by Amber Nation
Just when I thought that I could convey my fears and insecurities, he took a deep breath and let his words hang in the air, “I was married before."
This surprised me so I swung my head around to where I was looking at him, deep into his eyes. I could see his broken heart right before me.
Instinctively, I reached for his hand and mingled our fingers together and it warmed me that he squeezed my hand back instead of letting it go. He had a story to tell as well, he just started his before mine, and now I was urging him to continue on. I knew that this wouldn’t be easy for either of us. Tonight was a turning point in this dance between us, I could feel it deep down to the depths of my soul.
“Erin and I went to school together and began dating in high school. Things were serious and now that I look back on it now, more serious than they should’ve been. We were just kids for Christ sake. We were twenty-one and had just barely started our actual life when she said that she was pregnant. So, I knew my responsibilities and wouldn’t ever slack on them, so we got married, and several months later Hannah was born…"
With the tone in his story, I knew it wasn’t going to have a pleasant outcome, but little did I know how extremely devastating this would be.
I could already feel the tears beginning to well up in the corners of my eyes. He would never truly know how deeply he impacted me with his words.
“Erin was a manic depressive and didn’t follow her doctor’s strict guidelines and medication, so she was lazy, and disconnected from the entire world, and didn’t see the wrongfulness in her actions."
I squeezed his hand tighter to silently convey that I was still with him, even though inside I was reeling.
His eyes started to haze over, he was projected right back into that time in his life as he continued on, “Hannah was my entire world, my princess. She hung the freaking moon, I never knew how I could love another human being so much, but I loved that little girl more than anything in this entire world. Erin had goaded me into putting Hannah in preschool whenever she turned three, and I agreed. I thought it would be great for her to interact with other kids her age, make new friends, and learn things that I couldn’t teach her, her mom’s reasoning for wanting her to go to school, were selfish. Erin just wanted time to herself without having to watch her.
“I worked for my dad, I was the head mechanic at Jameson Auto; I didn’t always want to be a paramedic. I was a born and bred mechanic and I enjoyed it, and to an extent I still do. But that Monday morning I had to open the shop because my dad had to take my ma to a doctor’s appointment. That was the day my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer and she ended up losing her battle exactly six months later, but I think a broken heart helped in that matter as well." He wiped a stray tear from his eye, “Sorry I’m getting off track. So because I had to open the shop early I wasn’t able to take Hannah to school. Erin wasn’t exactly thrilled about it, and I remembered her being hateful and pissed off that she had to get up out of bed to take her own daughter to school.
“The day had went on, but I was constantly on edge waiting to hear the news from my parents. I had to even stop what I was doing to call Erin to remind her to pick up Hannah. Well, a little later I received a phone call from Hannah’s school stating that she was struck by a motorist walking across the crosswalk in front of her preschool and that they had just gotten off of the phone with 9-1-1."
My heart lodged in my throat and the onslaught of tears was steadily streaming down my face by this point. I wanted him to stop, needed him to halt his storytelling because I ultimately knew what the outcome would be, but he didn’t, he trudged on.
“I don’t even remember leaving the garage, I had left all of the doors open and unlocked, I didn’t care, and by the grace of God I made it to the scene. I arrived ten minutes after the school had called me, and would you fucking know it that the ambulance didn’t pull up until thirty seconds after me. I had rushed over to where the director of her school was holding my little princess," his voice choked up and it became difficult to understand him because he was almost to the point of sobbing. “The director later told me that Hannah was alive when she brought her in her lap and had died while waiting for the ambulance to arrive."
He buried his head in his hands and I could feel the sobs wracking his entire body as I rested my cheek on his shoulder. My heart broke for him and for Hannah. I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say or do. I knew better than to give him pity or be overly sympathetic because if he was anything like me, if would just cause more harm than good.
He lifted his head up and sniffed trying to clear out his nose and proceeded even further, “Twelve minutes. It took the ambulance crew twelve fucking minutes to get to my baby girl. In that moment, I knew that I had to become a paramedic because I couldn’t let innocent people die in the fucking street because they had to wait twelve fucking minutes for someone to arrive."
“Did Erin get hit as well?" He hadn’t said anything further about Erin so I wondered if she was injured or worse.
He let out a maniacal cackle, “Erin didn’t get a fucking scratch or a droplet of blood on her. The director of the preschool was covered in Hannah’s blood trying to keep my princess alive while Erin stood on the sidewalk and fucking watched. Come to find out, she was walking ahead of Hannah at the crosswalk, not even holding her hand. I sometimes wondered if Erin ever had a motherly bone in her body. That day I lost my Hannah, I lost all respect for that bitch, Erin. I never ever thought I could be the type of person to hate someone, but I loathe that woman with every fiber that I am. For her to just stand there and watch her own daughter die without trying to do a damn thing, that’s fucked up."
I was utterly appalled at Erin’s actions and I didn’t even know the woman. How could any mother not protect her child? I would fight tooth and nail for my child and ultimately to the death to protect them. I was more angered than I had ever been and if Erin were right in front of me, I would have a few choice words to say to her followed by one hell of a beating.
“So the day I buried my Hannah, Erin was served with divorce papers. I’ve never seen or heard from her since. I went into a pretty deep depression myself and cut ties from everyone including my parents. I quit going into work and began drowning myself in alcohol. It wasn’t until the phone call from my dad saying that my mother had died six months later did I finally realize that I needed to get my life together. The day after my ma’s funeral I packed up and left St. Louis and haven’t been back since. I call my dad on the rare occasion. But I’m different now, things are different. I know my dad suffered through all of this too, but I just can’t bring myself to go back there."
I finally spoke up, “How long ago has this all been?"
“Four years."
To think that Mike would’ve had a seven year old running around. No wonder he kept himself closed up and to himself. I couldn’t even fathom what he’d been through and it makes like all of my problems seem like child’s play.
He got up from off of my bed and walked out of the room, I didn’t hear his door shut, so I assumed he went into the living room.
I was going to give him a few minutes before I went in there to rehash my past. He was brave enough to tell me about the agonizing way he lost his precious princess, that the least I could do was speak up about mine.
I recalled the conversation I had with Brock the other day at the garage, I thought it was strange that he came to the truck while Mike was still inside, but now his words made sense. He told me to be patient with him and not give up because he had been through so much in his entire life. Things were starting to make sense now as to why Mike had been almost guarded with me, he didn’t want to open himself up in fear that he would possibly be happy. He felt as if he shouldn’t be happy in life and that is the wrong way of going about it.
After fifteen minutes had passed, I walked into the living room to find Mike leaning his head against the back of the couch. I sat down right next to him and rested my head on
his shoulder and automatically felt his hand come around and grip mine.
“First, I want to say thank you for trusting me enough with your story. I’m not going to dwell on it, because that wouldn’t be what I would want, but I want you to know for what it’s worth, I’m sure you were an amazing father, like you should be. And Hannah would be so very proud of you for becoming a paramedic and helping save lives."
“Thank you for that. It feels oddly comforting getting it all out. Brock is the only person in Brown County to really know anything about me."
“Did you love her? Erin I mean." I had no clue why I just asked that question. It was really none of my business.
“Did I love Erin? That is a tough question to answer. At one point in time I believed that I was in love with her, but now I see it as it was infatuation. I think I loved the idea of Erin, but in the end I wasn’t really in love with her."
He sat there for a moment, before he said something that made my world tilt on its axis, much like the man did himself.
“I do know that I never want any more kids. I don’t think I could ever take being subjected to something like that again. Is that selfish of me? Possibly, but if anyone wants to judge me for that, then they really don’t know what it’s like to lose a child."
“I do."
Two little words were all I could get out. Because I knew what it felt like to lose a child, granted mine was still in utero, but nevertheless I’ve dealt with that pain.
He turned towards me with a perplexed look on his face, “You do?"
I nodded my head before I started along on my journey through the past.
“Let me start at the very beginning… I was what you more or less would call a child prodigy. I was classically trained and mastered the piano by the age of ten. My childhood consisted of hours upon hours of rehearsing and learning different concertos on the piano, and recitals near and far on the weekends. I was accepted into Julliard with the hopes of achieving a double major, one for concert piano and the other for singing."
I looked down at my damaged hands, although to the average person on the outside they looked like normal hands.
“You sing?" He interrupted my thoughts by that one question.
“Not anymore. I’m sorry, but you will probably never hear me sing, I just don’t anymore. I still enjoy playing the piano, but sometimes it’s just hard for me to because of my arthritis in my hands and fingers.
“Anyways, back to where I was. I was so genuinely thrilled to be one of the ones chosen to study at Juilliard. I wanted to play for the New York Symphony. To have the distinguished honor to play in the Symphony Orchestra in front of all of New York, it was my dream. And it was almost obtainable.
“But fresh out of high school I met Pate Strickland. My story started out much like yours, a lot like yours in fact. It was a whirlwind romance and I really did believe that we were in love. I ended up pregnant shortly after we met so being only eighteen, I cancelled on my dreams so we could follow Pate’s. We moved in together and things ended up changing.
“Pate went to school to become a lawyer and in the end he did. You see Pate Strickland’s dad is a prestigious judge, so Pate always had a job working with him. Several months into the pregnancy I had some intense abdominal cramping and wanted to go to the hospital to get it checked out. Pate wouldn’t let me, he actually refused. We ended up in an argument and he punched me in the stomach. I remembered blacking out and the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital and had lost the baby. Pate told the doctor’s that I fell."
Bringing back all these memories was hell on my tear ducts. I was already covered in tears and my shirt was wet from constantly wiping my eyes on it.
“Being who he was, no one ever even questioned him. He apologized profusely and promised me that it would never happen again. And I was naïve enough to believe him. Law school was tough on him, stressed him out so he ended up turning to alcohol. You will never ever see me drink because I know what it can do to a person. He turned into a hateful, vile person, but I was stuck because of some kind of hold he had over me. He treated me like a slave and forbid me to work. I had to cater to his every whim and cook and clean. I remember the first time that dinner wasn’t on the table when he got home from work. He took my only dream left and crushed it, quite literally. When I misbehaved, he would break my fingers. I couldn’t actually tell you how many times they’ve each been broken. So much that arthritis has taken over. I do have more good days than bad, but if I spend too much time playing piano I pay for it the next day."
I could see Mike’s hands clenched and I covered my outstretched hand over his, to try to get him to ease up the tension.
“It’s not worth it," I shook my head as I said, “I’m fine now. When things would get out of hand and he hurt me worse than he anticipated he would bring me to the hospital, but he would tell everyone that I was clumsy. Who would believe me over him? No one that’s who, I tried profusely to tell someone when we went, but no one listened to me. It got to the point to where he would lock me in the house and I wasn’t able to leave at all. I was a prisoner in my own home. The majority of the time he forced me to have sex with him, no matter the time or the place, when he wanted it, he got it. I lived outside my own head for those sessions, because if I hadn’t I clearly wouldn’t have been sane."
Mike
Listening to Sheridan rehash her past was tearing me up inside. She was forced to basically give up everything and live inside of some morbid prison. And to think no one would listen to her cry for help because of his father? I was completely infuriated that some man thought he could treat someone that he supposedly loved like this. I wished I knew where exactly this Pate Strickland was, but that was the thing, Sheridan never divulged where she was from.
I felt that new familiar pull when she wrapped her hand around mine to try to ease my tension. I could feel my blood pressure skyrocket just by listening to her.
“I managed to get away once before now. It was a little over three years ago, he was running late for an important exam and forgot to set the alarm." She must’ve registered my surprised reaction when I raised a brow. “Yeah, that’s the funny thing, most people had alarms for keeping people out; this alarm was for keeping me in.
“I ran to my parents and skimmed over most of the situation and was able to stay off of his radar for eleven months. Eleven wonderful months."
She seemed to get a twinkle in her eye, I could tell that the time away from him was good for her. But then I thought about her living here. She never goes out, she cooks and cleans for me. And even though I didn’t know any better, I was no better than Pate, keeping her hoisted inside of the house. I would have to make it my mission to take her out, see more of Brown County.
“What happened after the eleven months?"
“He found me. My parents had moved during that time I was home and tried to keep everything conspicuous, but the one time I go to the store, he finds me. He told me that if I didn’t come with him that he would find my family and kill them. So what choice did I have? I was his puppet again to do as he pleased. Until that one fateful day about three months ago, I left for good. I don’t know if he is searching for me, but he had been eyes deep in cases at the law firm, so I suspect he wouldn’t have even had the time. I stopped at my parents for a week, got my last name changed, got my old car that luckily still ran and went on my way in finding somewhere new to start my life over. And low and behold, I get in a wreck in a small ass town and met someone who I hope will become a great friend, if we can get over each other’s insecurities."
She nudged her shoulder into mine, which caused me to look into her eyes, she was talking about me, she wanted to be friends. That was just my luck, here I finally decided that I wanted to try and have more with this woman, she decides to throw out the friend card. But I would take whatever I could get.
“I’m sorry all that happened to you, Sheridan. Really I am, and here I’ve been awful to you. No more cooking or cleaning whi
le you’re here, got it?" I said and I really wasn’t joking.
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, I actually like cooking. And I like it even more when I’m not being forced."
I laid my head back on the couch again, I was absolutely exhausted. So much raw emotion floating around today. It had been one fucking long ass day and I was ready for a new day with hopefully a lot more laughs and a lot fewer tears.
The next thing I knew, Sadie was nudging my knee and when I looked up, the sunlight was pouring in through the curtains. Stretching out an arm, I realized that my other one was asleep, but it was because Sheridan was curled up next to me on the couch wrapped around it. I felt the hint of a smile flit across my face as I so gently tried to remove my arm from her sleepy clutch without waking her up.
It was a failed attempt as she started stretching as well, but pushing her chest out, accentuating her mouthwatering breasts. It didn’t help that I currently had morning wood, and this was just too enticing not to watch.
I kept staring until she let out a yawn and a sleep-filled, “Good morning. I do have to say Mr. Jameson that you make an amazing pillow and I ended up sleeping great. But that could also be the fact that I was completely drained."
“I agree. I slept very well even though this couch doesn’t normally sleep the best. Um, I do have a question about last night if that’s alright."
Something had been niggling in the back of my mind.
“Um, ok."
“Last night you said that he doesn’t know where you are and that you don’t think he’s coming for you, but what if he is? And your real last name isn’t Nichols?"
“Technically, that was two questions, but in the light of the matter I’ll let it slide."
She tried to joke, but it really just made me want to shut her up by kissing her smart ass mouth.
“For all intents and purposes, my last name is now Nichols. And, yes, Pate could be looking for me. But honestly, I’m free now, I can’t live my life in constant fear. I’m six hours away from him, and with my last name different, I think it would be a little harder for him to find me. But I would rather not talk about this anymore, it’s the past. I’m going to be trying to make a new life for myself and if Brown County is going to be it, I need to start looking for a job."