by Rachel Wells
I had learnt from my time on Edgar Road that things weren’t always simple. At first I had seemed to help Jonathan and Claire. But then, look at Claire now. I hadn’t made her better. I still needed to help her; she desperately needed it. But until I figured out how on earth I would do that, I had to stay close to Polly and the family. Aleksy was very clingy with me and I knew that although he probably didn’t understand fully what was going on, he could sense that something wasn’t right. So I let him cling to me a little too tightly.
‘You’re my best friend, Alfie,’ he said to me and I wanted to cry, the way humans did when they had their hearts touched. If what the men were saying was true, Polly still had a long way to go.
Franceska eventually arrived home, on her own.
‘Polly is sleeping. She has pills to sleep and the doctor told her to take it now, she needs a lot of rest after …’
‘After what?’ Matt asked, looking concerned.
‘Today she has a breakdown of sorts. She loves you and Henry but her head isn’t feeling good. The doctor has given her pills to help in the short term but she must go and see someone. Counsellor. And she needs to rest and not be alone with Henry. The pressure is too much.’
‘I’ve phoned her mum and she’s coming down tomorrow,’ Matt said. ‘And I’ve taken a couple of days off work. They know that Polly is ill and we don’t have family here.’
‘You have us,’ Franceska stated, simply.
‘Yes, and I don’t know what we would have done without you, thank you so much.’
‘No thanks needed. You must go and take care of your wife and son, but we are here if you need anything.’
‘I left so much to Polly, the least I can do now is to look after my son. Am I the worst father and husband ever?’
‘No, Matt, you are working hard, it isn’t easy to see. And Polly, she not want you to see her struggle, or have you worry, so it’s a bad circle.’
‘A vicious circle,’ Matt said.
‘Sorry?’
‘That’s how we say it, a vicious circle. Sorry, I didn’t mean to correct your English.’
‘No, is good. We need to learn. Look, I come with you and show you to feed Henry so he is OK. I feel I should tell you that the doctor give Polly something to stop her milk. She says the breastfeeding is making her worse. Henry is fine and he is eating food now so formula will be OK and it mean you can feed him too, and her mother. Polly needs rest a lot right now.’
‘I’ll see that she gets it. I still feel bad, like I buried my head in the sand and kept telling myself that it wasn’t that bad, that she would snap out of it.’
‘It’s hard, postnatal depression is real illness, but she will get better. Now she can start. You are a good man, Matt, and she love you very much.’
I felt a little uncertain as I left the flat with Franceska, Henry and Matt. But I wanted to be there for Matt. Even if he didn’t know it, it made me feel better to be by his side. So I stayed in the living room, quietly, as he fed Henry as per Franceska’s instructions, and then bathed him and eventually put him down to sleep. I sat with Matt on the sofa as he came into the living room and wept like a baby. After a while, he sat up straighter.
‘My falling apart won’t help anyone. Come on, Alfie, I’ll make us some dinner. I’m sure we have a can of tuna in the cupboard.’ It was the first time I had ever dined with them but I didn’t care about the food, I was just unsure that they should be left alone. I knew I couldn’t really do anything, but I also thought my presence might be a comfort.
A bit later, Matt went to check on Polly; I went with him. She opened her beautiful eyes and looked at him.
‘What time is it?’ she asked, sleepily.
‘It doesn’t matter. Henry’s asleep. According to the list Franceska left me, you can take another pill. You need to sleep.’ Polly tried to sit up.
‘Is he all right?’ she asked. Her eyes filled with tears.
‘Yes, he’s perfect. And I know that as soon as you start getting better, you’ll think that too.’
‘I feel like I’ve failed. I’m a terrible mum, a bad wife, and I just didn’t know how to stop feeling like that.’
Matt stroked her hair, gently. ‘Darling, I feel I’ve failed you both. I should have taken better care of you, seen that you weren’t yourself. I feel terrible too.’
‘There’s not going to be any point in us blaming ourselves or each other is there?’ she asked, her eyes widening. Matt shook his head. ‘Frankie said that. She said that we would do, but it wouldn’t help, so we must stop it. I’m going to try. The doctor was really lovely, it was a woman and she understood, or seemed to. I didn’t want to have to take anything but I know that I need the pills. I can and will get help. I’ll be fine and I’ll look after my baby; our baby. All I want is to be a good mother.’
‘Of course you will be, darling.’ Matt had tears swimming in his eyes. ‘And I’m going to be here every step of the way. I love you so much, please Pol, never forget that.’
‘I did forget but only because my head was so cloudy, but I know and I love you too.’ He hugged her very tightly and this was the most moving scene I had ever watched between humans.
‘Oh, and your mum is coming down. I’m sorry but we need her here, as I can’t take too much time off work. I wish I could.’
‘No, Matt, we both agreed about coming to live here for your promotion. You don’t need to feel guilty about that. And having Mum here, well, that’ll be such a relief.’ They sat in silence for a few minutes. I lay down on the floor, suddenly feeling fatigued by the day’s events; it had been so emotional. ‘It was like a big black hole inside me, that’s what it felt like. I wanted to take Henry somewhere and leave him. Just run away and be back to my old self. I love him, I know I do deep down, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel the joy that mums talk about. It’s horrible, Matt, so horrible.’ She wept and he held her.
‘I can’t imagine what it must feel like, but I will support you whatever happens. But you need to talk to me. No matter how bad you feel, you have to tell me about it. I’m not going to leave you; I love you and I love our family. There is nothing you can do to change that.’
‘You don’t know how amazing it is for me to hear that. I wish I’d been a bit more honest with you. When I felt as if I was getting ill, not long after Henry’s birth, and even before we came here, I felt that I needed to hide it at all costs. But it nearly cost too much.’
‘Polly, I think you’re amazing and brave and I know we’ll get through this. It might take time but it doesn’t matter. We can do it.’
‘Can we go and see him? I don’t want to wake him, I just want to look at him. I need to.’ She burst into fresh tears.
‘Come on,’ Matt said, scooping her up in his arms as if she weighed as much as Henry. I was too sleepy to follow them through to the bedroom.
‘It looks as if Alfie is staying with us tonight,’ Matt said, as I felt myself drifting off.
‘He looks so cosy, don’t disturb him,’ I heard Polly say as I fell fast asleep.
If I thought being a doorstep cat had been hectic before, I had no idea just how exhausting things would become. I had built myself a little community and everyone around me had become important to me in their different ways. But I couldn’t be in four places at once.
Back and forth I went, trying to keep my eye on everyone who needed me, and it seemed that everyone did.
It wasn’t too long a walk between all my homes but I seemed to do it a lot. I was a fit cat, but at times I did find the trek a little bit tiring. When I arrived at the flats, I found Franceska and Matt outside with the boys. They were playing on the grass, just as they had done previously with Polly. As usual, Aleksy greeted me as if I was his best friend. Franceska and Matt had mugs in their hands. Henry was lying on his tummy on the blanket, and Thomasz was looking at a book. Aleksy started to tickle me and I rolled on my back for him.
‘She’s been asleep on and off since she came back from t
he doctor yesterday. I hope it’s helping,’ Matt was saying.
‘It will help her. She is so tired that part of the depression is exhaustion. Like you say, is vicious circle.’ Franceska and Matt laughed, sadly.
‘I’m going to get her mum from the train station later. Having her here will make a big difference I think, but then, she can’t stay with us forever.’
‘Matt, she won’t need to. Polly will get better, and quicker than you think.’ I felt tears in my cat eyes at the thought of the beautiful fragile woman, but I hoped Franceska was right. She would get better.
Before the breakdown, I had thought she was improving. She had seemed much brighter. But then before Joe, Claire had seemed better too. I was learning that with humans, like food, you were best off taking nothing for granted.
After a bit more playing, Franceska organised lunch for the boys and Matt joined her. He said he didn’t want to disturb Polly, but I could also see he was anxious and didn’t seem to want to be on his own.
‘You make the formula for Henry and I mash some vegetables,’ Franceska said.
‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’
‘Don’t be silly. I make vegetables for my boys and then mash them for Henry. Is easy. Is easy, if we all eat together anyway. I have soup for us? Is a Polish, um, beetroot borscht?’
‘I’ve never had it.’ Matt looked a bit dubious.
‘Thomasz make it at his restaurant, is very good. You try?’
‘Of course, I’d love to try it.’ Matt was very polite but I wasn’t convinced by his tone. And when I saw the colour of this bright red stuff, I wasn’t sure about it either. Luckily, Franceska had sardines for me.
After lunch, they all went out for a walk, and then Franceska took Henry, so that Matt could go and check on Polly before collecting her mother from the train station. I stayed a bit longer to play with the boys. Thomasz was getting more and more interested in me now, copying his older brother, so it was doubly exhausting. By the time I scratched at the door to be let out, I was tired from all the playing, full from my sardines. For once, the walk back to my other homes was a good thing.
I went to check on Claire first, as I was pretty sure Jonathan wasn’t home from work yet. I realised, as I entered through the cat flap, that I had become scared of this house; my fur was standing on end. It wasn’t a nice feeling. Claire had been my first owner and she had made me so welcome that to feel I was intruding in my own home unnerved me. Claire was in the kitchen, but she had clearly been crying as she turned to me.
‘Alfie, you’re here at last!’ She picked me up. ‘I was beginning to get worried, it’s been nearly two days. Honestly Alfie, I wish I knew where you went when you’re not here. Have you got a girlfriend?’ Claire asked. I miaowed, guiltily. ‘Let’s get you some food. I know that you’re a cat and you like to go out and about, but remember that I worry about you if I don’t see you.’ She spoke softly but I felt as if I was being told off. I miaowed, trying to tell her that if she got rid of Joe I wouldn’t be so nervous about coming home, but I knew that she wouldn’t understand me. I nuzzled into her neck to say sorry instead.
‘What’s all the racket?’ Joe asked, coming into the kitchen. He was dressed as usual, in jeans and a T-shirt, but I also noticed he was getting a bit thicker around his stomach. The thinner Claire got, the fatter he got.
‘Alfie’s back. I’m just going to feed him,’ she said putting me down and getting some cat food out of the cupboard.
‘You treat that cat better than you treat me,’ he said, sounding angry.
‘Don’t be silly,’ Claire replied, laughing.
‘Don’t bloody laugh at me,’ he shouted, suddenly. I recoiled, as did Claire.
‘I’m not—’ she began.
‘You are. And you know what, I’ve had enough. You treat me like a fool. Just because I lost my job, through no fault of my own, you think you can walk all over me.’ I literally curled myself into a ball near the kitchen cupboards. I was frightened but I had no idea what to do. After Joe’s previous attempts to hurt me, I wasn’t sure just what he was capable of. He started to loom towards us and then seemed to change his mind; he turned around and punched the wall. It was a sudden, violent move and Claire screamed. He hadn’t hit her or me, but he frightened us both. There was silence for a while.
‘Joe, I think you ought to leave,’ Claire said, her voice quivering. I uncurled myself and almost jumped for joy. Joe’s face darkened, then suddenly it seemed to change.
‘I’m sorry, gosh I’m so sorry.’ He rubbed his hand. ‘I just lost my temper; I’ve never done that before.’ He moved towards Claire, who shrank further back. I went to stand protectively in front of her. I wanted to tell Claire he was a liar, but I couldn’t.
‘Joe, you’ve put a great big hole in my wall, and you say you didn’t mean to lose your temper?’ she pointed out. She sounded scared, not angry.
‘Oh God, I’m sorry. What have I done?’ Then to my amazement, he started to cry.
‘Joe, don’t cry,’ Claire said, softening.
‘I’m sorry. What must you think of me? Claire, I never behave like this but I am just so upset by the whole job thing, the fact I’ve lost my flat and I feel like I’m totally sponging off you.’
‘But I don’t mind. I know it’s not forever; you’ll soon get another job and be back on your feet.’ Her voice was no longer angry; he was so good at manipulating her. I was losing hope.
‘I wish. There’s a recession. No one is hiring at the moment. I might get some freelance work but I feel like a complete loser. I had a good job, and now look at me.’
‘Joe,’ Claire said, and went over to him. She put her arms around him, to my despair and disgust. ‘I love you, and I’m here to support you in whatever way you need. Now stop being silly and never lose your temper like that again.’ It was funny to hear Claire sounding as if she was a bit more in control, but I was furious that she had forgiven him so easily. He was clearly going to lose his temper again; men like him always did. And he didn’t make her happy. She must be mad if she thought he did.
‘I promise, Claire, I love you so much, I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’
‘You can start by fixing the wall.’ She laughed, weakly.
I stalked out in an unnoticed protest, and went to Jonathan’s. He had obviously been home from work for a while, as he already had his gym clothes on.
‘Oh, there you are, I wondered where you’d got to. I guess you’ve been flirting with female cats.’ I miaowed but wanted to say, ‘Actually, no. I’ve been in the presence of a madman who frightened me and I would very much like you to go and sort him out.’
‘Anyway, have some dinner and then you can have a rest. Flirting is hard work.’ I purred. ‘High five,’ Jonathan said, and I looked at him blankly. ‘You know, you put your hand, or paw, up and I’ll do the same.’ I raised my paw and he tapped it with his hand. ‘You clever cat, you learnt to do your first trick. I knew I was right to get rid of Philippa rather than you,’ he laughed. I looked at him in surprise. Raising my paw got such a response? It wasn’t as if I’d actually spoken or even danced. Honestly, humans could be so happy with so little.
Jonathan and I dined together before he left. I didn’t feel like going out again. I was incredibly tired from my day, both physically and emotionally, so I sought out my cashmere blanket and lay down to rest. I played the events over in my mind, and I felt that I was getting there. Franceska and her family were all right and in comparison to the others they were not going to face anything too major. That was my take on it anyway. Polly, although still ill, was going to get better. I was pretty sure of that. And Jonathan, well, he was still alone in the big house, apart from yours truly, but he seemed upbeat. I really liked him now. So that left me with Claire.
I had seen how frightening Joe could be first hand today. And I knew that it wasn’t going to be an isolated incident. I thought he would definitely lash out again. And next time, it would be Claire he hurt. I wa
s sure of it.
The idea of that brute hurting my Claire upset me so much. He obviously had some kind of hold over her and I didn’t know where it would lead but instinctively I knew it wouldn’t be good. When would it end? I had no idea, but it had to. I felt instinctively that there must be something I could do to make it stop; I just wasn’t yet sure what. As I drifted off to sleep on my soft, lovely blanket I said a cat prayer that an answer would come to me, and soon, before it was too late.
I awoke knowing the answer. It was still dark outside but the dawn chorus was about to start. No wonder cats chased and killed birds, the racket they made first thing in the morning really was unnecessary. I looked over at a sleeping Jonathan. He looked so peaceful, so content. Although inside I felt terror at what was to come, I tried to be comforted by his presence.
It was going to be a risk, I knew that. My plan, which had somehow formulated in my sleep, was foolhardy to say the least. But I also knew that it was what I had to do, which meant taking the chance and hoping with every ounce of my cat being that this plan worked out.
I nestled into Jonathan. One thing I knew was that today everything would change and I wanted him to know that I loved him no matter what. He slept soundly with me by his side for a while before his clock started beeping and he sat up. I jumped up onto his chest and smiled at him again.
‘Alfie, what are you doing in my bed?’ he asked, but not unkindly. I miaowed. He laughed, patted me affectionately and then got out of bed.
I managed to get downstairs but my legs were feeling a little bit weak. I had never thought of myself as a brave cat. Let’s face it, when I first lived with Margaret and Agnes I was anything but brave, and then when Agnes decided to like me I had no need to be brave. But when I lost them both, there was a courage that reared up in me; one I had no idea I possessed, and that’s how I survived. So my legs might not feel brave, but my resolve didn’t waver.