“Bed?” he asks, pulling me close.
“Bed,” I say and let him pull me towards the hall. While I pee and change into another of his shirts and my last pair of undies, he knocks. “You decent?” he asks before coming in. We brush our teeth next to each other, sharing the toothpaste and the towel before heading to bed
He pulls me into his arms, brushing my lips with his. I know he’s holding back, wanting to take it slow, but I want it a little faster. When he moves to break the kiss, I move with him. Kissing him, licking his lips until he groans and kisses me back. We make out on his bed, me in his clothes, and there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing.
“I have to go home in the morning, I have therapy at 11:00,” I say between kisses.
“I have to be to work at nine, so I’ll drop you off.” As if the thought of me leaving is too much, his kisses become more urgent. His hand runs down my side, settling on my behind, which he strokes and kneads. I feel the same, breaking his kiss only to nuzzle his neck.
I suck the spot under his beard that I kissed and suckled at the fair. He groans, leaning into me, turning so that his erection presses against my leg. I wrap my leg around him, pulling him closer. His hand goes under my shirt, finding my breast, which he strokes, finding the taut nipple and rubbing it with his callused thumb.
I moan against his neck, loving the panting noises he’s making.
“My turn,” he says, bending to take my nipple into his mouth. My back arches into him. I pull his hair, tugging him to me. “More,” I say as he nips at the pink flesh. I’m wet just from the make-out session, and I can feel how much he wants me.
I know in the very near future this tender, loving man is the one I want to own my virginity. But not tonight. He pulls away, kissing me tenderly. “There’s a few things you’ve gotta take care of before I let you deflower me,” he says, which makes me giggle.
I mime a salute. “Yes, sir.” But my libido nosedives at the thought of those untied strings that are dangling from my old life. If I don’t take care of them, I might get tangled in them.
He sees the shadow that crosses my face. “Blue?” I look up into his watchful eyes. “Yeah?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be here every step of the way for as much or as little as you need.” I nod, secure that he will be.
The concierge has my keys. “Your friend left these for you. She took your cat. I hope that was okay.” The worried look in his eyes tells me his job might depend on my answer.
I grab the keys and wave away his concerns. “Oh, yeah, I told her to. Thanks.” As I get on the elevator, I call Sasha.
She’s breathless when she answers. “Hey, bitch!”
“Hey Sasha, how’s it going?” The doors open, and I hold the phone with a shoulder while letting myself into the apartment.
“Good, good. Just finished a Favor. What’s up?” I’ve got her full attention, and I’m going to need it.
“How much money is in my Chubby Chaser account?” I ask, and wince. They’ve given me so much, and I feel like a greedy ass even asking.
“Hold on, let me go in the office and check.” As she walks, she talks, lowering her voice. “You at home? Javi’s got a clue something’s going on. He’s been calling. The only thing I said was that you’re fine and having fun. Hope that was okay.”
“Yeah,” I say, my stomach hurting at the thought of breaking his heart.
“Okay.” She whistles through her teeth. “You’ve got a little over twenty thousand in there. You little worker bee, you.”
That’s a good start. “Good. I’m gonna need it for the next part.”
“The next part...” She puzzles over that, and then with a knowing tone she says, “Ohhh, the next part. I get it. What’s the plan, Stan?”
What is the plan? I think for a minute and lay it out for both of us. “Well, I’m gonna shower and get dressed, go to therapy, then head to the bank. Can you wire that money over to my account?”
She cracks her gum before answering. “Sure thing, just take a pic of one of your blank checks and send it over.”
“Got it. Then I’m heading over to see Javi.” My heart hurts at the thought.
She lets out a breath. “Oh, shit. Glad you told me. I’ll let Gretchen know. What time are you going to see him? I’ll make sure we’re there right after for him.”
That makes me feel better about the whole thing, and I tell her. “Thanks. You are such a peach, Sasha. It’s gonna be really hard, but it’s gotta be done. Even if things don’t work out with Frankie for whatever reason, I’ve had a taste of the outside, and I’m not going back.”
The resignation in her voice lets me know she gets me. “I figured. But Blue, the way you two are together, the way he looks at you, cares for you, I don’t see it not working out.” Her mood brightens. “It’s as plain as the nipples on your tits! Riley and I both were talking about it on the way home. Riley said Frankie’s always been the serious type, nose to the grindstone and all that, his heart set on getting through school, helping animals. He’s never seen him this way about a girl ever. ‘She’s the one,’ he said when we were driving home last night.”
I smile at her words. Then outright laugh at her comments. My chest warms, and I notice the sun shining through the high windows. “And he’s the one, Sasha. I know that like I know the sun’s shining. I don’t feel anxious, nervous, or scared when I’m with him. He makes me laugh a lot and makes me feel safe. We’re taking it slow, but Frankie’s a good guy. He’s never done anything to hurt me…I’ll just leave it at that. I’ve gotta give this a chance.”
I know my words hurt her, even though they’re not meant to wound, just to educate.
“Blue,” she says, somberly, “I’m really sorry for the part I played in that whole caper.”
“I’m not!” I say with heat. “I’m not sorry for the friends I made, the things you all did for me, the love I get from you. Without the powdered donuts as an accessory, I wouldn’t have met my best friend.”
“Biiitch,” she says, making it sound like aww.
“Right back at you. Oh, and Sash, I’m gonna need you to go apartment hunting with me in the very near future.”
Her tone is all business when she says, “Count on it. I need to know where my cat’s going to land.”
We laugh and chitchat about everything till I notice the time. “Shit, I gotta go. Therapy.”
“Hey, did you ever notice if you put a space in the right spot, ‘therapy’ becomes ‘the rapy’?” I can imagine her smirk at the thought.
I laugh. “What?”
She laughs, too. “I might need to try some of the rapy myself,” she says before hanging up.
Dr. Timlan would love that.
I make it to the office with minutes to spare. I stopped at the Starbucks on the way up, and in a mad impulsive type of way, I ordered coffees and muffins all around. Clickity-Clack doesn’t even stop at the sight of the free grub, just the curt nod and the endless typing. Dr. Timlan peeks her head around the door. “Do I smell fresh coffee?” she asks, walking over to the cardboard tray. I nod, handing her a blueberry muffin in a Starbucks bag along with her own cup.
“It was that kind of date, was it?” she asks as we get settled in her office.
What kind?” Then it hits me. “Not the laid kind!” I say, shocked at the turn this banter has taken.
Her eyes widen for a moment, then a shy smile emerges. “I was gonna say the free coffee kind, but hey, yours is a good date, too.”
* * *
I stop in the visitors’ restroom before taking the elevator up to visit Javi. I’ve called ahead, so he’s expecting me. Today I’ve dressed as if in mourning. A lot of the clothes on the Blue side of the closet are getting big on me. Still wearable, but as sacks now. I still have my womanly curves, but I now have a waist. I turn to the side and study myself in the industrial mirror. I’m wearing a new pair of jeans, size 14! Low-heeled black boots and a black sweater. My somber clothes match my mood.
My hair’s pulled back into a low ponytail, I’m make-up free, except for a brush of gloss across my lips. I don’t look like the girl he knew as Blue, his Bonita, nor do I look like the Sara-no H-Patterson who ate junk food in her car and fell in with strangers because she needed someone to talk to. No, I just look like me: the person I’m still getting to know. I smile and steel myself. It’s not going to be pretty.
I smile extra wide at the small talker behind the desk. Through clear eyes, I see her for who she is. An overworked soul just trying her best. My smile catches her off guard.
“Hello, Ms. Patterson.” Her fake smile turns into a real one in response. She slides the visitor sign-in board around to face me, even pointing out where I need to sign, and hands me a pen. “Javi asked me to have you meet him in the Remembrance Garden.”
Fitting, I think. I tell her I know the way.
I see him, back to me, head in his hands, and know without a doubt he’s heard something.
“Hi, Javi,” I say, keeping my distance. He stands at the sound of my voice, and before he can take me in his arms, I cross my own across my chest. He looks me in the eye, looks up and down my body with a careful expression before giving a firm nod. Yep, he knows. Fucking Sasha!
We sit on opposite benches, across from each other. He gives me a small smile, runs his hands through his hair, which is too long on top, before he straightens his slumped shoulders and drops the bomb. “I know. He called here this morning and…well, he just wanted to make sure that I remembered this is hard for you, too. Not to make it any harder. He really cares about you, Bo...ah, Blue.”
My eyes pop open. He called here? “I’m, ah, sorry….”
He holds up a hand and shakes his head. “Don’t be, Blue. Not sorry, for anything. He was really polite. Sounded like a really good dude. Your happiness and best interests were all he really had in mind. That’s all. I’m actually glad to have gotten the warning. It gave me a little time to process…so I could keep it together.” The sadness in his voice is palpable.
Tears, which have been falling for I don’t know how long splash against my hands on my lap. I brush them away absentmindedly. He doesn’t need the gory details that I’m falling for a Harley-riding vet who trolls for trash in the ocean in his spare time when he’s not saving lost dogs and women.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Javi. I mean, I wasn’t looking for it.” I let out a sigh that sounds like a sob.
He shakes his head. “I know, Bonita, I know. The times that you’re not looking, that’s when you find the very best things.” I know he’s talking about me, which makes the tears fall faster.
He clears his throat, and I look up, noticing how tightly he’s holding on to the edge of the bench. Keeping himself from getting up and coming to me. I sniffle, wishing I would’ve brought a box of Kleenex.
He sees me looking at his hands and with great difficulty loosens his grip. “I had my chance and I fucked it all up. I let you slip through my fingers. No…I dropped you through my fingers. I knew I wasn’t right, that I’d hurt you. Hell, I did hurt you. Within days of finally getting you right where I wanted you, I did my best to get rid of you. Get distance from you. That was my subconscious mind working for me, for once. I didn’t deserve you, Blue, that’s the bottom line.”
I shake my head at his words.
But he just continues. “The minute you walked up, I knew you were no longer mine. The sparkle in your eyes gave you away.”
We sit quietly and look at the flowers, his way of giving me a chance to get myself together. I get the tears under control, but the sniffling is way out of hand.
I pull the bank envelope, containing a four million bank check, from my pocket and hand it to him.
“I don’t want it,” he says, refusing to take it. I push it towards him a few times, but he doesn’t budge. I lay it on the bench next to him and back away slowly, like he’s a snake ready to strike.
I sit and take a deep breath. “I don’t either, Javi. I’ve gotta make my own way. I don’t want to be paid off for supposed things you did or didn’t do. I’d always feel guilty and I can’t. I just can’t.” He frowns but doesn’t say anything.
So I continue ripping the Band-Aid off.
“I’m looking for my own place.” At this, he balks. But I hold up a hand. I’ve gotta get this out. “The condo isn’t me, Javi. None of it is. I don’t even know what mine looks like yet, but I want to.” I steel myself and plow through. Just above a whisper, I say, “Please, Javi, let it be this way. I need it so badly to be this way.”
The veiled sad look, the way the corner of his mouth turns down, it makes all of my joints ache, like a junkie within grabbing distance of a bag of powder. Seeing his sadness makes me yearn to fix him, to get a fix of him.
His voice is lower. “You know why I didn’t sleep with you?” My stomach turns over, hoping he’s not going to make an ugly comment.
I shake my head, the sadness in my soul mirroring that on his face.
A dark smile crosses his face. “Believe me, I wanted to. More than anything. But I didn’t, and you know why? Why I didn’t steal you away to Vegas for a quickie wedding, tying you to me forever? Would never define our relationship?” He stops, looking away to compose himself before looking back into my eyes with resolve. “I didn’t want to drag you down with me. That tie to me would’ve been a choker around your neck with a very short leash. It would have pinched, choked. It would’ve been so tight you wouldn’t have been able to breathe. I didn’t want that for you, Blue. That’s how I knew I truly loved you. I protected you from me.” He pounds his chest once for emphasis before looking away.
“It’s time to go, Blue.” He stands, and I stand with him. His eyes sear into me, into my soul, saying the final goodbye. I look back, hating that I’ve hurt this man who’s already been maimed by the past. I hope I’m not one more thing he needs to bear for the rest of his life.
When he breaks the bond between us by averting his eyes, I whisper. “Goodbye, Javi.” I head down the path that leads to a bright future with Frankie, but I know he’s watching me when he yells, “You’re getting too skinny, Bonita!”
I laugh, turn to see him once more, but he’s already walking away down his own path.
Later…
After months of staying with Frankie and the pack—more times there than sleeping in my new apartment, not even meeting my new neighbors in the building—I finally relented to Frankie’s soft coaxing and moved to his place by the beach. It’s closer to my college where I’m starting my second semester soon. Just taking General Ed. classes right now, but I’m hoping to do something in child development someday.
Sam didn’t make the cut. I brought him to visit several times. He suffered through the indignation of me lifting his tail so every dog could sniff their fill and vice versa, but he missed Sasha so much—or vice versa—that he became the newest member of the Chubby Chasers household. I can still visit, and I did, last Sunday. I had brunch with the girls before everyone dispersed to enjoy their day off.
There’re a lot of new girls. Business, apparently, is booming. Hollister took my room, which is fitting since she took my jelly donut.
Speaking of jelly donuts, Javi seems to have a thing for Hollister. He was there when I stopped by, and it wasn’t awkward, really, to watch him fawn over and eye-fuck Hollister the whole time I was there. Sasha rolled her eyes and yelled, “Get a room!” when they started making out over a Bundt cake.
Javi shrugged and gave my shoulder a pat before grabbing the Bundt and Hollister and heading towards the pool house. “He seems to be doing okay,” I say, rolling my eyes.
Sasha giggles, “I fear for the Bundt cake, though.”
We both fell over laughing at that. Gretchen joined in, but I could tell she was holding back. A little standoffish, that one. Even though Javi and I are both extremely happy apart, I get the feeling she’s a bit put out by me. Not that she’s outright mean, just cautious. Like she doesn’t know what t
o make of the situation.
Still I give her a hug when I leave, give Sam a stroke as he walks by ignoring me, and head out with Sasha to her old Mustang. Mine now. One of the things she wouldn’t let me give back.
“No, bitch,” she’d said when I admit I tried—halfheartedly—to return the car. “There’s no room for it what with my new red Hummer taking up the whole garage.”
She leans on the hood of the car. “You still getting hitched?” she asks, examining a chip on one of her kitty claws.
I lean next to her. “Yep.”
“And I’m still your best bitch, right?”
“Always,” I say, nudging her with my shoulder.
“Later, skinny.” She flips me her signature one finger Sasha Salute over her shoulder, as I watch her waggle her ass back into the house.
A Standing Ovation!
For my family that put up with me, writing, editing, writing some more. The house was a mess, dinner was cold or nonexistent, thanks for putting up with me on this journey. I love you all! Jimmy, my husband and soul mate, thanks for putting up with every new idea that pops into my head. Even though I said you were my Javi…I wrote Frankie with you in mind. You truly are my Happily Ever After! Breanna, my beautiful daughter, thanks for listening to me, giving me your feedback, and most importantly, your time. I realize I took valuable study time away, and I appreciate you and love you so much. Anth, my son, I love you more than anything. And Mom…I love you! Desiree, my niece, who reads anything I write and never judges! I love you.
For Lana and Elizabeth…my first fans! Lana, I love you and the fact that you read it…faster than I could write it! Elizabeth, I hope to meet you soon!
For TA Roth…author with a capital A and lifelong friend…you never judged, no matter how many flans I threw into the mix, didn’t bat an eyelash when I wondered if it really was possible to have sex with a jelly donut…that’s why you’ll always be my friend/friend. You get my darkness, and I get your need to be in the light.
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