“Chrissy, you okay?”
It was Kelly, the least intoxicated of my three friends.
“I don’t think so.”
“What can I do?”
“Tell me what to do.”
“I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“No, I really need you to tell me what to do! I feel like I’m the paralyzed one right now! I can’t breathe. Tell me what to do! Someone has to tell me what to do! Omigod, I feel like I’m gonna pass out.”
“Here, sit down.”
“Kelly, I can’t do this. I’m not the cold-hearted bitch you think I am. If I go in there and see him strapped to a board, bleeding…paralyzed! I’ll have to go back. I, I, I…I can’t turn my back on someone I love like that. He’ll need Francesca! I’ll have to be Francesca!”
“Francesca?”
“You don’t understand, the last year and a half has been so hard. To get my freedom, I had to cut everybody off… him…you guys. I didn’t want to, but I knew if I didn’t, you’d all convince me to go back to a life that wasn’t right for me.”
“I know that now.”
“But I can’t cut this off! I’m gonna have to take care of this!”
“Chrissy, you didn’t do this to him. Not wanting to be married to him has nothing to do with this accident.”
“But I’m still married to him! You heard the doctor, he’s been asking for me, ME! His mother is out in that hallway waiting for a report from ME! How the hell do I distance myself from that now without being a monster?”
“You’re not a monster.”
“Kel, I want to go to him because I care about him, but what about after that? I mean, what if he’s really, really hurt?”
She shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head and says, “I dunno.” I dunno? Kelly’s a good friend to be by my side but she’s like Kurt in so many ways. She states the obvious but when hearts need to be laid on the line, she’s dismissive. After a not tight enough hug, she walks away. I brush the tears off of my face and take a deep breath before I enter the hospital room.
“Kurt? Can you hear me?”
His face and hair are covered with dirt. His motorcycle gear is ripped to shreds, some of it caused by the fall and some of it caused by the scissors used by the EMT’s to get to his wounds. He has a brace around his neck and his forehead is taped to the board his limp body is laying on. He slowly opens his eyes and smiles up at me. His teeth are covered with dirt too.
“Sorry to ruin your trip.”
“Don’t worry about it, I wasn’t having very much fun anyway. Oh gosh, don’t laugh. The doctor said you aren’t supposed to move.”
He wiggles his right fingers to motion me to touch them.
“Hey, good to see those things are working.”
Squeezing my hand tightly, he whispers, “It’s my legs.” And then I see a solitary tear travel down his cheek.
“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Let’s just see what the x-rays say before we get all crazy, all right?”
“All I could think about was you, Chrissy. As I was falling, when I was in the helicopter…all I could see was your beautiful smile. I don’t want to lose you. I need another chance to make things right.”
“Shhhhh, just rest. We’ll get it all figured out.”
“I love you so much.”
“I know. Love you too.”
I wonder if he realizes the painful difference that was unmistakable to me all those years.
Two hours later, I wander out into the hallway. The nurse informs me that my friends booked a room at the hotel next door and would be waiting for me there. I make my way over to Kurt’s mom and give her the news. Kurt indeed has a severe contusion with marked swelling to the spinal cord, and he has multiple herniated disks. Right now he has limited use of his legs but with surgery, steroids, and physical therapy, he should be able to regain full use of them. It’ll take a few months, but with hard work and dedication, which Kurt’s committed to doing, he’s gonna be fine…maybe. I give her a hug, promise to return in the morning and resignedly leave to meet up with my friends.
“Okay…it’s not as good as we wanted, but it’s not as bad either, Chrissy.”
Nicole rolls her eyes at Courtney’s glass is always half of some bullshit comment and says, “We don’t matter. What do you think of everything, Chrissy?”
“There’s a really good chance he could get back full use of his legs. Of course it’s good.”
They could give two shits whether I think Kurt’s recovery is good or bad, they only wanna know what part I plan on playing in it and they’re too afraid to ask. They’re just staring at me.
“Guys…relax. Once he gets released, I’ll take him back home and stay with him until he gets better. It’s okay, I’m fine with the decision.”
“What if he doesn’t get better?”
“I dunno, Nicole, I haven’t thought it through. Helping to rehabilitate a partially paralyzed soon to be ex-husband was never on that list I made when I was sixteen. I just gotta take this day by day.”
“That’s a good attitude, Chrissy.”
“Yeah, and it only cost me about five thousand bucks in therapy and yoga to get it.”
“I have a question.”
I roll my head up at Nicole in a way that tells her it’s her last.
“What would you do if Leo was still in the picture?”
They’re on the edge of their seats waiting for my answer, and I think long and hard before I give them the best one I can think of.
“I’m starting to get the feeling that obligation will always kick love’s ass. It’s good he left when he did.” Without changing my clothes, I pull the blanket over my head and quietly start to cry. I’m not sure which one of my friends it was who rubbed my back until I fell asleep.
Buckaroo
February, 2000
The drive home from the hospital two months ago reminded me of the drive on the night Kurt convinced me to leave my parents’ house and go back home with him…Well, except this time his legs didn’t move. Even so, he was all smiles. He didn’t even care when he had to boost himself up from the wheelchair, balance the entire weight of his body on his crutches, and wriggle his way into the passenger side of the car. He was just happy to be with me and on our way home. On the long drive, he gabbed about all the things going on with our neighbors that I didn’t know about since I’d been gone for so long. He got me up to speed with his job, and told me about his promotion to Vice President of International Sales, and he apologized for the Kayla fiasco…sort of. There was no admission of grossness for bringing her back to our house and no confession of a double standard about going to Mexico with her. And also not surprising was that there was zero mention of Leo. Everything was one hundred percent positive and great. He was one hundred percent Kurt…but again, without the legs.
Moving back home allowed me to make up for a lot of the horrible things I did to Kurt over the last two years. Obviously nothing I do will ever erase all of the indecencies, but helping him get dressed, driving him to work, to physical therapy, even taking him to the shitter…all of it was penance for the crimes I had committed against him. And I didn’t resent a second of my time with Kurt, either, because I knew that seconds were all we really had left together. No, no, no, he didn’t die! In fact, after two months of intense physical therapy, spinal fusion surgery and gallons of steroids, he’s almost totally rehabilitated. I’m sure he wishes the same could be said about our marriage, but it can’t, and he realized it the moment we walked into the house after that long drive home from the hospital that December morning.
“Where’s all your stuff?”
“Right there.”
“That’s just a suitcase. I mean where’s the furniture, the dishes, all the stuff you moved out with?”
“At my cottage.”
“Why?”
“I’m not moving back here, Kurt. I’m staying with you for as long as it takes to get you better, but my cottage is my home, and I’m
keeping it.”
“Babe, I meant everything I said to you at the hospital, and I’m gonna make it all up to you.”
“Make all of what up to me?”
“You know, making you feel more appreciated…cherished. All the stuff you and Dr. Maria talked to me about that one time.”
“How are you gonna do that?”
“Why are you being so antagonistic about this? I’m saying good stuff!”
“Kurt…please…”
Seeing him struggle to turn around in his wheelchair to face me almost makes me hold back what I have to say. Almost.
“Let me finish and then you can get as mad at me as you want.”
“Fine.”
“However you plan on making me feel cherished…it won’t be enough. However much you try to open up your heart to me… it won’t be enough. Whatever wonderful things you try to do and say to make me forget about everything I’ve learned about myself, none of it will be enough to erase it.”
“You don’t know that!”
“Please…for so long, I thought you were holding out love for me in order to control our relationship and it drove me CRAZY insane. And I thought if you could just learn how to stop being so damn controlling, we could magically be that perfect couple I always wanted us to be.”
“I NEVER held out my love for you!”
“I know that now! From the start you gave me 100% of your heart. You cooked good food for me because you wanted me to be healthy. You took me on adventurous trips and encouraged me to try things I’m afraid of because you thought I’d feel the same rush as you and you wanted me to experience that joy. You bought me camping gear and roller blades and bicycles because you wanted to do all of the things that you love… together, as a couple. You didn’t want to talk about really painful stuff with me because I think you wanted to protect me from the kind of pain it caused you. Those are all the ways you tried to make me feel appreciated and cherished and I see that now. That’s why I’m here.”
“Then why would you leave?”
Telling him all of this with two good legs would be hard enough, but doing it now when he’s so helpless looking is horrendous.
“Kurt, for some lucky lady your 100% is gonna be more than she ever dreamed of, but for me, it’ll never be enough.”
“I don’t want another lady. I want you.”
“I know and for a really long time, I fought those same feelings. It’s hard, but you have to believe me, when you find the woman you’re supposed to be with, it’ll be like peace and sanity and relief and safety wraps around you like a cocoon and all the things you ever thought you wanted no longer exist because she’ll be all you ever need. Everything will feel calm…comfortable. Like a dream come true. You have to believe me. Please tell me you believe me because your trust in what I’m telling you is the only thing that’ll set me free.”
Right there in the entry hall, I settled onto his wheelchair burdened lap, wrapped my hands around his neck, and held him as tightly as I could and I begged him to believe me. Once he told me he did, and our positioning became incredibly uncomfortable, he used all of his strength to lay me on the floor where we spent the rest of the afternoon talking, laughing, kissing, and crying. Everything we said and did that day was centered around how little time we knew we had together, and so instead of fighting about all the things we did wrong, we focused on everything we did right. We talked about how sorry and scared we both were and promised each other to always speak highly of our marriage because as we agreed, it was the most precious learning experience of our lives. The next day, with new attitudes and a rediscovered respect for each other, we aggressively tackled Kurt’s leg situation. For two months we worked on getting him better and the teamwork paid off, because today he’s getting himself dressed, driving himself to work and wiping his own ass.
Invisible
February, 2000
With Kurt safely on the road to recovery, I’m back at my cottage and trying to catch up with everything going on at work. It seems like everyone…except Megan, is glad I’m back. I think the time apart did her and me some good though. Now that Leo’s long gone, and the stress of juggling two men at once is over, I no longer feel the need to scare the crap outta her on a daily basis. In fact, I even made nice talk with her in the break room yesterday. I try to stay outta there at noon because that’s when the Chinese sewing ladies are squealing away at the break table while they eat their monkey brains and rat embryos, but I had to refill my water bottle. It was at the exact same time Megan was refilling hers.
“How’s it going with the internship?”
“Are you talking to me?”
“Well, no one else in here speaks English so…yeah I’m talking to you.”
“Oh, um… it’s good. Different than I thought, but yeah… it’s good.”
“It’s certainly not the glamorous industry everyone thinks it is, huh?”
“Totally not. It’s like my friends think I sit around and read Vogue and then share my fashion inspiration in chic trend-forecasting meetings. But all I really do all day is unroll fabric and count buttons.”
“Stick with it and you’ll get more responsibility soon. In fact, I suggested they take you to Dallas with them for March market. I think they could use your help.”
“You did?”
“Megan, work is work. Whatever happened outside of here has zero impact on what I think of your performance here. Got that?”
“Got it.”
“Welp, I’m off to New York this evening, so I’ll see you next week.”
“Do you see Leo?”
I come to a screeching halt just outside of the break room, turn and peek my head back in.
“What’d you say?”
“When you go to New York, do you see him?”
“Noooooo. Have you talked to him since he moved there?”
“I’m not allowed to, remember?”
“Megan, I…”
“No, it’s okay, it’s my fault all that happened.”
“No, I acted childish.”
“You were right though, Chrissy.”
“About what?”
“I was totally in love with him.”
Hearing her say that should make me mad, but it just makes me sad.
Because of me, both of us can’t know him anymore. Such a shame.
With a heartfelt sigh, I say, “I know you were.”
“It’s cool though. I mean, it wasn’t at first, but then I met Mick in Shipping & Receiving, and we’re like totally seeing each other and I dunno, I think I’m supposed to be with him. Sounds silly, I know…”
“No, not silly at all. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe Mick’s the bright side of all that stupid stuff that happened between you and me. Just a heads up though…Erika in Production has the hots for him, and she’s a huge slut. I’d keep my eye on her.”
We actually share a little laugh before I set off down the hallway again.
“He asked about you, ya know?”
Now it’s her head that’s peeking into the hallway. I whirl around so quickly that half of my water tumbles out over the rim of my bottle.
“When?”
“My roommate’s boyfriend is old high school buddies with Leo and Taddeo. He went to New York to visit them, and Leo asked him to ask his girlfriend to ask me if you ever got divorced. Of course, I wasn’t supposed to know that it was Leo who wanted to know because he still hates my guts and…”
“What did you say!?”
“I said I don’t know because I don’t know.”
“Did you say anything else?”
“Are you gonna be mad?”
I raise my hands in the air and bug my eyes out at her.
“Okay, okay okay…all I said was that you look sad all the time and that I thought ever since he went away you’ve been… you’ve been…”
“I’ve been what?!”
“Lost.”
Oh great. I bet he’s enjoying his fabulous New York Invest
ment Banker single life so much more knowing I’m a total wreck.
“Chrissy, I’m sorry! I had to! You know how Leo hates liars!”
She was trying to be funny to shake me out of my funk, but she failed.
“Better than anyone.”
Usually on my red eye flights to New York I spend the first two hours reviewing reports for my meetings, then I order a vodka tonic, pop a melatonin, throw the shitty airline blanket over my head, and snooze until we hit the ground. But last night, I put the Braveheart soundtrack on my Discman and stared out of the window into complete blackness for five whole hours as it played on repeat. Slutty Co-worker, who had arrived a few days before me for some sample shopping, was waiting for me in the lobby of the W Hotel with a cup of coffee and a bagel. She always takes such good care of me.
“I don’t even know why I’m here.”
“The Macy’s appointment. Jesus, hunny, how many fuckin’ melatonins did you take?”
“No freak, I know why I’m supposed to be here. I’m just not into it anymore. Work used to be so important to me because it was the one place I could be myself. But after meeting Leo…after having the kind of happiness with him that all of this used to give me…I dunno, now that he’s gone, it just doesn’t fill the void it once did.”
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t wanna do this anymore.”
“What do you want to do then?”
“I have absolutely no idea.”
“Hunny, just go find him so we can all get the fuck on with our lives.”
“Oh yeah…and tell him what?”
“That you love him!”
“Tell him I love him so much that I’m not even divorced yet? Yeah, that’ll win him over.”
“I bet my last buck, he’s just as unhappy as you.”
“I’d take that bet if there was a way to find out.”
The Life List (The List Trilogy) Page 35