by Nikki Young
I mull it over too long and Cari interjects. Grabbing Adam’s phone from his hand she begins to add my number. I know everything about this situation is wrong, but I do nothing to stop her. He looks down at what Cari has just entered and beams.
“It was nice to meet you, Leah Anderson. I hope the next time I see you I get to hear that laugh again.” He leans down, places a quick kiss on my cheek and my whole body reacts. I can feel my face heat up; my muscles tighten as my heart races. I suddenly become ridiculously inarticulate. My words get stuck in my throat and all I can do is nod in agreement. He must think I’m a moron. I’ve completely lost my shit in front of this totally hot guy, but if I’m being honest here, it doesn’t matter. I’m engaged to another man. Cari has the same response when I give her a pissed off look.
“He won’t call,” she says. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Thanks, Care. Glad you have so much faith in my ability to pick up men.”
“Don’t get offended. You know what I mean,” she says rolling her eyes.
She’s right. He won’t call. This is the nature of being over thirty and in a bar. All the good ones are taken, which is why I should be grateful for Ellis and his normalcy.
I take the last drink of my beer and bid Cari and Jimmy farewell by kissing both on the cheek. As I’m leaving the bar my phone vibrates, digging through my bag a smile crosses my lips. Maybe Ellis cares more than I think. Maybe I’m not just there to look good on his arm at benefits and work functions. But when I pull out my phone, the waiting text is a screen shot of what looks like a contact in someone’s iPhone. It says Leah Anderson <3 Adam. I then realize it’s what Cari put into Adam’s phone. The message from Adam reads, So, I guess if you’ve fallen in love, I should probably ask you to marry me. But I’ll start with asking you on a date. What do you say? My first reaction is to storm back into the bar and rip Cari a new asshole for shoving her nose where it doesn’t belong. She’s always pushing me to get rid of Ellis and this incident is beyond extreme, even for her. Just as I feel myself growing angrier with her by the second, my phone vibrates again.
Unknown: I hope you’re giggling because just the thought makes me smile.
My anger dissipates and turns to a near euphoric feeling. I shouldn’t be feeling this at the words of another man. Everything in my body screams this is wrong, but then I remember Ellis and his pompous attitude toward my most recent behavior. Now, I don’t care.
Me: Let me think about it. J
I don’t view this text as leading him on, but I know that’s exactly what I’m doing. I have no intention of going on a date with him, let alone seeing him again at all. I’m enjoying being pursued and I’m not ready to give up on the feeling it gives me. At least not right now. I smile deeply and by now I have forgotten that I wanted to ring Cari’s neck.
Adam: Ok, but just know I don’t give up easily.
I shake my head at his most recent text, but my smile grows even wider. With Ellis, it was different. Simple and basic; no attempts to pursue me or make me feel special, and I did nothing in return, either. At the time I was in need of basic, and Ellis showed me that with rigidity and scheduling came control and normalcy—two things I had never had in my life that I thought I was missing. Before meeting Ellis, I had a string of bad boyfriends; I drank too much, stayed out too late and overslept on a regular basis. It wasn’t like I was a terrible person or anything; I just felt that it was high time I grew up. Ellis had long since grown up and I looked at him as a model to follow. Falling in love with him was something I never planned. I never lusted after him as I did guys I dated in the past. He was, and still is, a “to the point kind of person”, which is how we met, how I ended up living with him, and exactly how we ended up engaged.
He asked me out on a date after meeting me in my company’s skybox at a Blackhawks game. The first sign that things were probably not off to a good start was the fact that I had dubbed that day “a booze free day”. I had spent the better part of the week either drunk or with a hangover. Cari on the other hand, drank enough for both of us that night. Also, trying to impress him, I claimed to love hockey, a sport I despise with everything in me. When he asked me out, there was no flirtatious demeanor, no playful banter; just straight and to the point. I agreed even though Cari had been giving me the stink eye from across the room. When I finally peeled Cari off the guy she had draped herself around, she told me I was making a mistake. The only coherent argument she could form at the time was that Ellis had been wearing pleated pants. She yacked out my car window thirty seconds later.
All of those memories flooding back cause me to second-guess everything I have known for the last two and a half years. I did leave my old life behind after I met Ellis. My “booze free days” became the norm. I spent less time with Cari and more time attending work related functions with Ellis and all his jerky financial planner friends. Suddenly I miss my old life. The one I was in charge of, not the one I created to keep Ellis. And in this moment of clarity or stupidity, I can’t decide, I text Adam back.
Me: Given it some thought. Coffee Sunday morning? There’s an Argo Tea on Armitage. Don’t call it a date…
My heartbeat quickens and my body reacts to just the simple sound of my phone vibrating. His reply is instantaneous and I giggle once again at his persistence and interest. The ridiculous grin on my face seems to be becoming permanent the more contact I have with him.
Adam: Call it whatever you want as long as I get to spend it with you. 8:00 work?
Me: Yep. See you then.
Adam: Good night beautiful girl.
What the fuck did I just get myself into?
Chapter Two
I quietly enter the condo, but my smile remains plastered across my face. I slip my shoes off by the front door and pad silently toward the kitchen. I stop dead and feel the vomit rise up in my throat. There in the middle of the island in our overly perfect gourmet kitchen is a vase filled with at least two-dozen white calla lilies. The guilt is unreal. It feels as if I cheated on Ellis, like I had sex with Adam as opposed to just agreeing to coffee. I begin to replay our conversation at the bar, then moving to the text messages as the guilt pools heavy in my stomach. I feel the need to confess everything to Ellis, even though I’m not exactly sure what there is to confess. Nothing has actually materialized. I tear open the small card that’s propped against the vase.
I’m over it.
-Ellis
The guilt lessens, but the anger returns. I’m over it? Surely that’s not an apology, not like I ever expect one.
I storm into the bedroom and toss the card at Ellis who is completely oblivious to me being in the room, forget the fact that I’m furious. He glances up at me and returns to his computer, which is propped on his lap.
“Is this your idea of an apology?” I demand more than ask.
“No. I’m not the one who screwed up. I have nothing to apologize for and from what I recall it was you whining on my voicemail.”
I snatch my pillow from the bed and storm out of the room. I’m being childish, but I can’t even look at him. And like always my reaction brings nothing from Ellis.
I climb into the bed in our extra bedroom and begin to cry. I’m overwhelmed by everything, my fight with Ellis, getting hit on, agreeing to coffee with Adam, the stupid card and the damn flowers. It’s all too much.
Seconds later I hear Ellis’ bare feet trudge across the wood floor and into the bedroom. He looks annoyed. He runs his hand through his hair and releases a deep sigh.
“Leah, I don’t know what this is about. It’s over. I’m not mad anymore, so just come to bed.”
“Ellis, you’re clueless and that’s just it. You don’t even know why I’m angry. I’m tired of being treated like a child. You’re not my father, so stop chastising me for everything. Would it kill you to admit you’re wrong? We’re supposed to be equal, but it’s never like that.” By now I’m sobbing. I pray that he redeems himself. I want him to pull me into his arms, kiss m
e and apologize, but he doesn’t. Instead he drives me even farther away.
“So you think I act like your father? How would you even know what that’s like? You don’t have a father.”
I glare at him and the tears cease immediately. “How dare you,” I growl through clenched teeth. “You know nothing about that part of my life, so how dare you throw it back in my face. If you think this is how a relationship, let alone a marriage works, then we’re over.”
And just like I expect, he turns and walks out the door without another word.
Ellis knows my father is dead. It’s something I rarely discuss with anyone. It’s been twenty-two years and the emotions are still too raw. My family has been in disarray since that day, none of us able to cope, so we act as if it didn’t happen. When I first met Ellis and he found out my father had passed away, he didn’t push for the backstory. At the time I found it refreshing, almost liberating to finally have that disconnect from my father’s death. But as time went by and Ellis never asked what occurred, I began to feel a lack of empathy. And something about it hurt.
I pull my phone from the nightstand and text Cari.
Me: I think Ellis and I just broke up. I swallow hard and hit send. It only takes seconds for Cari to respond.
Cari: Woot!
Cari: Sorry...that was rude. You ok?
Me: Idk. Talk tomorrow?
Cari: Calling you now. Don’t stress.
My phone vibrates and before I can say hello, I’m crying again.
“What happened? Is it because of that guy at the bar? You know I’m not BFF’s with Ellis, but that guy is nothing.”
“It’s not exactly the guy at the bar. That didn’t help. It’s more about the fact that Ellis doesn’t care enough. He’s too aloof.”
“Don’t make any rash decisions. Sleep on it and we’ll talk at work tomorrow.”
I haven’t admitted I set up a date with Adam because by saying it out loud, it makes it real and if I’m being honest, it makes me a jerk and possibly a cheat. Depending on what your definition of a cheater is. I’ve kept it a secret from Ellis, and as of right now I’m still debating if I should tell Adam I’m engaged. I’m telling myself that having coffee with Adam is a one shot deal. But when I picture his face, I smile and I know I’m lying.
We hang up and I fall asleep quickly.
The next morning I leave without speaking to Ellis. He’s still sleeping. It’s a Friday, so he’ll work from home, just like every Friday for the last two and a half years. Nothing changes.
Work goes by in a blink. Cari, Jimmy and I are so busy putting together a sales pitch for a huge beer distributor out of Germany that we don’t even mention my breakup with Ellis. Far too many Skype sessions and conference calls. The day ends and I agree to meet Cari for lunch on Saturday to talk about where I go from here. The condo belongs to Ellis, so I’ll definitely need a place to live. As we’re leaving for the night, Cari offers her extra bedroom and I just might need to take her up on it.
When I walk in the house is silent. Ellis isn’t around, which isn’t entirely unusual. He tends to spend his Friday nights playing poker or visiting with his parents. The white calla lilies are already beginning to droop, which I take as a sign. As beautiful as they are, they symbolize the end. I dump the water and stuff the flowers into the garbage can. As I snap the stem on one of the flowers my phone chimes.
“Ironic,” I mutter to myself assuming it’s Ellis, but when I look at the screen, it’s Adam’s number. An involuntary smile pulls at my lips. His number isn’t programmed into my phone because I rationalize that if I do, somehow it makes my behavior even more inappropriate.
Adam: Still on for Sunday?
I don’t answer and I don’t know why. I almost feel like I should cancel out of respect for my relationship with Ellis. Shouldn’t there be some type of mourning period where I cry and eat ice cream?
When I replay the argument from last night in my head, I realize that maybe we didn’t actually breakup. There was nothing final about it. I recall saying that we should be done if he can’t stop treating me like a child and his response to that was nothing. In my eyes it’s the start of a breakup, tonight will bring the finality of it all. Things won’t change and I know that. I convince myself that ending it is for the best. I have little in common with Ellis and although he’s gorgeous, I know it won’t sustain a relationship. I was drawn to Ellis’ good looks back when we first met; he’s the kind of handsome that comes from good breeding and money. He carries himself well and has an air about him that screams importance. I’ve never really fit in.
The door to the condo closes, jarring me from my thoughts. Ellis appears in the kitchen seconds later. A smile on his face as he reaches for me, pulling me into his arms, his body presses against mine and his lips slam into me. He kisses me passionately. The whole encounter takes my breath away, but in a way that’s more of a shock than a wonderful surprise. When he pulls away, I expect to feel lightheaded or breathy, aroused even, but I feel nothing. Without saying a word his arms drop from my waist and he walks out of the room. Over his shoulder he calls to me, “Don’t forget we have that garden party brunch at my parents’ tomorrow.”
Obviously I’m the only one who thinks we broke up. I cover my face with my hands, unsure of how to handle the situation because confrontation isn’t really my thing. But I feel I need a break from all of this. How can I explain to Ellis that after two years together and a six-month engagement, I’m unsure of our future? Why did I say yes when he asked me to marry him?
I want to remember that moment, the day he asked, but for some reason it’s all a blur. It happened at his parents’ house; some ridiculous fundraiser for a hospital or a nonprofit was in full swing. I was on my fourth glass of wine, which I know for a fact irked Ellis because he removed the glass from my hand and set it on the tray of a waiter passing by. He leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t get drunk tonight, Leah.” It came across more as a demand than a request. It pissed me off and as soon as he left my side, I snagged a scotch and soda from the bar. Seconds later Ellis appeared on the stage and began to speak. My ears began to ring and I rolled my eyes at the laughs he drew from the crowd. I remember thinking he was a pretentious ass for thinking that the entire party wanted to hear his thoughts. Then I heard my name and I froze. “Leah Marie Anderson, will you marry me?” My mouth dropped open and I paused too long. Ellis chuckled and made some comment about me hating to be the center of attention. He was in front of me only seconds later, he repeated the question again and with the eyes of the wealthy and the privileged staring at me, all I could do was nod my head.
“I definitely need a break,” I mumble to myself as I make my way to the bedroom. I have no idea how I’m going to explain this to him. It all seems so selfish, but in actuality is it? Is it selfish of me to want some time away before I make a life changing decision and marry Ellis? My life has changed so dramatically since I met him and there are times I miss the old me. The one who laughed like crazy, had fun with Cari whether we were drunk or sober, the one who didn’t care what people thought of her. Now I’m constantly wondering if I’m going to set Ellis off with my behavior, the kind of behavior that I now realize will always remain in me somewhere just waiting to come out. I want him to accept me the way I am, not for the way he thinks I should be. I’m a giggler, a laugher, a lover and good time girl, but Ellis doesn’t see those as redeeming qualities and it crushes my spirit. I need to find myself again.
I slip my ring off as I enter the bedroom. Ellis has changed out of his work clothes and is wearing a pair of khakis and a polo shirt. He looks like an ad for Ralph Lauren. I, on the other hand, look like an ad for Prozac. My hair is disheveled and piled on the top of my head in a messy bun. I’m wearing yoga pants and an old t-shirt. We couldn’t be more opposite.
It takes everything in me to begin this conversation. My cheeks puff out as I release a long slow breath. My stomach begins to flutter and the room feels like a sauna; sweat
builds and I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
“Um, Ellis?” As the words leave my mouth a giggle follows, something he hates and I shake my head. Fuck me! Why do I laugh when I’m nervous? The one time I need to keep it together and I still can’t. When he doesn’t acknowledge me, I continue. “I think, um, I think I need a break.”
Without turning around he responds, “A break from what? Your job? Agreed. It’s a total waste of time.”
His comment infuriates me and my anger is back with vengeance. “No, Ellis. A break from this.” I point in his direction and when he finally makes eye contact with me, I can see he’s still lost. He furrows his brow but says nothing. “I don’t want to get married.”
“Ever?” he asks. I expect his tone to be less intense more guarded or even hurt, but it’s not.
“I don’t know,” I tell him and that’s the honest truth. I don’t know if I want to marry him. I’m conflicted, torn between two lives. The one I created with Ellis and the one I miss. It’s hard to know if what I remember about my old life isn’t just a romanticized version of what really happened. I was happier back then, not that I’m unhappy now, I’m just…even.
“Leah, is this a joke? If it is, it’s not funny. You know how I don’t enjoy sarcasm and bad jokes.”
“Trust me, I know and no, it’s not a joke. I’m dead serious.” I hand him my ring and as I drop it in the palm of his hand, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
“So, this is it? We’re done?” He sounds more confused than hurt by this interaction and knowing Ellis; he’s floored that someone wouldn’t choose him.
“I’m not saying I don’t ever want to marry you. I just need some time to think about what I want out of my life because right now, it’s not this.” My hand flits around the massive bedroom with the ornate chandelier and expensive sheets. “I don’t want to have my behavior questioned at every turn, I don’t want to have to subside my laughing because you don’t like it and I don’t want to stop seeing Cari, which I think is going to happen if we get married. We both need to fix things. Not just me, Ellis.”