by Andy Cohen
TSA at Logan is staffed by a League of Older Gentlemen Massholes who are very serious about inspecting licenses and everything. But there is something weird going on there. At the first checkpoint, a man snarled at my New York license and said, “You did one thing right, you got out of New York.”
“Yeah, but I’m going back now,” I said.
He wasn’t happy. “Massachusetts is the best state, you know that.” He was looking me in the eye, deadly serious.
“Yes, I know that,” I agreed before he sent me to be cavity searched. The second man at the metal detector looked at me and said, “If you have a metal shank in your shoe, you’ll need to take them off.”
Yes, I figured that, sir, but thank you for the reminder about a metal shank being off-limits. And finally the guy sitting on the other end of the luggage conveyer—unsolicited—said, “Good for you for getting the hell out of Boston.” So there’s a weird mix of self-hate and self-love going on in the Delta terminal, which maybe shouldn’t have surprised me after this morning’s newspaper headline.
It took two shuttle experiences for me to once and for all agree with what Bruce has been saying for years: In the summer, if it’s after 2 p.m., you always take the train from NYC to Boston or DC. We were delayed again three hours to LGA. I had two tequilas, Dave had three.
THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2014
Wacha has a girlfriend in Brooklyn. Her name is Lola and she’s a King Charles. Sherman says he’s obsessed with her—he sent me pictures from doggy day care. She looks like she wears a weave and he appears shy and smitten in her presence. I don’t want him to get hurt. I worked out with the Ninj—tons of core work on the floor and running around that ladder thing, then had lunch with Bruce at Good. Went to Three Lives bookstore and got Dad a bunch of books for Father’s Day. I asked them why they don’t carry Most Talkative but they didn’t seem interested in that conversation. After consulting with Jeff Lewis and Nate Berkus, I finally pulled the trigger on hiring an architect. If I had a therapist, I might consider asking him what about the decision scared me. But I don’t.
Skyped with Mom and Dad, and Blouse was there. She and Eddie love how I dress on WWHL but cannot get over how many commercials there are.
Tonight was Joey Walsh’s eighth-grade graduation from Brooklyn Heights Montessori School. It was sweet and full of emotion for the parents and kids, but I blundered at the cookie and cheese reception afterwards when I asked for a glass of wine. I just assumed there would be wine, but I was very wrong. I was too embarrassed to tell Jeanne and Fred what I’d done but I had a feeling they’d get a report from the teacher later.
Stopped by the birthday party for Anthony from WWHL at Boxers and some dude next to me at the urinal was whistling that Lorde song so forcefully I wanted to whack him. Whistling is a massive pet peeve for me. Cannot bear it.
I’m actually looking forward to the RHONY reunion tomorrow.
FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2014
It was a monsoon outside all day and in the Hammerstein Ballroom it was raining absurdity, my favorite kind of storm. The day was a wild dance with Ramona, and after doing six of these with her, I was ready for it. Before the show, she made me promise on my dog’s life that I wouldn’t go deep about what’s going on in her marriage with Mario, but I wouldn’t promise all the way. I told her to just listen closely to my questions—which were going to be more along the lines of “What did you learn about yourself from your marriage struggles?” rather than “Who cheated on who?” We had saved that section for the end of the day, and until then I kept her happy by telling her when the next break was, how many cards I had left to ask, how many packages were remaining—I have learned that as long as I keep her closely in the loop, she remains calm. For her. When I told her we might have enough content for three parts, she was ebullient and I got a really heartfelt emo moment of how appreciative she is of our relationship. Then the love ended when I did start asking the questions about her marriage—she kept saying, “Roll the next package!” and “Next question!” Then she asked me who I was planning on having sex with tonight, and I told her when I go on a reality show about my life I would be happy to tell her. It was a tug-of-war and I wound up getting nothing out of her. And she did herself no favors by evading every question. At the end of the day she told me to watch my dog. Did I actually swear on his life before the shoot? I was going to drive to the beach after we wrapped but it was still pouring and I wound up at Whitehall 10014 with Bruce and Bryan, where we downed margaritas. The city on a summer Friday night is a mellow delight.
SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 2014—NYC–SAG HARBOR
I opened my eyes and realized with a flash I had a morning meeting with some Jehovah’s Witnesses in Sag Harbor, so I hightailed it out to the beach and was on my couch by ten-thirty, exactly the time they showed up last week. I didn’t know what to wear, so I figured sweats was the best look because I didn’t want them to think I thought about it. I got stood up and headed to Shelter Island for lunch at the Perskys’, where Joanna went absolutely nuts with the deviled eggs—I think she had two dozen for me. Which begs the question: What’s the protocol when someone goes out of their way to make you a massive amount of something and you can’t possibly eat it all? I made it through five. The peppermint ice cream was absurd. I had to stop myself from having more because I knew it was pizza for dinner tonight. We pondered Liza’s age-old favorite topic: What one thing would you ask your dog? Bill said he would ask Sassy, “Who do you love more, me or Joanna?” Joanna said she would ask what one thing she could do to make Sassy’s life better. For the life of me I can’t decide what I would ask Wacha, which is odd considering I interview people for a living. Maybe I would ask him what he would ask me.
I ran with Wacha and thought he might have a heart attack near the end. And on that note, maybe I would ask him if he could come up with a clear sign for me before having cardiac arrest. Dinner at Sam’s with Barry, Sandy, and Bryan Fox. We ordered Cokes and the waitress said they have Pepsi, which Barry, a member of the Coke board, couldn’t understand. Graham, the owner, came over to the table and we broke down his relationship with Coke and Pepsi, and Barry took his name and number. Suffice to say I will guarantee Graham will be convinced to switch to Coke by the end of the summer.
Had a drink with the doctor I met at the gay pastel party last week who is so handsome but I think too young for me. A common theme?
SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 2014—SAG HARBOR–NYC
I am not a dad, but every Father’s Day I get greetings and salutations from gay guys all over the place thinking I am a daddy. So that’s weird. It is, right? And now dog lovers are wishing me well because of Wacha. I love this dog so much but I don’t think I can embrace Father’s Day as my own. Dad loved his books except he doesn’t have an interest in the Hillary Clinton one. Tracy Anderson must be obsessed with hip flexors, because the whole workout was about lifting legs.
This isn’t a new observation but, wow, does Wacha follow me everywhere. Like every step I take. And I know it’s supposed to be “Father’s Day” for “dog parents” but he is bugging the shit out of me. I went back to the city early for our first show in two weeks and didn’t bring Wacha to the studio. I felt like we needed a few hours apart.
Recorded the voice-over for a Married to Medicine special and they had me say “tea,” “shade,” and “side eye” in every line I read. André Leon Talley had a little silver thing in his hand for the whole show; I asked what it was and he said an Elsa Peretti minaudière that he holds to calm his nerves. I asked him if it had pills in it and he said, “No pills, no coke!” On air. Love him.
Stayed after with John Hill and went deep. A late-night walk with Wacha got me vibing with him again. Danny from the Cubbyhole bartended on WWHL and then I wandered into him standing in front of the bar smoking a cig when we walked by—because I live in Mayberry—and he said he’d been very nervous on the show, which hadn’t registered with me. Anderson went to Baghdad. I’m worried about him!
MONDA
Y, JUNE 16, 2014
As we headed down the hallway for Wacha’s morning walk, I heard the old lady down the hall screaming and crying on the phone with someone. It was heart wrenching. Wacha kept looking up at me while we waited for the elevator, both of us listening to her tearfully pleading for something. It was too much to bear and she was on my mind all day. What was wrong? Who was she pleading with and for what? And in other sad news, I read in the paper that Warhol muse Ultra Violet died.
Had conference calls about a new show I’m developing that we’ll hopefully pitch to NBC sometime soon, screened an episode of RHOC and one of RHONJ, then Bruce took me to SoulCycle for a class with his favorite instructor, Marvin. It was a great workout and much less irritating than those classes usually are. As I mentioned, I can’t handle getting screamed at about spirituality by sweaty lesbians in a dark room. But Marvin was great. And Bruce has completely transformed his body by spinning.
Interviewed David Lauren for the cover of Hamptons magazine, which was interesting because I am so passionate about his brand. He answers questions like a politician. Maybe he should run for something. I’d vote for him. Doggy playdate with Jackie in Central Park, and Wacha seemed overheated so we left after an hour. Ran into Lady Bunny on the way home and we talked about the intense word-patrolling of the gay community. Now “homosexual” is a bad word. And they’re after the drag queens about half the things they’ve been saying for years. We’re going to outlaw speech itself before it’s all over.
Gabrielle Union and the new OC Housewife Shannon were on WWHL tonight. Before the show, Union’s publicist said not to ask about Dwyane Wade and so we killed a whole thing where we’d put:30 on the clock to grill her about him, and then wound up talking about him a bunch anyway. That happens all the time.
Ultra Violet’s passing had me up late flipping through the Warhol Diaries. The idea that Diana Ross comes to pick him up at his house to go chopper to Atlantic City to see Sinatra blows my mind. In the middle of the night I thought I saw a big bug on my sink but it was one of those bow-tie-y things from the dry cleaners.
TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2014
Lunch with Bill Owens at Morandi. Went deep about 60 Minutes and CBS News.
Had a booking meeting at the studio. There are always so many politics involved with booking. For instance, suddenly Wendy Williams won’t do WWHL. I don’t know why. I thought we were buddies.
I did a signing of the paperback of Most Talkative at Club Monaco. Book signings make me feel overwhelmingly positive about humanity. Everybody’s so nice to me, and people bring me very sweet things. I got three bags of Jolly Ranchers because I’ve recently been going on the air with colored tongues because of pre-show Jolly Ranchers, also a lot of treats for Wacha, a few business cards from guys looking for dude-on-dude intimacy, some résumés, a few sweaty handshakes, some good hugs, and a picture of myself. We did photos with 350 people in an hour—impressive. Oh, and two ancillary players from the RHONY showed up—Sonja’s facialist and Harry. Randomosity!
Met Bruce, Ava, and a school-mom friend of his with her kid at Good. They were already a few vinos into the night when I arrived.
Patti LaBelle was on the show with Wanda Sykes, and I am reading between the lines here: I believe that Miss Patti did get dissed by Aretha at the White House. Patti wouldn’t confirm it but I saw it on her face and she’s my Gemini twin. Why the hell would Aretha dis Patti? I am racking my brain. Patti’s hair stylist Norma was with her—she always is; I’d met them both when I did a profile for 48 Hours in 1996 and have seen them together over the years. We played “Who’s in the Cell with Patti LaBelle?” Classic.
I Googled “do dogs feel love.” I discovered that a dog experiences all of the basic emotions: joy, fear, anger, disgust, and even love. But based on current research it seems likely that a dog will not have more complex emotions like guilt, pride, and shame. Benjamin and Pablo threw a Tall Night for people who like tall dudes at Atlas Social Club. What a good idea and why didn’t I go? Been texting AC in Baghdad. To make matters worse for him, his Instagram is blocked. So I’ve been trying to give him a play-by-play of what he’s “missing” from the people we follow to take his mind off his life being in peril.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18, 2014
Like clockwork I got a request from The Wendy Williams Show to tape a fiftieth-birthday greeting. I told Ryan to ask the people who asked me to do it why Wendy won’t do my show, and to tell them that I thought we were buddies. Why, Wendy? Why? I’ll never find out the real reason. For some reason, the Sean Avery engagement rumors are back. I have been getting “Congratulations” tweets for the last two days.
I guess I wanted some attention, because I Instagrammed a muscly pic of myself at the gym. Seems kinda desperate in the rearview mirror but I’m in great shape—and terrified about gaining multitudes of weight in Europe over the July Fourth weekend. There’s no way I won’t be sloshing in wine and pasta. I got twenty-five thousand likes, so I guess that gave me some confidence for a few hours.
We taped JLo tonight for air tomorrow. Despite the many diva shenanigan stories I’ve heard about her, she was completely graceful and drama-free: on time, no restrictions on the interview, no rider, and totally open and willing to go beyond my questions. She says she’s a fan of the show. Not only was my Ninj in the audience, but Surfin was too and I think Liza came just because she knew Surf would be there. (They love each other.) It’s always weird seeing people you know from one place in another (“Why is my teacher at McDonald’s, Mommy!?”—I never said that but I am making a point) but having Surf in the Clubhouse felt just right and he’ll be back. He couldn’t believe how close he was sitting to JLo. There’s not a show that gets you closer to the guest. JLo is probably the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She is flawless. Benny Medina was with her and he’s a lot of fun. We always talk about Motown and Diana Ross. He started out working for Berry Gordy, so he has a ton of great stories. I was posing for a picture during a commercial break and JLo noticed that thing I do with my leg—the Angelina Jolie extension—and I told her I had to do it because of how big my dick is. So clearly I felt comfortable with her.
The live show was 50 Cent and Jerry Ferrara. A caller asked how much cash each of them had and 50 pulled out ten grand (in hundreds) from his back pocket. I still can’t get over it. The idea of him having sex with Chelsea Handler confuses me. He’s really hot.
After the show we all partied like it was our birthday and I wound up bringing my glass with me in the car home. That’s not messy. Joe was the night doorman and he said, “Oh, you brought your glass with you, huh?”
THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 2014—NYC–SAG HARBOR
I asked Anderson how much danger he’s in and he said they have major security detail and are restricted in their movements. I suggested that he play Whoopi Goldberg saying “You in dangah, gurl” from Ghost over and over in his head so he wouldn’t get lazy. The poor guy is trying to report on world news and this is what I’m telling him to do.
Lunch with LZ at Good. We talked about everything and of course the last topic, as it often is with us, is what’s going on with my love life or lack thereof. I explained that I do want to be in love. But I am so happy right now, and unfortunately the older I get I am probably boxing myself more into my own lane and routine, which may not be helping the relationship cause. Though the dog opened me up, I remain concerned that Wacha falsely convinces me I already have enough love. And maybe I do have enough love, because I got an email from Bryant Gumbel entitled “What?” saying that someone told him that I got engaged.
I had a daytime massage before our Friends In Deed board meeting. I feel like we have some momentum on this board, new members and new energy for events we are planning in the next year.
Drove to the beach to see the doctor, because I have plans all weekend. Maybe the chat with LZ got me in the zone, because we had a great date, chilling until 3 a.m. He had to be at the hospital at 6. Beyond being incredibly delicious, he is a quality guy
.
FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2014—SAG HARBOR
Ran into Hilary Rhoda at Tracy Anderson and told her that the engagement rumors are back. She didn’t seem thrilled. Why would she be thrilled that her fiancé is rumored to be engaged to a dude? I shoulda kept my mouth shut. The class wasn’t great. The instructor played “G.U.Y.,” which I guess is my theme song because I’m in the video; Bruce’s instructor at SoulCycle also played it for me last week.
Hung out at Bruce’s. Bought three new diaries: Virginia Woolf, Noël Coward, and Alan Bennett.
Voted for myself for the Emmys. We won’t get nominated. It is an impossible category with all the heavy hitters—the Jimmys, Colbert, Daily Show, etc.
Saw Sandra Bernhard at Guild Hall in East Hampton. Two of her doctors were in the crowd, which made sense given the venue, and she went off on a lot of WASPs. She was brilliant. Her “Wrecking Ball” rework is perfect. Went to the Palm after and some guy came up to Bruce and Bryan and me and told us about finding a son he never knew he had. After he left, we realized that this guy was a friend none of us ever knew we had. None of us knew him. So that was weird—hovering over us with seven minutes of personal baggage dumped on us while our food was served and we ate. Everybody wants to be heard!