by Emer Stamp
“EEK! NOW MRS BEEFBURGER IS GETTING HER KNICKERS IN A TWIST TOO. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, DEAR? STEAM US TO DEATH WITH YOUR HOT BREATH?”
cow looks like she is about to explode with anger. The Sheeps all stops their itching and stares over. But RUSTY is still glued to the spot, trembling. Above me I hears Ki-Ki let out a weak little moan.
“YOU IS NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS!!” I cries. “We is going to rescue Ki-Ki, prove that you set me up and stop you blowing up Mrs Jingle Jangle. Just you watch.”
“OH, REALLY?” says the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN between sobs of laughter. “YOU AND WHOSE PATHETIC ARMY?”
“IF I HAS TO,” I roars, moving forward and bearing my teeth, “I’LL DO Fox’s JOB MYSELF! I IS AN OMNIVORE, YOU KNOW!!” I is so angry that I feels like I might actually be able to do it (if I closes my eyes tightly and pretends they is feathery turnips). No one treats my friends like this.
All the CHICKENS suddenly shuts up and takes a step back. Ha! I thinks. Now who’s laughing? I takes another step forward; the CHICKENS takes another one back.
“YEAH, WHO’S SCARED NOW?!” I booms in my biggest voice, feeling the most powerful I ever has.
“I THINK YOU’LL FIND … YOU ARE,” says the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN, pointing his wing over my shoulder. I turns my head to see what he is talking about.
My heart jumps so hard that it makes my body rock. There, crashing though the woods behind us, are Deathra. I can just make their white suits out through the greenery. I turns back to the EVIL CHICKENS, only they is no longer there. They’re sprinting across the Sheeps’ Field towards the Farm.
“No time to lose!” says Duck. “cow, up the tree fast as you can!”
“roger that!” says cow, pushing her way through the Sheeps. Quick as a flash she climbs up the trunk.
“NAAAAR WAAAAAY!!” baas all the Sheeps, standing back to watch in amazement.
Deathra crashes through the brambles and bushes, getting closer by the second.
cow frees Ki-Ki from the tree, and he flops to the floor in a heap. I rushes over and gently picks him up in my mouth. “Moonstone doesn't feel too good…” he manages to murmur weakly. He is still alive, but only just.
I hears a cry from behind us. I looks back. Big Deathra has fallen into our hidey-hole. He crawls out holding his ankle and screaming in pain.
His shouts snap RUSTY out of whatever weird trance he is in. He takes one look at them and turns to us.
“I’M SO SORRY. I’M SO SORRY. I DON’T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME,” he says, shaking his head. “FOR A MOMENT THERE I WAS BACK IN THAT HENHOUSE AND… OH, HELL, NONE OF THAT MATTERS NOW. YOU MUST SAVE YOURSELVES. SAVE Mrs Jingle Jangle. I’LL TAKE CARE OF THEM. IT’S THE LEAST THIS OLD DOG CAN DO!”
“No!” I tries to shout, but I can’t get the word out with Ki-Ki in my mouth.
Little Deathra helps drag Big Deathra out of the hole.
“I LET YOU DOWN, SOLDIER PIG. LEAVE ME. THIS IS THE WAY IT MUST BE,” says RUSTY.
“COME ON!” shouts Duck, tugging at my leg. “He’s right, we have no choice. We have to get out of here. NOW!!!!!!”
I gives RUSTY a soldier salute. I feels it is the right thing to do. Then I turns and runs as fast as I can.
Behind me I hears Deathra’s loud hisses. RUSTY starts barking, louder than I has ever heard him. His barks echo in my ears as I runs across the field. Brave, brave RUSTY, will I ever see him again?
The Last Hurrah!
Hello.
As I write this my heart is still pounding. I wonders if it will ever beat slowly again.
Duck, cow and me runs as fast as we can back to the yard. Ki-Ki flaps from side to side in my mouth. I wishes we has time to stop so I can check on him, but we doesn’t. The EVIL CHICKENS is fast and they is determined. We is going to have to be even faster and more determined if we is going to stop them.
When we gets to the edge of the yard the sun has only just come up. There is no lights on in Mrs Jingle Jangle’s van – she’s still asleep.
I spies the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN and Number Two hurriedly rolling something large, brown and round towards the van. It has a long wire sticking out of the top of it.
“the big pig bum!” says cow.
She’s right – they’re planting the Pomb and they’re not wasting any time.
I doesn’t even stop to think. I plops Ki-Ki down and rushes straight towards them. I is much bigger than they is. I can stop them: knock them over, take the detonator – do something, anything to spoil their plan.
Just as they reaches the van they spots me and stops.
“Give me the Pomb, or else!” I hisses in my most fierce voice.
The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN narrows his eyes and stares straight at me. For a moment I actually thinks it might be taking me seriously. But then it gives me a nasty, evil little smile.
“I DON’T THINK SO, STINK BAG!” it says. “COMRADE,” it continues, turning to Number Two, “THE TIME HAS COME TO GIVE YOURSELF IN THE NAME OF OUR CAUSE. ARE YOU READY?”
“INDEED I AM! NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME PROUDER,” replies Number Two, puffing up its chest feathers.
“GOOD,” nods the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN, “THEN PLEASE COMMENCE THE ‘GUARD THE BOMB AT ALL COSTS, ESPECIALLY FROM FATSO THE PIG’ PLAN WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.”
Number Two salutes and hops up on to the top of the Pomb. It starts twisting from side to side. As it does it begins to sink down. My poo is quite soft; soon most of Number Two has sunk inside. It pops its wings out and the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN hands it the detonator.
“NOW, MR BACON SANDWICH,” says the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN, poking me roughly in the chest with its wing, “YOU SO MUCH AS BREATHE TOO CLOSE TO OUR BOMB AND NUMBER TWO WILL DETONATE IT, IMMEDIATELY!
“NUMBER TWO, PRIME THE BOMB AND START THE COUNT DOWN FROM SIXTY. THAT SHOULD GIVE ME PLENTY OF TIME TO GET INTO A SAFE POSITION TO WATCH THE SHOW,” commands the SUPER EVIL one, giving the Pomb a hard kick. It and Number Two rolls under the van.
“OH, AND NUMBER TWO…” it calls out, “COUNT IN PIG. I WANT OUR ‘FRIEND’ HERE TO BE ABLE TO SAVOUR EVERY LAST MOMENT. KLA! KLA! KLA!”
“YES, MASTER,” clucks back Number Two from under the van, “IT WOULD BE MY UTMOST PLEASURE! COMMENCING COUNTDOWN NOW: 60, 59… ”
The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN turns and runs back to my house, laughing.
“Quick, Pig! I’ve got an idea,” says Duck, frantically beckoning me. I runs over. I REALLY hopes it’s a good one – his best ever, in fact.
“Now as I see it we only have one option left. We can’t save the van but we can save Mrs Jingle Jangle,” he says, talking so fast he doesn’t even stop to breathe. “We have to get her out of there. Pig, I want you to take Ki-Ki and stand in the middle of the yard. cow, get over there and ring her doorbell. I’ll keep an eye out for the EVIL CHICKENS; distract them if necessary. When she opens the door, Pig, you show her Ki-Ki. She should come running out to get him. cow, don’t hang around. You get out of there as soon as Mrs Jingle Jangle is out of that van. Got it?”
“oscar kilo!” says cow. She gives us both a nod and runs over to the door. I takes Ki-Ki out into the middle of the yard and gently places him on the ground.
“52, 51, 50…” continues Number Two’s voice from under the van.
cow lifts up her hoof and presses the bell. We waits. Nothing happens; no sign of Mrs Jingle Jangle.
“bell no bing bong!” she says, looking back at Duck, her voice echoing around the silent yard.
Number Two’s counting speeds up.
“47, 46, 45, 44…” Duck frantically signals to cow to bang on the door with her hoof. She bangs on it so hard her hoof almost goes straight through. It does the trick though. The door opens and a very confused-looking Mrs Jingle Jangle peers out. Her hair looks madder than ever. She rubs her eyes and pulls on her little round glasses.
“Look!” I whispers as loudly as I can (I doesn’t want Number Two to hear and speed up even more). “Look, it’s Ki-Ki! He’s alive!!” I knows sh
e won’t understand a word what I is saying, but I wants to get her attention. I gently nudges Ki-Ki with my nose. He makes a weak little turkey noise.
Mrs Jingle Jangle looks at me, then down at Ki-Ki. Her eyes bulge bigger than I has ever seen a Farmer’s eyes bulge. She holds her hands up to her face and lets out a terrible scream. It sounds like:
“AGHHHHHH! GOATS!!!!!”
She turns and slams the door and locks it. I doesn’t understand what’s going on. How could she confuse us with goats? She knows who we is!
“33, 32, 31…” continues Number Two, faster again.
Duck rushes over. “Drat, she thinks you’re ghosts. It must have been the whispering. We’re running out of time,” he says, looking panicked, “and I’m running out of ideas. We’re going to need some kind of miracle to save her now!”
“god!” cries cow pointing over towards the Sheeps’ field, “god’s coming!!”
We both turns and looks at where she’s pointing. In the distance I can just make out the Sheeps thundering across their field. And running round and round them, frantically barking orders, is RUSTY. He’s alive!
“Look, it’s RUSTY! He’s finally controlling the sheeps,” I shouts.
But then I spies two white lumps bouncing up and down on top of them. It’s Dethra. They is being carried across the field, herded by RUSTY, right towards the yard. Little Deathra pokes at the Sheeps with his nasty electric stick. But rather than hurting them, it seems to be making them happy. Very happy.
“YAAAR! YAAAR! ELECTRIC BACK SCRATCHAAAAR!!” they baas as they runs towards the gate.
What is RUSTY doing??? He was supposed to be keeping Deathra away. Not bringing them to me.
The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN struts out of my house to see what’s going on.
“HA! PIG, YOU NINCOMPOOP LOSER!” it squawks at me. “DOUBLE-CROSSED BY A THREE-LEGGED DOG. HOW VERY YOU.”
“27! 26! 25!” shouts Number Two triumphantly.
The Sheeps reach the gate and crash through it. Deathra still bouncing wildly around on top of them.
“DON’T WORRY, SOLDIERS. I’VE GOT IT ALL UNDER CONTROL!” cries RUSTY, herding the Sheeps right at me. For a moment I thinks they is going to run me over. But just before they does RUSTY barks an order to stop. Deathra flies forward and lands right in front of me.
The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN was right. RUSTY has brought Deathra to re-catch me. I can’t believe it. Why does I always trust the wrong animals????
“RUSTY, HOW COULD YOU?” I cries.
Deathra picks themselves up and dusts themselves down, angrily hissing as they does. I looks at RUSTY for some kind of answer. But he’s not looking at me; he’s looking up at the pointy arrow thing what cow hid behind the other day.
“GOOD NEWS, SOLDIER PIG. WE’VE GOT A SOUTH-WESTERLY BREEZE; IT’S BLOWING STRAIGHT INTO YOUR HOUSE,” he says, totally ignoring my anger.
“21, 20, 19…” continues Number Two excitedly.
Deathra hiss something at one another and step towards me.
“REMEMBER, REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED WARM AND STINKY. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO, SOLDIER PIG,” barks RUSTY. “SNF!”
“SNF?” laughs the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN. “BET I KNOW WHAT THAT STANDS FOR: SEE NO FRIENDS!”
“No,” I smiles proudly. “No, that’s not it at all. It stands for Silent … Ninja … Fart!”
As I says the words my bottom lets out the longest, most silent, ninja-ish fart I has ever done. My SNF is huge – it goes on and on. I feels sad when it finally finishes. It felt sooooo good. I catches a niff. It smells soooooo bad. Like no fart I has ever done before.
RUSTY was right about the wind direction; it blows my fart straight towards the EVIL CHICKENS. It hits the SUPER EVIL CHICKEN first. It starts to cough and choke. But that’s not all. Its head begins to swell and foam starts to pour from its beak.
I hears the other EVIL CHICKENS in my house start to choke too. Soon the yard is filled with the sound of EVIL CHICKENS spluttering and wheezing.
The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN collapses in a heap. Its eyes rolls round and round. Its head is now twice its normal size.
“GOOD WORK, SOLDIER PIG!” cries RUSTY. “YOU’VE INFLICTED MORE DAMAGE THAN I EVEN THOUGHT POSSIBLE.”
Both Deathra take a step back. They is no longer looking at me; they is looking down at the CHICKENS.
“CHICKENSHHHHH HASSSSSSSHHHH DEASHHHHLY POXHHHHHH !!!!” hisses Big Deathra. “FETCHHHHHH SHEEEE VAN ISHHHHMMEDIATELY. WEEE MUSHHHHHH CATSHHHHHHH AND DESHHHHTROY SHHHHHEM!”
I looks to Duck to help me understand. “It’s great; they can’t smell your toxic fart through their helmets. They think the
CHICKENS are contaminated with a Deadly Avian Pox!” he says. “It’s much worse than Swine Flu!!”
Little Deathra runs off towards the road. The big one pushes me out of the way and flings open the door to my house. Inside the EVIL CHICKENS are all lying around twitching and drooling.
Big Deathra swiftly picks them up and tosses them into his net. The SUPER EVIL CHICKEN tries to say something. His voice is all high and funny. “Pig, you…” he manages to squeak, but before he can finish, he’s picked up by his neck and thrown into the net with the rest.
Deathra’s white van screeches into the yard. The blue light on the top flashes. Little Deathra flings open the back doors. The big one throws the net full of EVIL CHICKENS in and then quickly slams it shut again.
“OMG!” I hears a weak voice croak, “What's that seriously dee-sgusting smell?”
It’s Ki-Ki. My farts normally knocks him out, but luckily the wind didn’t blow this one straight at him. A little niff of it has brought him around. UNBELIEVABLE! I looks across the yard. Duck helps him to his feet.
“Oh, Ki-Ki! Thank goodness you’re OK!” I says, rushing over to him. “I thought I’d eaten you – and so did Mrs Jingle Jangle. But I hasn’t. I is SO happy, and she will be too!”
“Eaten me? Really? You are soooo hilarious sometimes, Pig!” he says, falling into me and giving me a big feathery hug. I glances over my shoulder, expecting to see Deathra coming to get me too. But instead I sees their van screeching out of the yard. They has forgotten all about me and RUSTY. The Sheeps chases after them.
“ELECTRIC BAAAACK SCRAAAATCHARRR!” they cries. “COME BAAAAAACK!”
I looks over at Mrs Jingle Jangle’s van. The door opens and she peers out. She MUST have seen what happened, or at least heard. How could she miss the loud siren and Deathra’s shouts? She can’t possibly think we is ghosts now. Deathra doesn’t chase ghosts!
“M … M … Moonstone?” she says.
“Mrs Jingle Jangle!” replies Ki-Ki, letting go of me and turning to face her.
“Oh! Mrs Jingle Jangle, I thought I'd never see you again!”
Though she clearly has no idea what he is saying, I think she knows he’s trying to speak to her.
“MOONSTONE! OH, MOONSTONE!” she cries with delight, running across the yard. She picks him up in her arms and hugs him tight. Then she sees me; in her excitement she must have forgotten she thinks I is an evil killer.
She stops being happy and takes a step back. Luckily, Ki-Ki understands what is happening straight away. He reaches down and starts to stroke the top of my head whilst making happy Turkey noises. I looks up and gives her my best, “I am a really nice, healthy Pig. Honestly!” smile.
She shakes her head, muttering to herself. For a moment I worries it’s something bad, but then she reaches down and gives me a little stroke too.
“Sorry. So sorry,” she says, giving me a gentle rub. I doesn’t understand much Farmer. But I knows what this means.
It means that maybe, just maybe, everything is going to be OK.
She turns and carries Ki-Ki back over to her van. She carefully puts him in the sink and gently starts to wash his dirty feathers.
For a moment everything seems perfect, but then I hears a loud squawk.
“12, 11, 10…”
It’s Number Two. It’s still under
the van. It totally avoided my SNF, and, worse still, it’s still stuck in the Pomb.
“BIG PIG BUM ABOUT TO GO BOOOOM!!!!” cries cow.
Ki-Ki looks over at us from the sink and gives us a wave. He has no idea what is going on.
“GET OUT OF THERE! YOU’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THERE!!!” I shouts at him. But just as I does, Mrs Jingle Jangle takes out this strange, long, thin noisy thing and starts drying him with it.
The sound of it drowns out my cries.
“9, 8 !!!” shouts Number Two merrily.
RUSTY sprints across the yard and throws himself under the van. He reappears, quick as a flash, rolling the Pomb and Number Two out with his nose. He pushes it across the yard and out into the Sheeps’ field.
“7, 6…” squawks Number Two angrily at him as he nudges it along.
“RUUUUUSTY! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” I shouts. It can’t end like this. He just helped save my life and now he’s going to be blown up by a Pomb made out of my poo!
RUSTY sprints towards the Sheeps’ Pond, the Pomb bouncing along in front of him. He reaches the edge of it and stops.
“5, 4, 3…” screams Number Two. RUSTY takes a few steps back.
“2!!!!” Number Two cries, going bright red in the face.
RUSTY sprints at the Pomb, and gives it one last, hard shove with his nose.
“WUUUUUNNNNNN!” cries Number Two as they all fly though the air into the pond.
SPLOSHHHHH!!!! They disappears under the water.
For a brief moment there is total silence. Then:
A huge mountain of water erupts into the air. I has never seen anything like it. It’s enormous. It rains back down and then everything falls silent.
We all stands and stares at the pond in shock. I can’t believe what RUSTY has done. He’s sacrificed himself to save Ki-Ki and Mrs Jingle Jangle.