by Tessa Teevan
Truth be told, I should’ve given this up after she left without a word, but she’s gotten under my skin in the worst way and I’m desperate to see her again—which is pretty obvious since I’ve found myself at another frat party even though I’d rather be anywhere else. It’s official. I’ve turned into a pussy. I hate feeling this way, and I know it’s time to go. To give up this quest and move the hell on.
As I walk back in from the keg, my ears perk up when I hear that familiar laugh. My heart starts to race as my eyes scan the room, not stopping until they land on her. She’s coming down the stairs, and I barely register the fact that she’s trying hard to adjust her top. Ignoring a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, I start pushing through the crowd towards her. She doesn’t see me, and her face lights up as someone comes down the stairs behind her. I’m stopped in my tracks when some buff dude with perfectly gelled hair leans down and whispers something in her ear, causing her to laugh again—that damn infectious laugh that drew me to her in the first place. A stupid twinge in my heart has me feeling like an idiot, and I’m unnaturally pissed off that someone else is earning that laugh from her when it should be me. But that thought in itself is stupid because we met one night, but we had a connection. Or at least I thought we did.
I watch as her eyes flick around the room, and they fill with surprise when she finally spots me in the crowd. Our eyes lock, and as stupid as it sounds, for a few seconds, it feels like no one else is here. I really should’ve gotten out more in high school, because the feeling I get when I see her gaze on mine is unnatural for an eighteen-year-old college guy. But it’s there. I’m jealous of the asshole by her side. I want to cross through the crowd and pull her out of there so we can listen to the new Eminem album and analyze each track. But instead, I’m frozen in my spot, staring at her like a fucking lunatic who’s never seen a beautiful woman before. A faint, almost hesitant smile crosses her face, and it causes my own to form. Finally. After what feels like forever, I’ve finally found her again. My Ruby.
She’s not yours, asshole. The thought runs through my mind, and as if to emphasize it, the guy behind her slips his arm around her waist and pulls her into his chest as he presses a kiss against her temple. Her eyes leave mine as she turns to look at him, and then she lifts up on her tiptoe to whisper something in his ear. Not to be melodramatic, but I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, considering I was the one doing that just a few short weeks ago. Holding her. Kissing her. Making her laugh. I was the one who took her away from a frat party because she hated it. Okay, so I left the party and she ran after me. But damn, if that didn’t do something to my ego. Knowing she’d rather spend the night with me, a virtual stranger, than hang out with all the frat guys. And in the end, I was the one who took her virginity.
And just like that, I’m doused with a proverbial cold shower as my mind replays over the events of that night. Scoffing and berating myself for thinking she’d want me to be looking for her, I tear my eyes away from her, from them. I down the rest of my beer and turn away, pushing my way through the living room and out the front door, ready to get the hell out of there. This was a mistake. Thinking I could find her was a mistake. Expecting her to want anything to do with me after ruining her first time was a mistake. Holy shit. I’ve been making a lot of damn mistakes, and for a smart guy, I’m not really used to this.
Sighing, I shake it off as I bound down the porch steps. Laughter and music ring out all around me, but I don’t give a crap about any of it. All I can think about is Andi. Apparently, she has her frat guy, and my services are no longer needed. Not that they were worth much, but I thought we’d had a good time for the most part. It’s not like the entire evening was a disaster. Ninety-nine percent of it was incredible, and it kills me that one small—okay, not small—detail ruined the entire thing. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I become.
I know it’s probably the beer, but for some reason, I feel like punching something, but as I look around into the darkness, there’s nothing there to take my anger out on. It’s probably a good thing, because this is unusual for me. I don’t let girls get under my skin like this. And remembering the way I felt when I woke up alone, I decide that I need to be that guy again who doesn’t let girls affect him. The one who doesn’t sit in his dorm room, wondering where she is, what she’s doing, if she’s thinking about him. It’s exhausting, and I have no idea what it is about her that’s affected me so much, but I know I need to get over it. Over her.
I would’ve been better off studying than trying to seek out some chick at a frat party. I wince at the term. Chick. I’m starting to sound like Knox, and while I love my brother, I don’t see women like that. Andi’s not just some hot chick. She’s more than that, but she’ll never be more for me, and the sooner I get used to that, the better.
I start walking down the street to head back to my dorm, kicking rocks along the way like an adolescent throwing a temper tantrum. God, I really need to get a grip. Halfway down the block, I think I hear someone calling my name, but I shake the noise out of my head, knowing that no one from that party, other than Seth, knew my name, let alone would bother following me.
All of a sudden, a body slams into me from behind, nearly knocking me to the ground. When I whirl around, I’m caught off guard to see Andi standing there. Her chest is heaving like she’s out of breath, and I can do nothing but stare, too dumbfounded and confused to say a word.
“Jesus, Cohen. Is this how it’s always going to be? Me chasing after you? That’s the second time you’ve left me at a party only for me to have to chase you down the street.”
I can feel my eyebrows rising in confusion, and my voice rises inadvertently. “What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t leave you anywhere. You looked like you were having a grand old time without me back there. I didn’t want to interrupt and I had no other reason to stick around, so I took off. What else was I supposed to do?”
She reels back and then folds her arms over her chest. I notice that she’s dressed differently. Instead of tight jeans and a concert T-shirt, she’s in a short denim skirt and a halter top that shows off her cleavage. I like the other look on her so much better.
Before I can question it, she responds. “What are you talking about? I saw you for five seconds before you ran out the door without even giving me a chance to say hi.”
“Really, Ruby? You wanted to say hi?” I scoff, laughing at the idea. “You could’ve said hi anytime over the last three weeks. You know where I live. You could’ve sought me out at any time, but you didn’t, did you? I wanted to, but could I say hi? Could I find you? No. And why is that? Oh, that’s right. You snuck out of my dorm room without leaving me any way to get in touch with you, and you haven’t contacted me ever since.” I know my tone’s accusatory, but I can’t help it. Now that she’s here in front of me, I realize how pissed I am that she left without a word.
She at least has the decency to give me a remorseful look, but it does little to calm me. She reaches her hand out and places it on my elbow, and I want to pull my arm away, yet I want her to keep touching me.
“Cohen, look. I know I shouldn’t have left that way, but it was just awkward. You know, after everything? It was easier to slip out before you woke up and things got even weirder between us.”
“So that’s it then? What am I? Your embarrassment? Your dirty little secret? I may not have rocked your world with my dick, but I have a pretty damn good memory of you moaning as my mouth was on you, my fingers inside you. I know I didn’t imagine your orgasm and the way your fingers were gripping my hair relentlessly as you came. But was that not enough? Even after everything, I’m still a failure in your eyes? Oh, but let me guess. It’s all good. Now you’ve got your frat boy who’s probably so much more experienced than I am. I’m sure he’ll do a much better job of fucking you than I did.” Shut the fuck up, Cohen, my brain warns, but it’s too late. The words have all come out and I’m not quick enough to take them back
&
nbsp; She gasps, and I’m not shocked when her palm connects with my cheek. I deserve that slap. I’m being a melodramatic asshole and it’s pissing me off that she can affect me this way.
“I don’t know if it’s the booze or what, but you’re being an asshole right now, and regardless of how I left that night, I don’t deserve your implications. I’m not some tramp that jumps from bed to bed, so you can fuck off, Cohen.”
Sighing, I let the sting of her slap sober me up just a little. I surprise her, and myself, when I pull her into my arms for a hug. “I’m sorry, Ruby. I was out of line, and my mom would kill me if she knew I said that. It’s just… I’ve been looking for you ever since I woke up without you, and I guess I was surprised to see you with someone else already. I know I don’t have any ownership, no right to call you mine, but…that was one of the best nights of my life, and as crazy as it sounds, I’ve been missing you. But it looks like I’m a little too late.”
Her eyes soften and she reaches her arm out towards me, but then we’re interrupted. Almost as if on cue, frat guy walks out to the street and calls her name. She cringes as she turns to him, lifting her finger up to tell him that she’ll be right along.
“Look, I had a good time that night, too. Despite everything.” She has the decency to wince as her words register, but it’s too late. They’re already out and hanging over us like a dark cloud. Despite everything? I thought everything was great except for that small, little hiccup, but apparently, she thinks differently. “We have a lot in common, and you made me laugh more than anyone has in a really long time. I’d really like it if we could be friends.”
With an incredulous laugh, I feel my shoulders fall. “No, Andi. I don’t think we can be friends. In fact, I don’t want to be just your friend. Even after just one night, I know being your friend would never be enough—despite everything, after everything. You’ve said that twice now, and I know it’s always going to be some weird elephant in the room if we continue to be friends. And it seems as if I’ll always be the guy who ruined your first time. Forgive me if I don’t want to stick around and watch someone else give you what I couldn’t.”
“Come on. I didn’t mean it like that. Don’t you think you’re being a little too dramatic? It was one night, Cohen. It doesn’t have to be like this,” she protests, but I stop her.
She’s probably right, but between the beer and the guy staring after her, I just don’t have it in me to agree to be friends with a girl I know I’ll always be wanting from the sidelines. I have enough to focus on with school without worrying about being in the friend zone.
“He’s waiting on you. I guess you’ve moved on. I might as well do the same.” Leaning down, I give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Hey, at least you’ll always remember your first time. Even though it seems like all you want do is forget it. I should probably be wishing for you to forget, but then that means you’d forget me. And I might not have been the best lay, but I made you feel good. I know I did. Apparently, we’ll have different memories of that night. While you remember me as the one-pump, I’ll remember the pretty girl with a personality as fiery as her hair. Maybe one of these days you’ll wake up and realize that night wasn’t such a disaster after all. Until then, Ruby.”
I’m about to turn away when she says my name. “Wait. Cohen. What were you doing at the party tonight anyway? I thought they weren’t your thing.”
Her eyes are boring into mine, questioning, and I’m not sure what she’s looking for. I give a little laugh and shrug my shoulders. “They’re not. But after three weeks, I didn’t know where else to look. I was hoping I’d see you. I guess I should’ve wished for better circumstances. And you know, I’d ask you the same thing, but I think you’d have a different answer, so I’ll refrain. I’m not sure I want to hear it. Take care, Ruby.”
Before she can respond, I turn around and walk away from her, feeling like an asshole and a chump as I wonder if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.
WHAT THE hell just happened? Cohen’s walking away from me, and I’m stock-still, unable to formulate any words. I want to call after him. To tell him that he’s wrong. He wasn’t a disappointment. Okay, so maybe the whole losing-my-virginity thing was, but the rest of the night? Disappointment doesn’t even come close. I was more embarrassed for myself than for him. I mean, what kind of girl was I to just lose my virginity to the first interesting guy I met in college? Maybe I could have handled it better, but I was pretty mortified after the whole thing, and figured he would be, too.
When I woke up the next morning and saw him next to me, I wanted nothing more than to pretend that it hadn’t happened. That I hadn’t grabbed that flask. I wished beyond all hope that we could just go back to being two kids talking about our favorite bands, but I knew we couldn’t. And with Cohen’s promise of a next time, I freaked and slipped out before he could wake up. I didn’t think he’d care. Most guys want that, right? No complications the next morning. A quick and easy departure.
Apparently, I’m an idiot, though, and should’ve realized that Cohen wasn’t like most guys. Even though I think he’s being a little over-the-top, I realize that that night must have really meant something to him, and I start to feel like a jerk for avoiding him all this time and for sneaking out. Despite what happened, the rest of the night had been perfect, and I shouldn’t have let one mishap ruin it all.
Even though I can hear Teddy calling my name, I’m stuck in my spot at I watch Cohen’s figure retreat until he’s out of sight. I want to follow him, to tell him he’s wrong and that, if he wants, we can have a do-over. Instead, I find myself unable to move. He seemed so sure of what I thought even though it couldn’t be further from the truth. I remember his words from that night. His sweet, gentle, caring words as his questioning eyes looked down into mine.
“Are you sure, Ruby? I don’t want you to regret me in the morning.”
As I try to recall exactly what he said, I suddenly feel like an asshole. A huge asshole. He tried to give me an out, but I told him no, that I wouldn’t regret it. And in the end, I snuck out of his room and did what I thought was the walk of shame. He probably does think I regret that night, and I can’t blame him. I didn’t give him any other indication. In fact, I’ve seen him around on campus, but every time, I’ve been a coward and turned the other way, unsure of what to say to him. Not because of what happened or any fault of his, but because of my own embarrassment. As much as Reese tried to make it sound nonchalant, losing my virginity had been a bigger deal than I’d thought, and seeing Cohen around had both butterflies swarming in my stomach and heart palpitations attacking me at full force. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions, and avoiding him just seemed easier. Until tonight.
I’ve been hiding out in my dorm room since that first weekend, and Reese finally got tired of me moping around—even though she had no idea why I had been. She’d questioned me about the party, but she’d been too drunk to notice when I’d left, and since she’d stayed at Cy’s, she had no idea that I hadn’t slept in our dorm.
I’d been going to class and venturing off campus, but that’s about it. I rarely went to the quad after the first time I saw Cohen there. Fortunately, he didn’t see me and I was able to sneak out. After that, I avoided the place like the plague, and when I think back on it, I cringe, knowing that he was right. I have been acting differently. As if he were an embarrassment. But it isn’t him I am embarrassed about. It’s me.
It wasn’t until a few days ago when I was in the back corner of an off-campus records store that I saw him up close and personal again. I’d been looking through the soundtracks when I heard the door chime and just happened to look up to see the new arrival. His messy, blond hair was sticking out of a baseball cap, and I could only see his profile as he talked to some guy he was with. I crouched down when I saw him turn towards me, and I watched as his eyes were scanning the room. I knew he was looking for me. Or, at least, I hoped he was. That hope was quickly replaced by panic, and I froze, not knowing wh
at I would say to him.
Like a coward, I continued to hide until disappointment etched his face and he left without even browsing through a single record. My racing heart started to calm down, but not before I chastised myself for acting like an idiot. I’ve never been shy around guys, and I wasn’t sure why I was acting that way with him.
Sighing, I clutched the special edition Lion King album to my chest, waiting a few minutes to make sure he was really gone. When I felt like the coast was clear, I bought the album, secretly hoping that, one day, we’d cross paths again and I wouldn’t act like a twelve-year-old girl around her first crush. Whoever said things got easier after high school was definitely lying. Why I didn’t grow a pair of balls and seek him out, I don’t know. Explaining the brain of an eighteen-year-old girl is something even I can’t do and I am one.
I was lying on my bed, listening to the album, and wondering when I’d turned into such a sap when Reese unhooked my earphones and demanded that I join her at Cy’s fraternity party. Not in the mood, I tried to beg off, but she wasn’t having any of it. While I didn’t have any desire to go, a silly part of me wondered if Cohen would show up again, so I hopped off the bed and got ready for the night, much to Reese’s pleasure. With a renewed excitement, I let her dress me, almost too provocatively—for me at least—but I didn’t have the strength to fight her when she put me in a skirt I knew I wouldn’t be able to bend over in.
At the party, Reese made quick work of trying to get us both drunk off Jungle Juice, and it wasn’t long before she was dancing clumsily and bumping into me as she spilled her drink all over the front of my clothes. Teddy, Cy’s roommate and best friend, offered to take me upstairs to an off-limits bathroom to clean up, and I was grateful for the offer.