I gave him my best smile, which he instantly returned. “Thanks for not letting my recent crappy mood scare you off.” I was completely serious, and he laughed, which made me feel a little better. A little more normal. A little less damaged.
“I found a new place I want to show you. It’s just off to the left of the trail where we found that dead raccoon that one time,” he said.
I nodded, remembering. “I’d like to see it.” Witchcraft had been acting weird for about a dozen yards before we’d actually found the raccoon that day, a few months back. She wasn’t spooky, necessarily, but she was putting her ears back and prancing under me, definitely letting me know something wasn’t quite right in the woods that afternoon. I was glad she didn’t seem to be bothered by anything as we got to the fork in the trail this time.
The trail got narrower, so I pulled Witchcraft back, slowing her down so that Sam could move past us and take up the leader position. Witchcraft didn’t love pulling back, I knew, because she lifted her head a little, but it was more because she didn’t want to be going so slowly rather than any real need to be in front.
Chapter Two
Sam
“I THINK it’s funny how annoyed she sounds when Magic leads,” I called back to Robbie without turning to look at him. I’d said the spot was close by, and it was, but it took a little bit of paying attention to find the place where another trail met the one we were on.
“You can hear her?” Robbie actually sounded kind of surprised.
I glanced back at him and gave him a little wave. “Sure. We going too slow for her majesty?” I liked teasing him about his horse, though I would have never actually made fun of her. She meant too much to him for Robbie to be able to let something like that go.
It was good to hear Robbie laugh, and I still felt like a jerk for not remembering that he’d be really sad today. “Magic is always too slow for her. She’s got long legs for trotting, not for going at a half walk behind your fat pony.”
I turned and stuck my tongue out at him. “He may be fat, but he’s not a pony!”
“He’s barely over fourteen hands,” Robbie called back, laughing a little.
“Fourteen is the cutoff so he’s still a horse.” I found the split in the trail and had to practically kick Magic into a faster walk to get him up a little hill. He was so freaking stubborn at times. “Over here. Go around the aspen to your left. I think there’s some sharp rocks on the hill if you turn too much farther than that.”
“This place had better be worth it,” Robbie grumbled, and I turned Magic back at the top of the steep little hill to make sure Robbie and Witchcraft got up okay. We’d been going out into the woods for months to get her used to the different terrain. She was a steady horse with good legs and a decent brain, but she wasn’t a sure-footed mustang, so we’d been going slow. I didn’t want her to get hurt, or Robbie either. I didn’t know what Ben or Daniel did when they went out on trail rides, but their horses weren’t ever lame, so I figured they didn’t try anything too dangerous.
“It is,” I promised him. I pushed Magic forward a little, making room for them at the top of the hill. “She okay?”
Robbie let her stand for a moment, probably to let her settle down, but she looked relaxed to me. After a few seconds, he nodded and we were off again. “How’d you even find this place?”
It wasn’t much farther now, just past the funky-shaped tree that looked like someone had tried to cut it down once but hadn’t finished the job—and the tree had sort of grown around that hole on its side. “Out wandering one day before you moved here.” I used to do that a lot more and had even gotten lost a few times. I thought it was fun, and I was glad Robbie was being more adventurous with Witchcraft now that they weren’t showing as much and he could actually have fun with her. I didn’t tell him that, though, since I knew how much he enjoyed showing. I didn’t want to put down something he seemed to love so much.
We got to the little clearing, with the small waterfall I’d been wanting to show Robbie, and I slid off Magic’s back before he’d even really come to a stop. It was easy to tie him up to a sturdy tree, since I’d only used lead ropes on him, but Witchcraft needed a little more care from Robbie as he slowed her to a stop, then dismounted. He loosened her girth, then removed her bit, putting it into one of his saddlebags, so she could graze like Magic was doing.
I’d already pulled out the little picnic I’d grabbed for us from Caleb’s fridge by the time he’d loosened Witchcraft’s girth. “This place is really nice,” he said, coming over to sit beside me in the grass.
“I’m glad you like it.” I’d managed to find some string cheese, a few donuts, pepperoni, and a soda. It wasn’t a lot, but we ate it, and Robbie smiled a little at me. It was good to see him smiling more and more. It made him look really cute. Once we were done with the food, and the trash was put back into the plastic bag I’d tied to my pants as we rode, I leaned over to kiss him.
I really liked kissing him now that we were doing it as more of a full-time thing instead of just when he was a jerk to me.
“What can I do to help?” I asked, when he didn’t touch me, or open his mouth for me, or any of the usual things he did when we kissed.
Robbie shrugged and laid his hands in his lap with a sigh. “I don’t know if there’s anything really. It just hurts. You know? Like if I could have anything for my birthday right now, it would be to have my mom back. But that’s not going to happen, so I don’t know what to do.”
We lay down together on the grass, facing each other and with his head on my arm as a pillow. “I’m sorry. I wish I could help.”
He nodded and I leaned forward. A kiss wouldn’t solve everything, but sometimes it made me feel better, so I hoped it helped him too. I reached for his waist, wanting to touch him, but he pulled away from me. “Sorry… I can’t.”
I wasn’t even thinking that. “I know.”
“I’m not ready.”
I knew that too. “It’s okay.”
He didn’t look convinced. “I know you want to, though. I mean, we’ve talked about it. I know you went all the way with Max. I just… I’m not ready.”
Honestly, I didn’t expect him to be. “Okay.” We kissed a lot more after that, but I was careful to only touch his hands or arms and not his waist or hips. Sometimes he was okay with me touching him, sometimes he wasn’t. I wished it was okay to touch him whenever, and wherever, I wanted to. He was my boyfriend, and sometimes I felt a little cheated when he pulled out of a kiss when we were alone and there was no one around to blame the interruption on.
WE STAYED out there for a few more hours, sometimes kissing, sometimes just lying there on the grass together holding hands. “I’m sorry,” he said as we headed back toward the barn.
I looked over at him and frowned. “For what?”
“We’ve been going out for months now, and the TV shows make it seem like sex is some completely normal part of life. And I know it was for you and Max. I’m just sorry it isn’t for us.”
He sounded so sad, so lost that I wished I could make him see that it really was okay. “It’s fine.” I’d been saying it was fine for at least a month by then. I didn’t need sex to know that I cared about him, or that he cared about me. I wouldn’t mind it, and I wanted it with him, but it wasn’t a deal breaker for me at all. I didn’t know how to get him to understand that.
“Thanks.”
I nodded and let him pull ahead of me on the trail so Witchcraft could lead us back in. We were putting our horses away when I got a call. “Hello?” I said, answering my phone.
“Hey. You busy?” Max asked. I smiled, because talking to Max made me happy. He was still a friend after all.
I caught Robbie watching me as I leaned against the front of Magic’s stall where he’d already been put in with fresh hay and water. Robbie was getting hay for Witchcraft now. “Hey, Max. I’m not busy. What’s up?”
“My mom’s doing this road-trip thing across the country, her l
ast bonding experience with me, she says, before I leave for college in a few months. Do you want to get together? We’ll be there tomorrow afternoon if you do.”
“Sure.” I’d agreed before even thinking about it. I hadn’t seen Max in over a year. Maybe we could grab lunch or something, like we did when he’d lived just on the other side of town where the townhouses and diner were. “See you tomorrow.”
We hung up a few seconds later, and I looked across the barn to see Robbie still watching me. “Max is coming back?”
I nodded. “That’s great, huh? I can’t wait for you to meet him. It’ll be fun. He won’t be here long, though, just a few hours probably. He’s doing a road trip with his mom.”
Robbie gave me a little smile. “Yeah. Sounds good.”
“Well, I better get going up to the house for a bit. See you later?” I asked. My mom was baking him a cake, so I really hoped he’d come down for that at least. I didn’t want to go, but I promised my mom I’d clean my room for her that afternoon. I just hoped he didn’t go home and mope up in his room as soon as we separated.
Robbie nodded. “Hugs first?”
Of course I was going to give him a hug. He held on to me for a long time, making me wonder if something else was wrong. I didn’t mind the extra time with him at all, though, and I didn’t want to ask and make him more upset if it was something that hurt to talk about. “Thanks for going riding with me,” he said as he rested his head on my shoulder.
“Anytime.” I loved riding, and going out with him just made it that much more fun. Not just because it was someone else to share the experience with, but also because it meant that I got to spend more time with him, and I’d never turn that down.
He pulled away a little but then surprised me by coming in for a kiss. We hugged again, and then I watched him walk back toward the cabin before I headed down the path home.
Dad was in the front yard, working on a table to go with Mom’s antique rocking chair. “Hey. Good ride?” he asked.
“Yeah.” It had been really great to get out. “Max is going to be in town for a few hours tomorrow. We’re going to hang out for a while.”
“Make sure you get your school work done before you take off,” Dad told me as I headed inside.
Mom was making pulled pork, and I eagerly sat down at the dining room table, hoping to grab some as soon as it was done. “Smells good.”
She smiled at me. “It is good. But you need to wash your hands if you think you’re getting any of it.”
Groaning, I got up from the table and cleaned up.
“Shoes off too,” she told me, and I quickly did as she said. “Now tell me all about your morning. Your dad saw you and Robbie go riding. I thought the plan was for you to be in town this morning.”
I grabbed myself some of her sweet tea, then headed back to the table. “We were going to be. But Robbie wasn’t up to it.”
She nodded. “He’s a poor little boy right now. It must be so tough for him. I think he’ll be better tomorrow. Just give him time today.”
“Yeah. Hope so. Max is going to be stopping by tomorrow, so maybe that will cheer him up.”
Mom gave me a look like I was crazy or something, and I frowned back at her. “What?”
“Did you just hear the words that came out of your face?”
I had. “What’d I miss?”
With a sigh she shook her head and brought me a plate of pulled pork with a side of cornbread. She called Dad inside for lunch as well, then joined us at the table. “Sam, honey, did Robbie say he wanted to meet Max?”
“Well…. No. But he’s my friend, and Max is my friend, and….”
Mom frowned at me and reached over to touch my hand. “Maybe it’ll be fine. But, sweetie, I don’t want you to be disappointed if Robbie doesn’t want to be friends with Max. He’s your ex and Robbie is your current boyfriend. I remember when I was dating your dad and this girl he used to date came by a few times. She was always so flirty, so needy. I wanted to kick her scrawny butt.”
I laughed, thinking of my mom in a fight. But maybe she was right. “Should I ask Robbie? Or tell Max not to come over?” Not being able to see Max tomorrow made me sad, but the idea of hurting Robbie made me feel even worse. “I don’t want to hurt either of them.”
She patted my hand, and I looked to Dad for advice, but he just gave me a shrug. “I won’t be any help. It was your mom who told that girl to leave me alone. I had nothing to do with it.”
That was incredibly unhelpful. “I should talk to Robbie.”
“Yes, you should. But after you help me clean,” Mom said. I felt stupid for not realizing Robbie might not be happy about Max coming back, but he’d been upset for days, and he hadn’t seemed any worse off when I’d told him. Now that I was thinking about it, though, I felt conflicted and like I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. I wanted Robbie to be happy, but I wanted to see Max too. And part of me felt like I couldn’t do both, not really anyway.
Chapter Three
Robbie
I STOPPED by the cabin long enough to change out of my riding boots and into my sneakers, not intending to really see anyone, and especially not talk to them. But Uncle Caleb was in the kitchen drinking a beer. “Hi,” I said, stopping awkwardly right inside the front door.
He nodded to me and put the beer down. “Hey. You doing okay today?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t amazing, but then I hadn’t felt that way in a while. “Maybe?” I said, because I knew he expected an answer. “Can I go into town for a while?”
“With Sam?”
I shook my head.
“With your brothers?”
“No. Just me. Alone. It’s a ten-minute walk,” I said, in case he wanted to tell me it was too far to go alone. “And I’m seventeen now.”
He gave me a little smile then tossed his bottle into the recycle bin. “I know how far it is, and how old you are. I didn’t forget. Take your phone and be back by six. We’re having a birthday dinner for you here.”
I didn’t really want a birthday dinner. In fact I wanted my birthday to be over. I’d seen my mom buried, and even saw pictures of her car, but her not calling me, not coming running through the front door and hugging me…. I guessed I had thought my mom might still be alive out there somehow up until that afternoon. There’d been a closed casket. Maybe she’d lived, and she and Joe were out there together somewhere. She would have been selfish for not coming back to her kids, but I could have dealt with my mom being selfish a lot better than I would have with her being actually gone.
But there were no birthday hugs, and I was left feeling miserable. “Sure,” I told Uncle Caleb. I hurried to get out the front door before he could say anything more to me. Before he could see me cry.
With Daniel in the barn now with Cleric, I couldn’t go hide in Witchcraft’s stall and cry for a while, now that I actually wanted to and felt like I could. So I walked down the driveway, past Trent as he pulled in and gave me a wave, and I kept walking until I found a cluster of aspen trees to sit under. I was away from the road and, I hoped, hidden by bushes.
Crying was a sign of weakness, of being a loser, of being a child. I could hear Dan telling me all of that. We weren’t allowed to cry. We fell down; we got back up. We lost at a show, we got yelled at, and then we tried harder.
Our mom died, we buried her, and we moved on.
We didn’t cry. We couldn’t. But as I sat there between the aspen trees with the sun coming down all around me, I sobbed. I howled loud enough that I thought the wolves I heard in the woods sometimes could hear me. And I shook as I sat there in the dirt and missed my mom more than I could bring into words. I wanted her back. I wanted Dan dead, and I wanted my mom back. And it wasn’t fair that he was still here, and she wasn’t. There were so many people in the world, so many awful people who deserved to die so much more than her, and yet she was gone, and it wasn’t fair at all.
Right then I hated everything. I hated her for leaving us, especiall
y since she’d left us alone with someone who had hurt me so often. It’d been six months since the last time someone put their hands on me, and I was safe now, but sometimes I was still scared.
I missed her and wished she was there with us. She would have understood about me being with Sam. I was sure of it. And Daniel wouldn’t be such a mess… and Ben. I shook my head. Ben would be normal again. He would be smiling. I hadn’t seen him smile, not really, since her accident.
It started raining, which was fairly strange for Colorado in the summer. I got up. I should have gone back to the cabin and found something to do inside, but I wasn’t done yet. And I didn’t want to hide indoors. I only had on a T-shirt, jeans, and my sneakers, but I didn’t mind being cold and wet too much. It meant that I was outside and able to breathe for a little bit without worrying about Daniel or Ben catching me crying. I didn’t know what they would have said if they had seen me just then, but I could imagine Daniel’s reaction, and I doubted he would have been nice about it at all.
The rain hid my tears, which were much slower to fall now, as I walked into town. Main Street in Thornwood was barely more than ten stores, and the diner was really the only one with a dedicated parking lot. Everyone else got to park on the street, or they just parked in the grocery store’s parking lot and walked the block over to the shops. Normally I’d go to the diner, since that was where Sam and I liked to go when we went into town. They had really good cookies some kid in town made. But today I headed toward the salon, which I’d never been to, and hoped they had an opening for me.
Uncle Caleb gave us each an allowance, though we didn’t do much to deserve it since Sam’s mom did all the main living area cleaning, and Sam took care of the horses in exchange for riding lessons. I’d felt weird taking Uncle Caleb’s money the first time he’d put a twenty in my hands. But protesting hadn’t helped. So now I just accepted the cash each month, and I usually used it just when I was out with Sam.
Head Above Water Page 2