by Andrew Elgin
"Are you saying you found my memories?"
Della threw back her head and laughed hard and loud, startling him.
"What? Why are you laughing at me?"
The energy of her laughing had tumbled the rest of her hair down, but she was in no mood to deal with it, sweeping it grandly to one side as she grinned at Javin. "How like a man to ask that question! Only you can tell if you've got your memories back. How on Harmony would I know? You've got the answer in your own head and you go and ask me!" She shook her head again, hair flying, as she subsided into silent spasms of mirth.
Javin felt abashed for a moment, but soon, he saw the reason for laughter as well and sleepily nodded his appreciation of the stupidity of the question. The energy subsided between them and he caught Della looking at him seriously. She reached out her cool hand to place it on his forehead. "The answer's in there, Javin. But I can see that the thought of finding the memories is...scary?" Javin nodded, suddenly feeling very tired again. "If they are there, if your early life is there, just think back. I suppose that's how it works. If it's not there, it's not there. And we'll worry about what to do about that, or not, later. Right now, you can sleep. Shall I give you something to help you?"
Javin thought for a moment but shook his head, still careful not to move too quickly. "I think I want to find out about myself." He smiled weakly up at her. "Let me think, for just a moment." Della nodded and stayed still, looking down at him, her eyes narrowing as she frowned her concern. Javin let himself push back as far as he could. The same memories he had with Tarla. But there was something else beyond those now. No longer a wall, but something else. A view? Faces? Feelings? There were snatches of things he possibly had known before, but he couldn't put them into place, connect them to anything he knew now. He shook his head again slowly. "I can almost sense something that I haven't known about before. But it's all vague."
She sat back, eyes narrowed, and nodded, whether in frustration or relief, he couldn't tell. "Don't worry, Javin. It's a start."
"But what if it never comes back?"
"What if it does, though? That's the question you should be asking." She bent to collect the tray, bringing her face closer to look directly at him. "It might take time. But it will come back. Don't ask me how I know. It will. And that's what you have to be prepared for."
With his mind feeling clearer, Javin's body also seemed to make quicker progress. He was soon able to move from the bed to the chair, and from the chair to the table in the other room where he watched and helped Della as she worked. All the while, fragments of memories, fractured pictures with no reference at first, appeared in his mind. Names of places and people arrived without warning, but also without any way of knowing how old they were, or where they came from. They were just isolated moments out of sequence. Occasionally, there was a memory which ended abruptly or switched to something else without warning.
Over time and with repetition, he came to understand and then to actually know which faces were of his father and mother. As yet, that's all they were. There was little emotion attached to the pictures, because he hadn't yet formed connections from them to anything else.
And all the time he was forming the fragments and rearranging them, he was able to do more and more. He learned, very quickly, that being a healer meant being constantly active. There were all sorts of tasks needing to be done, many of which could be carried out sitting down and taking little effort. So it was that in the days following his newfound clarity and returning memories, he sorted, swept, tidied, counted, moved, removed, soaked, boiled, dried, crushed, baked, shredded, picked, pickled, smelt, tasted, rubbed in, scrubbed off, washed out and crumbled all sorts of plants, roots, seeds, insects, rocks, clays and even crystals. Sometimes he just watched as Della worked with the array of herbs, plants, roots and insects in her home. It was, he realized, like the farm: there was always something to do, something needing to be looked after from first light to falling into bed.
He started out weak and tired but, in the careful, continual work, he slowly gained strength and endurance again. His frame began to fill out. His mind took in everything. He became immersed in everything Della introduced him to. It was as if he needed something outside of himself, something he could lose himself in, to allow the internal healing to take place. But still the urge to leave was in him and every now and then Della stopped him with a gentle touch and said, "I promise I will let you leave when you are strong enough. But that is not yet, and I have not forgotten my promise to you." And that would have to suffice, because, despite his eagerness, he heard the truth in her voice, echoed as it was in the slow recovery of his body. The swelling had long gone, the bruising was just a memory, but there were lumps on his head and face where there had been none, and the weakness of his limbs showed in the trembling he could not control when he was tired. He knew he was not fit for a long trek. But that did not stop him yearning to begin it.
The two of them, the healer and her reluctant patient, shared slices of their lives with each other; snippets of their past, told and lingered over again as they worked. She spoke of her childhood and some of her patients as well as her hopes for the future. Javin told her the things he could recall and how they might be related to each other. He spoke of Torrint and Blackeye and Hanlar and the farm, but little about Meldren beyond the fact that he wanted to get back to her, that she was something special to him.
Javin was at the sink one damp, cold day, the wind sliding under the door and finding cracks to discomfort them no matter where they were or what they were doing. He was rinsing some crackbane and his sleeves had fallen down again. He rolled them up, cold and clammy on his skin. These were clothes Della had found or acquired in some fashion, but they were too big for him. He had lost a lot of weight and any clothes simply hung from him. Wrinkling his nose at the unpleasant coldness on his arms, he looked at Della who was concentrating on making a paste or poultice (Javin was never clear on the difference), judging carefully the consistency by dipping a finger into it every now and then before adding more water.
"Did I tell you Harmony came to me? To me and Meldren? At the canyon."
Della stopped stirring and wiped her hands on her skirts, adding to the interesting variety of stains there. She stared at him, eyebrows raised in surprise. "No, Javin. I can honestly say that you have never told me any such thing. Any reason for either not telling me before or for telling me now? It seems a rather large thing to have overlooked, don't you think?"
Javin hid his discomfort at the question by trying to squeeze some water from his sleeves, without success. "I don't really know, Della." He gave up and let them dangle. "I didn't mean not to tell you. It's why I have to go to Meldren. We shared that, together. It was... well, it was a strange thing and I'm not really sure what happened or what it meant." He shrugged a little.
Della took a deep breath and opened her eyes wide as if she didn't know where to start answering him. When she spoke, her voice was calm, but it did not hide the fact that she was trying to be calm. "Harmony? She came to you? To you and Meldren? And you say that you have no idea about it, about what it means?" Javin gave another, smaller shrug, to which Della added a nod or two. "I've heard of such things, of course. I mean, everyone has. But hearing about it and having it happen to someone, to you, that's something else entirely."
"So, if it's so special, you must know what it means, then"
Della's gaze was long enough to make him feel uncomfortable. "What you're really asking is for me to tell you exactly what to expect, exactly what it means for you in precise detail." A slight shake of the head. "I can't do that. What I can do, instead, is tell you something you need to hear. And that is, that if Harmony has come to you, in whatever form, however it happened, it means one thing and one thing only. It means that you, and this girl of yours, Meldren, have been chosen by Harmony. And before you ask what that means, I can tell you that it means that you two are special to Her. And I have no idea what that means, only that She has s
ingled you both out for something important. Important to Her, that is. And don't even think of asking what that might mean. After all, can you really begin to understand how a whole planet thinks?" She shook her head again at the enormity of that thought. Her voice now really was calm. "There's nothing specific I can tell you, except one thing. And you need to keep this in mind. If Harmony has chosen both of you, it means that She will look after you."
"And that would include making me unconscious and bed-ridden for days and days, would it?"
"You were coming to see me about your loss of memories, weren't you? Instead, you hit your head. Do you think it's possible that I could have helped you if you had just turned up? Probably not. Hitting your head gave me the opportunity to try something I never would have done. Before, I would have just given you some herbs and all the stuff I'd been taught or heard of. And I can't help but think that the blow to the head might have been a necessary part of the process in some fashion. I don't know what goes on in the brain, or how it works, but, if Harmony needs you, She's going to be looking out for you."
"But I still don't understand why, if that's the case, I have to wait so long to get back with Meldren?"
Della smiled. "It's no time at all to a planet, is it? Perhaps, to Her, one of our years is only a day. If She wants you two together, you can be very sure it will happen. And, if you two had that experience, then it sounds like She wants exactly that." She crossed her arms, nodding at her own sagacity. "Besides, for all I know, there's a very good reason for you being here, apart from the memory." She smiled again, a broad, bright smile. "Whatever it is, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I got to know you, and glad I could help you and so help Harmony."
"That's pretty much what Torrint said." Javin looked down at himself, his old clothes and damp arms. "I can't really say I feel special. I feel more like, well... just me."
"And who would that be?" Della's eyes still carried the smile.
And then the strangest thing happened. As Javin thought about how to answer, he was aware that the music which had been in and out of his head, now was stronger, at the same time as the bits and pieces of his memory began to slide together, creating a bigger picture, showing him his life, his whole life.
He stood transfixed, watching his life unfold. Names, places, smells, tastes, the whole of his life unrolled in a complex tapestry of detail, each piece linking to another and another and another. He not only knew his past, he understood it, he felt it.
His eyes were open but unfocused, his jaw agape, his arms hung loose by his side. Della rose and moved to him, but there was something about him, around him or emanating from him, which acted to caution her, to hold her as witness only. Finally, Javin closed his mouth, gulped once and saw her before him. That's when she moved to support him, reach for a drink, a chair, anything to help him.
He appeared dazed. For a long time, there was only a deep silence between them; Della feeling that simply being there was the best medicine she could provide, and Javin trying to bring his past and the present together in his mind.
Della resisted as long as she could but finally gave in to her impatience. "What happened, Javin? Are you all right?"
He turned his head slowly towards her, as if it was unbearably heavy. He spoke slowly, almost as if he couldn't believe his own words. "I know who I am. It's all come back."
"That's wonderful!" Her professionalism kicked in. "Do you have any aches or pains, or anything else like that?"
Javin gave another very slow shake of his head, still with a stunned look on his face. "Nothing. It just rushed in. It came in with the music. The same music I heard before... with Meldren." He let out a slow breath, closing his eyes.
Della's eyes widened. "That must be Harmony! You heard Harmony!" A look of yearning, of envy, filled her face. "Oh, Javin! Harmony spoke to you. She spoke to you here," she indicated the cottage, "in this place. She spoke to you in this place!"
Javin put a hand to his forehead. "All I know for sure is I feel tired now, exhausted, after that. Suddenly, really tired. I need to sleep, Della. Really need to sleep." She went to help him to the bed but he waved her away. "No. The couch will do fine. It's your bed now. I've had it too long. I'll be fine. Really."
He fell onto it and was instantly asleep.
Chapter Twenty-One
There had been, not arguments as such, but gentle disagreements, about his leaving. Della was adamant that he did not have enough strength to walk to the edge of the village. Javin was quite positive that he was able to. "After all," as he had said, "you told me that Harmony would be looking after me. So I'll be fine, won't I?"
It was hard for Della to argue against her own advice, so she reluctantly gathered some food for the journey. As she did so, Javin shared his new memories with her; of his father, the president of Haven, of the coup where his parents died and he was taken and had his memories wiped, of his living in a ghetto, struggling to survive by stealing and lying, and of being captured again and sent to Harmony. All of it was there now.
As Javin told her, he was surprised at how little he was upset to learn of how he and his parents had been treated. It was, as he said, "...just something that happened to me, but it doesn't feel like it was me. I can remember it all. The sounds, shooting, everything. But, the strange part is that it's almost like I don't really mind. I'm not angry. I don't really feel sad, either. It's a bit like thinking back to working with Hanlar and Paysa. Yes, I know it happened, but beyond that, it's like it's not so important anymore. Is that normal?"
"Normal?" Della snorted as she stood at the table, packing a weather-beaten leather satchel for him. "Harmony speaks to you, more than once, you regain all your memories and as a result, you realize that you're the son of the leader of another planet, and you're asking me what's normal? How should I know? I'd say that if it feels that it's the right way to feel then it probably is the right way to feel. And I still don't think you're well enough to be doing this." She leaned over the table where Javin was finishing his meal. "Are you?"
He had to admit to feeling less than certain, but the thought of Meldren thinking he had abandoned her was enough to drive him on. Besides, if Torrint and Della, both people he trusted, thought the same about him and Harmony, it was probably about time he put some trust in it himself. "I'll be fine. And, if I'm not, then I'll make sure I collapse very close to here so you can pick me up and tell me how stupid I was." He smiled reassuringly, but Della just narrowed her eyes and shook her head.
Javin changed the subject. "I should pay you for everything you've done for me. Food and clothes and all your time. But how do I do that, Della?"
She snorted at him. "Pay? What with? You have nothing, do you?" Here she grinned. "Except one thing. Well, maybe two. First, you told me many new stories and brought Harmony into here. Secondly, I did some real healing." Her face softened a little as she regarded him. "I think we've traded well. You have given me much, and I think I have given in return. Now, if you really think you are capable of going anywhere; I could still change my mind about that," she teased gently.
Saying goodbye was harder than he thought it would be. Della was clearly still worried that he would fall over and die somewhere where he wouldn't be found, despite Harmony's attentions. She handed him the satchel and a tightly bound blanket roll, the cord of which he looped over his shoulder opposite to the satchel to balance it. She said, "I can't help feeling I'm being irresponsible, letting you go off like this. What if-- ?"
He cut her off. "You're not responsible, Della. I am. If I cannot pay you, then I cannot, will not, forget how you have helped me. But it is time I moved on. I have to find her and, if you are right, then Harmony will help and, maybe, there's something else She has in mind for me. For me and Meldren. Or maybe, She's just playing with us. Either way, I can go back to Meldren now, knowing who I am, knowing my history, and not being ashamed of it." He touched her cheek briefly. She let him. "You gave me my memories back. That's something I cannot repay. Thank you."
He adjusted the set of the blanket. "And, thank you for this! Despite what you say, I do not think I can ever repay you," he repeated. She gave a wan smile and waved him away.
As he walked away, she called out, "Hey! That's the wrong way, you idiot!"
He turned, a broad smile on his face. "I haven't lost my memory again. There's something I want to do first."
He walked up to the hut he and Banith and Torrint had come to from Blackeye. During his recovery, he had recalled how Lisick, back at Landing, had said that one day he would hear Harmony. He doubted that she meant it in the way he had experienced it, but he wanted to let her know her prediction had come true.
Arriving there, he found the same boy as earlier, wrapped up against the cold. His early memories might have returned, but, for the life of him, he couldn't recall this boy's name. "Erm... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name?"
"Lannis. You're the one who fell over, aren't you?" The boy looked chilled.