by Elton, Ben
Table of Contents
Cover
Copyright
About the Author
Critical acclaim for Ben Elton
Also by Ben Elton
Dedication
Chart Throb
And Still to Come
Calvin Simms
Beryl Blenheim
The Other Bloke
HRH
Priscilla Blenheim
A Star is Born
The Maths
Shaiana
Emma and the Clingers, Blingers and Mingers
Graham and Millicent
The Four-Z
Same Time Last Year
Peroxide
A Royal Request
Beryl is (Briefly) There for Priscilla
Friend and Acquaintance
No More Mr Nice Guy, Please
Flight of Fancy
Who’s That Girl?
Birmingham
Really, Truthfully, How Much Do You Want It?
More Maths
Graham and Milly in the Car Park
Mission Statement
The Bites
Peroxide and Blossom
First Time
I Will Survive
Not in Love
Not in Love Either
Arranging for a Lift
Refocusing
Final Selection
Unemployed Girl
De-blurring
Refocusing
Dinner and an Indecent Proposal
Reality Check
Around the Couch
Family Trip
All for Love
Shetland Mist Prepare to Rock Dundee
The Meeting Fails to Start
Rodney is Not Happy
Getting on with It
Sat Nav
Summit in the Vestibule
Rodney Joins the Meeting
Virtual Carnegie Hall and Other Dreams
The Prince does the King
Hello, Baby
Keen to Be Mean
An Auditions Day: There’s a Kind of Hush
An Auditions Day: Priming Vicky
An Auditions Day: The Judges Arrive
An Auditions Day: Priming the Massed Clingers
An Auditions Day: When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
An Auditions Day: Mean and Moody
An Auditions Day: Destroying Vicky
Three More Mingers
Resignation
Words of Love
Troy Learns to Read
Congratulations, You’re Through: Quasar and The Four-Z
Congratulations, You’re Through: Graham and Millicent
Congratulations, You’re Through to the Next Round: Bloke
Congratulations, You’re Through to the Next Round: Iona
Watch Out, She’s Mad
Just Doing It for the Kids
Congratulations, You’re Through: Latiffa and Suki
Peroxide Meet Their Nemesis
Chelsie Delivers Shaiana
Further Frustrations
Stepmother and Child Reunion
Visions of Shaiana
The Cute Kid
Pop School
Pop School: Cindy and Shaiana
Pop School: Graham and Millicent
Pop School: Iona
All Back to My Place: Graham and Millicent
All Back to My Place: HRH
Hell Hath No Fury
Royal Coup
Tragedy and Farce
Man of the People
The Eve of the Finals
Week One
Week Two
Week Three
Emma and Shaiana
Week Four
Week Five
Searching for Shaiana
Week Six
Week Seven
Weeks Eight and Nine
The Final, Part One
The Final, Part Two
She Wanted It So Much
And Still to Come
This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Epub ISBN: 9781407040943
Version 1.0
www.randomhouse.co.uk
TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS
61-63 Uxbridge Road, London W5 5SA
a division of The Random House Group Ltd
www.booksattransworld.co.uk
CHART THROB
A BLACK SWAN BOOK: 9780552773768
First published in Great Britain
in 2006 by Bantam Press
a division of Transworld Publishers
Black Swan edition published 2007
Copyright © Ben Elton 2006
Ben Elton has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents
Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work
With the exception of HRH the Prince of Wales, who appears as
a fictionalized version of himself, all the characters in this
book are fictitious
A CIP catalogue record for this book
is available from the British Library
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not,
by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out,
or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior
consent in any form of binding or cover other than that
in which it is published and without a similar condition,
including this condition, being imposed on the
subsequent purchaser
Addresses for Random House Group Ltd companies outside the UK
can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk
The Random House Group Ltd Reg. No. 954009
The Random House Group Ltd makes every effort to ensure that the
papers used in its books are made from trees that have been legally
sourced from well-managed and credibly certified forests. Our paper
procurement policy can be found at:
www.randomhouse.co.uk/paper.htm
Typeset in 11/12pt Melior by
Falcon Oast Graphic Art Ltd
Printed and bound in Great Britain by
Cox & Wyman Ltd, Reading, Berkshire
4 6 8 10 9 7 5
About the Author
Ben Elton’s career encompasses some of the most memorable and incisive comedy of the past twenty-five years. His TV writing and performing credits include such multi-award-winning shows as The Young Ones, Blackadder, Saturday Live, The Man from Auntie and The Thin Blue Line. His three hit West End stage plays are Gasping, Silly Cow and Popcorn, which won the Olivier Award for best comedy. He wrote and directed the feature film Maybe Baby, starring Hugh Laurie and Joely Richardson, which was based on his novel Inconceivable. He has also written three stage musicals including the global phenomenon We Will Rock You, which he created with Queen and which he also directs worldwide.
He has written ten internationally bestselling novels including Dead Famous, The First Casualty and High Society, which won the WH Smith People’s Choice Award. He recently returned to stand-up comedy after a gap of almost ten years and his new show, Get a Grip, played to packed houses in the UK, Australia and New Zealand.
www.booksattransworld.co.uk
Critical acclaim for Ben Elton:
The First Casualty
‘Riveting action scenes bristle with a queasy energy . . . unputdownable’
Sunday Telegraph
‘A work of formidable imaginative scope . . . the writing is so good, the language so surprisingly subtle and the characters so beautifully delineated’
Daily Telegraph
Past Mortem
‘Engaging and smartly plotted’
Observer
‘Fans will love it’
Heat
‘Past Mortem confirms Elton as craftsmanlike, thoughtful and readable. Fans will find plenty to enjoy’
Daily Mail
‘He has not lost his canny eye for the preoccupations of his peers . . . its warm-hearted characterisation and deft pacing should make the paperback popular on next summer’s beaches’
Sunday Times
‘You expect a witty, engaging storyline when you pick up an Elton novel – and his latest doesn’t disappoint’
Fresh magazine
‘In the tradition of Ben Elton’s previous novels, Past Mortem is a gripping read’
City Weekly
‘Elton is such a readable author’
Sydney Morning Herald
‘Elton melds his story, part comic romance, part page-turning thriller, with a subtext that explores schoolyard bullying, lightly and broadly, by taking every opportunity to include thought-provoking passages on the issue’
Sunday Territorian
High Society
‘As I raced to the end, I found myself applauding Elton. This is a tough subject tackled with courage and commitment’ Will Hutton,
The Observer Review
‘A fix of high comedy from a writer who provokes almost as much as he entertains’
Daily Mail
‘Tremendous narrative momentum . . . genuinely moving’
The Times
‘A return to Elton’s top fiery form’
Glamour magazine
‘Very racy, a compulsive read’
The Mirror
‘Full of passion and plenty of one-liners’
Scotland On Sunday
‘A joy to read . . . a startling head of narrative steam’
Evening Standard
‘A throat-grabbing thriller which also manages to savagely satirise this high society we all live in . . . Excellent’
Ireland On Sunday
Dead Famous
‘One of Ben Elton’s many triumphs with Dead Famous is that he is superbly persuasive about the stage of the story: the characterisation is a joy, the jokes are great, the structuring is very clever and the thriller parts are ingenious and full of suspense. And not only that – the satire (of Big Brother, of the television industry, of the arrogant ignorance and rabid inarticulacy of yoof culture) is scathing, intelligent and cherishable.
As House Arrest’s twerpy contestants would put it, wicked. Double wicked. Big up to Ben Elton and respect, big time. Top, top book’
Mail on Sunday
‘Brilliant . . . Ben has captured the verbal paucity of this world perfectly . . . devastatingly accurate in its portrayal . . . read Elton’s book’
Janet Street-Porter,
Independent on Sunday
‘Elton has produced a book with pace and wit, real tension, a dark background theme, and a big on-screen climax’
Independent
‘Very acute about television and the Warhol-inspired fame for fame’s sake that it offers . . . certainly delivers a readable whodunnit’
The Spectator
‘One of the best whodunnits I have ever read . . . This is a cracking read – a funny, gripping, hugely entertaining thriller, but also a persuasive, dyspeptic account of the way we live now, with our insane, inane cult of the celebrity’
Sunday Telegraph
Inconceivable
‘Extremely funny, clever, well-written, sharp and unexpectedly moving . . . This brilliant, chaotic satire merits rereading several times’
Mail on Sunday
‘Extremely funny without ever being tasteless or cruel . . . this is Elton at his best – mature, humane, and still a laugh a minute. At least’
Daily Telegraph
‘A very funny book about a sensitive subject. The characters are well-developed, the action is page-turning and it’s beginning to seem as if Ben Elton the writer might be even funnier than Ben Elton the comic’
Daily Mail
‘This is Elton doing what he does best, taking comedy to a place most people wouldn’t dream of visiting and asking some serious questions while he’s about it. It’s a brave and personal novel’
The Mirror
‘A tender, beautifully balanced romantic comedy’
Spectator
‘Moving and thoroughly entertaining’
Daily Express
‘Somehow Ben Elton has managed to write a funny, positive love story about one of the most painful and damaging experiences a couple can go through’
The Weekend Australian
‘Anyone who has had trouble starting a family will recognize the fertility roller-coaster Elton perceptively and wittily describes’
The Age, Melbourne
‘With his trademark wit and barbed humour, Ben Elton tells a poignant and heart-rending story . . . a novel that is both entertaining and emotionally rich . . . This book is a marvel’
Pretoria News, South Africa
Blast from the Past
‘The action is tight and well-plotted, the dialogue is punchy and the whole thing runs along so nicely that you never have to feel you’re reading a book at all’
Guardian
‘A strong beginning, and the reminder that it is fear itself that makes you jump wouldn’t be out of place in a psychological thriller. Blast from the Past is a comedy, but an edgy comedy . . . a slick moral satire that works as a hairy cliffhanger’
Sunday Times
‘Elton at his most outrageously entertaining . . . Elton is a master of the snappy one-liner, and here the witty repartee hides a surprisingly romantic core’
Cosmopolitan
‘Elton again underlines his mastery of plot, structure and dialogue. In stand-up comedy, his other forte, it’s all about timing. In writing it’s about moving the narrative forward with exciting leaps of imagination and, as before, he seems to have the explosive take-off formula just about right. This literary rocket burns bright’
Sunday Times (Perth)
‘Blast from the Past is a wicked, rip-roaring ride which charts the fine lines separating hilarity from horror; the oily gut of fear from the delicious shiver of anticipation’
West Australian
‘Only Ben Elton could combine uncomfortable questions about gender politics with a gripping, page-turning narrative and jokes that make you laugh out loud’
Tony Parsons
‘As always, Ben Elton is topical to the point of clairvoyancy . . . Fast, funny and thought-provoking’
The List
Also by Ben Elton
STARK
GRIDLOCK
THIS OTHER EDEN
POPCORN
BLAST FROM THE PAST
INCONCEIVABLE
DEAD FAMOUS
HIGH SOCIETY
PAST MORTEM
THE FIRST CASUALTY
and published by
Black Swan
For the ninety-five thousand
And Still to Come
Some years from now
The nation had watched Shaiana cry so many times. Heard her voice crack as she struggled to complete her sentence.
‘I just want this so much. I really, really want it so much. It’s all I ever wanted. Since I was a little girl . . . It’s my . . . It’s my . . .’
She couldn’t do it. Words failed her. Her lip quivered, her nostrils flared and a watery film spread across her eyes. The lids closed in an agonized grimace and squeezed out a glistening tear.
Just a tear, a single tear, but such a tear. One of the most scrutinized tears that was ever shed. Few tears in all history would be seen by so many and so often. Over and over again
it had teetered momentarily upon the thickly mascaraed lashes of Shaiana’s lower lid before tipping forward and rolling heavily across the downy expanse of that now nationally familiar cheek, tracing its course through the heavy blusher with which the make-up artist had struggled in vain to cover the tiny blemishes on Shaiana’s quivering face.
The people in their millions had absorbed this scene immediately before the last break and also before the break which preceded that. They had seen it at the very beginning of the programme and in the trailers that had played throughout the earlier part of the evening. Those with access to the digital channels had been able to watch the tear for nearly a week already and grainy stills of it had appeared in the press. It was also possible to download it to one’s mobile phone by accessing the ‘preview highlights’ section of the Chart Throb website.
But despite all this massive exposure, up until now that tear had always been a future tear, a tear which, in the endlessly repeated phrase of Keely the presenter, was ‘still to come’.