My Winter

by Nikki Young

  “And you said I didn’t make you nervous?” he says still laughing.

  I smile and pull my hand away from his for the first time since we’ve sat down at the table. Tucking my hair behind my ears, I giggle. “I don’t think nervous is the right word. Flustered? Frustrated? I don’t know.”

  Luckily our waiter saves me as he sets our drinks on the table. I grab for my martini before the waiter even has a chance to leave. I down it in two large gulps, then reach for my glass of water.

  Adam laughs again. “Slow down, it’s not a shot of Jack,” he says chuckling. I suck the olives off the toothpick and I see Adam’s pupils dilate as I feel the sexual tension rise once again. “You keep drinking like that I’m gonna have to carry you outta here.”

  He has no idea the image that my mind conjures up when I think of him carrying me. I picture myself slung over Adam’s shoulder, his hand slapping my ass, as he carries me off to do things that are only appropriate in my mind. Goddamn it’s been a long time since I’ve had good sex.

  I chug from my water glass as if that’s going to put out the fire that’s roaring in my panties. I almost feel like I need to check if there’s a lighter on my chair.

  I push back from the table. “Will you excuse me for a minute?” I ask. “I need to use the bathroom.” Adam nods, but even that turns me on. I scramble to the bathroom and yank my phone from my purse. Cari picks up on the fourth ring and I practically throw the phone I’m so excited.

  “Jesus fucking Christ! Took you long enough,” I whisper-shout from the stall I’m now sequestered in.

  “Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain,” she responds, giggling.

  “Shut up, I’m serious. Listen to me. I’m on a date with Adam and I think I wanna have sex with him.”

  “What? No! It’s your first date. Don’t you dare!” she screams at me. “Don’t you fucking dare! Leah, show some restraint.”

  “This is why I’m calling you. Oh my God, Cari! He’s so fucking hot and fuck me.” I breathe out hard.

  “No! No, no, no! Go back out there. Pull yourself together and wait for the second date. Because that’s what classy girls do. They have sex on the second date. Never the first.”

  “All right,” I say and the tension I’m feeling eases. “Thanks, Care.”

  “No problem,” she says. “Have fun...but not too much fun.” Before I can hang up Cari shouts, “Wait!”

  “Yeah?” I question.

  “You’re still on a date with Adam? Wasn’t that this morning?”

  “It was, but then he asked me to have dessert with him after I had dinner at my mom’s.”

  “Well shit. You know that means, right?” Cari says and it hits me a second later.

  “I’m totally on my second date right now?” I question with a puzzled tone to my voice. I’m not sure what the etiquette is on two dates in one day. “So, does this count as a second date or is it just an extension of the first? There was a pretty significant break between the one this morning and the one I’m on right now.” I look down at my shoes and shake my head. I’m in a bathroom stall trying to rationalize whether I’m on an extended first date or a regular old second date. This is ridiculous.

  “I don’t know,” Cari says, almost sounding shocked by the fact that she doesn’t know. “I’d call it a second date if you want him to think you’re easy. If not, keep your damn pants on and tell yourself it’s only a first date. Check back with me later. I’m gonna need an update.”

  “Okay. Gotta go. I’ll keep you posted.”

  I slip my phone back into my purse, stepping out of the stall to wash my hands. I’m wasting time because I can’t stop thinking about Adam and what his body looks like under that shirt and his voice that makes me want to get on my knees and beg him to take me home. I need to pull myself together or else I’m going to look like a damn fool. Who am I kidding? I am a fool.

  I can see Adam sitting at the table as I leave the bathroom. He’s looking out the window, taking in the people shuffling past. The sun is just below the horizon and the city is basked in a summer haze of warmth and moonlight. It reflects off the window in a way that somehow makes Adam appear almost ethereal, like he isn’t real. He’s beautiful in the simplest way. And when I see him sitting there, quiet and serene with a loose smile on his lips, I realize, he has no idea the power he has over me.

  It’s been said time and time again that you know when it’s right. There’s that connection, that force that pulls you to the person. There is something about Adam that I’m drawn to in a way that I can’t explain.

  He turns from the window looking through the crowd. His eyes seeking something and when he finds what he’s seeking, a light blooms within him. His smile grows larger, his eyes shine and I realize he’s looking at me. In that moment, I stop breathing.

  Chapter Seven

  I’m finally able to regain my composure and allow my thoughts to return to a rational state. I know this is moving fast and as much as I enjoy flirting with Adam, it’s going to spiral into something more far too quickly. I decide, even though he is ridiculously tempting, to follow Cari’s advice and keep my pants on…at least for tonight.

  “Better?” Adam asks with a smirk on his face.

  “Yes,” I shoot back with a small smile. “So, you want to hear about what I really do at my job, instead of the version that some moron gave you?”

  “Sure, but she’s not a moron. I happen to think she’s pretty damn cute.”

  As soon as the words leave his mouth, my cheeks grow warm. I’m blushing at his adorable comment. I swallow hard and try to contain this dizzy feeling of excitement and nervousness that flutters in me every time he utters out a compliment.

  I fill him in on my job and how I work with my best friend. Telling him how every once in a while Jimmy joins us when we have large projects or are dealing with high-end companies. A few months ago we put out an ad for a Chicago-based company that blew up pretty quickly. Adam says he remembers that ad and comments on the tagline that took Cari and I many days and late nights to create. He laughs when I tell him it finally came to be after a few shots of tequila and one Cuban cigar Cari found in her underwear drawer.

  “So Adam, tell me about your job,” I say, a touch of sarcasm to my tone. “Hopefully I don’t make you as nervous as you make me.”

  “I thought I didn’t make you nervous?” he questions with a smile on his face that screams he’s thrilled he makes me nervous.

  “Guess I need to admit it now. You totally make me nervous, Adam.” I smile and he returns it. “But I kinda like it.” I wink at him.

  “I like it too. There are a lot of things I like about you. But my favorite thing,” he says pausing slightly, “is the way your bottom lip swells after you bite it.” He winks at me and again the sexual tension returns.

  We can’t keep this up or I will end up sleeping with him on our second-fake first date. As much as I’m dying to know what it would feel like to run my hands across his bare chest, feel the warmth from his body, feel his lips on my neck; I know better.

  Quickly changing the subject, I ask, “You did some graphic design work for the owner, huh?”

  “Yeah, I own a graphic design company. I started it with a buddy of mine after we finished grad school.”

  Adam tells me all about how his father wanted him to take over his insurance business when he graduated, but Adam always had bigger plans. He moved to Chicago and took freelance jobs just to make ends meet until his business was up and running. I love the way his eyes light up when he talks about his job. It’s rare to find someone who enjoys their job, but judging by the look on Adam’s face, he truly does. He jokes about the panic attack his mother had about him leaving. “She’d tell me, ‘Oh, Adam, you’ll never meet a nice Jewish girl if you leave New York.’ She was more concerned with me marrying than she was with me being successful.”

  “Well, did you meet a nice Jewish girl?” I ask wondering about his wife and also wondering what he’s doing wit
h me. I recall our first conversation in the bar the night we met. He asked me if I was Jewish and I can’t help but think that I wouldn’t fit the criteria his mother has conjured up in her head.

  “Sorta,” he says. “My ex is Jewish, but that turned out bad, so I’ve sworn off finding one.”

  Before we can continue the conversation our waiter drops the desserts at the table. I nearly moan out loud when I look at what has just been placed in front of us. When I look up from the table, Adam’s eyes are on me, watching as I take a spoonful of the chocolate mousse. Pulling the spoon from my mouth, I literally moan out loud this time and Adam’s eyes widen.

  “Good?” he asks.

  “Orgasmic,” I answer back. “I love food.”

  “That’s good to know. I was wondering how I was going to get you on a second date with me.”

  Note to self: This is still considered a first date. Keep your pants on. But I also want to tell Adam that all it would take for him to get a second date is to make me laugh. Right now he could do just about anything and I’d agree to go out with him again.

  We finish the desserts and head out the door. Adam wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side. I lean against him as he presses a kiss on the top of my head. He gives me butterflies. My heartbeat speeds up, my breathing quickens and my stomach feels like it has just flipped over. I want to stay like this with him forever. I want to hold on to this feeling, wake up next to him every morning and go to sleep with the warmth of his body pressed against mine every night. Adam makes me want things I have no business wanting from someone, let alone someone I just met. But there’s a need that drives me to be close to him, to touch him, to make him mine.

  Adam passes the valet and keeps walking. When I look up at him, he smiles. He says nothing, but I continue to press my body against his and follow him without question. If my brothers knew I was walking down a dark street with someone I hardly know, they’d kill me with their bare hands. The thought makes me laugh causing Adam to stop walking.

  “What’s so funny?” he asks, looking down at me and even with the dim glow of the streetlights and the moon reflecting off the lake, he’s beautiful. The way he looks at me stops me and I almost gasp. I swallow hard because once again he’s making it difficult for me to form a sentence. Before I can utter out some embarrassing nonsense, he backs me up against the building and my heart begins beating so hard that I’m pretty certain it’s about to rip through my chest. Adam places his hands on either side of my face, leaning in close; I close my eyes because there is no way this is really happening to me. I feel his warm breath against my ear and then his lips brush my neck as chills cover my entire body. Trying to gain control, I take a deep breath.

  “Adam? What are you doing?” I whisper, my voice breathy and hoarse.

  His lips are nearly touching my ear when he whispers, “Don’t ruin it, Leah.” As I’m about to speak, he runs his thumb along my bottom lip silencing me. I take another deep breath because I know it might be my last; I think I’m going to die right here. Just the feeling of his finger on my lip makes my whole body cry in protest. I want more, I want his mouth on mine, his lips pressing against me, his tongue exploring me. And as if he can hear my thoughts, his lips find mine.

  He’s not eager or needy; it’s slow and gentle. I feel the warmth of his body when he leans into me. My body responds instantly to the feel of his lips against mine in a way I never thought was possible. I’m trembling despite the evening heat and my knees grow weak, thankful for the fact that I’m pinned between Adam and a brick wall. My fingers begin to tingle, I ache to touch him, to pull him closer, I want him to feel my vulnerability and know that he’s the reason everything inside me is screaming. My fingers curl around the bottom of his shirt as I pull him closer and when the tip of his tongue traces my bottom lip, I exhale hard. My lips part to let him know I want more—I need more.

  Just as I’m growing used to having the pressure of his body weight against me, Adam pulls away. He leaves me breathless and bereft in a way that’s totally foreign to me. Closing my eyes, I savor the feeling, hoping that it lasts forever. My hands slide up his chest, pausing when I reach the point where I can feel his quickening heartbeat against my fingers. I lift my gaze to meet his, wetting my lips with my tongue because suddenly I feel like my mouth is filled with cotton. There’s not a chance I can speak after his beautiful eyes lock with mine. His face is flushed and his eye contact is steady as I watch his pupils grow large.

  Grabbing his shirt, I pull him against me, my mouth slamming into his. Bruising his lips with the force of mine because I can no longer hold back. The kiss is hard and forceful, my body betraying me once again. I have lost all control. Adam responds instantly closing the tiny space between us by pressing his chest so hard against me that I can’t suck in a full breath, his knee sliding between my thighs, his hand gripping the back of my neck. My chest is heaving, my heartbeat so fast and violent that I can feel it in my throat, reverberating through my ears. My hands slide flat against Adam’s chest as my tongue slips into his mouth. He tastes of scotch and chocolate and mixed with the way he smells, I lose myself in him. I forget anyone who came before him because I’ve never wanted someone with such wild, unrestrained need before.

  I moan into his mouth as his tongue slides against mine and his hips press against me. I have no control over my body or its reaction when Adam is this close to me.

  Breaking the kiss, Adam runs his lips along my jaw, stopping to place a kiss just below my ear. My body is lax, almost weak and when his lips brush my ear, I nearly collapse. The feeling of his warm, labored breathing sends chills down my spine causing goose bumps to rise on my skin. Adam’s hushed voice in my ear makes me press my hips into his, feeling him—all of him.

  “Fuck, Leah,” he whispers. “I want you so bad right now.” Hearing the desire in his voice has everything in me taking notice. I squirm against him, wanting more, needing him to respond. I’ve never wanted someone the way I want Adam right now. “But I’m a gentleman, so I’m going to stop this before it goes any further.”

  My mouth falls open and Adam laughs when his eyes meet mine. Placing his hands on either side of my face, he can sense my disappointment; his thumbs run softly down my cheeks, calming me immediately.

  “Leah,” he says and just the sound of my name on his lips makes me want to force myself against him, press my lips to his and assault him with my mouth. “You’re beautiful and sexy as hell and trust me when I say I want you...bad.” He lowers his voice and leans in close to my ear, in a hushed voice, he whispers, “I’d fuck you right here on the street, but you’re better than that.”

  Without thinking I respond, “No I’m not.” To say I’m shocked by my own response is an understatement. What the hell has gotten into me?

  Adam laughs again causing me to smile at his reaction.

  “You never cease to amaze me, you know that, right?” I shake my head back and forth slowly, my smile remaining. “So judging by your response, I’m guessing I’m going to get that second date?” he says questioning me slightly.

  “Yep,” I respond. “How about I drop you off, drive around the block once and come back and pick you up? Instant second date.”

  “It’d still be a first date,” he says winking at me. He steps back and reaches for my hand, leading me back toward the car.

  The ride back to Adam’s apartment is quiet, but it’s not awkward. I try to stay quiet, willing myself to not say something stupid and also to control the desperation that’s crept up on me. I have never been so desperate, so reckless with my feelings, my emotions, and my heart.

  Pulling up in front of the apartment, Adam turns to me and I swallow hard. For some reason I feel like I might cry. I can’t be falling for someone I just met. It’s not right, but somehow it feels exactly right. This is what it should feel like when you meet someone you’re meant to be with possibly forever. It scares the shit out of me. He places his finger under my chin, tipping my face
up, he softly kisses me and now I know I’m going to cry. I choke back the tears that have made my throat tighten and my eyes damp.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says firmly. “Text me your address because I’m picking you up at seven for dinner.” He kisses my forehead and as soon as the car door closes, I’m crying.

  Chapter Eight

  I drive around trying to sort out my emotions. I’m overwhelmed by what I feel for Adam and I know as soon as I walk in, Cari is going to bombard me with questions. She’s going to want answers to things I haven’t even begun to understand.

  Something inside me knows what I feel for Adam is different. Admitting it out loud is another story. I never wanted to become my parents. I don’t want to love so desperately and lose myself in someone else so completely, yet I feel like I’m bordering that fine line right now. I never saw this coming. A boy in a bar blindsided me. One minute I’m having a drink with my friends and the next minute I’m falling for someone I hardly know. The thought terrifies me so much it makes it hard to breathe. I’ve never once allowed myself to be so consumed by someone the way I have with Adam. This can’t be real because I’m not that girl. I’m not the girl who throws herself into a relationship, the one who loves hard, gives her heart away on a whim. I guard all of that, but I can feel it slipping away and it scares the hell out of me.

  The house is silent when I finally make my way there. Cari is on the couch reading and when she turns to me, her eyes are puffy and red.

  “Jimmy leave?” I ask taking a seat next to her on the couch. She flops her arm onto my lap and without thinking I run my fingers up and down her arm.

  Cari laughs a little and in a quiet voice she says, “Pet my arm.” I don’t even know how it started, but it’s been something that has stuck with us for ten years.

  She sighs hard and looks at me, taking in my red-rimmed eyes that match hers. “You’ve been crying.”