The Silent Tears of Polygamy
Based on a True Story of an American Female Living in the US
Robin Johnson
Copyright © 2016 by Robin Johnson
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.
Disclaimer:
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
ISBN: 978-0-9976620-2-3
LTG International Publishers, US
Acknowledgement
I thank my loving husband and my adoring family for the encouragement, love and tremendous support that they gave me while I tackled the demanding task of writing this novel, “The Silent Tears of Polygamy.”
All praise is due to my Creator for making it all possible and for bringing it to fruition.
Contents
Acknowledgement
Introduction
I Want the Fairy Tale
My Marriage Begins to Crumble
Heightened Emotions
I’m in Polygamy Now
Moving Forward in Polygamy
Does Anyone Care About Me?
Accepting Polygamy Isn’t Easy
Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Ball of Confusion?
Feelings, Thoughts and Actions
A Rocky Road Ahead
Why I Stay
How We Are Now
A Peculiar Twist
About the Author
Introduction
Have you ever wondered what polygamy truly looks like? Polygamy is an experience with different facets, peculiarities and realities. It’s not what you think it is from the outside. There are deep truths hidden from the public eye.
“The Silent Tears of Polygamy” is based on a true story of an American female living in the United States. It will take you through the journey of a Muslim wife who lives in a polygamous marriage. It tells of her emotional, psychological and physical struggle to accept what was her fate. You’ll get a glimpse of her life and how she survived. It is real and at times sorrowful.
Living in a polygamous marriage usually causes wives an awful heartache, terrible heartbreak, and severe pain. It has been called, “The Mother of all Pain.”
Polygamy has left many women shattered and hapless. It has killed their joy and made them lost and disinterested about life in general. Many women go to the extreme to vent their anger and frustration, and in the process they cause irreparable harm. Interestingly, polygamy can make you a victim or a victor. It depends on the side of the coin that you are on.
Most people, regardless of their faith, do not like polygamy. Most Muslims know that polygamy is a way of life that God has allowed for men. Allah is the Arabic word for God. Nevertheless, it is a difficult lifestyle to accept for most. One must go through a process to acceptance.
Every Muslim woman should expect that there is a possibility that she, too, may one day live in a polygamous marriage. Non-Muslim women who are married to Muslim men should know that it is a lifestyle that they may become a part of as well.
The life and experience of the Muslim female in this novel will serve as a lesson for many. Perhaps, they can avoid the mistakes that she made. She thought her faith in God was strong before her monogamous marriage turned polygamous. She realized later that it was quite weak.
Her story will give you a realistic inside look at the emotional turmoil that many women experience when they live a lifestyle of polygamy.
I Want the Fairy Tale
I’m Anastasia Coleman, an American female Muslim who lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, NY, in the US. Everyone who knows me calls me Ana. Not only is it shorter, but it’s easier to pronounce. You can think of me as Ana, too. I’m going to take you on a journey of my life in a polygamous marriage. Perhaps it would be more accurate to call it a journey of a part of my life.
My marriage was monogamous for five years. For five years it was just me and my husband in holy matrimony. There was no triangular relation, and the only people whom we needed to consider in a nuclear sense were us. That was before my husband took another wife, and a door to a completely different part of life opened to us.
When I look back now, it seems as though a lifetime had passed, and I was left wondering where I was the whole time. Could your life be lived without you? It was a thought that used to drift across the then fertile pasture of my mind.
Growing up, I had dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Who didn’t? I had a clear idea of what I wanted out of life. I mean, yes, I didn’t quite know where or how the little pieces that made up the whole puzzle called life would fit, but I had a pretty good idea of the big picture.
I was going to be a successful woman who did great things and made a positive impact on my world. It wasn’t exactly a priority on my wish list then but down the line, I would get married. We would be partners and together, well, the world better watch out. It was going to be a systematic progression with a time frame allotted to different stages.
Ultimately, maybe things didn’t turn out exactly the way I envisioned, but I’ve come to learn that God is the best of planners, and things always happen for the best whether we know it or not. We can only do our part. The rest of it is the result of whatever fruits our part bears. Well, that is not in our hands, and I have come to find a certain solace in that knowledge.
I’ve been in a polygamous marriage, referred to by many as polygyny, for about four years now. Polygamy in Islam means a husband has more than one wife at the same time. This is allowed in Islam, as God permits a man to have as many as four wives at the same time, if he can fulfill certain conditions.
He should be fair and just in his dealings with them. We all should be kind and just in all our dealings with humanity unless someone fights us with regard to our faith. A husband must not leave a wife feeling as though she has no husband when he inclines towards one wife more than the other. Such an inclination is common and okay. So, in this, it’s not wrong for the man to be polygamous.
Yes, polygamy is permitted by God for men. Even though I know it and accept it, it’s not a lifestyle that I would have chosen for myself. I was constantly on a journey to becoming a better Muslima, but some things were just easier to accept than others. For me, polygamy was one of the not-so-easy ones.
I grew up the same as any ordinary female child in America. I was enchanted with the romantic fairy tales about living happily ever after. I was indoctrinated with good old fashion family values. It would be a husband, a wife and children, with a little dog, in a picturesque house with a white picket fence, in a quaint neighborhood.
My husband is Alec Coleman. The same as me, he is an American Muslim. He and I are “reverts” to Islam. When I say reverts, I mean we weren’t born into Muslim families. Rather, we were Christians who converted to Islam. Some people change their names to Arabic names for one reason or another when they convert to Islam. Neither Alec or I changed our names to Arabic names because we didn’t have a need to. We are not Arabs.
Alec is a director at the Novartis pharmaceutical corporation in Manhattan. He got married to his second wife, Carolyn Wright, while married to me. That was in December of 2001.
Carolyn became the third edge of
this triangle that is our new life. She lives in Far Rockaway, Queens, NY, and is a manager at one of the Walgreens retail stores there. She doesn’t appear to have much ambition seeing that she has worked at the Walgreens for over a decade. It appears she has made it her permanent full-time job. I’m assuming she hasn’t pursued any higher education and only has a high school diploma.
I don’t know if she is Muslim or not, although Alec said she took the Shahada (vow to become a Muslim). To take the Shahada is to make a covenant with God. Other than what Alec said, there is no indication to me that she is a Muslim.
The acts of worship that can be seen are the more obvious ones, and I know she didn’t cover her hair the way Muslim women are commanded to by God. I know this only because my mom said, “I saw Carolyn today while I was out, and she didn’t have her hair covered.” It was after Carolyn purportedly had become Muslim.
Based on what Alec had said, praying and fasting were also not paramount on her to-do list. Alec said she was having a problem with the Arabic in saying the salat (five daily prayers). It’s universally accepted that the five daily prayers are to be said in Arabic. Alec said she couldn’t fast during the Holy month of Ramadan either, due to medication that she had to take.
I never believed that she had a true interest in Islam. I think she agreed to say she is Muslim so she could marry Alec. I think it’s the only reason that she became Muslim, if she is one. Muslims are only supposed to marry Muslims.
Some Muslims are of the erroneous belief that a Muslim man is allowed to marry any woman who isn’t already married. They think that he may marry a non-Muslim woman. It’s nonsense. If a person reads the Quran who has understanding from God, the person would know that a Muslim is only supposed to marry a Muslim. It’s the only sensible way. One should marry the person who has the same beliefs as herself or himself.
I don’t believe that Islam should be used by anyone to get a spouse. Before I married Alec, many suitors approached me. One in particular said that he would become Muslim, if I would marry him. I knew right away that something was seriously wrong with him, if he would agree to become Muslim just so that I would marry him. A person should accept Islam because she or he believes in the religion and wants to serve and worship God only.
Maybe Carolyn was struggling with the practice of Islam or flat out didn’t believe. I don’t know. In a way, I guess she was struggling with the practice of Islam. That was nothing strange or peculiar to her alone. In one way or the other, the three of us all struggle with Islam. That’s the plain, ugly truth.
We each had different lives on our individual journey. God wrote the journey for each of us before we were born. The three of us are now intertwined, and thus my story begins.
I wasn’t present at Alec and Carolyn’s wedding ceremony four years ago, nor did I see any documentation of it. Because of it, I have to take Alec’s word for it that he and she are indeed married. Alec, Carolyn and I now live polygamy.
Although God allows polygamy for men, there are many Muslims and non-Muslims alike who are against polygamy. Some who are for polygamy are only for it as long as it is for “other people.” It doesn’t matter, as long as it isn’t a part of their lives.
They were free to say that it was Halal (permitted as lawful by God) when it was for somebody else but when it involved them, they started singing a different tune. I attribute it to their upbringing and lack of knowledge of God. Perhaps it’s our frail nature as humans and the averse feeling that we have about a certain kind of sharing, the kind of sharing that one finds in polygamy.
I wasn’t so different. I wasn’t a pro-polygamist to begin with. I wanted the fairy-tale marriage associated with monogamy, the supposed blissfulness of a life that was ‘my husband and me only.’ I liked polygamy in theory for other people but not for me. I wasn’t odd, nor the exception to the rule. No woman ever dreams of marrying a man and sharing him with another woman. I mean, no woman does!
Let me tell you a bit more about Alec and me before I continue to talk about Carolyn. During one of the many conversations that Alec and I had before I agreed to marry him, he said that he could take care of me. He assured me that he could pay for all that I need and provide a decent life for us. It’s the Islamic way, so it made me happy to hear it. Who wouldn’t be at the thought of marrying a man who was capable? Yes, it was a plus, but I said I would continue to work regardless.
I was a buyer for Neiman Marcus department store, a dealer in women’s apparel. I liked what I did and the money that I made, not to mention the sense of fulfillment it gave me to be able to earn a living from doing something that I liked. It was a win-win situation, and I was comfortable with it.
Moreover, I’m of the opinion that when a man gives money to a woman, she gives him a certain amount of control over her. In no way did I want Alec to have that much control over me. I wanted to make and have my own money, doing something that gave me joy.
Alec didn’t have any objections to it because it was what I wanted, and we agreed that we’d share expenses when we eventually get married. This way, he’d have plenty of money left to help his family and friends. It’s what he was used to doing and continued to do. I didn’t have any opposition to it. He is a very generous and kind man, which I like.
What I didn’t know and didn’t for the life of me expect, however, was that Alec would one day think he had enough money to take care of another wife. It came out of left field and knocked me out. You could say it was a TKO (technical knockout). I think it’s safe to say it was the last thing that I expected, and I never expected it!
Just about one year after Alec married Carolyn, I permanently stopped working. That was January 2003. I have an idea of what you might be thinking, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. I didn’t stop working to put a burden on Alec and make things difficult for him.
I knew we could manage comfortably without my income, so that was a moot point. In another vein, I had no doubt that if Alec and my marriage didn’t work, I would have enough money to take care of myself. Furthermore, I was mindful that Alec had a legal responsibility to me, one that was afforded to me by our registered State Marriage License.
I quit my job out of concern for my emotional, psychological and physical wellbeing. I was under a tremendous amount of stress from living this new polygamous lifestyle. It was as though I woke up one morning in another person’s life and was walking in another’s shoes. It was all that I wasn’t used to, and I needed time to adjust.
I was negatively affected in that I couldn’t sleep at night and was an insomniac. Added to it, I was unable to focus on my work during the day. It was an enormous disruption for someone like me who was a perfectionist. My life had turned upside down and was spiraling out of control. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I fell into a deep depression. I just didn’t care about anything anymore.
To put it succinctly, polygamy most definitely took an immense toll on me. In the overall state that I was in, it was important that I get myself together and my head uncluttered before I could think of being productive in a job.
Let me give you a little more background information about Alec and me. Going back to the time before a polygamous marriage was my lot, I had decided my life had progressed to a certain level. I was ready, and it was time for me to do the needful and desirable. It was time for me to get married. Remember how I said that I viewed my life as a systematic progression? Well, it seemed it was the time to progress to the next phase.
One of my colleagues named Alejandro, who knew that I was in the market for marriage and was ready to take the plunge, said to me one day,
“I have a friend who is looking for a wife. His name is Alec Coleman.” He continued, “Alec is a Muslim and a divorcee.”
After the brief introduction of Alec’s person, Alejandro then proceeded to tell me a little more about the man, Alec. The discussion progressed with him telling me that Alec traveled a lot for business. It all sounded good to me except for one thing.
Having a traveling husband wasn’t music to my ears. It wasn’t something that I wanted. Consequently, I was hesitant to meet him at first. I wasn’t very wild about the idea of having a husband who spends as much time at home as he does away.
I had been single for some time. If I were to get married, there should be a distinctive difference in the lifestyles. I thought that it shouldn’t be a fifty percent present husband, fifty percent of the time. I’m a strong woman, and I managed my life quite well while I was single. It wasn’t that I needed Alec to take care of me or anything of that nature. I simply didn’t fancy the idea of having a partner who was away a lot of the time.
Nonetheless, from everything that Alejandro said, it seemed that Alec was an okay person. Alejandro was persistent and wouldn’t take no for an answer that I’d meet Alec. It helped that I knew Alejandro quite well, as we had worked together for years. I surmised that he was a good judge of character. I took a chance, and I finally agreed to meet Alec.
Alejandro arranged for Alec to call me, and Alec did. He and I chatted and eventually decided to have an early dinner together in the coming days. I had still not formed an opinion of him. I was determined not to do that based on a few chats. I could be off target, and I was determined not to be. I was going to wait until we meet, hopefully have a nice dinner and then decide what to think of him.
The days passed steadily while I eagerly anticipated meeting this man called Alec whom I had heard only nice things about. The agreed upon day for our dinner arrived. We met and dined at a casual Asian Halal Restaurant. Halal is the equivalent of Kosher. It’s lawful food for Muslims. It was a beautiful dinner, and Alec was an interesting dinner partner. I was quite comfortable with him. It was easy.
“So, tell me about yourself,” said Alec. I assumed Alec must have been trying to draw a conclusion about me, the same as I was trying to draw a conclusion about him. I talked about myself, and he talked about himself. He talked about his life and about his journey thus far. He was enthusiastic and inquisitive. He was charming and attentive. I enjoyed being with him and he seemed to enjoy my company likewise.
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