That hurts.
“I don’t want to hurt Kurt.”
“You will if you decide to leave him or if he finds out you cheated on him, but like I told you before, he’ll be fine too.”
That pisses me off.
“Okay then… I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
Dr. Maria sits up, takes her glasses off, and stares at me for a second before she speaks. I think she just officially got tired of me.
“Understand something, Chrissy. If you decide to break up with Leo and stay married, you will hurt. If you decide to leave Kurt and still break up with Leo to avoid the shame of lying to him, you will hurt. If you decide to leave Kurt and come clean with Leo about being a married woman, you will hurt.”
I throw my hands up in the air.
“Well shit, I guess the good news is there are only two options now, because I can’t stay married to Kurt, not with the feelings I have for Leo!”
“What I’m trying to tell you is that no one in this charade will be able to avoid getting hurt, you especially. I say you especially because you’re the only one in this mess who knows the whole truth. Plus, I know you’re not an adulterous person at heart, and you’re grappling with choices that might expose you as one. But, Chrissy, your choice should not be one that you think will hurt less; it has to be the right choice.”
“So you’re saying I should risk telling Leo about my marriage?”
“Does that feel like the right choice?”
“Yeah, if I thought he wouldn’t hate me. But…no, no, no, I can never tell him! He thinks I’m special…perfect.”
“Well he’s an idiot then.”
“Excuse me?”
“You might be the perfect fit for him, my dear, but no one’s perfect.
Trust me, if he’s with you long enough, there will be plenty of things about you that bug the crap out of him, and vice versa. Chrissy, when you go from one relationship to another, you just trade in one set of problems for another. Of course, the hope is that you’re with someone you can actually solve them with. You two might even stand a chance if you realized that.”
Wowie, she’s actually frustrated with me.
“Did you ever think he might not hate you if you told him you’re married? He might even be relieved for knowing the real reason he can’t spend more time with you. Lord, you’re probably making him a little crazy too.”
“He can’t know! No one else can ever find out that I cheated!”
“Chrissy, everyone makes mistakes.”
“It’s shameful.”
“Sure it is, but what do you think is more shameful, leaving an unhappy marriage or staying in one?”
“I just told you I don’t want to stay in the marriage! I can’t turn into Francesca!”
“Okay, and I’ll help you with that. But do you really think you can give up Leo without exploring the possibilities with him, especially once you’re a single woman?”
She’s saying everything I didn’t want to hear. Now I know why it took me so long to come clean with her. Fucking table, fucking straps, fucking truth serum.
“Hunny, if I told you breaking up with Leo was the right thing to do and I recommended you do it tonight, you’d find a reason to put it off. And even if you told me it was over, you’d probably be lying to me. Don’t you see, you have to stop lying to yourself so you can stop lying to everyone else.”
She knows I’m an addict too.
“I know and right after I stop lying to myself, I have to stop lying to Kurt. We’re not gonna live happily ever after and the sooner he knows the better, because he deserves a chance at happiness with someone else. Problem is, I’m not strong enough to admit to him and everyone else that I’m a failure.”
“Forget about everyone else. Public opinion and the pain associated with it is short lived in our culture. And besides, whoever wants to convict you of breaking some kind of moral code is either guilty of something worse or not worth your friendship, so screw ‘em.”
“I wish you could understand how hard this is for me. I don’t know what it’s like to be without Kurt. I’ve never been alone! What about all of our stuff, our dog, our house? I’ll have to take ten steps back in my financial security and the thought of that makes me FREAK OUT like you have no idea.”
“Come on, Chrissy! Don’t you think what you’re doing now with the sneaking out of the house and the lying and the cheating requires a hell of a lot more balls than being on your own?”
Shit, when you put it like that …
“Tell me, what’s more overwhelming, admitting you made a mistake or being on your own?”
“I guess admitting I made a mistake.”
“Are you willing to hand over your life to judgmental people, people who most likely have just as many problems as you, because you’re scared of admitting a mistake? Because that’s what you’re doing; you’re giving other people control of your happiness.”
“What if I end things too soon, like right before Kurt decides to get therapy or confess his undying love for me or something? Maybe, like you said, he gets the sense I’m straying and decides to do whatever he can to make me happy.”
“First…” She starts laughing. “Men very rarely do whatever they can to make a cheating spouse happy. And second, Kurt hasn’t done any of that stuff so far, so what makes you think he will now?”
I hate her so much right now.
“But all right, Chrissy, let’s say Kurt did do all of those things. What if he poured himself into therapy and professed his undying love to you? Would it change your opinion of the marriage or do you think it would prolong the agony of it?”
I sit in frustrated silence.
After a long pause Dr. Maria starts back in on me.
“Want to know what I think? I don’t think you’re as afraid of admitting your own failures and mistakes as you are of exposing Kurt to his.”
Where’s that fucking box of tissue.
“Yep, I think you’re still trying to protect him from stuff you think will hurt him.”
“Maybe you’re right, but you have to understand, he’s never failed at anything! I’ve never even seen him hurt before. I always wanted to be the one to help him when those things happened, not be the one who caused them!”
“But hunny… if this marriage falls apart, he won’t think he failed and he won’t show hurt, not the way you’d expect him to anyway. Just like it’s always been with the two of you, the failure and the hurt are the things you’re going to own and feel, not him.”
“But I need him to understand why all of this is happening. I want him to admit some responsibility for all of this and be sorry we ended up this way, but I don’t know how to make him do that.”
“It’s not your job to force him to admit anything. It’s your job to take responsibility for your happiness.”
“No one will ever believe me when I tell them he failed me.”
“Why do you have to tell people anything?”
“I don’t want to be the bad guy.”
“There’s no bad guy here, Chrissy. What you’re experiencing happens all the time. In fact it happened to me, and yes, it’s painful, but it’s not tragic. The real tragedy is when folks don’t face the facts but instead turn their cheek to them and pretend everything’s okay. You see those people every day, and they’re the ones you look at with pity and hope to God you never become one of them.”
I think about Kurt’s family, the people he reveres, and the hair on the back of my neck stands straight up.
“The people I’m talking about aren’t bad people, but they’re pitiful because they’re unable to notice when they’re at a crossroads and have to decide something really important, something life changing. They’re completely oblivious when life asks them a question, much like the tough questions being thrown at you now. They don’t make decisions. They forge on, and with each day it becomes more and more difficult to admit they screwed up because it’s too painful to go all the way back to the firs
t wrong choice; the space between then and now is too great. It becomes too hard to accept the fact that they’ve wasted precious time and energy. So they either keep on pretending that everything’s okay or they become bitter, sad, uninterested, depressed. You name it and you don’t want to be it.”
“Dr. Maria, can I tell you something kind of ridiculous?”
She’s got to be thinking, what could possibly be more ridiculous than everything you’ve already told me? She nods her head.
“You just mentioned something about being oblivious when life asks you a question and it reminded me of something that happened the night I met Leo.”
“Go ahead.”
“It’s weird.”
“It’s okay.”
“I talk to my dead grandfather a lot- my dad’s dad. We were really close when he was alive. I used to talk to him about work stuff and junk like that, but after the miscarriage, when things felt very wrong between Kurt and me, I started asking him for signs that we were meant to be together. One night, when Kurt was away for work, I got down by the edge of my bed and begged my grandfather for some kind of hint that things would get better…I was so lonely, and I was scared I was gonna feel like that the rest of my life. In the middle of my chat with him, if that’s what you want to call it, Kurt called. I thought the call was some kind of positive sign from my grandfather, and I lunged at the phone with happiness and optimism I hadn’t felt for a long time. I said ‘Hi babe! You’re never gonna believe what I was just thinking about!’ Do you know what he said?”
“What, hun?”
“He said the call had to be quick because he was running late for a dinner thing; that he was only calling because I told him to. He didn’t even say hello. I thought, what kind of fucked up sign is this? And then it hit me: this is my sign! It’s my sign that I’ll never get what I need from him. I’ll never get my ‘hunny, baby, sweetie, I’ll always take care of you, you can count on me’ thoughtfulness.”
“What happened next?”
“The revelation shocked me and I became silent. Kurt asked ‘What’s wrong this time?’ And…well, that just sent me over the edge. For the first time since knowing him I wanted to tell him how disgusted I was with him. Then I wanted to tell him how sad the disgust made me, but when I opened my mouth to talk all that came out was, ‘I feel dead inside,’ and I kept saying it over and over again. The more I said it, the louder I got and the louder I got, the more crazy I became. He got mad, told me to take St. John’s Wort, and hung up. But I couldn’t stop. The words kept pouring out of my mouth long after he was gone, ‘I feel dead inside, I feel dead inside, I FEEL DEAD INSIDE.’ I was hysterical. Eventually, I calmed down and cleaned myself up. In an effort to cheer me up, my friend convinced me to hit the town with her. Four hours later I was sitting next to Leo at a bar where I overheard him talking about ghosts.”
Clearly, she’s not following me.
“You know how you just spoke about the importance of being aware when life asks you a question?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I didn’t feel like life was asking me a question when I sat next to Leo, but I sure felt like death was answering one. When I looked into Leo’s eyes that night, I felt like I was looking into the eyes of my grandfather and he was answering all my questions. I felt like my grandfather was giving me a gift. The gift of Leo. Have I totally lost my mind to put so much faith in that way of thinking?”
“Sounds to me like you’re putting faith in faith, and that takes a lot of courage.”
“That’s the funny thing. I don’t have a lot of faith. I don’t even believe in God.”
“Sounds like you believe in something. I think when we start asking meaningful questions to any kind of higher power, ghosts included, we subconsciously start to look for the answers ourselves. If you never asked your grandfather for a sign, you probably would’ve been oblivious to Leo’s presence. Instead, you were more aware of your senses and your surroundings that night. I think you were on the lookout for answers. Do you think Leo was an answer?”
“I do.”
“Well then, what happened was magical and dare I say…spiritual.”
“It makes perfect sense to me, but I wouldn’t even know how to explain that to anyone.”
“You sure are pent up on what everyone else thinks aren’t you? Let me tell you this- Once there’s some space between you and Kurt, you won’t care what anyone thinks. I imagine you’ll be how you are at work in every area of your life, and won’t that be refreshing?”
I slump back into the couch because it all seems so overwhelming. She just lost me, and she knows it.
“Chrissy, do you want children?”
“Very much. I’m almost twenty-nine. What if I never meet someone to start a family with?”
“So you don’t think it’ll work out with Leo?”
“Nope.”
“Because it’s too good to be true or because you’re too afraid to be honest with him?”
“Both.”
After a long glance down at her notes she looks back up at me over her glasses.
“You’re adamant that you don’t want to be Francesca, right?”
“Right.”
“And you believe Kurt deserves a chance to find happiness with a woman who loves him for who he is.”
“Yes.”
“Okay, but let’s say your fear of failure, your fear of being exposed as a cheater, your fear of not meeting another man to have a baby with wins over and you decide to accept a life like Francesca’s. Let’s say you decide your happiness and Kurt’s happiness isn’t as important as confronting your fears, and you decide to stay married.”
My mouth is literally gapping wide open.
“It’s a real possibility you know…I mean…those are big fears you have to get over so that everyone can get on with their life. And since eventually you want to have children, I guess Kurt will be your only chance at having them, right?”
Why have I not considered that?
“At what point do you think you’ll be ready to have children with him?”
I haven’t thought about having a family with Kurt since…I don’t even know when. I’m staring at her as if a pilot just said, “Brace for impact.”
“Hunny…if you were to stay married to Kurt, at what point do you think you’d be ready to have children?”
“I don’t…I…I don’t want to have kids with him.”
“And why not?”
“I won’t be a good mother.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ll never be able to be myself and…”
“And?”
“And I’m in love with someone else.”
Dr. Maria leans back in her chair in a “my work here is done” kinda way, and I sigh heavily, because my work is just beginning.
Game Over
July, 1998
When I started therapy, I compared myself to Francesca because of my affair, but I think it was a subconscious fear of being stuck in an unsatisfying marriage for the sake of my yet-to-be-born children that made me connect with her the most. I truly believe Francesca would’ve followed her heart…her love, even if it meant leaving a man who most considered to be a perfectly good husband, if it wasn’t for her children. I believe she would’ve found a way to correct the mistakes of her past and allowed herself to have a more fulfilling future…if it wasn’t for her children. But Francesca didn’t do either of those things and I think her choices probably reflect a majority of married women out there and it makes me very, very sad. For a long time I thought I was in a relationship that set me apart from the Francesca’s of the world, but, I’m not, and I didn’t become aware of it until the miscarriage. I know now why I wasn’t sad when it happened.
Subconsciously I knew if I had kids with Kurt, my life would be over.
That’s why I was grateful for the miscarriage, the reprieve. I guess I thought it would give me a chance to fix whatever was wrong with us. But Leo came around before I go
t a chance to wrap my head around it all. And after meeting him, the only way my marriage could be fixed was if Kurt became him, something I closed my eyes and wished for everyday. But when Dr. Maria looked at me like I was a fucking moron for wishing something so retarded, I decided it was time to get my head out of my ass.
Yes, I had an affair just like Francesca did, but if I decide not to have kids with Kurt, I can be unlike Francesca in more ways than I’m like her. And I immediately wanted to start celebrating all our differences instead of condemning our similarities, but instead I went to a B&B in Napa to celebrate my wedding anniversary. I guess my head is only partially out of my ass.
“Chrissy, what the hell is the matter with you? You won’t hold my hand, you won’t talk to me…Jesus, you barely even look at me. Do you realize what I’ve done to make this trip fun for you?! I got a massage from a guy, went window shopping for TWO HOURS, and I just spent a hundred and sixty bucks on a dinner that consisted of about two ounces of beef, four carrots, and a potato the size of my big toe! I’m trying as hard as I can to be patient, but c’mon, you gotta throw me a bone.”
But I couldn’t. I’d been throwing him bones for too long and I simply ran out. So right there, as he was trying to bust a move on the canopy bed at the B&B, I said, “down boy.”
“I can’t do this Kurt.”
I remember a time when all I wanted was to have sex with him; sneaking into his bedroom in high school, checking into sleazy motels when they were all we could afford. Doing it at youth hostels in Europe and on the beach the day we got engaged. I’d do it with him whenever I could. But I can’t do it with him anymore.
“But, I’m your husband.” “I don’t feel like you are.”
“God, I’m so sick of this! What the fuck do you want from me?! You say you want me to do things that I think you might like, so I give you this trip to Napa and this is what I get in return! Seriously, tell me…what the fuck do you want from me?”
“Nothing.”
“You said doing nothing is what caused all our problems!”
The Life List (The List Trilogy) Page 22