by Will Davis
All right? I say, making both pairs of eyes snap up to me.
Morning, Joni, goes Riana in this knowing voice that makes me want to put me foot into her face. Louise just smiles all smug like always and looks down. I decide to just get it fucking over with.
Yes, I say, I’m a mum, all right? I have a little boy and he’s a year and a half old. His name’s Baby and he’s the most important thing in me life, no matter what those fucking rags say. Got any questions?
Riana puts on this offended look, as if she’d never even dream of asking me about it or thinking anything bad about me, while Louise carries on looking down like she’s just fascinated by Riana’s ankle. They look a bit like a couple of dykes, all wrapped up there with each other, and I’m tempted to say so, but I don’t since the camera’s right behind me and the last thing I need is to get meself into even more hot water.
Right then, I go, like that is that. Tess wants us downstairs in the studio pronto. It’s important.
I don’t say nothing more, just walk back out the room with me head up like I’ve made me point. I go down to the studio where Tess is already waiting, like a queen in the seat at the front of the room where Patty usually sits so she can slag us off while we do our routines. She don’t say nothing as I come in. I take a seat on the floor and we sit there in silence for what feels like a century but is probably only a couple of minutes, till Louise and Riana arrive, both of them grinning away like they’ve just had it off. The cameraman slides quickly in too and goes to stand at the back of the room. Tess stares at him like she’s thinking what a lovely sound his bones breaking would make. She slowly gets up and then goes towards him. It’s only when she’s practically on him that the cameraman takes fright and actually peers out from behind the camera like he can’t believe she’s really coming for him. He’s quite young, not bad, in fact, if you like them barely legal. Tess reaches out and wrenches the camera off him like he’s made of matchsticks. Hey, you can’t do that! he goes in this whiny way, following her and waving his arms around all pathetically as she marches to the door with it. Oh yes I can! goes Tess and tosses the camera outside in the hall. The guy cringes at the crashing sound it makes as it connects with the opposite wall. No sooner has he raced out to get it than Tess slams the door behind him and turns the key. She pants for a few seconds then goes back to her seat all casual like nothing just happened.
Okay girls, she goes, I’ve called you here because of a very serious matter. As you already know, the show has been targeted, either by a single person or a group, and we’ve been subjected to a series of incidents.
At this Riana sits bolt upright like she’s just been tasered. It ain’t really bothered me up until last night when they got into our dressing room and left that weird message with the lippy. That was when it got scary, cos it meant whoever it was had gone and given security the slip. Like they actually got to be pretty smart.
I wanted to talk to you in private about it before we embark upon the final week of the programme. As the person at the centre of all this I want to assure you that the police, security and myself are taking the issue very, very seriously.
As she says this last bit Tess’s voice cracks a little and she looks quickly away and makes this long gulping noise like she’s about to dive into a swimming pool. That’s when I realise something that ain’t occurred to me before, what with being so busy rehearsing and dancing and shit. The mean old shrew is fucking shitting herself.
The police will be coming in to question you later on today, but I wanted to conduct my own little investigation first, just for my peace of mind. This morning I . . . I received another message. I’m not going to repeat its contents verbatim, but the . . . the author of it mentions a life they seem to believe was destroyed by . . . what we are trying to do here.
She pauses like she’s trying very hard to keep it together.
I wanted to ask if any of you can think of anyone who might have a vendetta against Purrfect, or else against me personally. Perhaps because of how they feel about you taking part in the show. I won’t be angry. I simply want to know, woman to woman, if you have any information . . .
The idea of having this woman-to-woman bond with Tess ain’t an attractive one, and you can see Louise and Riana are both thinking the same thing. Then Riana opens her mouth like she’s got something to say, only to close it again when Tess looks at her all expectant with her single hairy eyebrow up on one side of her face. Riana smiles and shakes her head, like she’s just realised that no, actually she don’t know who’s been making these threats after all. Then there’s this long silence, broken every now and then by Tess making snorting sounds like an angry bull. It’s like she’s not going to let us go without getting something out of us, and the longer it goes on the more determined she’s becoming. I’m about to say something before it gets out of hand, like, Sorry Tess, but none of us knows anyone all right?, when I get this crazy idea. What if it was Wend?
I have a rapid think about it. At first it seems just stupid, like there’s no way she’d be capable of doing stuff like that. But then I’d never of thought in a million years she’d be able to double-cross me the way she has, running to the papers with them stories about Shea and about me being a bad mum, or getting with Davy behind me back. I mean, when you get down to it, she ain’t gone about it in no half measures trying to fuck this all up for me, has she? So how far would she be prepared to go?
Louise clears her throat.
Tess, she goes, I’m really sorry, but I don’t think any of us can tell you anything.
Tess turns her stare on Louise, who gives this unconvincing smile like she ain’t terrified of Tess just like the rest of us. Then Tess’s expression softens. Well, not exactly softens, since her features ain’t really capable of that, but they relax a tiny bit, like she’s realised how totally unhinged this little get-together of hers is.
No, she goes all quietly, evidently none of you can.
And as she says it I realise that it’s also totally unhinged of me to be suspecting Wend. Not cos the two-faced little tramp ain’t messed up enough to send a death threat or even to bash the brains out of a pigeon, but simply cos there ain’t no way Wend’d waste a perfectly good lippy scrawling out a message on some mirror. She might be totally different to who I thought she was, but there are certain things you do know about someone.
Well, girls, says Tess, we’re stepping up security, and the police are thoroughly investigating the matter, and it’s important that you know you’re absolutely safe. Remember, you’re in the running to be Purrfect girls, and Purrfect girls don’t let anything stand in their way. The show must go on . . .
She don’t sound too convinced, but she gives us one of her nasty smiles which look more like grimaces and pushes back up her big glasses which have slipped down to the tip of her nose. Just as I’m wondering if now ain’t a good time to try and have another go at explaining what’s going on with me in the papers while she’s all distracted and shit, there’s all this hammering at the door and Joe’s voice yelling for Tess to open up. Acting all slow like she wants us to know she don’t have to do it if she don’t want to, Tess goes over and turns the key. Into the room bursts Joe, followed by Emma and the cameraman and then Michelle.
What’s going on? goes Joe angrily. You can’t just lock yourself in here with the girls and no camera without okaying it first!
Joe’s right, agrees Emma, with her hands on her tiny waist. It’s not professional.
It’s downright arrogant, that’s what it is! fumes Joe, who’s pretty much panting cos he’s so worked up. I don’t care how many silly letters you get sent.
Everyone gasps after he says that, like they can’t believe he could be so mean, and then there’s this long pause. Tess cocks her head to one side like she’s considering how to reply. You kind of have the sense of two cowboys facing each other off in a showdown to see who can be the biggest bitch.
I’ll do whatever I like, she goes finally, because I’
m the one who’s under threat. No matter how much you wish it was you.
She follows up with this laugh. She ain’t laughed once during the whole time I’ve been in this programme, and it’s freaky as fuck to hear, all scratchy and croaky, almost like a cough. Joe’s whole face goes the same shade of pink as the sunnies he’s wearing.
Oh don’t deny it, carries on Tess, suddenly all cool again. Don’t pretend you’re not jealous. You’d give your right arm to have someone stalking you and we all know it. That’s how desperate you are.
For a minute it looks like Joe’s gonna throw himself on her, and in me head I cheer him on, even though Tess’d be able to bat him off with one hand, no probs, given her stats against his. Behind Joe Michelle’s got this smirk on her face like she’s thinking the same thing, and of course the cameraman can’t get enough. But then Emma steps in between them before Joe can start anything.
All right, she goes. Never mind who’s the most stalked round here. There’s another issue that needs to be dealt with right now and that’s got nothing to do with either of you.
She makes sure she’s got both their attention and then turns her head right around the room. Everyone follows her eyes until they’re all looking at me. Oh shit, I think.
Well, what’s she gone and done? goes Tess, all impatient.
Haven’t you heard? goes Joe in this super-sarcastic voice like he can’t believe anyone could be that thick. Haven’t you noticed what’s going on outside?
I’ve had my mind on other things, says Tess, all icy.
Joni, says Emma slowly in this dramatic voice that makes you think she’s about to reveal the most shocking thing ever, is a mother!
Tess don’t even blink.
So what? she goes.
So she lied about it! carries on Joe like he’s explaining it to an idiot. And now the press are shitting all over her! They’re outside the front of the house right now baying for her blood!
I get this picture in me head of a whole army of reporters all camped outside waiting for me so they can boo and hiss and take nasty photos and write even nastier pieces in their horrible papers. I panic and have a quick peep out the window, but all you can see is the wall round the garden, all grey and reassuring. But what if right behind it there’s all these paps? I catch Louise and Riana giving each other these satisfied looks, like they’re just fucking loving all this. Then Louise catches me eye and quickly turns her face away, and I have this chronic urge to give her a good kicking and have to clench me bum cheeks and remind meself I’m saving it all up for Wend.
I mean, what are we going to do? Joe is going.
I can explain – I start to say, but no one’s interested. They’re too busy all yakking at once about how they’re going to be another girl down and what a disaster this is for the contest and how their contracts’ll never get renewed for another series and so on. Real selfless stuff.
Well, Tess says suddenly like she’s been hit by a brainwave, there’s only one thing to do, isn’t there?
Everyone stops talking and looks at her like she’s the Second Coming.
We’ve got to take her outside and make a statement right away.
Are you serious? shouts Joe all super-high like he’s just done one of them gas balloons you used to be able to do at clubs. They’ll eat her alive! She hasn’t even had the most basic training in how to handle the press!
They start arguing about it again, Joe insisting that I’ll only make it all worse and if they’re really going to do it then they’ve got to go through the right channels and do a proper conference. Tess snaps at him there’s no time for that cos it’ll take ages and the longer the press are kept waiting the more difficult they’ll be. Michelle puts in her opinion even though no one asks her for it and tells them that it’s not fair on me cos I’m only a girl, to which Tess goes I must know something about being a woman if I’ve managed to give birth. Emma agrees with her and says it’s the logical course of action, at which point Joe throws up his hands and shouts Fine – but I want nothing to do with it! and storms out of the room. Emma turns to me.
Okay Joni, says Emma, this is your last shot. We’ve got to go out there and turn this nightmare around. Let’s go over what you’re going to say, shall we? Riana and Louise, why don’t you go and get yourselves some breakfast?
Riana and Louise head off out the room, practically floating on their own smugness. I’ll show them, I think to meself. I’ll turn this around and come Saturday they’ll be laughing out their arses when they see how I’ve sneaked up behind them and got into Purrfect in spite of it all.
Soon as they’ve gone Tess and Emma get me to draw up a chair while they go through what I’m gonna say. Michelle watches from behind with this look on her face like she totally disapproves while they sit there firing off questions like Am I a lazy mother? and Don’t I worry about what my little boy will think of me when he grows up? The questions make me all flustered and upset, cos they’re all really negative and cunty, but I do me best to answer them without getting pissed off cos I know that’s how it works. If you get pissed off then they shit all over you. I saw that Heather Mills interview like everyone else. What’s interesting is that at no time do either Tess or Emma actually bother to ask about the real story why I lied about Baby being mine, although at one point Emma does roll her eyes and say what a shame it is when it comes out how old I was when I had him.
The truth is that you’re young and inexperienced, she goes. That’s what’s going to turn this around for you. The fact that you’re doing the best you can.
I am doing the best I can, I want to say, but her and Tess look so serious I don’t risk it. They hit me with another barrage of mean-arsed questions, only this time I’m tougher and make me answers short and simple. It’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it. Soon Emma and Tess are nodding and saying I’m ready.
It’ll be a trial by fire, Joni, says Emma like I’m going to fucking war. You’ll just have to think of it as part of your training should you get into the band. Celebrity means having to face off the media every other day. It’s a gruesome battle of wills but that’s how it works.
And let’s not forget that you did bring it on yourself, adds Tess, like the old witch she is that can’t resist an opportunity to stick the knife in. She raises her voice like she always does when the camera’s rolling and you know she wants them to catch it and use it for the programme. I don’t know why you’d think that having a child would change your chances of getting into Purrfect. I think it’s one of the most wonderful and natural things in the world!
Evil fucking troll. I hold me breath for ten. All the effort to keep from getting angry is making it harder and harder to keep a lid on, and I’m worried that any second I’ll just lose it and go on a full-on rampage. This Tess knows as well as I do that it ain’t true I’d have the same chance if I’d told them about Baby. Like the fact that I’d have to lug around a little boy from gig to gig and always put his needs first wouldn’t make no difference.
Are you ready? goes Emma.
She takes me hand and leads me out of the room. The camera guy follows us. In the hall I have a quick glance back and through the door I see Tess is still sat there staring into space. She looks a bit sad, kind of reminding me of Fat Carol at the last Christmas bash down the local when everyone was up and dancing except for her cos she was too hefty and none of us could be bothered to try and cheer her up. Lonely – that’s what I mean.
Okay Joni – deep breath, goes Emma, stopping me at the front door and brushing me hair away from me face. It’ll be over in five minutes and then you can relax.
I have a big gulp like she says, cos suddenly I’m panicking off me fucking head. But before I can say nothing or chicken out she’s opened the door and is pushing me out in front of her. Up past the end of the driveway you can see them, all these men in leather jackets holding cameras and bits of equipment. As Emma and me make our way towards them they catch sight of us and this excited murmur runs through th
em, like they can’t believe their luck. They start to aim all the equipment at our faces. There’re so many flashes going off it’s like the fucking Blitz.
It’s now or fucking never.
I remember it like it was yesterday. How excited I felt when the woman handed me my ticket. How full of hope I was as I took my seat with all the other girls. How behind those double doors it seemed like wonderful things awaited me.
I was nervous, too. So nervous I went into a trance and didn’t hear when they first called my number. They had to repeat it several times, and it was only because the girl beside me leaned over and touched my shoulder I snapped out of it in time. I can’t help but wonder whether if she hadn’t – if I’d missed my slot and been sent away unseen – I’d still be the same girl today. But there’s not much point in thinking about that. I didn’t miss my slot. I stood up, walked over and handed over my ticket. Then I was shown through the doors and into that room.
Just like now there were two other judges – an ageing Barbie doll and a smug idiot with carrot-coloured hair. I can still see their faces perfectly. Her broad pitying smile and his self-assured grin. But neither of them spoke during my audition. They didn’t need to. She was the one who ran the show – it was obvious the second I entered the room and was caught within the glare of those bulging, dead eyes.
She asked me for my name and the reason why I deserved the chance they were offering. I opened my mouth and a tiny wavering sound came out, like the squeak of a vole. As best I could I tried to explain. I told them about my dissatisfaction with my situation and how I knew this was the opportunity for me to turn everything around. I explained how it was what I had always secretly dreamed of doing but never until now been brave enough to go for. Despite my nervousness there was something about her stare that made me go deeper and reveal things I would never have revealed in any other situation. I told her about the little girl who had always been ignored and second best, and about the woman she’d become, still haunted by the need to be noticed. And I told her about the love that had been missing in my life since Andrew left, which I knew I could find again onstage under the spotlight. Bit by bit I told her everything there was to know, and all the while she sat and listened, her face betraying not a flicker.