The man never seemed happier. After I got through with him, he was out like a light, he passed out into a deep sleep. I was concerned at times that I may have overdone it, and I checked to make sure I hadn’t killed him. It was a beautiful period in this quagmire that our lives had become.
I wasn’t doing it to change Alec’s mind about marrying Carolyn. I pretty much knew it was unlikely to change his mind. I wanted to remind him, though, that he had a whole lot of woman over here in me, and Carolyn wasn’t my replacement. If anything, she was just an addition. He had his work cut out for him.
I’ve been married to Alec for five years, and it is amazing, that I didn’t really know my husband. I was so self-absorbed, self-centered and outrightly arrogant. I hadn’t taken any significant time to get to know how he thought, what he thought, what his feelings were or why he was feeling it. I didn’t know what made him happy and what his low notes were. I’m just beginning to find out.
I primarily complained about what Alec did and didn’t do, about my wants, my needs, my likes and dislikes. Looking back, I was mostly about me, me, and me. I was accustomed to getting most of what I wanted, when I wanted it, and how I wanted it. I thought the world revolved around me. How very silly I was to have thought it. It is a big world out there. How could only I matter?
The thought of Alec becoming polygamous humbled me. It had never crossed my mind, nor had I ever dreamt that Alec would ever consider it. If someone would have mentioned that he was going to do it, I probably would have laughed it off. But here we were, and the impossibilities of yesterday were becoming today’s realities.
In the past, I used to come home and tell Alec stories about people in neighboring communities who were involved in polygamy. I didn’t leave out the rate at which they were getting divorced either. Alec, too, had shared with me a couple of such similar stories. Did I plant a seed by talking about it to him?
Now that I had learned that Alec was going to marry Carolyn, I found myself changing. I was becoming more and more attached to Alec, and I focused all my attention on him. I swung way over to the opposite side from being dismissive of him to becoming obsessed with him. It was as though I was scared of losing him completely and, hence, was doing everything that I could to keep him close.
Although I was still staying conscious of God, I had now become much more focused on Alec. He became the center of my attention. He was the number one person whom I looked at, both literally and figuratively. That is something a Muslim should never do, and it was an act that I was constantly guilty of.
God, not a husband, should always be a wife’s focus of attention. God commands us to focus all our attention on Him. I knew it all in theory. I knew it in my head and in my heart. I remembered what God’s injunctions are, but I wanted to hold onto my husband. Consequently, I neglected my duty to God. I was in trouble.
During this time, when I was losing myself, my wali said something very profound to me that I won’t forget. He said, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you.” “It’s what a chase is all about,” he said. He advised me time and time again that nothing should ever be more important to me than God. He said, “Stop chasing Alec.”
Now, it is December of 2001. I can hear a mental tick-tock, taking note of the passing of time and heralding the coming of Alec’s wedding day to Carolyn. The day of the wedding was drawing nigh, and I needed to have more details from Alec about the upcoming event. I already knew the date of the marriage. It was scheduled for a day, midweek, which jolted me. Who weds on a weekday? I thought it was peculiar, but better her than me.
It was music to my ears to hear that they wouldn’t have the type of wedding and festivities that he and I had. He and I had the royal treatment when we got married. Furthermore, my marriage to Alec is legal. It makes me feel that I have something above and beyond what she’ll ever have with Alec, while I’m married to him.
Alec said he was going to go to work the day of the wedding. The wedding would take place after Maghrib (the sunset prayer), and it was going to be held at a masjid in Carolyn’s hometown. He said it was a day of the week that she usually would be off from work. “Would you be going for a honeymoon?” I asked. I just wanted to know.
“No.”
He said he and Carolyn plan to go away sometime the next year. The whole plan and arrangements for their wedding didn’t sound at all romantic or glamorous to me. Although not nice to say, I was happy knowing that they wouldn’t have all the hoopla that he and I had. Taking a honeymoon later isn’t the same as taking one immediately after just getting married.
Despite it, this was a time of struggle for me. I was constantly trying to remind myself that God is the Best of Planners and what He has planned is best for me, even if I couldn’t see it. The beauty of polygamy in Islam is that each wife is supposed to have her own separate dwelling. It was part of God’s perfect plan.
It was ideal that we’d each have our own home, as I couldn’t see myself living with another woman who was also my husband’s wife. Even when I was a young girl living in my parent’s house, I never liked sharing a room with any of my sisters. Some people like communal living. I happen to be one of those who don’t. I love my privacy, and I value my alone time.
Knowing that Carolyn didn’t live near me made it better, as well. Although she didn’t live very far away, it was just far enough. Alec didn’t have far to travel from her home to mine. The travel distance to and from both houses to his job were the same. I didn’t know exactly where she lived at this time, but I was sure to find out.
I continued to ask Alec questions. I lightened up on the threats that I had been giving him and stopped being in denial that the marriage was going to happen. Now that it seemed more than likely that it would happen, the best thing to do was to prepare for the changes that would inevitably come with it.
“What would the schedule be?” I asked Alec.
It’s a common Islamic practice that when the husband is polygamous, if the new bride is a non-virgin, she receives three nights with her husband after the wedding. In the case of a virgin bride, it would be seven nights. After that part is over, they can then find their rhythm, and the schedule can be anything as long as all the spouses agree to it.
Alec’s answer to my question was that he would stay four nights with Carolyn after the wedding. He would then come home and have three nights with me. The schedule would then be–three and three.
I knew he was only supposed to stay three nights with her after the wedding. Everyone who knew her or knew of her, knew that she was no virgin. Nonetheless, I didn’t squabble with him about giving her an extra day. I had ditched the Miss Crazy cloak. I wasn’t exactly interested in donning it again. I had him five years to myself. It’s something that she won’t get to experience with Alec as long as I stay married to him.
I liked knowing that he was sexual with her before he met and married me. It was easier knowing that it wouldn’t be the first time that he and she would be together in that way. I thought that once he and she resumed the relationship, he’d remember why he didn’t marry her in the first place.
Speaking of sexual relations, polygamy had me thinking about the saying that a person has sex with whomever the partner has sex with, as well. In light of the serious STD (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) that are prevalent today, I was anxious not knowing who Carolyn had been with over the last five years. I knew she had no qualms about being with a married man, so I thought her morals must be awfully low.
I said to Alec that I was concerned about Carolyn and whether it was safe for me to continue to be intimate with him, not knowing if she is HIV positive or not. I was worried about whether she is clean or if I’d contract an STD from Alec after he has sexual relations with her.
“You need to have her take an AIDS test.” I wasn’t trying to be crazy, but I had to be careful.
He said he would ask her to take one, if it would ease my mind. I said, yes it would. Deep down, I think I was also try
ing to jerk him around by adding pressure to his and her relationship. I wouldn’t like being asked to take the test, if it were me. I figured it would annoy her to receive such a request.
The next day, Alec comes home and tells me that she took the test, and she’s negative. Although I knew it was a stretch for me to ask to see her test results, I asked anyway.
Before Alec went to work the next morning, I said, “I want to see the results for myself.” Alec said he couldn’t show them to me. He argued that the results were private and confidential; therefore, he couldn’t show them to me. This raised doubts in my head, and I didn’t believe him when he said she had taken the test that quickly.
It was silly of Alec to think that I would believe that he asked Carolyn to take the test, and she agreed without hesitation. Had she agreed and taken the test the same day? He made it sound too simple and easy, and I didn’t believe it was that trouble free. However, there was no way I could make him give me proof, so I had to let that particular sleeping dog lie.
I think any woman who has a polygamous husband would be concerned about whether or not she may contract a sexually transmitted disease from him. You can only absolutely vouch for yourself and no one else. Who knows what the other woman does and with whom?
There are only two ways to stay safe: embrace celibacy or have the husband wear a condom. Both options are nay options for me. What married couple wants to resort to either of the two when they shouldn’t have to. After all, a wife should feel safe having sex with her husband and vice versa. It’s a protection that marriage should give a spouse, being with one person with a certain sense of certainty and assurance.
Just because a test shows her to be HIV negative doesn’t mean that she won’t venture out there with other men once she’s married to Alec. There is no guarantee. Wives of polygamous men have been known to have affairs and what is known as ‘payback sex.’ They have sex with men other than their husbands to get even with them for being polygamous. It wasn’t as though Carolyn had been Muslim for a significant amount of time and was concerned about her chastity, purity and virtue.
As time went on, my questions only increased, and I wasn’t shy about asking them. I asked what the dowry for Carolyn would be. According to Islam, a wife is to receive a dowry from her husband. Alec said that she wanted the same thing that I got. Poor thing, she lacked originality.
When he said she wanted what I got, I remembered immediately that he had recently asked me for a copy of his and my Islamic marriage contract. I hadn’t thought much of it when he asked for it, but now it made sense to me. In order for her to know what I got as a dowry, he must have told her and shown her my Islamic marriage contract as proof.
It is the practice of Muslims to have private marriage contracts for the spouses, as they do not always have registered Marriage Licenses or Certificates. I could see the rationale for it, especially because there is an option that men may be polygamous. Unless in a Muslim country where polygamy is legal and recognized, a man can only have one legal Marriage License.
If a couple wants to marry, but the man already has a Marriage License with another wife, he would have no other option but to have an Islamic contract. The Islamic contract would be with the wife or wives whom aren’t legal wives. They must do it that way to avoid being charged with “Bigamy.” Bigamy is having more than one legally registered Marriage License, which is a crime in the United States.
Alec and I had both a legal Marriage License registered with the State in which we live and an Islamic marriage contract. When he asked me for our Islamic marriage contract, I had just thought he wanted to review it before he married Carolyn.
I said, “Did you show our marriage contract to Carolyn?” He said, “I did.” He was honest about it, but, right then and there, I didn’t appreciate his brand of honesty. It hurt me to hear that he had done it. I was more upset and angry at him than anything else for having violated my privacy.
I asked him how he could have shared our marriage contract with her without asking for my permission. His and my contract was personal, and he owed me the courtesy of letting me know if he intended for another pair of eyes to see it. After all, it was between only the two of us.
He said that he gave it to her as a sample of my exemplary work. He wanted her to use it to write her marriage contract. He said he thought it should be a sample format for all Muslims. I was not the least bit flattered. I didn’t care anything about that. The result of Carolyn’s supposed HIV test was private and confidential, but our marriage contract wasn’t?
I was violated and exposed. How could Alec have done such a thing to me? How could he give my personal information to her? That was disrespectful. Not surprisingly, he didn’t show me the marriage contract that he and she prepared for themselves.
Alec had refused to sign ours over five years ago before we got married; therefore, his and my Islamic marriage contract was invalid now. Now that we were on the subject again, I said, “Our Islamic Marriage Contract is null and void anyhow, because you never signed it.” He said, “I’ll sign it now.” “You didn’t sign it then; you won’t sign it now,” I said. Do you take me for an idiot?
Oh, it’s okay for him to sign it now when it’s beneficial to him. In the contract it indicates that Islamic law would supersede anything in the contract, if a conflict arose in it.
I’m almost certain that Naima, his step-daughter, had advised him against signing it. He communicated with her often before he and I married. He was getting advice from her. I think she advised him against signing the contract because of her beliefs. She was the type of Muslim woman who dressed all in black, in burqa, with nothing but her eyes showing. She went as far as to cover her hands with gloves, as well.
In Alec and my Islamic marriage contract, I had put that I wouldn’t have to wear burqa or go to the masjid, and I could work. It wasn’t a stretch to assume that Naima would have a problem with those terms and why. Truth be told, even though we were cordial to each other, I never liked her.
From what I knew of her, she was a sly and devious person. Her history also did her justice. She had conspired against her own mother to hurt her. Who was I, then, an outsider, to expect something different from her. She knew that her mother suspected Carolyn of having an affair with Alec while her mother was still married to him. She knew that her mother despised Carolyn. Yet, Naima didn’t hesitate to help Alec and Carolyn wed.
I learned that Naima was in cahoots with Alec in helping him to marry Carolyn. I abhor Naima. I mean it in every sense of the word. Even though I haven’t had a reason to think back to that faithful evening, I distinctly recall the time my mom and I had joined Alec at his mom’s home back in September, and Naima was there.
My mom and I later came to realize that Carolyn had intended to be there that evening as well. A wrench was thrown into their plans when my mom and I decided to go to Alec’s mom’s home that evening. It would have been a smooth sail, if I had stuck with my decision not to go before Ali advised me otherwise.
Though I had discarded the thought then, I now realized why Alec, in front of Naima and the others, that one evening, had badmouthed me about not cooking. He wanted to justify why he was taking another wife. Maybe to his audience there, but mostly, I feel he wanted or maybe needed to justify it to himself. It is just unfortunate and sad that he needed to tell a bald-faced lie to make himself look better. It must have a connection to the underdog syndrome.
I recall that in the very early days of our marriage, Alec had spoken to me about former relationships that he had. He had said Carolyn was lazy and didn’t cook. He had painted a picture of how he had to come home from work and cooked for her and her children.
It had been impossible not to feel sorry for him, all the while thinking that Carolyn, whoever she was, must have been a terrible person. He never spoke of her unless I asked him a question about his previous relationships.
It was obviously my turn now. Alec was making me out to be a bad person, so that he
wouldn’t look bad in the sight of others for marrying another woman while being married to me. I shouldn’t have been surprised because before I married Alec, he said that Asiya was “crazy.” Well, he may have gotten that one right.
Naima had tried to get Alec to marry her friend before he married me. Her friend had five kids. Alec had declined the invitation. He told me that he wasn’t interested in raising five kids, especially when he had already helped raise his ex-wife’s children. I didn’t blame him one bit. Why would Naima want to put that kind of responsibility and pressure on him after he had already helped to raise her and her siblings?
Getting back to the here and now, every now and again, I’d ask Alec something about Carolyn. I asked him how it came about that she agreed to marry him. He stated that he and she were talking one day and she said, “You’re Muslim, right? And Muslims are allowed to have more than one wife. Well, why don’t you marry me?” He said to me that he gave it some thought, and it made sense to him. He let her know that he would marry her, but for her not to think that he was going to divorce me (Ana).
I’m in Polygamy Now
The day that Alec married Carolyn was surprisingly uneventful for me. I had expected to be a complete wreck. I thought I would be crying my eyes out, hysterical and simply crushed. But it had been anything but what I had imagined. The only explanation is that God made it easy for me. I had asked Him to.
I assumed Alec had gone to work that day and married Carolyn that evening. I didn’t hear from him on the day he was to marry her. I was determined to get through the day as normally as possible. I woke up my regular time, did everything that I had to do, and then I went to work. I was amazed that I was able to do it.
When the workday was over, a friend and I decided to have girl time and so, we went shopping. When we separated after shopping, I headed home. I didn’t think I could, but I was able to sleep that evening. There was no boo hooing. I didn’t shed a tear. There were no episodes. I simply went to bed and slept peacefully that night. Shockingly, as cliché as it may be, I slept like a lamb.
The Silent Tears of Polygamy Page 5