A huge variable is the cultural issue. One has to be very careful when it comes to marrying a foreigner. She risks being used by a man for immigration/Green Card/Citizenship. I have learned a lot about people who scam others for personal gain and pretend to love a person when they don’t.
I don’t want to be a part of that game. Alec is a citizen and I know he is not using me for anything. He has just as much as I have and vice versa. He and I complement each other. We have a lot in common, more than not.
With the cultural issues come the men who think of women as chattel. They want women as their property, something they control and own. They view them as second class citizens. They think women are for being maids and sex slaves. It’s not what I’m about.
One really needs to consider a person’s cultural upbringing when thinking of marriage. I’m an educated American woman, and I can’t see myself marrying someone of another culture, being aware of what occurs regularly with people using others for immigration status. I don’t have time to differentiate between who is legit and forthright and who isn’t.
Before I married Alec, there were two Egyptian men whom I had considered for a husband. My wali warned me about marrying a foreigner and the problems that are associated with it.
When I told Alejandro (he’s the man who introduced me to Alec) that I was considering marriage to an Egyptian, he was quick to tell me not to do it. He said I would have many problems with the culture, and many of those men would want me to help them get citizenship.
I assumed that Alejandro knew what he was talking about because he is an American Salvadoran. He’d know more about what some foreign men do than I’d know. I hadn’t given it much thought, but it did make my ears perk up and caused me to think about what he had said when I thought of divorcing Alec. At least Alec is an American and we have that in common, which is a lot.
I don’t know if another Muslim man would be willing to marry me with a Marriage License unless he is looking to gain a Green Card. Many Muslim men marry without having a Marriage License. It’s better that way, if he’s going to be polygamous and wants all of his wives to have equal worldly status.
Of all the deal breakers that I have, not to have a Marriage License would be a huge one. I like knowing that I’m legally married and registered. I’m in the system. I love the security that it gives me, even if the sense of security is false.
There was a lot for me to be scared of. My fears were real and not baseless. I had very good reasons for all of them. I didn’t want to jump out of the fire with Alec and into the frying pan with some degenerate or worse. Furthermore, who wants to have to get naked all over again with another man? I mean naked literally and figuratively. It’s not easy.
When I say get naked, it’s more than just taking off one’s clothes. They have to open up all over again and learn about each other’s likes, dislikes, fears, idiosyncrasies, beliefs, medical issues and the like. They have to learn each other’s personality and disposition.
It would be easier for me to keep Alec. It’s always much easier to deal with the known rather than the unknown. There is a certain amount of comfort and security that come with the familiar.
When talking with my wali, I said, “Do you want to know another reason I haven’t made my intention to divorce Alec?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “I don’t want Carolyn to have him all to herself.” Why should I give up my husband to her and have to go out there in search of another? I would be a complete fool to divorce him, let him marry her legally, and I give up all that I’ve acquired with Alec for the last several years.
I know what I have with Alec. I know that he loves me, and I love him, as well. Why would I give up who I love to some intruder in my life? I’m not about to turn over to her the keys to my life with my husband . If she wants to be a part of his life, then she’ll be a part of it with me. I intend that she will not have Alec to herself as his only wife, if I have a say in the matter.
I’m not about to go out there and look for another man or cruise marriage websites in search of a husband when I have a very good one already. I have established some beautiful memories with Alec as his wife. His mother shows me love. His family members show me love. They see me as Alec’s only wife.
I suppose I’m not very sympathetic or compassionate towards Carolyn. It’s because of the way that she became a part of my life. What kind of woman marries another woman’s husband in a polygamous marriage and dismisses her and disrespect her the way that Carolyn does me? Who does that? And, then she expects me to have some consideration for her? No. She’ll have to take the backseat in Alec’s life.
She nursed Alec back to good health when he was depressed, sad and upset while going through his divorce from Asiya. According to Alec, she comforted him when he and I were having problems. I suppose I could say, she serves a very good purpose in Alec’s life. She comforts him when he thinks I’m not treating him right.
I often wonder if Alec had married someone other than Carolyn, if I would have accepted her. Of course, it is a useless thought. Everything is the way that it is supposed to be and can be no other way. So, it’s a waste of time and energy for me to wonder such a thing. My life was written for me before I was born. The script was written and the ink is dried.
There are perks to being in a polygamous marriage. When Alec is with Carolyn and not at home with me, I have freedom to come and go as I please (of course, I go only as God wills me to). I just get up and go, without a care in the world. There’s no one for me to answer to. I’m free as a bird like a Robin.
I love my alone time and my space. I’ve always been a very reserved person who enjoys reading and relaxing in solitude. I exercise and beautify myself at leisure. I don’t have to make the bed, if I don’t want to. I get to become undone, meaning I don’t always have to look my best all the time. I get to have it all when Alec is not here. Don’t get me wrong. I do miss the man terribly at times when he is away.
There is a classic black and white movie, “From the Terrace,” that I’ve watched on TV a couple of times. The actor Joanne Woodward in the movie said that marriage gives her “status, security, and a wonderful sense of Freedom.” I’ve got that in my marriage. Why would I let it go?
The grass always looks to be greener on the other side, as the phrase goes. But, when one gets over there, they may realize that their own grass was much greener. We have to learn to be grateful for what we have. One of our problems is that we don’t focus on the good that we have in our lives right now because we’re so busy wanting more or thinking that better exists elsewhere.
My wali agrees with me that Alec is a good husband to me. He admits that Alec has some very good qualities as a husband to me. He says Alec is kind and loving to me the majority of the time, and he takes very good care of me financially. It doesn’t negate the fact that he would like Alec to be more in terms of a spiritual figure in my life and in order to be it, Alec has to make changes in himself first.
He’d like Alec to take more control of his marriage to Carolyn and to me and be an authoritative figure, so that he could foster harmony and peace in my life. At the same time, he knows it’s virtually impossible, if Alec is striving for this world and not for the Hereafter.
One may ask how I know what others intentions are. I’ve come to learn a lot about people from observation and conversing with them. I’ve learned that it is okay to judge others based on what God has given us to judge with, which is the Holy Quran. In it, God tells us all about people. The meaning of life is in the Holy Quran.
Every now and again, my wali and I revisit the question of why I stay married to Alec. We remind each other that I stay married to Alec because it is God’s will. He said,
“God has you in the marriage to Alec for a reason.” He said, “You should be okay in it, as long as you stay mindful of God.”
I know that I must stay focused on God and not on Alec, if I don’t want to go astray.
I often think of Pharaoh’s wife who was Muslim.
She was married to that tyrant. She is named in the Holy Quran as one of the most honorable women, along with Mary, the mother of Jesus (PBUH). I think that if she was able to maintain her faith while being married to Pharaoh, I may have a shot at maintaining my faith while being married to Alec.
We never know what God has decreed for tomorrow. Will Alec and I remain married? Will I still be a Muslim or a believer or become a non-Muslim? God knows best. I could only make my intent. Everything depends on God. If I have anything to be scared of, it shouldn’t be fear of leaving the marriage. I should fear going astray and incurring the anger and wrath of God.
For all it’s worth, I will say that those are the worldly reasons that have caused me to stay in my marriage to Alec. Perhaps it’s all an illusion. Nonetheless, those are the reasons that I endure the hardships that are a part of it.
I’m hopeful that the pain and the hardship will go away, as I believe God’s promises are true. He promises the believers comfort and ease in this life, if we worship and serve Him as He commands us to. All things change. Nothing stays the same. I have to live life and see where it takes me.
How We Are Now
It’s now a year and eight months since Alec, Carolyn and I have been in a polygamous marriage. Like the revolving of the earth round the sun, nothing much has changed. Carolyn and I still haven’t met, neither have we spoken with one another in a civil manner. I decided to talk with Alec about it.
I said, “You know. It’s been a year and eight months since you and Carolyn got married,”
That was a preamble. Of course he knew how long he’d been married to her. I said, “Carolyn still hasn’t reached out to me, not a single time.
She hasn’t made any effort to make peace between us.”
He knew it was the situation without me having to tell him. Whether I liked it or not, I was in a polygamous marriage, and I was constantly asking God to make it easier for me to accept. Carolyn pretending that I didn’t exist after she married my husband, which irrevocably changed my life, did nothing to help the situation.
I didn’t expect her and me to be on friendly terms from the very beginning, nor did I expect her to call me to grovel, but it wouldn’t be too much if she took a step towards making peace between us.
For instance, maybe call and say, ‘Ana, I’m sorry about how things happened and how they’ve turned out for you. Maybe we could make this thing work.’ For her to make a gesture and reach out could go a long way. But, of course, it was the way it has always been; there was nothing. Or was that too much to ask?
I was rational about it. If Carolyn calls me, it wouldn’t suddenly make us best buddies. I doubt we’d be instant friends. It wouldn’t make anything better magically. I think it could, however, pave the way for us to have a cordial and mutually respectful relationship. I think that would be best for all of us: for Alec, for me and for Carolyn, even if she didn’t think so.
I was thinking about it from an Islamic perspective. I was tired of acting out and ruining my own soul. I can’t keep asking God to forgive me for all the wrong that I’ve done and continue to attack her in an effort to get her to acknowledge me. It’s not what polygamy in Islam should be about.
When I discussed the issue with Alec, he said, “Every time I get her close to being able to talk with you, you text her.” It’s how he responded. According to him, she said, “She’s not the person that you said she was.” Carolyn had the temerity to point accusatory fingers at me. Oh, I forgot, Carolyn expected me to be a saint and just take it in stride that my husband married a second wife in the manner that he had.
I wasn’t supposed to react or get angry. In fact, I wasn’t even supposed to complain or not be okay with it. Just be polite Ana and not display any emotion other than acceptance. I was a Muslim woman so, as far as Carolyn was concerned, that made my skin thicker than hers. I was supposed to be unmovable and not blink when my life drastically and suddenly changed.
She also conveniently forgets that it had gone both ways. All the text messages hadn’t just come from me. Carolyn had sent her share, as well. We had both made mistakes and done stupid things in the past months. The difference was that I was willing to own my faults and see if we could move beyond them.
Carolyn obviously wasn’t willing to do that. Still, I thought it was time that we put the past behind us and make the most of now. I see clearly, however, that she wants Alec all to herself and me out of the picture.
I said, “Look, it’s been a year and eight months, and she has never reached out to me as a sister-in-faith.” It was clearer to me more and more each day what his and her relationship was about. She was no sister-in-faith.
I said, “She accepted Islam to get a husband, sex and money. Those are the only things that it’s about for her.” I said, “She used Islam for personal gain and she will certainly pay for it, and it won’t be by my hands.”
Of course, Alec would have something to say. He resorted to his good old standby, “If it’s what you want to believe.” What more could I expect? It was good that he wanted to defend his wife, but this was not a matter of what I wanted to believe or not believe, and whether he would admit it or not, he knew it.
I reminded him that right before he married her, she said, “I’m not ready for her yet.” The “her” in that sentence was, of course, referring to me. Can you imagine that? Carolyn had said she was not ready for me. She was ready for my husband and his money, though; wasn’t she? And even with the passage of time, she apparently, still wasn’t ready for me. I’ll take a wild guess that she’ll never be ready for me.
I was really messed up psychologically. I kept asking myself, what have I gotten myself into? I married a man whose Islam was questionable at best, and it seemed he used polygamy as an excuse to go hook back up with his ex-girlfriend who was a non-Muslim. I couldn’t stop thinking about him having chosen her who is a non-Muslim over all the single Muslim females in the world to marry.
Some Muslims are of the mistaken belief that a Muslim man is allowed to marry a non-Muslim woman. If they read the Holy Quran, they would know that it’s an untruth. God says don’t marry an unbeliever to a believer until the person believes. It applies to males and females.
Muslim men are allowed to marry ‘People of the Book.’ People of the Book were those people who were living before or during the time that the Prophet Muhammad (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was on this earth. Those people had the original Books that Allah revealed to His Prophets over time. There are no ‘People of the Book’ living in the 21st century.
Nonetheless, days later, I spoke to my wali. I told him about the conversation that Alec and I had about Carolyn–about her not reaching out to me. I said, “She is more of a mistress than a wife to him.” My wali said, “If that’s the case, then when did you ever know a mistress to call a wife?”
My wali was always a good person to talk to. He had a good head on his shoulders and always did his best to give me sound advice.
Thinking about it, it makes sense why Carolyn doesn’t call me. My wali had enlightened me. He said,
“There is a mountain load of facts that let you know what she is.”
He didn’t have to say anything more. I understood the points that he was trying to make. The facts had been there all the while, and I had turned a blind eye to them.
My wali said, “Ana, there may come a time when you will need to divorce Alec, if you continue to find a need to befriend Carolyn and if you listen to Alec.” He said, Carolyn is not of your rank based on Islam and neither is Alec.” He said, “They deserve each other. They are the same.”
I knew he was right. I wasn’t supposed to listen to Alec; although he was my husband, he didn’t obey God. He was letting a non-Muslim dictate to him how to live his life, and consequently, she was ruling my life as well. God says don’t listen to those who neglect the remembrance of Him. Alec clearly was following his desires and Carolyn is what he desired the most.
My wali had said t
hat a polygamous husband will gravitate towards the wife who is more like himself. Usually, the wife whom he has more in common with will be his favorite. He said, “If Alec was a believer, he would gravitate towards you.” “If he was more inclined to the worldly life, he would gravitate towards Carolyn.” Then, I thought to myself, if he’s a hypocrite, he’d gravitate towards both.
Later that evening, I spoke with Alec about the disconnect that was occurring with him, her, and me. I said, “Our relationship resembles nothing of polygamy in Islam. “You and I may have to go our separate ways, I said.” I said, “There is no sisterhood or singleness of purpose or family or anything that is Islamic going on here.”
I asked Alec to have her and I talk with each other on the phone while he was with me and could hear all that I said. It would prevent her from accusing me of abusing her. He said that he would do it.
Alec is an early riser. When I woke up the next morning, Alec came into the bedroom and said he needed to talk with me. He said,
“I was on the phone with Carolyn all morning, asking her to please talk with you.” “I let her know that I would be next to you while she talked.”
“She refused,” he said. I said, “It’s pretty pathetic that you have a woman whom you call your wife and she won’t listen to you and to reason.”
I was fed up with the entire situation. I called my wali on the phone and explained everything to him. He said, “Put Alec on the phone.” Alec spoke with my wali. He told my wali about Carolyn’s refusal to cooperate.
The next time I spoke with my wali, he said that he told Alec that he may recommend that I divorce him. He said it’s because my faith was being affected by being in a marriage with a man who is married to a non-Muslim. He said, “If you are made to choose to divorce either Ana or Carolyn, who would you divorce?” Alec said, “Carolyn.”
The Silent Tears of Polygamy Page 20