We went back and forth about it. I was enraged. I called him so many offensive names, one such name that I called him was a “coward.” It was putting it mildly. I was disappointed in him for not being able to stand up to her. Everything involving him, her and me had gotten totally out of hand. He, being the man, should have his wives and homes in order.
Alec and I telephoned each other back and forth. He said he was on the phone with Carolyn, trying to convince her to change her mind. I couldn’t believe that he just didn’t come home to me and tell her that she forfeited her days, and he would return to her the next go around. Alec and I were making no headway.
“Are you crazy?” I said, “If you’re not here this weekend, I am going to start divorce proceedings on Tuesday” (Monday would be Memorial Day).
We finally ended the calls after hours of going back and forth with each other. Soon, he called me back and said, I thinks I convinced her to leave the schedule the way it was.”
He said he had told her that she couldn’t take back a gift once it was given.
I didn’t understand it. How did she give me those days? He had said he was the one who wanted to celebrate each of our birthdays and anniversaries with each of us respectively. Now, he was telling me that she gifted me those days.
I interpreted what was happening like this: Alec hadn’t let Carolyn know that he and I would be away celebrating our anniversary while we were on vacation. So, she had been unaware that Alec was away with me until she had found out from me in the text messages that I sent her. She didn’t like it. She then decided the best way to handle it was to take matters into her own hands by trying to change the schedule.
Now, there was an issue, and it could have been caused by one or more chain of events following each other. Did Alec deceive her by not telling her the whole truth? He didn’t’ have to tell her that he and I would be away celebrating our anniversary on our vacation. Was it the occurrence that sparked the chain of events? What he and I do is none of her business.
Were my text messages to her the catalyst for the dark, thick cloud that hung over what I only days before thought would be my special anniversary weekend? Come to think of it, she had her ass up on her shoulders before he and I even left for our vacation, which is why now he was probably in a piss poor mood.
I know what this is. It’s war. I calmed down a bit and was more rational. During this calm and rational moment, I thought to myself: I will not divorce Alec; he was my husband first; why should I have to divorce my husband to make Carolyn happy? I will remain in this polygamous marriage, and we’ll see who will breakdown first.
This wasn’t all Carolyn’s fault. It wasn’t all mine, either. Alec had his own part to play in it. When a husband is polygamous and takes directions from one wife when he has two, what type of an effect does it have on the marriage?
A second wife tells her husband that she doesn’t want him there with her and tells him to go to his other wife. And he considers it. She then calls him back whenever she wants him. And he accepts that too and expects the first wife to fall in whatever line they draw.
It is utter nonsense. Tell me where in Islam there is an indication that a wife can dictate the comings and goings of her husband and, in essence, takes control of the life of the husband and his other wife. It means that she controls the husband and his other wife’s lives. There is no place for that in Islam, and you won’t find it in the Holy Qur’an.
The days came and went steadily. The day that Alec was to come home arrived. The wait was hard on me all the while that I was waiting to see if he’d come home for our anniversary.
Although I believed he’d be here, considering what happened a few days ago, I wasn’t certain. I had asked him if he was coming home for our anniversary, but he wouldn’t give me a definitive answer. I was on edge, and I was anxious. Suffice it to say, it was not a good day.
Eventually, Alec telephoned me, as usual. He was on his way home and asked if I needed him to pick up anything. Oh, what a relief it is. It reminded me of the Alka-Seltzer advertisement. “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is.” The relief of that moment was exhilarating. Now the waiting was over for me, and I could do away with wondering ‘if.’
I suggested to Alec that we take a drive to pick up Halal Chinese Food. It was about a forty-minute drive. He said that we could go.
He came home and dropped off a new vacuum cleaner that I had said we needed. Then, we took the drive to get Chinese food and stopped at a bakery on the way for some goodies, as well. After which, we went back home. It was the start of a good, uneventful evening. He seemed his usual self, and I was quite happy.
I asked Alec if I should be ready at any specific time or wear anything special for our anniversary, which was the next day. I didn’t know what he had planned, and I wanted to dress up and tailor my preparation to whatever it was we would be doing. Alec said he hadn’t planned anything. He said he thought I had planned something.
He said we usually don’t do anything during the holiday weekend, that we do something before the holiday begins. It was not a rule that we followed every time. I, however, thought, well, we had gone away on vacation just last week.
The entire time that we were there had been a nice one and a celebration of our anniversary. The resort gave us the first class treatment, pampered us and provided us with the perfect ambiance to help us celebrate. It seemed like enough. So, what more could I ask for? Why wasn’t it enough?
Nonetheless, I was still anxious and tense. Life is stressful enough on its own without any extra influence and assistance. Add polygamy to the mix and what you have is a hot polygamous mess.
I was thinking that maybe all the commotion surrounding her demands and whether or not he was coming home put a damper on our celebration. Perhaps he no longer was in a celebratory mood.
So, it’s Alec and my wedding anniversary day. Normally, Alec is a very romantic person and has a propensity for doing sweet things. He brings me flowers for no special reason at all. He was looking forward to our anniversary before Carolyn attempted to dictate to him how things would be. She thought she could tell him where he should be and when.
The big day is here, and he does not mention our anniversary. My husband who is romantic on a regular day when nothing special is happening now goes mute on our wedding anniversary. I asked him if he would like to go to the movies. He said he wouldn’t mind. I asked if he would like to go the theatre to see a play. He said we could, if I’d like to. He said just let him know, and he’d order the tickets online.
It was our anniversary, not mine alone. I was getting the feeling that Alec was physically with me, but not mentally with me, and it bothered me. Alec essentially was saying we could do whatever I wanted. All I really wanted was to have us do something we would both enjoy doing while spending some quality time together doing it. If he was only with me physically and his mind was elsewhere, it wasn’t going to work.
Alec continued to show no enthusiasm. I could tell that he didn’t want to do any of those things that I suggested. He left the house one time, and I thought maybe it was to call Carolyn. I was hoping he’d come back with flowers, but he didn’t. It was a day that should have been romantic but for whatever reason, there was no romance, and he didn’t appear to be happy.
The next day was still our anniversary, as we had our formal wedding reception the next evening after we had the wedding ceremony. We had two days to celebrate. It was a second chance by which the day before could be redeemed.
Nonetheless, Alec still didn’t say, ‘Happy Anniversary.’ Following the pattern of yesterday, he left the house that day as well. Again, I thought he’d come back with flowers. Again, as with yesterday, there were no flowers. He apparently had left the house to call Carolyn.
It was all just very frustrating, and I was at my wits end. I was on edge and needed to release the tension. I can’t remember how, but Alec and I got to talking. He mentioned that Carolyn wants all of her days back. He s
aid that she had given them to me. He also said he knew I had text her for her to know that he and I were away on vacation and where. He said he hadn’t told her. He said, “She wants to punish you and me.”
Yet again, I couldn’t understand how he was allowing her to exercise that kind of control over him and, by default, over me. He was obsessing over her to the point that he and I couldn’t enjoy our special day. She didn’t like when he and I vacationed. She didn’t want me to have anything. Here I am sharing my husband with her, a person who obviously couldn’t get a husband of her own. The woman really and truly wanted me not to exist.
I said, “I didn’t want the extra three days that you had attached to make it six for our anniversary. I didn’t asked for six days.” I said, “She must have had an agenda for giving them to me in the first place.” I’m sure s he wanted something in return,” I said.
He said that he wasn’t going to give her the days back. I said, “She only wanted Memorial Day weekend all of a sudden because her job gave her off at the last minute.”
Throughout the night, we bickered back and forth about it. I said, “Don’t ever give me anything in the future that I don’t ask for.” I hadn’t asked for the six days to begin with. He and she had fixed the days that way. Now, Carolyn was using it as a string to tie us into knots.
I reminded him that he always speaks about being “fair and just.” I said, “Make sure the next time you and Carolyn celebrate your anniversary, you sit at home with her and watch TV the same way that you had done with me.”
“You have set a precedent,” I said. I said, “If you want to be unbiased and practice equality in your dealings with
Carolyn and me, then it should be your practice with her as well.” I said, “I will remember our anniversary as the day that I regret having married you.”
Alec walked into the bedroom, but I wasn’t done. I kept going back and forth and in and out of the bedroom, and I wasn’t quietly moving in and out. I kept yelling at him the way
I had done when he first married Carolyn a year and a half ago. But it wasn’t the same now; something was different. And that was Alec’s level of patience.
A year and a half ago when I yelled at him about something involving Carolyn when he had just married her, he would ignore me for the most part. Alec used to not respond to me when I acted crazy. I was the one who would tire myself out and maybe fall asleep. His motto then had been silence. It was not so, now.
The last time I did my back and forth and stormed into the bedroom, I said something else to him about the situation. I can’t remember what I said. Whatever it was, it had the effect of making Alec jump up and out of bed.
I fled into the living room. He stormed into the living room right behind me. He had something to say to me. I was sitting on the couch, trembling uncontrollably when he came to me and said, “You just can’t keep coming at me like that.”
“Get away from me,” I said. I then ran into the bedroom. He followed me there, as well. Again, I said, “Get away from me.” Again, I did an about-face and went back into the living room. Now I was panic-stricken. I sat down on the couch.
Alec went and got me a glass of water, probably with the thought that it would calm me down. He said, “Here, drink it.” But I didn’t. I just curled up into the tiniest little ball, the smallest that I could get myself into on the couch. I was crying, and I just couldn’t stop. I kept praying to God that He wouldn’t let me be the one to breakdown first.
There wasn’t anything Alec could do for me. He went back into the bedroom, and I stayed on the couch for a while. The rest of the evening was quiet and uneventful. I later went into the bedroom and went to sleep.
It had been a weekend of an unstable emotional ride. Nothing had turned out the way that I, and I suspect even Alec, had expected. It didn’t come as a surprise then that I was mentally exhausted after the several days of intense drama with Alec about the schedule and our wedding anniversary.
This was a tumultuous time for me, and my polygamous marriage was taking a toll on me physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I looked in the mirror, and I didn’t see myself anymore. The person whom I had always seen staring back at me was no longer there. It was a totally different person whom I didn’t recognize.
Where did the beauty queen go? My wali had looked at me one day and for the second time (while I’ve been in this polygamous marriage), he said he thought it was all over for me. First he thought I had lost my mind, and now he thought that I had lost my beauty.
I met with my wali and told him what had happened the night before. I asked him to please call Alec and speak to him on my behalf for my own sanity. I said, “I can’t take this anymore.” He said that he would.
While my wali put a call through to Alec, I was present for the conversation although it wasn’t a three way. My wali used my cell phone to call Alec. Alec, therefore, knew that I was with my wali during the call. The conversation started with my wali greeting Alec the Islamic way. He said, “As Salaamu Alaikum” and engaged Alec in a mere moment of cordial dialogue.
“Your relationship with your second, your other wife, is spilling over into your marriage.”
Although it wasn’t a three-way conversation, I could hear Alec quickly rambling on; but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. In the course of the discussion, my wali yelled at Alec a few times. He said,
“You have to shut it down. Shut it down.”
He kept yelling at Alec, saying, “Shut it down.” It meant for Alec to put an end to it. Take control and be authoritative. He, after all, was the husband, and he needed to be at the helm of the affairs of his family. My wali said,
“Carolyn is a new Shahada and faith hasn’t yet entered her heart.”
He reminded Alec that the fact that a person takes the Shahada (vow to be Muslim) doesn’t automatically mean she becomes a Muslim overnight. Taking the Shahada was a step, but it wasn’t the only one that made a ‘believer.’ Becoming a Muslim might seem easy, but living the life of a Muslim is a journey that one would take every day. My wali then said,
“A woman will try you. A woman doesn’t care anything about you, me, anything or anyone, but herself, and getting what she wants.”
“You have to be firm,” he said.
He kept saying to Alec, “You must be firm.” It was his duty to be firm, and it was one he had to rise to.
That was just one of the things that my wali addressed in the call. I listened as my wali spoke to Alec about me. He said,
“I thought Ana would have adjusted to the polygamous marriage by now, but she hasn’t.” He said, “Your marriage is crumbling because it wasn’t built on the right foundation.”
Alec didn’t start a life of being polygamous on a good footing, nor the right footing.
He said, “You didn’t consult with Ana before you engaged in polygamy. You just said how it was going to be.” My wali said,
“There is no compulsion in Islam.” “You can’t force anything on Ana.”
He said, “If you want her to do something or to agree to something, then you need to consult with her.” In conclusion, my wali said to Alec,
“She is your wife. She is fragile. Be gentle. Be kind to her.” I was happy that my wali had spoken with Alec. I was calmer and more relaxed now. I thought that it may make a difference with Alec and me going forward. It had been my life that was on the line too, but Alec hadn’t deemed it fit to ask for my input before he did something so drastic that changed our lives. Polygamy is a huge undertaking. He just did what he wanted to do and expected everything else to fall into place.
Had Alec consulted with me, I could have made my intention to take what I thought was the best course of action for me. I could have made my intention about what was right for me to do given a reasonable amount of time.
No matter how hard I strive to move past it, it’s inevitable that there will be good days as well as bad ones. The fact would always be that Alec hadn’t consulted with me before
doing something so radical. I’m not sure it would have made a world of difference if he’d done it, but maybe it would have afforded me more time to come to terms with the idea of a new way of life.
Why I Stay
“All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the lonely people”
Here I’m doing chores around the house and singing the lyrics to “Eleanor Rigby,” a song that the rock band, “The Beatles” sang back in the late sixties. It’s amazing how the lyrics are so in tune to what I’m going through in my polygamous marriage. I think about how lonely I am in this marriage and why I stay in it. I must ask myself; Why do I stay in my marriage, if I’m so lonely while in it?
Just to think that I had dinner with my husband nightly and then, without much warning, I’m left eating alone and having to fend for myself for a meal. Chef Alec just up and quit on me and went to prepare and serve dinner for another family.
Didn’t he consider what would happen to me? Did he think I’d stop eating? Maybe he assumed that I’d do what I usually do when he’s away on a business trip. I didn’t miss any meals then, so why would I miss any now? If he thought that way, he was wrong. I missed some meals when he first became polygamous. How else did I lose all that weight?
There was no one who actually got me. No one understood what I was going through. My wali, being a man of course, wouldn’t know what life for me was all about now. Muslims who weren’t in a polygamous marriage didn’t know either. I didn’t know anyone up-close and personal who actually lived in a polygamous marriage. There was no one for me to ask, if they feel the same way that I do.
My non-Muslim family hadn’t a clue. Some of them wondered why I was having a problem with a polygamous marriage that is part of the Islamic way. Even Carolyn thought the same. She asked Alec why I was having a problem with it. They just didn’t get it. I’m no different than they are in one respect. I wasn’t raised in polygamy the same as they weren’t. Polygamy was just as foreign to me as it was to them.
The Silent Tears of Polygamy Page 18