“But nobody’s perfect. What’s there to fear about learning about yourself and maybe becoming a better person?”
“I didn’t get a chance to spend much time with him but my guess is that he’s the type of person who’s incapable of tolerating the pain that goes with self-examination.”
“Why? I mean, he’s such a tough guy with all of his extreme sports and what not. He basically risks his life every time he leaves the house. How can it be any more demanding for him to risk his heart?”
“Oh, it’s much more demanding. The pain of a broken heart is a million times worse than a broken arm.”
I should know that better than anyone.
“In Kurt’s subconscious mind, the pain of self-examination far outweighs the benefit. Let’s take his family for instance. He’s come to believe the way his family operates, the way he was raised, is in good health and, if I’m to take you at your word, it was not. You even said he reprimands you for pointing out their imperfections and hurtful actions. Well, it’s quite common for someone who thinks they’re perfect or someone who thinks life is perfect to lash out at anyone who admonishes those beliefs. For you to be right about his family or for me to question them is too risky for him. It would break his heart and he won’t allow it. He feels safe where he is.”
“Can’t he see how toxic they are?”
“Chrissy, your realities are so very different. Whether he realizes it or not, he probably didn’t come to therapy this afternoon because he knew I would question things he thinks are perfectly fine and his instinct would be to get defensive. You’ve permitted him to react that way, but he knows it would be inappropriate to lash out at someone he hardly knows. Doing so would make your reasons for coming to therapy legitimate and he’s afraid of that. Even if he were to surprisingly acknowledge the imperfections of his family, it would open the floodgates to all the other imperfections that may exist in his life and I just don’t think he can do that.”
“So he’d choose them over me?”
“He’s not even aware of there being a choice, that would be indicative of an imperfect situation and he just can’t go there.”
“So what’s someone like me supposed to do in a situation like this? Keep on going crazy!?”
“It’s probably not what you want to hear, but if you stay with him, you’ll have to try to accept the relationship he has with his family. You’ll also have to accept that he struggles with feeling misery in the face of tragedies like miscarriages and such. And Chrissy, you’ll have to accept that he’ll always choose to see the good in things, even when they might not be so good to you.”
“Right…keep on going crazy.”
“I can see why you’d feel that way. Feeling confused… or crazy… are normal responses to the dynamics going on in your relationship. I remember, in a prior session, you mentioned feeling confused by Kurt very early on in your relationship, and confusion can go one of two ways. You can make it go away by getting away from whatever it is that’s causing it or it can turn into revulsion if you stay attached to it. Since you stayed with Kurt without correcting the things that caused you so much confusion, my bet is that it turned into revulsion right around the time of the miscarriage. And I think revulsion is what ultimately led to certain behaviors that once seemed outlandish and inappropriate to you, like cheating. I’m not saying Kurt’s a bad person who deserved what he got; I’m saying nothing about your reaction to his behavior is abnormal and unhealthy.”
Somewhat amused by her claim, “I’m not healthy at all. I’m a liar and a cheater.”
“Actually, admitting you are those things is what makes you healthy. Hunny, facing the facts about things is always better than ignoring them. Feeling emotions, both good and bad is a healthier way to live. It allows for healthier relationships.”
“Like how facing the facts about my mom changed my relationship with her?”
“Exactly. Your acceptance of her limitations is what allows you to have a satisfying relationship with her now.”
“True, but I’m able to have a relationship with my mom because I don’t expect anything from her. But I do expect a lot from a husband. Accepting Kurt just the way he is won’t make my relationship with him better! I have needs! Look at what not getting them met did!”
“Okay then. But you have to understand that you play a key role in getting what you need. You have to stop caving into his control and his emotional neglect. You have to fight for what you want. And what you want will either be there or it won’t, but the only way you’ll know for sure is if you stop letting him get away with everything that makes you feel crazy and start asserting yourself. You definitely haven’t been helping your cause.”
“Because I cheated on him?”
“No, because you stopped fighting for your right to feel, to dream, to be happy with him! You gave up!”
“I didn’t give up! I brought him to you. You were supposed to teach him how to let me be me.”
“I can’t force him to do anything, Chrissy. I mean look, he didn’t show up today did he? I’m sorry, hunny, but whether or not you want it, you’re the one in control of this relationship, not Kurt, not me.”
And what’s a person who’s afraid of taking control do?
“Sometimes I think it would be easier to give him an ultimatum.”
“What kind of ultimatum?”
“Like, go to therapy or I’m divorcing you. But I can’t really do that can I? He has no clue we’re anywhere near that sort of line.”
“But aren’t you? You barely talk, you don’t sleep together, you obviously resent the hell out of him…”
“And, yet, he’s fine…life’s perfect for him. How can Kurt be so unaware of the line?”
Our marriage has been in shambles since October and yet…he’s fine. Dr. Maria’s right. Why on earth would he sit on this couch and listen to someone tell him everything’s not fine? He won’t. Perhaps taking the cowardly approach and giving him an ultimatum is a way out of the marriage. I won’t have to be the sacrificial lamb and it will allow me to keep my adultery a secret. I certainly deserve the humiliation of it becoming public knowledge, but he doesn’t. An ultimatum might be the only way to protect us both.
“Chrissy, this might hurt, but it’s very important for you to hear if you’re going to dangle divorce in his face. If you two split up, you’re the one who’s going to be a mess, but Kurt will appear to be okay. He’ll always find a way to be fine.”
“But I don’t want him to be fine without me. Just for once I’d like to feel what it’s like to have him miss me.”
“Are you willing to not be fine with him, to prevent the heartache of seeing him be fine without you?”
“That’s a horrible question.”
“Answer it.”
“I want the best for both of us.”
“Right now, it’s bad for you and seemingly good for him, right?”
“Right.”
“The only way to make it good for the both of you is to assertively go after what you need from him.”
“But then it might be good for me but bad for him.”
“We’re going in circles here, hun. Look, you thought you were in this office because you committed an indiscretion with another man, but I think you’re in this office because of Kurt’s inability to accept any responsibility for your unhappiness AND because you haven’t forced him to. And I’m sorry to say, your marriage will continue to deteriorate unless…”
“Unless…I decide to aggressively fight for what I need and I get it or I decide to accept he’s incapable of giving me what I need and I leave.”
“Yes, and if the latter happens, you also need to be okay with it. You can’t accept any behavior and not be okay with it. You’ll be back at square one with your problems and you’ll still be unhappy.”
Leaving her office, I think of how weird it is that Kurt’s unhealthy, albeit subconscious, necessity to live in La-La land rivals my own noxious efforts over the years to make it
look like we did. We are both fucked in the head.
Scoop
June, 1998
I thought for sure I would’ve told Dr. Maria about seeing Leo by now and that she would’ve helped me figure out a way to tell Courtney and Kelly about him. But my plan to ask her for advice was derailed at my last therapy session. She actually made me feel semi-healthy and I just didn’t have the heart to prove her otherwise by admitting to an ongoing affair. So I never told her, and I left her office with my little secret. Suffice it to say, I bailed on meeting my friends for lunch two weeks ago. Nicole wasn’t too happy about that. She threatened that if I didn’t meet them this Saturday, she would tell them about Leo, and she would be sure to suck all of the romance out of the relationship and make me look like a herpes-infected slut. She won.
“I thought we were meeting at Faz. What’s up with this place?”
“I thought it would be fun to meet here for a quick drink. Is that all right, Kel?”
“What’s fun about this place? Look, it’s filled with a bunch of twelve-year-olds.”
“They’re in college Kelly, geez, can’t you just try and have some fun?”
“College people, huh? Is this where you met Leo?”
“Thanks Nicole, way to let me handle this on my own.”
Nicole shrugs her shoulders and says, “It needed to be done, my love.”
“What needed to be done? Who’s Leo?”
“Well Courtney… our little Chrissy here has got herself a boyfriend.”
“OKAY, NICOLE, ENOUGH!”
Kelly looks like she just got hit by a truck and the ever so calm
Courtney asks me if Nicole’s joking.
“Sadly, no. It’s true, and sadly yes, this is where I met him.”
An hour and several awful drinks later, I finish telling them everything about Leo. With my hands flailing all about, I yell at the three of them.
“For fucksake, would one of you say SOMETHING?” Then, in unison they blurt out:
“Tell me you have a good therapist.”
“It’s over, right?”
“Is the sex good? I’m dying to hear about the sex!”
“Yes, Court, I have a good therapist, and yes, Kelly, it’s over. Nicole…you’re a bigger pig than I thought you were.”
I desperately want to tell them the truth: that I’m still seeing Leo, because I need their help strapping myself to the table. I need one of my friends to inject me with some truth serum! But, after seeing the look of total disgust on Kelly’s face, I changed my mind. She can’t handle this.
“The sex, Chrissy! Spill it!”
I’m not sure what stunned me more, Nicole’s question or the punch in the arm Kelly gave her for asking it.
“Jesus Nicole, let’s not disrespect her marriage any more than it already has been. Chrissy screwed up and she’s undoubtedly remorseful. Don’t make her rehash the raunchy details of her mistake.”
“Actually, I’m not as remorseful as you might think, Kelly.”
If looks could kill, hers would. It’s the very reason I didn’t tell any of them about Leo months ago. Their opinion of me matters more than anything in the world.
“Of course I feel like a failure for not being true to Kurt. He doesn’t deserve what I’ve done. But if I didn’t meet Leo that night, I might’ve been stuck in a really bad place for a really long time. Worse, I probably would’ve brought kids into the picture. And, for the record Kelly…nothing about my time spent with Leo could be classified as raunchy. Yeah, I’m beating myself up for so many things, but not so much for my time spent with him. I dunno guys, I feel like he was the jump start on life I needed.”
“Jesus, how would you feel if Kurt did this to you?”
“That’s a funny question, Kel. Okay, it’s not as funny as it is sad really. Kurt never would’ve cheated on me because for the last twelve years I told him every single day how much I loved him and that I’d be lost without him. He got the love that kept him from doing what I did.”
“And you didn’t?”
“No. I was lost all along and didn’t even know it.” None of them look moved by what I’m telling them.
“The bottom line is Kurt’s had security in knowing how appreciated he was in our relationship. But me, I’ve been like a dog begging for attention, and I even pretended to be someone I’m not to get it. Everything about the last twelve years has been a lie, I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. For God sakes, haven’t any of you noticed how much I changed after high school?”
“We just thought you grew up.”
“Yeah, we thought you were happy.”
“Nope, I was a fraud.”
I totally appreciate Nicole and Courtney’s concerned nods. Kelly though, she looks like she needs more convincing that I haven’t lost my mind.
“Geez, Kelly, you gotta give me a break. I didn’t do this because I’m a whore. You have no idea what it’s like to be married to someone who never makes you feel good enough, won’t talk to you about the things that are important to you…makes you feel lazy.”
“Kurt’s a good guy, though. He didn’t do all of that stuff intentionally.”
“I know that. That’s what makes what I did so awful. But, I didn’t plan for it to happen…it just happened.”
“So you had no clue you wanted another man until the very moment this Leo person sat down next to you?”
“Not a clue, Courtney. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. Look, I wanted what you guys had, and I created such a false sense of reality that I fooled everyone for the longest time, even me. But reality caught up to me and I’m trying to do the right thing now, whatever the right thing is.”
We finally make our way over to the restaurant, and during dinner I tell them everything I told Dr. Maria a few sessions ago. I tell them about Kurt’s control over my free time, my food choices, my wardrobe, and the tremendous amount of guilt he lays on me when I try to have a say about any of it. I also tell them that he bailed on therapy. They reacted exactly how I thought they would. Nicole believed my every word and while sad for my pain, she told me she was excited for what my future may hold. It was cop-out encouragement. Courtney told me that every marriage has peaks and valleys and that she’ll pray for Kurt and me to get through our troubles as better, more loving people. Whatever the hell that means. And as expected, Kelly said nothing. She grabbed the check to divide it by four and went on and on about getting home before her kid went to sleep. At first I was mad, but she was right to say nothing. What can you say about something you don’t understand? One thing’s for certain though, none of these chicks are gonna strap me to a table and inject me with truth serum anytime soon. What’s going on with me is so much bigger than their ho-hum lives, and they’re gonna make sure their hands stay clean of my mess to keep them as ho-hum as possible. Like I said before, buncha pansies.
“Wait, Kel, I have one more thing to say before you leave. In a lot of ways, I know I’m messing up your lives too. The four of us plus our husbands have shared a lot together. I’m upsetting the balance and I so badly want to apologize for that, but I have to stop taking responsibility for other people’s happiness and concentrate on my own. We were close before our husbands came along and we will be when they’re gone.”
In true Nicole style she adds, “Statistics say that one out of every four marriages ends up in divorce, so I guess we should be thanking Chrissy. It looks like the rest of our marriages are safe!”
Laughing for the first time in a long time, I add, “You know I heard the same statistic about cancer.”
Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me…
Make up your mind
And I’ll promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
(Possum Kingdom, The Toadies)
Stoned
June, 1998
Thank God for my journal writing. That book has become my at-a-glance life-saver at least ten times in the last week
alone. Yesterday, just as I was wrapping up a meeting with Slutty Co-worker, Kurt pulled into the parking lot to surprise me with Taco Bell. I guess to him nothing says “I love you” and “I’m trying” better than a chalupa. Anyway, just as Slutty Co-worker was scrambling to run away, I said, “No worries!” and handed her the last two pages of my journal. In a jiffy she was up to date with my fraudulent life and she was able to have a stress-free conversation with Kurt. Everything was moving along quite nicely until she started flirting with him and then I had to ask her to leave. So yes, thank God for my journal. Not only is it a place to write about and reflect on the horrible things I’ve done, it’s also makes it easier for me to get away with my deviant behavior until I figure out how to stop it.
Despite Kurt’s valiant effort to supply me with a diet that consists mostly of disgustingly yummy things like high fructose corn syrup, MSG, and salt, things have become tenser than ever at home. We got into it pretty good when I grilled him about not showing up to his therapy session. His reason for not showing up was… drum roll please…he doesn’t think he’s the one with the problem. That’s it, case closed, have some French fries and figure it out on your own, Chrissy. Then he was off to climb Mt. Everest or something. Dr. Maria was 100% right when she said everything will always being fine for Kurt. It’s been about three weeks since that argument and I think three weeks since we’ve spoken a word to each other.
Regardless of Kurt’s nonattendance, my therapy sessions having been moving along quite nicely. There hasn’t been any mention of saving my marriage or of Kurt’s happy-go-lucky attitude. I decided to leave it all behind and focus on why it matters so much to me what people think. Dr. Maria thinks it stems from trying to please Kurt so much when I was a teenager and that eventually it became second nature to me to bend over backwards for everyone. But Kurt and I don’t share relationships with my professional contacts, and so work is the only place where I’m authentic Chrissy and it’s no wonder I’m happiest when I’m there. No one at work knows the people in my private life, and no one in my private life knows my people at work. If they were to ever cross paths, there would be total confusion in both camps. My work people would be flabbergasted to see me act like a pushover and my personal relationships would be shocked to see me act like an unwavering leader. My work life is my last salvation.
The Life List (The List Trilogy) Page 19