by Henry Owings
Blessed be those whose involvement was diectly or indirectly helpful to the construction of this hallowed text. In no special order, we’d like to thank Mack’s Lounge, Carlisle’s (R.I.P. ya’ll), Dean and Company (Deanie for bagpiping, Podo for sword fighting), the original Georgia Road, Tender’s Herb and Spices, sodium benzoate, the day jobs, the Benedictine Hand, Foxy Target Practice and Nails, sex that is never on the beach, the Irondale Café, Dell’s Den (we’ll stay out of the parking lot from now on, Dell), Jasper John’s “Target with Four Faces” screenplay, Tom “The Rock and Roll Travel Agent” Pisano, 14-inch teardrop hanging gazing balls, Edy’s Grand Vanilla ice cream, jerk-chicken eating contests, Texas-style roadhouses in strip malls, Kate Jackson’s original hair, Toastmaster 2: The Musical, Cheetah (my pillow), all ya’ll whose last name rhymes with “Orange,” sassy finger waving, Premium Washington Extra Fancy Braeburn Apples, Gregory Peccary, Lloyd at Imaginary Records, the Book of Acts and most of the Book of Dirty Acts, Tarrant, Alabama General Vulgarity the professional wrestler, Christopher Gluck, Terry Branson and the Ozark Mountain Boys, Buck and Chuck at Vinyl Solutions, Ovid, Inspectors #253 and #447, shows at Storkland’s, ailment answers, full-moon mooning, 6-inch potted miniature roses, Reed Books, Coach Wood, bottle rockets shot in my parents’ closet, the short-lived Four Foot Club, Sir Speedy, innovative solutions, Studio 21 Hair Salon (Henry looooved your tanning bed), Elbert Hubbard, handicapped driver services, Liberty Wishes the stripper, divorce lawyer Damon “DS” Smith, the ol’ collegiate try, Norton’s flowers, Tompson’s Frame Factory, Cameron Soth Corp., “Workin’ Magic,” plumbing problems, Jubilee Joe’s, population explosions, Seneca (we hardly knew you), razzle-dazzle and razz-ma-tazz, Tomlin Excavating and Demolition, dog guard guards, landscape nurserymen, Ed Cannon Roofing, Inc., Wags to Riches dog bone store, Bone Dali, jazz hands, Antonin Artaud’s “Theatre of Cruelty,” that guy who grunts numbers in Spanish at the Highland Athletic Club, Nipsey Russell, Bobby T, Miss Spain’s fourth-grade class, the now defunct pets.com spokes-puppet, Smencil’s Gourmet Scented Pencils (especially the fruit punch scent), the word “granular,” my postman Jim, African bush baby gophers, Rufus “Tee Tot” Payne, pantyhose slingshots, Willie Nelson’s Country Peach Cobbler ice cream, Avondale Cleaners, caller ID, Key Underwood Coon Dog Memorial Graveyard, Mama Petite, tiny bows and arrows made of paperclips and rubber bands, The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, Harpoons ’R’ Us, delicious dead things, Childless By Choice–brand frozen dinners, Wholesale Caskets, Bacon ’n’ Badges, LLC, Ian and Jeff (as always), Cornish pasties, bobble-head dolls of players who have been traded, Vlad the Inhaler, macramé jockstraps, Feng Shui cemeteries, all ya’ll indoorsy types, the Birmingham-Jefferson County Transit Authority, some (but not all) of my gonads, the stray hairs on the toilet seat, Kay-Lee (my baby girl) and her sister Shasta (from another daddy), Ol’ “Blood ’ n’ Guts” Malone for being so patient, every drop of my Milky Way, our cow Delilah (for sharing), the Glory Hole Museum in the eighth dimension of my mind, Ms. Saipan’s Full Release Parlor, the second coming, Yoga Girl, numbers 6 and 57 (we won again!), chloralmethohydrate, NASA, Bert (but not Ernie), the sound of children’s laughter when someone breaks a hip, polysynthetic nonrecyclable paper, Cupcakez (my hamster), the two guys who invented “butt rivets,” Chester A. Arthur, the 1964 New York Mets (thought you could get one past me, huh?), Uncle Floyd, Goriddle from the Great Space Coaster, the River Bottom Nightmare Band, Frank Zappa’s beard, Dinty Moore’s low-sodium beef stew, Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Stadium Arcadium” box set, BB King, the “buy one, get one free” scam, strip-mall corporate-chain barbecue restaurants, the iTunes store, Elaine Bryant, Fruit Roll Ups and/or edible underwear, Sharpie© (not the marker), Owens-King Insurance, The Paw-Paw Patch, St. John’s of Mt. Laurel Episcopal Church, Mattel’s motorized Courtney Love, my brightest cubic zirconia, fighting babies, your mama, alt-weekly music editors, Shelby County, Arkansas, my local Narrow Path of Righteousness book store, roast beef and provolone sandwiches, Eilert Lövbörg, the only wandering Jew in Grant Park (where are all ya’ll?), all my dawgs that participated in this year’s Iditarod, the Tommy Bartlet Water Extravaganza Hour half-time show, jazz hands, Red Jimmy’s bathtubs, The Chick’n Rub, Lord Tango’s Ball Emporium, the male members of the Lorne Bushell family, Small, Medium, and Double-X, black folks who agree that Kwanzaa is stupid, the Snuggle fabric softener bear and his trademark giggle, Bhutan’s claim as “The Happiest Country in the World,” Grendel’s Grundel, herpetologists, the National Do-Not-Call List, blood oranges, Epson “Big Nuts” Lavender, the Pawleys Island Posse, the Mongolian calendar, ethnic musics, the 50-yard bummer, Indian rope burns, the “good” cancer, “viral” videos, bicycle seat warmers, wild pitches during an intentional walk, midgets vs. dwarves, jalapeño-popper corn dogs, Rüüd Mortuary and Funeral Services, the likeness of Ulysses S. Grant, mint juleps everywhere, the ladies in red hats who meet for dinner, ants, aunts and Antz, saying “that’s really funny” instead of laughing, self-locking freezer bags, factory car stereos, subtle nuances, the way we were, cock flattery, crock pots, fly swatter guns, slight deviations on the missionary position, that Hummer that is also a truck, recipes containing secret herbs and spices, Old Spice, dollar store loyalty, scoopable litter, powerful odor removers, super powers, double coupons, gettin’ some, nicknames that are both mean and accurate, seeing that guy at the Carbondale Mall wearing an Exploited shirt and with eyeliner and that ridiculous bowlers cap, the mystery of redheads, islands, fjords, folding combs, blushing, allergy relief, getting “Shower Fresh” fresh, dogs and cats everywhere, a lack of truly haunted low-rent housing, revenge fantasies, old men who are pillars of impotent rage, those new nickels that I sometimes look at, critical race theorists, metaphors, Tab (the delicious one-calorie soft drink), sports, porn that tries to make a difference, gettin’ all my props, flossing regularly, Christian Beard Lovers Association, The Bargain Carousel, inconsolably bad art shows, Just for Kicks Dance Studio, Caribbean Joe, Hay Fever by Noel Coward, Okie-Dokie 2-pc. Sets, haunted mansions, Ambrielle Smooth Revolution balcony push-up bra, the Moline Barons Bing-Bong Club, the El Paso quesadilla, the odontophore, Kicks 106, Hummel fetishists, campfire story “accidents,” the Ypsilanti Huskers, Margot Kidder’s mental breakdown, The Land of Women Chicken Shack, Stars and Stripes with Scrubbin’ Bubbles, Alan Hineline’s Twist performed by the Alabama Ballet, creative mammal classification, The Woodentops, Green Valley Baptist, Southminster Saints, The Cherry Orchard by Anton Chekhov, Bahaism-lite, Telluride’s downfall, Maw Maw and Paw Paw (they’re still just cootin’ around), Model VVP-48 portable phonograph with speakers that separate up to 20 feet the ’78 Ford Bronco, Hungry Jack Big Tastin’ Biscuits, Pineapple Spamloaf, the Cheddar Hot Dog Melt-Over, Heavenly Devilish Bacardi Rum Cakes, Unguentine aerosol first-aid for sunburn, Nerfoop, the giant Inflatable Giraffe Toss Set, Easy Riders by Roadmaster AMF, Hobie Skateboards, Billy the toy sheep, Outfit-Your-Dog-Like-Santa-Claus Kit, a boxful of smiles, people who refuse to say “preggers,” Iron Mike Sharp, “Vowel Tooth” Jenkins, three of the five members of The Missing Gerbils, every professional wrestling manager, Esteban, reliable windshield wipers, anyone who has ever walked through a screen door, Derby Parkway, Diet Coca-Cola Plus, the Fisher-Price® Adventure People, the Panasonic Funnygraph, Video Beam Television, Tottenham Hotspur, the extras of Gigli, Nottingham Rock City, Jell-O gelatin apricot salad with chicken dinner, One Call Funeral, Cremation and Cemetery Services, Southern Firearm Appraisals, Latham’s Hair Clinic, Oumi’s African hair braiding, Honky Tonk piano, tweenagers, salad dodging, Ruslana’s “Wild Dance,” Freedom Foot, the Puka, panty nuts, Hang Teen T’s and Shorts, Dem Ole Lazy Bones Rib Joynt, Alaska’s flag, Baby D, the adagio tempo, poet laureate John Dryden, some prime numbers, Mount of Venus, Neo-Classicism in the “Brown” Round, Giant Inflatable Penis Inc., Varicosis Cosmetic Laser Center, Payola, baby!, Party Foul Fart Spray, Joseph Lister (props for kicking out the creation of antiseptics, bro), proctalgia fugax, I’m
a Stranger Here Myself Tour Guides, the Feel-Good Factor, rag-tatty underwear, Everything But The Kitchen Sink Kitchen Sink Shop, Different as Chalk & Cheese Fine Cheeses, slight technical hitches, all the horny men of Qatar, Harpy the circus act, Crazy Bill’s Fireworks, European atmosphere, Thumpers, Carnival Season, lap dances while sitting on futons, Bill Watson’s beef trust, Aziz’s stress incontinence, Super Balls Out Christmas Sweaters, John Varvatos (thanks for the custom suede jock strap), the Artie Bucco’s line of dressing and sauces, Yippe-ki-yay, Motherfucka Crab Claw Dressing, Nigel Slater of Real Food, DVD Region 5, Lil and Jill at Coyote Ugly, William MacReady, Festoon, Theater Curtains, Beulahland, Muckraker-brand rakes, Gynecomastia, The Discovery Place, the more burly Earl, Ollie’s World Famous KKK BBQ, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, The Reading Rainbow, Bartholin’s Glands, Biore nose strips, Frisco-brand Speedballs, the Little Casino, ASFA goober kids, bib overalls, “Bubba Don’t You Lose That Number” Karaoke Bar, Dr. Jeckles, Vacation Bible School, First Frost, seersucker suits, King Biscuit Blues, the way Athens used to be, the guide staff at the Cyclorama, Peyronie’s Disease, Through Thick and Thin Cosmetic Surgery of the Penis Center, Ye-Call-Me-Old Fashion Senior Center, Blessing in Disguise Calamity Team, Reverend Howard Finster’s Hallelujah Syrup, Hooters’ poppers, Bing Bing Dust, The Cookie and Candyman, Uncle Emil’s Sniff ’n’ Snort, Jock Squad, Hippie Johnny, ghost-busting crack, gettin’ “Cabbage-Face Eff’d Up,” Tragic Magic, Bite-Off-More-Than-You-Can-Chew Steakhouse, belly button discharge, the old Auburn crew, Ganglion, hairiness in women, Corporate Hipsters (that have died), the cries of all lost children at the supermarket, 3:06 AM (the new 4:20, duh), black on black crime, fishy business, anal leakage of any kind, Noggin the Nog & Nogbad the Bad, upturned turtles of Galapagos Islands, Minor Treat (London’s only DIY “fun-sized” hardcore chocolate shop), maiming the firstborn, talkin’ bout your generation, fixins bars, Kum-N-Go gas stations, bartering, wordsmiths, Fisher’s Man Wharf, Tom Raper’s RV, Vaughn A. Wamsley personal injury attorney, headset mics, dates with Destiny, fava beans, putting some “serious stank” on it, animal husbandry, Thai One On massage parlor and tapas restaurant, the Meals-on-Seals program for terminally ill people on icebergs, LiquidMeat™, Pastrami Sport Drink, Zeke (no, you pass the ketchup!), Butterfingers Lamont (the only honest three-card-monty dealer on the East Coast), The Association for the Advancement of Cherries Other Than Bing, Filthy Bob, Riboflavin, Stinger Harris (the American flying ace who mistakenly shot down 30 German planes between 1985–88), The Stank, all our fond memories of Rod Stewart passing out and having his stomach pumped, seemerot.com, my coffee slingin’ n-words at Aurora Coffee.
Brian Teasley and Henry H. Owings
Iain Hinchcliffe, Benn Ray, Jeff McLeod, Patrick Gough, Emerson Dameron, Randy Haward
Tom Bagby, Billy Carter, Emerson Dameron, Andrew Earles, Dag Luther Gooch, Patrick Gough, Neil Jendon, Tony King, Jeff McLeod, Benn Ray, Eric Rovie, Scott Sosebee, Brian Teasley
Kristin Amarante, David Andler, Greg Araya, Michael Babcock, Allison Baker, Ana Balka, Dave Barbe, Tony Bennett, Steve Birmingham, Nick Blakey, John Branon, Don Breithaupt, Jonny Browning, Syd Butler, Jesse Capps, David Carr, Nadine Cheung, Armando Celentano, Mike Cooley, Scott Cox-Stanton, Dale Crover, John Cummings, Craig Curtice, Daylen Dalrymple, John Darnielle, Thomas Davies, Ben Davis, John DeCicco, Rob Del Bueno, Jason Dove, Kevin Duneman, Mark Duston, Marah Eakin, Michael Faloon, Gary Flom, Michael T. Fournier, Adam Goren, Andres Galdames, Garland Gallaspy, Larry Getlen, Ben Gibbard, Jacob Glenn-Levin, Ben Goldberg, Joseph Grey, Mike Grimes, Jason Groth, Myk Guanci, Meseret Haddis, Dan Hadley, Cash Hartzell, Randy Harward, Paul Heiger, Karl Heitmueller, Ben Hellman, Andrea Herman, Shane Hickey, David Hickox, Iain Hinchliffe, Douglas Holland, Patterson Hood, David Hood, Marc Horton, Sean Howe, Oliver Hunt, Mathis Hunter, Leah Hutchinson, John Iskander, Chris Jacobs, Nicholas Jaster, Garth Johnson, Joseph Kelly, Dryw Keltz, Ever Kipp, Tad Kubler, Gordon Lamb, Ted Leo, Ballard Lesemann, Daniel Littlewood, Dan London, Joe Loverde, Brendon Lloyd, Joe Macleod, Andy Maddox, Charles Maggio, Neil Mahoney, Jordan Mamone, Bob Marshall, Mike McGonigal, Liam McKaharay, Kyle McKinnon, Eugene Mirman, Chris Mooney, Cash V. Morris, Anthony Moschella, Steve Myers, Alex Naidus, Ayal Naor, Ashley Nix Fucich, Les Nuby, Adam Oliansky, Patton Oswalt, Sarah Weston Hayes Owings, Ed Parker, T.S. Pearson, Rob Andrist Plourde, Joe Plummer, Brian Pluta, Talmadge Price, Melanie Redmond-Guanci, Drew Reiter, Albert Ricci, Luther Rochester, Henry Rollins, Jim Romeo, Dave Schools, Pete Schreiner, Robert Schriner, Mahmood Shaikh, Kip Shepherd, Eryc Donovan S., Millicent Souris, Kyle Spence, Matthew Taylor, Jack Teague, Sean Tejaratchi, Larry Tenner, Matthew Traxler, Willy Tyler, Brian Turner, Josh Vanek, Dr. Jonathan Waks, Mark Wasserman, Terrence White, Dean Whitmore, Brian Whitney, Pete Wilkins, Davin Wood, Kaya Yamashita, and the many faceless contributors from the comments section on the chunklet.com site.