you stayed here in San Francisco. Why, Mila? Why stay here?” he asks again. “Tell me the truth this time.”
“I stayed here for you.”
His eyes blink heavily. “And I haven’t been here.”
“No.”
“I’m here now. You’re my priority, Mila. Nothing matters to me as much as you do.”
“What about Debra and her accusations?”
He scoffs. “Debra’s not an issue. Her irrefutable evidence is ridiculous. Everyone knows it. She skimmed nearly a million from Martel Investments over the past ten years. She needs to be happy with what she has.”
“But the transition . . .”
“Is going smoothly. The hardest part is behind us. Stop worrying about me. Let’s concentrate on you.”
Even with Zane here professing his love, the Great Big Dark hasn’t lifted yet. But I think it will if I give it some time and allow people to help me. It’s all about reaching out and admitting I need help. I can’t keep this bottled up.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” he asks.
“I can’t open the milk carton.”
His breath hisses between his teeth like he’s disgusted with himself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think of that.”
He opens the carton and pours it on my cereal. We both begin to eat. I have to pinch myself to know this is really happening. I’m sitting in a beautifully romantic setting with Zane while eating Lucky Charms, of all things. There’s something so perfect about this moment. It makes my heart squeeze in my chest.
“There’s deli sandwiches, pasta salad, and fruit salad in the cooler, by the way. Lucky Charms are simply the appetizer.”
They’re not just an appetizer. They’re a reminder of us. We both know it. In my emotional state, it’s hard to tell if I’m pleased or not, so I say, “This is perfect, Zane. Thank you.”
We polish off our cereal as darkness falls. My patio looks like something out of a storybook. Utterly charming.
Zane sits back in his chair, observing me thoughtfully. “You look gorgeous in the candlelight.”
My expression must convey uncertainty, because he adds, “I think it’s time for us to have a talk, to be brutally honest with each other.”
“Okay.” I look directly in his eyes, take a deep breath, and let it all out. “I needed you. And you weren’t there.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“You drove away from me. You left me standing on a curb with dust in my eyes.”
“Biggest mistake of my life.”
“Do you know how that made me feel?”
“I can imagine. I’m so sorry.”
I shrug. “You can blame it on grief. I did.”
“I could. But it’s no excuse. The truth is I hated seeing you with Ryker. I was angry.”
“I was there for you. I thought you would need someone. I thought you would need me.”
“I did. I needed you so much. Can you forgive me?”
“I already did.” I hated that moment, but I also knew it stemmed from grief. I’m positive anger wasn’t the driving force. “I saw a doctor today. That’s where I was.”
“And?”
“I . . . should be feeling better soon.”
“Are you talking about your hand?” he probes.
“No.” Why is it so hard to say? “I’m talking about how I’ve been feeling lately.”
“How have you been feeling?”
“Um . . . pretty horrible.” It comes out as a whisper.
“What did the doctor say?” When I’m quiet, he adds, “You can tell me, Mila.”
It takes me a minute, but I finally blurt it out. “She said I have situational depression.”
My announcement doesn’t faze him. “Under the circumstances, it’s not surprising. Have you struggled with depression in the past?”
“No. I mean, I’ve had ups and downs. Nothing like this, though.”
“I’d like to take you home to Idaho as soon as possible, get you out of isolation. I’d like to stay with you, if you don’t mind.”
My face crumples with emotion. “I would like that.” It’s exactly what I need, to be surrounded by the people I love. “But, how can you . . .”
“I’ll work it out. I’ll stay with you for as long as you need me.”
“That would be forever.”
“Done,” he says, his eyes intense.
I look down at my lap. A burst of happiness rushes through me. The sensation feels foreign, but very welcome. All I had to do was reach out. Help has always been there, waiting in the wings.
He hasn’t moved from his chair or tried to approach me. “You’re very far away.” I long for physical comfort.
“If I move closer, we won’t be talking anymore. And I know we need to talk right now.”
I swallow and I’m pretty sure he hears it from across the table. “We do. I have so many questions.”
“Ask them. Ask them all. I’ll tell you everything.”
I love those words. “But you didn’t tell me anything about what was happening in your life. It was all a surprise to me.”
“I’m used to keeping my dealings with Martel Investments secret. I’ve had to for quite some time. It was imperative that I do so. It’s a hard habit to break.”
“Do I know you, Zane? Who are you? The funny and casual man who loves to wear jeans and t-shirts and dance while he cooks? Or are you the stone-faced businessman who wears fancy suits?”
“Can I be both?”
“If that’s who you are.”
“That’s who I am.”
“And are you a man who wants to steal your brother’s girl? Just to win? To spite him?”
“Do you think that’s who I am?”
“No. It never felt like that.”
“Trust your instincts. I promise, I don’t play games when it comes to love. I would never do that to you.”
“Is this love?” I ask, even though he’s already told me he loves me twice. I want to hear it again, need to hear it again. And again and again.
“Are you ready to hear that answer? Because I won’t hold back anything.”
My heart starts to hurt because it’s pounding so hard. I’m not sure what he means, but I think it means he has a lot more to say to me.
“Okay, we’ll get back to that question. Tell me this, why didn’t you say anything to me that night in Ryker’s apartment? You wouldn’t talk to me. I mean, now that I know everything that was revealed with your father’s video, I understand why you couldn’t say what was going on. But the rest . . . I don’t understand.”
“I realize how that must’ve looked to you and I’m sorry. I was so worried we weren’t strong enough to survive Ryker’s antics. The lo
ok on your face, the uncertainty from Ryker’s accusations, it killed me.”
“I just needed reassurance. I would’ve believed anything you said in that moment.”
I swear his eyes glitter at me. “Thank you for that,” he says in a raspy whisper. He leans forward. “You know what? The last thing I want to do right now is talk. I wanna kiss you senseless.”
There’s the Zane I know, saying the things I love to hear in his own way. I want his kiss, and his touch too. But he was right the first time. Once we start kissing, we won’t be able to stop long enough to have a discussion. There are things I need to know before I can give myself to him in that manner.
“Talk first,” I remind him.
He sits back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest, a picture of restraint. “Of course,” he says in his business tone. “The thing is, I couldn’t explain in front of Ryker. Anything I said would’ve been twisted around and thrown right back at me. Over the years, I’ve learned to respond with silence to Debra and Ryker. It’s my way. It takes two to fight, and if I back away, the fun is over for them. Instead, I listen and learn as they reveal more than they realize. Every time.”
He runs one hand through his hair and continues. “I’m sorry my silence hurt you. The truth is, I thought I had plenty of time to talk to you when Ryker was done with his tirade. He always fizzles out quickly. I knew I could explain everything in privacy later, but not right then, not with him watching and listening.”
Zane gathers his thoughts before going on. “I didn’t know that everything was about to change in a big way. I wasn’t expecting what happened next. It was the worst moment of my life, seeing you hurt and in pain, and knowing what an injury to your hand meant. After that, everything caught up with us and spiraled out of our control. It feels like it’s been that way ever since.”
“Not anymore,” I whisper.
“Not anymore,” he repeats. “We’re taking control now. I want this. I want you, Mila. I want to be here for your dark moments and your happy moments. That’s what a relationship is all about; helping each other through hard times. As long as we’re together, we can get through this.”
My lips tremble as I’m overcome with emotion. But there’s still one more question I need to ask, one more thing I have to know before we can move on.
“One more thing.”
He exhales and looks down for a moment. “Go ahead.”
“Is it true what Ryker said about you attending the symphony? You were there to see me? Several nights in a row? Before we ever met?”
He closes his eyes as though he’s in pain. “I know how that sounds. But the answer is yes.”
No. I cover my face with my good hand. “What does that mean?”
It should feel creepy. But it doesn’t. It feels like the most romantic thing in the world. And yet I’m scared of his pending answer, because I don’t want it to be creepy.
Zane approaches slowly and lets Artie jump onto my lap. He takes my hand away from my face and lowers it down.
With his eyes never leaving mine, he slowly removes his suit jacket and tie. I watch him with a greedy gaze. He kneels in front of me and holds my good hand.
“Is this okay? Because I can’t stay away any longer.”
I nod and curse my tears. Except they’re happy tears now. I have a feeling what he’s about to say is going to be good. So good I won’t be able to bear the happiness that’s about to enter my soul.
“What it means is that I’m exactly like my father,” Zane says, in an emotion-filled whisper. “He knew my mom was the one for him long before he actually met her. He watched her for days before summoning up the courage to talk to her. I saw you perform for the first time, and I couldn’t take my eyes off you. The way your fingers flew over the keys, the arch of your back, your smile when you were done performing. I’ve never felt so captivated in my life. I couldn’t stop. I kept coming back for more. I simply wanted to see you. Just having my eyes on you was enough. This was right after Dad had his stroke. I needed something in the evenings, something to fill me. You became my obsession, the thing that brought me happiness during a dark time. I didn’t even think about introducing myself. I was content to watch.”
He gives my hand a squeeze. “Then I had to return to my military assignment. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every day, you were on my mind. I knew when I returned home, I had to try to meet you, and I planned to do just that.” He shakes his head. “You could’ve knocked me over with a feather when I saw you in Ryker’s penthouse that day. I couldn’t believe Ryker went to the trouble of seeking you out. I was floored. I wondered how he could do that to me. And to you. My relationship with him is . . . messed up.”
He reaches out, tracing my cheeks with his fingers, wiping away my tears. “Not only were you seeing Ryker, but you were practically engaged. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. When we started to click, I knew I was on dangerous ground. I tried to hold back, I really did. But when you told me your relationship with Ryker was over, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t anymore.”
“I didn’t want you to.”
“I got that. Loud and clear, and I loved it. The thing is, there’s a reason why I was so taken with you when I saw you at the symphony, that just seeing you in the flesh captivated me. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. You were the one for me, my soulmate. Some inner voice was telling me you were the one from the very beginning. I fell in love with you long before I actually met you.”
“And after you met me?” My voice shakes with emotion.
“Everything that’s happened since has only confirmed what I’ve felt from the very beginning.”
“And what’s that?”
“That I’m knocked flat and turned upside down in love with you.”
That’s a Zane way of saying he loves me. I adore it.
“It’s you, Mila, you. You’re the love of my life, the one I want to marry, the one I want to have children with. I know you think your life is over, but you once told me you had another dream besides the piano. And I want to give you that dream. A houseful of children, made by me and you.”
“Little urchins who get crumbs all over the place and call you dad?” I say, repeating what he said to me a while ago.
“You remember that?” He smiles. “Yep. That’s what dreams are made of, right there.” His face grows serious. “And if you can play the piano again, then wonderful. I believe you will, but if you can’t, we can still find happiness in this life. More than you can comprehend. More than you can contain inside of you.”
My entire body is shaking in response to his words. “I want that too. If I have that, I can be happy.”
“You got it. I’m yours.”
“But, Zane, we’ve known each other for about two seconds and . . .”
His fingers cover my lips. “I know. I know we need more time together. I’m fine with that. But when you’re sure—because I already am—then I want to marry you and give you your dreams. I’m ready when you are.”
I nod, because I can’t speak.
Zane scoots closer and engulfs me in a tight hug. At first, he just holds me. I rest my head on his shoulder and absorb his comfort, his strength. I wish an embrace could make the Great Big Dark disappear. If only it were that easy. Regardless, he infuses me with warmth. And warmth has the power to chase away the cold. The tiny pinpoints of light surrounding us make this moment entirely enchanting.
He leans back and cups my cheeks in his hands. And he finally kisses me. It’s not a soft lackluster kiss. He presses his lips to mine and kisses me with all of his feelings evident in the forcefulness of his kiss, in the passionate nature of his kiss. I can feel his love in his actions.
I allow all of my insecurities to wash away, and I let confidence in our relationship take over. I encircle my arms around his neck.
Without breaking our kiss, Zane wraps one arm under my knees and one around my back and lifts me up, cradling me like a baby. Artie lets out a little whine
at being disturbed, but repositions himself and remains on my lap. Zane holds me, swaying gently with the soft violin music. My head falls back as our kiss deepens and our mouths open to each other. He holds me so close, I don’t know where he begins and I end. We’re one, in our hearts, and in our minds, and in our love.
It’s the moment when I know I’m going to be okay. The days ahead will be hard. But with Zane at my side, I can do it.
My dreams are not over. My life is not over.
This isn’t the end.
It’s the beginning.
This kiss, this amazing, heart-stopping kiss that is sending me into a realm of bliss I’ve never known, this is the tip of the iceberg.
I can’t wait to delve deeper, to explore all aspects of my relationship with this man who has stolen my heart.
Something tells me I have a lot to look forward to.
epilogue
~
Three years later
I SMILE AS I pull the piano keyboard cover closed, pleased with my progress.
I’m not quite back to where I was yet, but I’m close. My fingers on my left hand are still a bit stiff and can’t hit the notes as fast as I’d like them to. Perhaps only the trained ear would notice. My doctor tells me to give it time. She believes I can do it and tells me the end goal is not to play the piano for recreation. Nor does it have to do with everyday mobility of my hand.
I’ve already achieved those milestones.
She wants more for me, and I want more too.
The end goal is to play for the symphony again. She won’t quit until she sits in the audience to hear me play. Ryker wasn’t kidding when he said he’d get me the best physical therapist money could buy. She’s amazing and believes in me.
I believe in me too, and have every intention of making my new goal a reality. I will play with the San Francisco Symphony one day. Mark my words. It might be two years from now, or it might be five. But it’ll happen.
However, other things are tugging on my time nowadays, and I don’t practice as much as I should. I’m happy with the balance between my two dreams. I want both and I can have both. I’m surrounded by family members who support me.