by J. L. Perry
‘For the love of all things holy,’ I yell, throwing my head to the side and covering my nose with my arm. Fuck me. ‘What in the hell are they feeding you?’
Maddie mumbles something in reply, but I don’t quite hear what she says over the sound of my violent gagging. Christ, I think I’m going to throw up.
There are baby wipes in the nappy bag, but there’s no way in hell my fingers are going anywhere near that. Putting my hands under Maddie’s arms, I lift her off the sofa. Making sure to hold her at arm’s length, I run to the back door and out into the yard. Placing her carefully on the concrete next to the tap, I inhale some fresh air into my lungs.
I pick up the hose and turn the tap handle, adjusting the flow of the water.
‘Water,’ Maddie squeals, removing her dummy and dropping it to the ground.
‘Yes, water.’
She looks up at me and smiles as she places her hands in the path of the spray. I love the look of magic that dances in her eyes as her hands slice effortlessly through the water. It amazes me that such a simple thing can make her so happy. I smile when she starts laughing. She’s so damn sweet.
‘I need to clean the poop off your butt, turn around and bend over.’
She does exactly as I ask. I heave again when she leans forward and touches her toes, revealing the shit that’s spread across her arse cheeks. It gives me a whole new respect for mothers. How do they do this day in and day out? She squeals with delight the moment the cold water comes into contact with her skin.
Thankfully, the poop comes off easy enough. Crisis averted. When I reach for the tap handle to turn the water off, she sits down in the puddle under her feet and starts splashing. ‘Stay here,’ I instruct. ‘I’ll run inside and grab a towel.’ The yard is fully fenced, so there’s nowhere she can go.
‘’Kay.’ She’s so amused by the water my bet is she’ll still be exactly where I left her when I return.
Running through the house, I head straight to the linen cupboard down the hall. I can still smell the damn shit in the house as I jog back through the main room. The nappy. It’s still sitting on the sofa. I start to dry retch again when I fold it and pick it up with the tips of two fingers. Fuck, that’s nasty. How can something so putrid come out of someone so sweet? Holding my breath again, I run out the back door, quickly throwing it in the bin.
Maddie’s still sitting in the puddle with her legs outstretched and her hands splashing in the water. She grins at me when I come to a stop beside her. Her singlet is now drenched and her lips have turned a light shade of blue. It’s not winter, but there’s definitely a chill in the air this morning. Hosing her off out here probably wasn’t the smartest move.
Unfolding the towel, I wrap it around her before lifting her into my arms. ‘Let’s get you in a warm bath.’ If she gets sick, Candice and Sophia will kick my arse.
••••
I chuckle to myself as I walk into the kitchen with Maddie following close behind me. She’s like my little shadow. Wherever I go, so does she. I don’t know what the hell to do with her. After she was bathed and dressed, I chopped her up a banana to eat while we watched some television. She squealed with delight when some stupid show came on the Nick Jr. channel. Dora the Explorer, or some shit like that. It was painful, but she seemed to enjoy it immensely.
‘Wanna come to the shops with me?’ I ask, scooping her into my arms.
‘Yes,’ she replies, clapping her hands. ‘Puppy come?’
‘Yes, Puppy can come.’ I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Candice’s number.
‘Hey,’ she says when she answers. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Yeah, everything’s fine. You owe me big time for this though.’
‘I know. I’m sorry for dumping her on you.’
‘To be honest, I’m actually enjoying having her here. She’s cute.’
‘She is,’ Candice replies with a sigh.
‘I’ve gotta go and pay some bills, is it okay to take her with me?’
‘Of course. Call past the shop and grab my car keys, it has the booster seat for Maddie in the back.’
‘We’ll walk. It’s not that far.’
‘Okay. Don’t let her out of your sight, and make sure you hold her hand when you’re crossing the road—’
‘I won’t let anything happen to her,’ I say, cutting her off. Seriously, I’m not stupid.
After doing what I need to do at the post office and the bank, we head back home. I love the feel of Maddie’s little hand in mine. It’s crazy how quickly this kid has wormed her way into my heart. She’s walked most of the way, but every now and then when I could see she was tired, I carried her.
‘Hat,’ she squeals when we walk past one of the shop fronts, which has a range of colourful caps on display in the window. She has a fascination with my cap and is always taking it off my head and plonking it on her own. When I spot a pink cap that says Princess across the front, surrounded by some sparkly shit that girls like, I decide to get it for her.
‘You want me to buy you that hat?’ I ask, pointing to it.
‘Yes,’ she screams, clapping her hands as her pretty brown eyes light up. It makes me laugh. I love how the simplest things make her happy. The moment I pay for it, she puts it on her head, turning it backwards like mine. I kiss her on the cheek as we leave the shop. I didn’t think having her with me would be so enjoyable, but I’m loving my time with her.
Once we’re outside, I put her down and she automatically reaches for my hand. This kid is making me soft.
We don’t make it far. ‘Rice,’ she says, pointing to a picture of a bowl of rice in the window of a Chinese restaurant as we pass.
‘You hungry?’
‘Yes … rice.’
Chuckling, I shake my head. Fried rice is my weakness. I love it.
We go inside and someone comes over to seat us immediately. I’ve eaten here a few times and while the place isn’t much to look at, with its mismatched furnishings, it’s clean and the food is amazing. Once we’re seated, the waiter gives us a few minutes before he approaches the table. ‘Are you ready to order?’
I pick up the menu, and Maddie does the same. It makes me laugh, because not only is the menu upside down, I know she can’t read. ‘Rice,’ she blurts out.
‘Boiled or fried rice?’ The waiter looks at me for the answer. I have no idea what type of rice she likes.
‘Ride rice,’ she says. Fried rice it is then.
‘Can I get you anything else?’
‘Would you like something else?’ I ask Maddie, placing the menu on the table and looking over at her.
‘Ride rice,’ she answers with a smile. A girl after my own heart.
‘Just the rice, thanks.’
I place a small amount of rice into her bowl and fill mine. Picking up my spoon in my left hand, I’m surprised when she does the same. I watch as she picks all the prawns out with her fingers, putting them on the table beside her. Seriously, I hate them too. I usually order my rice without prawns. I chuckle when she brings the spoon to her mouth and most of the rice lands in her lap.
‘Do you want me to feed you?’
‘No,’ she says, frowning. She’s stubborn, just like her sister. ‘More rice,’ she says a few minutes later, holding her bowl out to me. ‘Ta.’
Maddie eats a total of four bowls of rice before she’s finally had enough. For someone so tiny, I’m surprised how much she can eat. After paying the bill, I lift her into my arms. ‘Time to go home.’ At least we’ve wasted a few hours. I have no idea what to do with her for the rest of the day. I hope I don’t have to sit through another episode of fucking Dora.
‘Down,’ she says once we leave the restaurant. She babbles all the way home. Although I don’t understand half of the things she’s saying, I still listen intently.
She suddenly comes to an abrupt stop when we reach my place. ‘Puppy!’ she screams.
When I see he’s no longer tucked under her arm, my gaze moves to the
ground around her feet. Fuck … no dog. We definitely had him when we left the house earlier, she insisted on bringing him.
‘Puppy!’ she screams again as the tears start to fall.
Lifting her, I hold her tightly against me. ‘It’s okay … we’ll find Puppy,’ I say, rubbing my hand over her back to soothe her. It doesn’t help, because she’s sobbing now.
‘Puppy lost.’
Fucking hell. I head back in the direction we just came from. I rack my brain, trying to think of the last time I saw her holding it. I have no idea. She’s still crying when we arrive back at the restaurant where we ate. I place her on the floor and she runs straight for the table where we sat. There’s a pile of rice on the floor where she was sitting, but no dog. I hate to think what state she’s going to be in if we can’t find it. I ask the waiter before we leave if anyone handed it in, but nothing.
Next we head back to the post office, followed by the bank. Again no Puppy. She’s absolutely beside herself now, and I’m starting to freak the hell out. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. Her big brown eyes are brimming with tears and it breaks my heart. I walk up and down the street, scanning the footpath as I go, just in case she dropped it somewhere, but to no avail. What a disaster. I consider calling Candice, but I’m not game enough to do that. I couldn’t stand dealing with two upset Crawford women.
‘I’ll buy you another Puppy,’ I whisper.
‘No … my Puppy.’ She cries into my chest and I feel like a prick for even mentioning it. It wouldn’t be the same.
Removing the pink cap from her head, I gently run my hand over her soft blonde curls. I need to call Candice, maybe she can soothe her. I’m no good at this kind of stuff. I’m pulling my phone out of my pocket when it hits me—the store where I bought the cap. We didn’t look there. We cross the street hastily.
Entering the shop, I make my way to the counter. ‘Excuse me,’ I say to the woman standing behind it, ‘you didn’t find a Snoopy stuffed toy by any chance?’
Smiling, she reaches under the counter and by some fucking miracle, she pulls out Puppy.
‘Puppy!’ Maddie squeals as she reaches for him. She kisses it before hugging it to her chest. ‘P-p-puppy,’ she whimpers, her tiny body still racked from all the crying.
‘Yeah, we found Puppy, Peanut.’ I breathe a sigh of relief.
CANDICE
What a day. After balancing the takings, I put the money in the safe. Gus stayed behind so I wouldn’t be here on my own. As frustrating as he is sometimes, he’s a good guy. ‘You need a lift?’ he asks.
‘No, my car’s parked around the back. I drove today because my mum wasn’t well.’
‘Nothing serious, I hope.’
‘Just a migraine. I’m right to lock up, I’ll see you tomorrow.’
He reaches for the shutter, pulling it down. ‘I’ll wait.’ He holds out his hand for the keys, so I pass them to him.
His eyes widen as he looks down at his palm. ‘You have a cock on your keys.’
‘I know.’ I shrug.
He shakes his head as he crouches down and secures the padlock on the roller shutter. At least he didn’t freak out the way Jax does. That just confirms Jax is a pussy when it comes to stuff like that. It’s not like it’s even real.
‘Can I ask why?’ Gus asks, passing the keys back to me.
‘I collect them.’
‘Cocks?’
‘Yeah.’
He throws back his head and laughs.
‘I like them, they fascinate me.’
‘I like you, Pinkie. You’re a cool chick. For the record, you shouldn’t tell a guy with a cock that you like cocks. It may get you into trouble.’
‘You’re safe with me, Gus, I only like big ones.’
‘My cock’s huge,’ he says, bumping me with his shoulder.
I laugh. ‘Sure it is.’
‘Well, aren’t you a fucking comedian.’
‘Yep. For the record though, I can handle myself. I’ve busted a few balls in my time.’
‘I bet you have. Remind me never to upset you.’ He chuckles. ‘Come.’ He drapes his arm over my shoulder. ‘I’ll walk you to your car.’
‘I’m fine, Gus, honestly.’
‘Don’t argue. This is not up for negotiation. I’m not letting you walk down the alleyway by yourself at this time of night. Plus, the boss will kick my arse if anything happens to you.’
‘It’s only six, Gus.’
‘I don’t care. It’s getting dark.’
‘Fine … Thank you.’
‘Besides, if there’s some poor unsuspecting guy taking a leak in the alleyway, he may require my protection from your freaky cock fetish.’
‘Very funny,’ I say, nudging him in the ribcage.
Once I’m in my car, Gus insists I lock my door before he leaves. He can be so sweet when he’s not being a meathead.
I head straight to Jax’s house. I was half expecting him to turn up at the shop today, so I was surprised when he didn’t. I’d planned to call over and check on them both during my lunch break, but by the time I drove home and got Sophia sorted, there was no time.
‘Jax, it’s me,’ I call out after knocking on the front door. The lights are on inside, and I can hear the television, so I know they’re here. ‘Jax!’
When I get no answer, I turn the handle and find the door unlocked. ‘Jax … Maddie,’ I say as I enter the foyer. Still no reply. Heading into the lounge room, I find them.
Jax is sitting on the sofa with Maddie curled up in his lap. They’re both sound asleep. Jax’s head is tilted back and Maddie has her dummy in her mouth, Puppy is tucked under her arm, and her pink blanket is draped over them both. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.
Digging in my bag, I grab my phone and take a picture. I don’t want to ever forget this sight. Hugging my bag to my chest, I take a few moments to watch them together. I love how good he is with her, and how much Maddie adores him. He’s always said he’s not the parenting type, but he’s wrong. You only have to see him with Maddie to know that.
I take a few steps towards them. Looking at Jax, I sigh. He’s so handsome with his perfectly sculpted face, and rugged features. He has a bit of stubble going on today, and it makes him look even sexier. My fingers are itching to touch it. He looks so peaceful that I feel bad having to wake them, but we’ll never get Maddie down tonight if I don’t.
‘Jax,’ I whisper, gently placing my hand on his knee and shaking it. ‘Jax, wake up.’
‘Huh?’ he says, opening his eyes. ‘Fuck.’ He reaches up and rubs the back of his neck while rolling his head around.
‘You both fell asleep,’ I whisper.
‘What time is it?’
‘Just after six.’
I see his gaze move down to Maddie asleep on his lap, and he smiles.
‘How was she?’
‘Great. We had fun.’ I can tell he’s sincere.
‘I’ll need to wake her, otherwise she won’t go back down tonight.’
He looks down at her again. The fondness I see in his eyes tugs at my heart. It makes me doubt all the decisions I’ve made where Jax is concerned. But it’s too late to undo all my mistakes.
‘We had a big day. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, but those damn kids’ shows were doing my head in.’
I laugh. ‘Yes, they’re painful. She loves them though.’
‘That Dora,’ he says as his body quivers. I’m not a fan either, but it’s one of her favourites.
‘Maddie, sweetie,’ I say softly, running my hands over her hair. ‘Wake up, baby.’ Her eyes flutter open before closing again. ‘It’s time to go home.’ Leaning forward, I place a soft kiss on her cheek and tuck one of her blonde curls behind her ear. ‘You need to wake up, baby.’
She grunts and a frown appears on her forehead, but she doesn’t open her eyes. She loves her sleep. Pulling back slightly, I look at Jax. He’s staring at me. The look on his face makes my stomach do a flip-flop. It reminds
me of the look he gave me the first time we kissed. This is one of those rare moments that seem to make the world around you stand still. I watch as his tongue darts out slightly, moistening his bottom lip. My face is only a few inches away from his and I feel a desperate need to press my mouth to his, but I can’t do that. My heart wouldn’t survive another rejection.
Quickly straightening to full height, I lift Maddie off his lap and into my arms, breaking the spell. It wouldn’t take much for me to crumble. Maddie lets out a little cry before closing her eyes and resting her head in the crook of my neck. Looking down at Jax, I see him run his hands through his thick brown hair.
‘Thanks for looking after her for me today.’
‘You’re welcome,’ he says, standing. ‘I’ll just get her things together.’
‘Do you have any dinner plans?’ I ask.
‘No. Why? I didn’t think Sophia would be up to cooking tonight.’
‘She’s not. I called her before I left work—she’s still laid up in bed. I thought maybe the three of us could go out and eat somewhere … only if you want to.’
‘You, me and Peanut?’
‘Yeah.’
He grins. ‘I’d like that.’
JAX
I WAS SO CLOSE TO KISSING HER, IT’S NOT FUNNY. THE WAY she abruptly pulled away makes me think she knew it too. There’s something about the way she is with Maddie that undoes me. Maybe it’s the thought of her one day being a mother. Christ, I dread that day. Will Candice still have room in her life for me once she’s married with children? I don’t even want to let my mind go there.
Candice sits down on the sofa with Maddie, giving her time to wake up properly, and I set about packing all her toys back into the nappy bag. Heading into the kitchen, I rinse her sippy-cup and refill it with apple juice.
‘How did things go at the shop today?’ I ask when I return to the lounge room.
‘Good. All the new stock I ordered arrived.’
‘Did the boys behave?’ Gus is a prankster, and seems to be at his worst when I’m not around.
‘They were okay.’
I pass the sippy-cup to Maddie. ‘Ta,’ she says, looking up at me with sleepy eyes and a small smile. Apart from the Puppy fiasco, we had a great day.