Seth regretted sitting across from Lillian the moment he sat down. He could have gone back outside and continued to tend the horses, but he was cold and didn’t want to disturb anyone by getting up and leaving after he’d just sat down. Instead, he buried his face in his Bible, trying desperately not to look in Lillian’s direction. Unfortunately, he just couldn’t help but slight his eyes toward the bottom hem of a blue dress that hung just below the hem of her long black coat.
Why was she wearing a blue dress? She always wore a brown dress—not that he’d been keeping track. With wedding season upon them, it was unusual to see her in the very color for marrying. Had she become betrothed and he wasn’t aware of it? The very thought of it made his stomach queasy—not that he had any right to lay claim on her. But he knew there weren’t any single men in the community her age, which meant she would have had to choose from younger men or the few widowers who were nearly old enough to be her grossdaddi.
Seth looked up, scanning the room for any of the single young men to see if he could catch any of them making eyes at her during the service, as was often done. None looked her way, even after several minutes. A sinking thought suddenly occurred to him. Had he somehow given her the wrong impression over the past few days, and she wore that dress as a hint to him that she needed a husband? If that was the case, he knew he had to avoid her more than ever.
Putting his concentration on the church service, Seth closed his eyes hoping to put Lillian out of his thoughts. Was it possible to ignore her, when he was so aware of her presence, it warmed him from head to toe? He could smell the lavender soap she used—the same scent that tickled his senses when he’d helped her get the chickens out of the tree. He’d enjoyed the calming scent again last night as he drove her home from the bakery. It drove him mad with the desire to hold her in his arms.
Unable to stand it any longer, Seth opened his eyes and looked over at Lillian. Their eyes met, and her smile warmed his heart. He smiled back at her. He couldn’t help it. Her smile was so inviting, and her lips so tempting, he found his gaze wandering to them like a moth to a flame. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her, and to tell her just how he felt about her. But he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to her. He would only disappoint her when he wasn’t able to follow through and have a normal relationship with her. His life was too full of responsibility, and there was no room for Lillian.
Seth looked away and hung his head in defeat. If he couldn’t control his desire for Lillian it would destroy him. He certainly couldn’t smile at her again, or she might get the wrong idea, and he wouldn’t risk hurting her.
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CHAPTER 11
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Lillian thought her heart would pound its way out of her ribcage when Seth smiled at her. But when he looked away just as quickly, and ignored her for the remainder of the service, she had to wonder what had prompted the shift in his behavior. He’d been very kind to her recently, and now he almost seemed to be avoiding her. With the meal underway, she’d been so busy serving that she hadn’t noticed where Seth had gone.
Lizzie approached her. “Aren’t you too warm with your coat on, Lillian?”
If the truth be told, she was starting to sweat, but she couldn’t take the coat off. “I’m fine. I just haven’t gotten used to the cold yet this season.”
Lizzie moved in closer to whisper in her ear. “I have another dress you can borrow. You can go upstairs and no one will notice.”
Lillian could feel the blood draining from her face. If Lizzie had seen the dress, then Seth probably had seen it too. “Hannah made the dress, and I didn’t want to insult her by not wearing it, but I regretted putting it on as soon as we were on our way here this morning.”
Lizzie smiled warmly, making Lillian feel more at ease.
“Denki. I would like to change into any other color than this blue. It’s embarrassing.”
Lizzie looped her arm in Lillian’s. “There isn’t any reason to be embarrassed. But I’ll admit, I was a little shocked to see you wear that color—because you’re single, I mean.”
Lillian sighed. It was all she could do to keep the tears that stung her eyes from falling. “You’re right about that. I see married women wearing this color all the time. I do hope no one saw the dress.”
Lizzie offered a sympathetic smile. “I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think my bruder saw it. The look on his face was like that of a ghost.”
Lillian could no longer hold the tears at bay. They rushed down her cheeks like a dripping rain gutter. “He’s the last person I wanted to see me in this dress.”
No sooner had the words left her lips, than regret began to fill her nervous stomach. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
Lizzie pulled her close and patted her back for a moment. “Of course you did. I saw the way the two of you looked at each other through the meal last night. You like him, and he likes you too. But with my bruder, he will be a tough one to break. He’s like a stubborn horse that bucks and won’t let anyone saddle him. He feels a deep sense of responsibility to my daed. I did too at first, but it made me bitter toward him. That’s why I left when I was younger—and ended up getting myself into some trouble with the Englisch. Seth and I had to take care of my daed once my mamm died. David and Daniel were already married and each had kinner of their own by that time, so the responsibility was left to me and Seth. I was a coward and left because I didn’t want to keep haus for my daed. When I found out my daed sabotaged my relationship with Jacob when we were younger, it was hard not to see him as anything but a harsh and selfish man. He’s been lost without my mamm, and getting older. He hasn’t been able to care for the farm on his own for a lot of years. Seth was the responsible one and stayed to care for him—still is. Because of this, he’s never allowed himself to get too close to any of the women in the community because of his loyalty, but maybe you can change that. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. Maybe if he could find a woman who would stand by him and help care for my daed, then he would break down the barrier he’s put up and let someone in his heart—someone like you.”
Lillian sniffled. “I do like him, but I don’t think he feels the same. He’s never really talked to me until recently. And today he’s ignored me—except for…”
Lizzie searched Lillian’s far-off expression.
“Except for what?”
Lillian smiled at the memory of Seth’s warm smile during church services. “He smiled at me today, and it felt like a genuine smile of interest. But then his expression changed and he didn’t look my way again the entire morning. As soon as the service was over, he jumped from his seat and practically ran outside. I haven’t seen him since.”
Lizzie giggled. “He sent Abby after a plate of food for him. She took it out to the barn. She mumbled something about him being too busy to get it himself. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but it makes sense now. Let’s get you into this dress and meet me downstairs when you’re changed. We’ll take desert out to the barn and he can see that you aren’t wearing the blue dress anymore. Maybe that will ease his mind a little.”
“Denki for your help. I’ll be sure to return the dress later this week after I wash it.”
Lizzie waved a hand toward her. “You will do no such thing. I made this dress just before I discovered I was pregnant with the twins. I’ve never been able to fit into it so it’s just been sitting here gathering dust. You keep it. It was meant to be worn, and I know you will get a lot of use from it.”
Lillian took the purple dress from Lizzie, feeling grateful for her new friend’s generosity.
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CHAPTER 12
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Seth felt like a coward for hiding out in the barn, but the sight of Lillian in the blue dress was giving him a nervous stomach. Just why, he couldn’t figure out, but he suspected it had something to do with the feelings he had toward her. There had been a girl or two who had
caught his eye when he was much younger, but none that could make his insides heat up the way they did when he set his eyes on Lillian. She had a generous spirit that enhanced her beauty, making her the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. And for that reason alone, he couldn’t continue to look upon her beauty and wish for something that could never be. His duty was to his daed, and until the man took his last breath, he would honor him and care for him the way he’d learned was his responsibility from the teachings at the Sunday services.
Still, he couldn’t help but wish things could be different for him. But wishing wouldn’t bring his mamm back, or make his daed a younger, stronger man. It was best for everyone if he stayed out in the barn until everyone had left for the day. After, he could help Jacob load up the benches and put their furniture back in the haus. With no one but the horses to keep him company, he felt lonely. Even the menner could be heard in the main part of the barn having happy conversation. He could join them instead of hiding out in the loft, but he wasn’t up for any conversation at the moment. He was more comfortable sulking and feeling sorry for himself for now.
****
Lillian was relieved that no one except Hannah noticed she had changed her dress. Grabbing her arm and pulling her aside, Hannah furrowed her brow, showing impatience with her.
“Why did you change? I made that dress so you could catch Seth’s eye, and now you’ve ruined everything by changing before he could see how nice you look in it.”
Lillian bit her tongue, holding back the harsh words she wanted to say. Instead she pasted a smile on her face and spoke as gently as she could to her schweschder.
“He saw me, and that’s why no one knows where he is. According to Lizzie, he had Abby bring him a plate of food out in the barn so he wouldn’t have to come in the haus.”
Hannah raised an eyebrow. “Is that who gave you the dress? Getting chummy with his schweschder will help you catch him.”
Lillian yanked her arm away from Hannah. “I’m not getting chummy with her to catch Seth. And who says I want to “catch” him anyway? If he doesn’t like me of his own accord then I don’t want him.”
Hannah laughed. “You do too, or you wouldn’t have changed. You’re trying to impress him by wearing this purple dress—another color you never wear.”
Lillian was fuming, but trying very hard not to yell at her younger schweschder. “Why do you always think you’re right about everything?”
Hannah pressed her hands on her hips. “Why do you always play the martyr? You don’t have to fill the shoes of our dead bruder.”
Lillian’s face turned ashen. “How do you know about the boppli?”
“I found his things in the attic, and I’ve heard mamm crying over him every year on his birthday.”
Lillian sat in a chair, feeling like she’d had the wind knocked out of her. “I always thought I carried the burden all by myself of not being the son daed wanted. I’ve been trying so hard to make up for it by accepting the land he gave me and working the bakery. I know it wasn’t the business he would’ve made if I was a buwe, but he pushed it on me when I didn’t want it. I love the bakery, I really do. But sometimes I wish he wouldn’t have given it to me the way he did.”
Hannah smoothed back Lillian’s hair that had come unpinned from her kapp. “Why do you think I act like a tomboy all the time and help daed in the barn? It’s the only way I can get any real attention from him.”
Lillian laughed. “I thought you did it just to make me mad.”
Hannah smiled and leaned her head on Lillian’s shoulder. “I do it for that reason too.”
They both laughed.
Hannah looked serious suddenly. “I guess that’s why I’ve been pushing you to get married. Because I was jealous of the attention you get from daed. I didn’t want that to continue once I wasn’t living there anymore if I should get married before you did. I’m sorry for being so pushy about Seth. Give him time. He does like you—I can see it in his eyes. But he’s a man you will have to have patience with. He has his own problems with his own daed.”
Lillian hugged her schweschder. “That’s what Lizzie was explaining to me when she gave me the dress. I like her. I don’t know why we were never friends before this.”
Hannah nudged Lillian. “Because you’re jealous of every married woman in the community.”
Lillian frowned. “I suppose you’re right. I probably shouldn’t be like that since they’re all married now, and I’ve run out of friends.”
Hannah nudged her again. “You’ll always have me, dear schweschder.”
Lillian smiled, feeling lighter after confessing her deepest burdens to her schweschder. It helped that Hannah understood since she was feeling some of the same pressures and insecurities concerning their daed’s love. If only she could figure out how to help Seth overcome his own burdens.
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CHAPTER 13
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Lillian shook as she followed Lizzie out to the barn with a tray full of desert for the menner. She wasn’t sure if she was shivering from the cold, or shaking for fear of encountering Seth, but she suspected it was a little of both. Now that she felt vulnerable in Lizzie’s purple dress, she wished she’d taken the time to put her coat back on. Now Seth would see that she’d changed her dress, and she feared he would think she was fickle. But it was too late to worry about it, so she kept her gaze lowered, hoping she wouldn’t have to make eye-contact with him.
As she handed out the last of the pie to the menner, Lillian breathed a sigh of relief that Seth didn’t seem to be in the barn any longer. Hoping to slip out unnoticed, she walked under the loft, where straw floated down into her hair. Shielding her eyes, she noticed a pair of boots dangling from the loft above. She recognized those boots—they were the same pair of boots she’d spent the entire service staring at. They belonged to Seth.
Moving out from directly under the shower of falling straw, she looked up at Seth, who appeared to be hiding out from the rest of the menner. Lizzie approached her and took her empty tray. She handed her the last slice of pie from her own tray. “Will you please take this up to my bruder? I’m afraid I can’t climb the ladder to the loft in my condition.”
Lillian’s first thought was that Seth could come down from the loft to get his own pie if he wanted any, but she nodded a reluctant agreement to take the pie to him. After Lizzie exited the barn, Lillian climbed the ladder with one arm, the other cradling the pie. When she was high enough that Seth noticed her, he reached up and took the pie and grabbed her free hand to help pull her onto the loft.
“Lizzie must have sent you up here, jah?”
“Nee, I offered.” Lillian didn’t want him thinking she’d been forced to take him the pie. She hoped the gesture would soften him a bit toward her.
Seth took a healthy bite of the pie and swallowed it almost whole. “This must be one of your pies. I can tell the difference.”
Lillian laughed at him. “How can you tell? You didn’t even take the time to chew before you swallowed it.”
Seth’s face turned pink. “Normally I savor your pie, but I wasn’t going to take a chance at letting it linger in my mouth long if it wasn’t yours. Especially if it was one that Abby made. Don’t tell her I said this, but I’m happy you’re going to take the time to teach her how to bake because her cooking scares me. Now that Lizzie is far into her confinement, Abby has been taking over the cooking, and taking my Saturday night meals here with my familye has been leaving me feeling hungry when I go home since I can’t stomach my niece’s cooking.”
Lillian laughed. “I can probably teach her a few basic meals too—so you won’t have to go home hungry anymore.”
Seth nodded sheepishly. “Denki. I’m sure her daed would be happy about that too. She does pretty well when Lizzie’s right there to guide her, but she can’t always sit with her since she needs to spend a lot of her time resting now.”
“Maybe I can write down some simple recip
es for her to follow, and when she masters those, we can work on some of the more complicated things. Didn’t Lizzie take the time to teach her when she was young?”
“When they were living among the Englisch, she didn’t have time to teach her since she was a working single mother. And since they’ve been back here, Abby only wanted to bake, but she just hasn’t gotten the feel for it yet. She still has a few years before she will have to do the cooking for a familye of her own.”
“I guess I was lucky that my mamm was able to teach me at a young age. I think it’s easier to grasp when you’re younger, than to try to learn once you get older.”
Lillian watched him savor the last bite of her shoofly pie, and leaned in to take the plate from him. His hand brushed against hers as the plate switched hands, and his face was close to hers. They both paused, Lillian feeling a twinge of electrical energy pass between them. “I suppose I should get back in the haus to help with the dishes before I go home.”
He smiled warmly. “Denki for the gut pie.”
She smiled back, but started down the ladder before she gave in to the temptation to kiss him.
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CHAPTER 14
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“Did you spill something on your new dress?”
“Nee, I didn’t spill anything on it mamm. I just couldn’t wear that blue this time of year. It’s fine for the younger girls like Abby, or even the women who are already married. But after some thought, I realized it made me look desperate.”
Her mamm pushed back the stray tendrils that had fallen from her kapp. “Such prideful thoughts from the youth these days. You are way past your days of rumschpringa.”
Lillian cast her eyes downward. “I know mamm. I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t let Seth see me in that dress. I don’t want him thinking I want to trap him into marriage.”
Amish Winter Wonderland: BOOK TWO (Jacob's Daughter, An Amish, Christian Romance) Page 4