“What happen?” Big C asked.
“Turd adopt cub as his own. Try to train it.”
“Cub not here now. Cub die?”
“No. Cub escape.”
“Cub escape Turd?”
“Yes.”
Wait a second. I was beginning to see what Sally meant here.
Big C stood up and slammed a fist onto the table. “Turd get revenge. Capture Freewill T’lunta cub. But Turd stupid and let it escape. Fault of no one but Turd.” He turned and locked eyes with me. “Honor is served.”
And just like that, we’d won.
* * *
Well, winning is a relative concept, but I’d been coming up short in that column lately. I’d take what I could get.
The big ape wasn’t finished anyway. “Turd stupid and selfish. Get many of our kind killed for dishonor. Let the War of Turd end. It die with him. Let the Peace of Cunt begin!”
Sheila completely lost her shit at that. I had to stifle a fake coughing jag as well. She had it worse, though, not having been previously insulated against the raw fucking idiocy that was the Feet. She folded her hands on the table and put her face down on it. After a few moments, she could barely breathe.
Fuck it. There hadn’t been a lot of laughs the last few days. The poor girl had earned it.
I turned to Sally. “Who’d have thunk it? The legendary Icon laid low by...”
“Don’t say it,” she warned.
“Fine. Too easy anyway.” I lowered my voice. “By the way, how’d you know where he was going with this?”
“Never discount ego or new management taking an opportunity to make the old management look bad.”
“Sounds a lot like corporate America.”
“With maybe a bit less hygiene,” she added.
After a few minutes, Sheila got herself under control and lifted her head. Her eyes were puffy and a few tears were still present on her face, which she quickly wiped off. “Sorry,” she said in a shaky voice, as if it wouldn’t take much to set her off again. “I was just ... overcome with emotion at this historic occasion.”
“Understand,” the giant ape replied with a nod. “Very moving to be in presence of the great...”
“Big C!” I shouted, before he could send Sheila into another laughing seizure.
Not only did it spare her that, but it seemed to mollify the stupid baboon even more so. “Yes! Big C!” he shouted, then began to repeat it until the other Sasquatches in the room joined in with the chant.
“Big C! Big C! Big C!”
Ah yes. Music to my ears.
* * *
As hoped, once things settled down, talks turned to the terms of the peace itself. It was agreed that since the Humbaba Accord had been broken by treachery, it was still valid and could be reinstated by both parties. Thank goodness, too. Considering how long it supposedly was, if they insisted on drafting a new treaty, we’d be here until long after Alex and Calibra had finally hashed things out.
I did have one moment where I suggested that maybe we rename it the Cuntbaba Accord, in favor of the new Sasquatch leader, but that drew a painful shot in the arm from Sally. Hey, can’t fault a guy for trying.
Unfortunately, that brought us to the part we all knew was coming.
“Peace has been brokered in accordance with the terms set forth in the Humbaba Accord,” Sheila said as we all stood at attention. She glanced once at me as if to ask if I really wanted to go through with this next part.
The answer was no, but I didn’t really have a choice. Besides, if things worked out in our favor, we could deal with the consequences later. Hell, they’d probably be a cakewalk compared to the horrors waiting for us at the pool of magical spooge. I gave her the barest of nods.
“Very well,” she said. “As was done before, during the original signing of the Accord, the leaders of both parties will take a mate from the opposing side as a show of fellowship. The exchange of vows will take place immediately to seal the pact.”
Now came the tricky part.
“Freewill,” Big C said, “I offer you Turd daughter.” He let out a roar, and I sensed movement at the top of the meeting place. I glanced up to see a seven-foot-tall Sasquatch with saggy tits that reached down almost to its knees come loping in to join us.
“Hope you’re a boob guy,” Sally whispered to me with a smirk. Bitch!
“Um, I thought Turd’s daughter was, well, you know...”
“Turd have many cubs,” Big C replied. “One die to start war. Make sense for one to take her place.”
Heh, yeah, and would also spare Big C from having to introduce his ugly new son-in-law at any family gatherings. Different ape, but still an asshole.
Whatever the fuck. This was all just for show anyway.
I hesitated for a beat. We’d discussed this beforehand, but there was still no way of knowing if Gan might decide to let her catty side out to play.
Fortunately, the Sasquatch female’s chest remained knife free. I glanced over and saw that Gan’s expression was unreadable. She definitely wasn’t happy, but she was playing along. Now, as also discussed previously, it was her turn.
“Thank you,” I replied. “I’m sure she will make a fine mate and give me many ... cubs.” Turd’s offspring apparently found this prospect as appealing as I did based on the grimace she made. Well, she needn't have worried. I’d made a few deposits in the skank bank back in college, but even I had standards. “Now, I would like to offer you, from our side, Gansetseg. She will make a fine mate for you. Though she may be short in stature, she is large in ... spirit.”
Gan stepped forward, a neutral expression still on her face. Yeah, remind me to never ever play poker with her.
Big C, however, backed up a step as if aghast. “What this?!”
“Huh?”
“This T’lunta treachery?”
Hah! Who’d have guessed? The Feet might have been shit-covered, bug-eating morons who considered females a lesser species, but apparently they had qualms about those females being little girls.
“I can assure you. Though she appears young, she is...”
“Not T’lunta!”
“What?”
“That not T’lunta!” he repeated, getting extra huffy, snot running out of his nose in ropes thick enough to climb. Eww.
That’s when I remembered. Oh shit! They’d refused Gan a place at the table. I hadn’t argued the rule before because of the day-walker thing, and also because I was glad not to sit next to her for hours on end. Now it was coming back to bite me. Fuck it all.
“Yeah, but she’s...”
“Bride must be T’lunta,” he growled. “Only T’lunta! Or pact not sealed.”
“The only other vamp we brought is Sally,” Tom helpfully pointed out.
Sally turned and fixed him with the gaze of death itself.
“Yes,” the ugly ape replied. “Big C take that one.”
The crack of knuckles could be heard. I looked at Sally and saw her fist clenched so tightly blood dripped out from between her fingers.
“You can’t have her,” I said, trying to think quickly.
“Why not?”
“Um ... because she’s my mate.”
“Huh?”
“And as much as the thought of a wife swap is interesting, I’m thinking the logistics just won’t work. I mean, I live in Brooklyn. You live...”
“You say she not mate. Spend entire time at table claiming she not mate.”
“Well, I was being shy and...”
He turned to Sheila. “Silver Eyes, did him not say so during sacred meeting?”
Shit! He had her and she knew it. She couldn’t just outright lie to him.
“Yes,” she replied after a beat. “The Freewill did claim multiple times that she was not his mate.”
“Then she now Big C’s mate,” the monster gorilla replied with finality.
I turned to Sally, a look of desperation on my face. “It’s not...” I couldn’t say it with them in earshot.
“You know. We need this. Please!”
Finally, after a long moment, she nodded and stepped close to me. “I know. It has to be done. I understand that.” Thank goodness. “But you should also understand,” she said, lowering her voice to a pitch even I could barely make out, “that the second we’re alone, you are so fucking dead.”
As if I didn’t know that already.
SHOTGUN HONEYMOON
The Humbaba Accord had some stupid rule that the marriage vows would take place in accordance with each species’ personal beliefs.
I had no idea what constituted a vampire marriage. Whatever it was, it probably involved a lot of biting, and no goddamned way was that happening. So I opted instead for a traditional city hall type ceremony with Sheila forced to officiate.
Since she wasn’t an ordained minister, an elected official, or a boat captain, I took some small comfort in knowing that whatever was said wouldn’t be legally binding. Even if it was, dragging a Sasquatch down to the hall of records in Manhattan was not something I’d be doing anytime soon.
Mind you, it really didn’t help that she took great amusement in the “Do you, Bill Ryder, take Muld to be your lawful wedded wife” part.
When the chips were down, everyone wanted to be a comedian.
Oh, and now I had a spouse whose name sounded like mold. Fitting, considering I think she had some growing on her.
Sally’s ceremony was at least slightly more amusing. It involved a lot of screaming, roaring at the sky, and generally acting like she was an extra in a King Kong remake. Less amusing was the death glare she gave me with every new debasing thing she had to do.
Far more tragic was what she was likely going to do to me once she realized I’d palmed my phone and secretly recorded the whole thing. Sure, the world might end and we might all die horribly, but I’d meet my maker knowing there would soon be a couple million views on my YouTube channel. Small victories really did make or break a day.
And, hey, Sasquatch weddings had one thing in common with human ones: there was a customary throwing. Yeah, it wasn’t a bouquet and there was no fucking way any of us wanted to catch a giant lump of shit, but it served to show how truly small the world could be. If we all tried just a little harder, we could all find a common ground to stand on.
Of course, now that all the peace bullshit was done, we needed to get ourselves to a common underground, and to do that, we needed Grulg.
Once the ceremonies had concluded, Big C turned to all those present and declared the truce in effect along with the hope that peace would lead to many cubs for both of us.
That’s when I made my move.
“Mighty Big C,” I said as reverently as I could, which wasn’t much. Sally stood by his side, and it was all I could do to withhold comment on what a blushing bride she made. “I know the peace has just been established, but I wish to ask a favor of you.”
“Favor?” he asked dubiously.
“Though I can’t wait to consummate the marriage to my beautiful wife, I am afraid it must wait. I have a matter of honor that must be satisfied first. I cannot in good conscience make...” I glanced back at the butt ugly Sasquatch female, standing there picking her nose. “...cubs until this matter is satisfied.”
“Matter of honor? Tell Big C.”
“Do you know of an ape ... I mean, warrior named Grulg?”
He thought for a moment, then nodded solemnly. “Yes, Grulg. Honorable war chief. Fight well. Lead well.”
“Yes he is, or does, whatever.” Sally rolled her eyes at my sputtering. “You want to do this?”
“Oh, no,” she replied. “It’s always fun watching the master at work.”
“Anyway, me and my partner, your new wife,” I put an extra big grin on my face as I said that, “were both saved by Grulg some weeks back.”
“Saved?” he asked, raising his sloped brow.
“Yes, we were both imprisoned by an enemy known as the Jahabich.”
“Not know that word.”
“Ugly rock fuckers who can turn into people or others of your kind.”
That he apparently understood because he bared his teeth. “In’luh. We know of them. Enemies to all.”
“You can say that again. Anyway, we were all trapped, and then Grulg offered a truce as per the Humbaba Accord. We didn’t trust him at first, but his actions proved themselves and he led us to safety.” It was stretching the truth, but truce or not, it wouldn’t hurt to butter up these assholes a bit.
“Yes,” Sally added. “Grulg acted honorably that day, despite our unworthiness. It would mean a lot to us to find and express our gratitude. In fact, I really don’t think I could truly give myself to my new...” She gritted her teeth. “Husband with that dishonor hanging shamefully over my head.”
Hell, I didn’t think I could give myself to my new beast even if I taped porn to the inside of my eyelids. But, with any luck, we wouldn’t need to.
The ugly monster appeared to consider this. I just had to hope he wasn’t a horny fucker like Turd. Sally was a grade-A piece and, quite frankly, if I was in his position, I’d have probably said, “Fuck this noise. You can do that shit in the morning.”
“Walk with me,” he said at last. “Words not for females to hear.”
Sally looked insulted by this. Muld just continued to look dumb.
“Why don’t you two ladies bond or something? We’ll be right back.”
I followed Big C as he wandered off into the trees. Though he could have lost me in an instant and double-backed behind me before I’d know it, he kept a slow pace, as if being mindful of my much shorter legs. A small part of me feared he was leading me off so as to beat the shit out of me away from prying eyeballs, so I kept one hand in my pocket on Gan’s vial of ass-kickery. But, instead, he eventually stopped and turned to face me.
“Grulg not here.”
For a moment, I felt a sinking pit form in my stomach. “Um, he’s not dead, is he?”
Thankfully, he shook his head. “Nuh. Grulg mighty warrior. Hard to kill.”
“Oh, that’s good, then.”
“No.”
“No?”
“Freewill T’lunta has acted honorably today.”
I had? Good thing he didn’t realize I had every intention of ditching my marital duties both now and forever. “Thank you, Big C.”
“Big C confess that expected this to be trap. Planned to spring trap instead.”
“Wait, you’re saying this was all an ambush?” Why the fuck was there a need for an ambush? His people had my small group outnumbered by dozens to one. Sure, we had Christy’s coven and Sheila as our surprise allies, but that would have merely delayed the inevitable.
“But now we at peace,” he continued cryptically, or was that cryptidly? “Not all at peace, though.”
“Well, yeah. I mean, word has to get out.” I wasn’t looking forward to that. Once Alex found out we’d signed a peace treaty without his say so, he’d go through the fucking roof. That part was bound to be tricky, especially since it might make him less likely to let us lead him to his death, as we’d been hoping.
“Not what Big C means,” he replied. “Big C only say this. Beware Magi.”
“The Magi?”
“They come to watch, but maybe not just watch.”
I had no fucking idea what he was talking about. Did this idiot actually think that Christy and her coven were on his side? What? Had he been counting on them to go all hippy dippy and declare us enemies of the trees or something? What a fucking idiot. “Thanks. I’ll be sure to keep an eye on them.”
That seemed to mollify his stupid self, because he changed subjects back to the one I was truly interested in. “Grulg far away. He near place of big human huts. Place of T’lunta power.”
Place of power? “Wait, Boston? You mean he’s near Boston?”
He appeared to consider that, probably having never seen Google Maps. “Hear that word before from captured T’lunta.” He nodded. “He sent to lead troops, ne
w allies. Lead them to great victory that others fail at.”
“Okay.” That didn’t really help much. New England was still smaller than Canada, but finding one Sasquatch was bound to be a needle and haystack exercise. “So, any idea how we make contact once we’re there?”
Sadly, I didn’t expect to be given his cell phone number. There was also the small problem of what would happen if the Sasquatches several hundred miles south hadn’t yet gotten a messenger pigeon to let them know peace had been declared.
“Trees will take you,” Big C said.
“The trees?”
“Magic.”
Oh, yeah. The Feet had used that trick to sneak up on us many times. One minute, there’d be nothing but forest and the next, a small platoon of them would step out from behind a tree. It was unnervingly creepy. I hadn’t realized they could also use it as a sort of express train if need be. “And how do we do that?”
“We help. Shamans grant you temporary passage.”
That was good. It would be a fuckload easier to step out of a tree trunk right where Grulg was. Of course, this could be tricky if C expected us to kiss Grulg’s ass and then immediately get back here and make with the fucky-fucky time.
Big C stepped up close and leaned down, almost as if reading my thoughts. “Take all time T’lunta need,” he said. “Not wish to say so she-T’lunta wife hear, but Big C find her ugly. Not looking forward to making cubs.”
HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO CANADA
We were allowed to gather back at our hut to ready ourselves, which also allowed us to take advantage of the wards keeping prying ears out.
It gave me a chance to bring them all up to speed on what I’d learned, including the Sasquatch chief’s offer to send us. I left out, however, the part about him finding Sally about as attractive as a wasp-infested knothole.
Hmm, actually, for all I knew, these fuckers might’ve been into that.
“So he’s not too far from where we were just a few days ago?” Sally asked.
The Tome of Bill (Book 8): The Last Coven Page 15