by Nikki Young
“I’m right here.”
I run my hands over every inch of his skin as he kisses me deeply, his hands cupping my face. The room is quiet; the only sound filling the space is our labored breathing. He moves above me soundlessly and I raise my hips to meet him; it’s effortless.
“I love you so much,” he whispers against my mouth and the first tear rolls down my cheek.
“I love you,” I tell him back because I can’t say it enough.
Adam’s thumb catches the tear and he wipes it away. He slowly kisses my face and with each touch of his lips, my heart grows larger. To feel what it truly means to be loved is an amazing feeling, so deeply satisfying and all consuming, yet I never want it to end. He’s slow and deliberate, taking his time and everything about this moment is absolute perfection. When he whispers my name as we both finish, I know I need Adam like I need the air I breathe.
With the perfection of this moment comes complete clarity. I know I didn’t love Ellis, what I felt for him was kindness, but never love, and in return he didn’t love me either. He didn’t respond to my touch the way Adam does. He never made me feel wanted or needed. I gave so much in that relationship, but found nothing about it satisfying. It was me forever trying to please him and the more he pulled away the harder I tried. I’d curl up against him in bed, aching to be touched, needing some acknowledgment that he wanted me there, but he’d ignore me. He couldn’t share that part of himself with me and that was the one thing I needed. I needed to be loved in return.
I’m laying here, my head resting on Adam’s chest and I sigh in contentment. He responds to everything. The moment my head touched his chest, he slipped his arm under my body, his fingers and hands always finding a way to be connected to me. Without a single word being said, I know how he feels. The way his body responds to mine, the way he can’t take his eyes off me, the way he can’t get enough of me. It says so much; it’s everything I need. He loves me with all that he has and in return I can give him the same, because for once the feeling is mutual.
Adam’s running his fingers up and down my back and when I hear his voice, I close my eyes and place my hand across his stomach.
“Leah,” he whispers. The way he says my name is as if he’s saying it for the first time, like it means more than any other word. The sound of it on his lips brings me peace and comfort like nothing else. He presses a soft kiss on each of my eyelids and whispers, “Roll over.”
I do it, as he says, “Look out the window,” and I find myself staring at the moon just outside of the bedroom. Its brightness cutting through the blackened sky, like a spotlight as tree branches entwine themselves in front of it. The moon in the city is a rarity. The buildings and forever glowing streetlights make it nearly impossible to see.
I take it in, staring wordlessly. Adam settles himself against my back, his arm sliding over my waist. He props himself up on his free hand, his lips come down and meet the top of my head.
“The winter moon,” he whispers. His words cause the hair on my neck to stand on end. My body shudders at the sound of his voice.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper back and I feel him smile against my hair.
“There’s beauty in everything, Leah. Including winter.”
I roll over the next morning to find Adam sleeping peacefully next to me. Something about the evening felt like a dream, like I would wake up in the same miserable place I had been in for the past four weeks. But everything’s different. My life is euphoric again. Happiness radiates from me and a permanent smile is plastered on my face.
There’s an acceleration of intimacy that comes with making up. Almost as if fate will intervene and take it all away again. You can’t keep your hands off the person, clinging to everything, taking all that is offered and more.
I move against Adam as he groans and pulls me against him. Pressing his face into my hair he mumbles, “Look,” and lifts his hand to point toward the window.
Rolling away from him, I scramble to my knees and out of the bed, my legs tangled in misaligned sheets and scattered blankets. I reach the window, pressing my palms against the pane as the coolness of the glass numbs my fingers. I take in the bright white blanket of snow covering everything. It’s freshly fallen and untainted by the dirt and grime of the city. It’s too early for it to be ruined and for once when I see snow, I see beauty and renewal and serenity. In it I see a love of something that was once deeply hated.
Adam joins me at the window, wrapping his arms around me; he pulls me back against his chest. Just the feeling of his arms around me reminds me how much I need him and how much I need him to know this.
“Adam?” I ask without turning around.
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to know what happened?”
“No, Leah, I don’t. I don’t need to,” he says coolly.
“What if I need to tell you?” I say.
I turn around to face him and his eyes meet mine. He places his lips to my forehead.
“Leah, it doesn’t matter to me. I have you back.”
“I know, but I need you to know it was always you.”
“I already know that,” he says kissing me quickly.
I’ve never encountered someone like Adam. Last night in the restaurant he was jealous. I saw it in his eyes, heard it in his tone, in his words. His body was stiff, his expression pinched and the way he spoke to me was full of bitterness. But this morning everything about him is relaxed. He’s calm and collected, and it’s almost as if my presence and the knowledge that I belong to him again eases the restlessness that consumed him. Maybe he always knew that what he wanted was me, and now that I’ve finally admitted it out loud too, it brings him comfort. The jealously fades and with it all that’s left is the two of us.
He starts putting on his jeans that were in a pile by the door to the bedroom. He stretches his arms above his head and his jeans slide down his hips and hang loosely exposing the top of his boxers and accentuating his toned stomach. I fall onto the bed burying my face in my pillow and start laughing. Rolling over I take him in as he slips a t-shirt over his head, never taking his eyes off me, he pulls on a sweater. A mischievous grin forms on his lips and he winks at me making my heart flutter.
“We can talk later, because right now I need you to get dressed.” He walks over and cracks me on the ass with his hand. “Get moving, sweets or we’ll never leave this room.”
“Why’s that?” I ask as I walk over to him. Taking the bottom of his sweater in my hands I pull him toward me, roughly crashing my lips against his. I find my opportunity to slip my tongue into his mouth when he sucks in a deep breath. His hands find my ass and he lifts me off the ground and I wrap my legs around his waist.
“Are you trying to kill me?” he murmurs against my mouth.
“No, I’m trying to get you to have sex with me again,” I say, but the seduction loses its effect when I start giggling. Adam sets me down on the bed and squats down in front of me. His smile melts my heart and I put my hands on his cheeks, pulling him near for another kiss. “I love you,” I tell him and he smiles even brighter.
“I need you to get dressed. I have some place I need to take you and as much as I want to keep you naked and wanting me, we gotta go.” He smirks and tosses me a pair of panties and a bra from my drawer. “Hurry up,” he says when I don’t start moving.
“Don’t be bossy.”
“You love it. Now seriously, get your ass dressed.”
After far too much demanding from Adam, I finally got dressed and we’re now heading out of the city into the Northern suburbs. It’s still early and the traffic is light. The sun is just starting to rise, creating a beautiful pink and purple haze of clouds in the sky. If winter has always looked like this, I missed out on a lot of its beauty while I was busy trying to forget. I don’t ever want to forget what it feels like to fall in love, to open your heart to one person and find out that they can change your world. I’d live through a million winters if it means I find Adam in th
e end.
I look over at him, his lips softly singing along to the song on the radio. I reach over and rest my hand on his thigh and he smiles. Every gesture, every word, every movement makes me feel loved. He picks up my hand and presses it to his lips.
“Almost there,” he says and his eyes light up when a few snowflakes gather on the windshield. “It’s snowing again.”
“Yeah, it is,” I answer back.
“Couldn’t be more perfect,” he says as he pulls up along side the curb and puts the car in park.
He meets me as I exit the car. Clutching my hand in his, he begins to tug me into what looks like a forest. My feet lose their footing as I slide through the snow on the ground, giggling I try to keep up with him. Snowflakes catch on my eyelashes and cling to my hair as he moves faster.
Adam stops suddenly, turning to face me. I’m looking down at the ground, blinking the melting snow from my eyes and shaking my hair out when he calls my name.
“Leah,” he says and I look up at him. My mitten-covered hand covers my mouth as I take it in; see what he’s brought me here for. I’ve never seen anything like it. Beautiful and snow covered. Untouched.
“What is it?” I ask Adam, his eyes filled with love at my reaction.
“A Star Magnolia. A tree that blooms in the winter.”
White blossoms, bathed in freshly fallen snow grace the branches of the tree and it stands out among the sparse leafless and brown surroundings. It’s like a dream, its beauty undying and untainted by the cold. Somehow it perseveres despite all the challenges, shows its beauty to the world and survives with love from the most unlikely source. Winter.
“I love it. How’d you know it was here?” I ask, as I reach up and gently brush the snow from the petals of one of the blossoms.
“I had a photo shoot out here a few weeks ago for the park district.” He stops talking and meets me by the tree. I slip my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest. When I feel his arms wrap around me, I close my eyes. “It’s yours,” he says.
“What’s mine?” I ask.
“The tree.”
“You bought the tree?” I ask, confused.
“I bought it all. Three acres of unspoiled land in the suburbs.”
I pull away from him. “You did what?” I ask, shocked.
“I found out the land was for sale after the shoot. When I looked at the tree all I saw was you. I had to have it.”
“We weren’t together a few weeks ago.” I stop as I feel the burn of tears sting my eyes. “You bought all of this without ever knowing if we’d be together again?”
“If this was the only connection I had to you, then I was going to take it. I put the bid in that day.” Adam reaches for me and I ease against him, feeling the warmth of his body. “I want to correct everything that is wrong in your world. I want to love you with everything in me. I want to be all you ever need. I never saw the symbolism of this flower until I met you. I was meant to find you, Leah. I’m your winter.”
“Adam,” I cry.
“Shh, let me finish,” he says putting his finger to my lips. “Leah, I love you so much. I’m not perfect. I’m never going to be able to replace what you’ve lost, but I’ll kill myself trying. I’ll love you with all my heart and soul. I’ll give you all of me just to make you happy. I’ll be your best friend, your lover and anything else you need. Just tell me what you need and I’ll do it.”
“You’re all I need,” I say through the tears. “I love you.”
Later that evening when we’re laying in Adam’s bed, the solitude of the dark, only the glow of the streetlight casting a shadow over the room, do I feel comfortable enough to share the story of what happened to cause us both so much grief.
Adam’s hand is tracing lazy circles on my stomach as I stare up at the ceiling.
“I love you, Leah,” he says and it’s like my body becomes weightless. His words, his voice, his fingers, everything about him creates an instant feeling of relaxation.
I feel safe. Safer than I ever have in my life and knowing that he loves me will always be enough for me.
“I love you, too.”
I roll over and lay my head against his chest, my leg wrapped around his as my hand rests on his stomach. I need to be touching him when I tell him. I need to feel him against me. His skin against mine. The sound of his heartbeat, a lulled harmony that reminds me that I once broke his heart, yet somehow he found the strength to forgive me.
I don’t deserve his empathy, his kindness or his forgiveness, but something won’t let him give up. The thought makes me want to be a better person. I want to give him everything he gives to me and more, but it won’t happen. He will always shine brighter than me. He saved me and there will never be enough in this world to give back to him. So I will give all I can, I will give him me and the promise to never lie to him again.
“Adam?”
“Yeah, baby?”
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly, letting go of all my insecurities and knowing in order for closure to find me, I need to tell him everything.
“I’m sorry I lied to you about Ellis. That’s his name. My ex-fiancé. His name is Ellis.” I stop, letting just his name on my lips sink in because hearing it said out loud in Adam’s presence still brings me anxiety. “We were together for two and a half years, but I was never really happy. I don’t think I deserved to be and that’s why I stayed with him.”
I stop again and Adam interjects. “Why do you think you kept it from me?”
I immediately respond with, “I don’t know,” which isn’t entirely true or an appropriate response to his question. Adam’s hand glides down my back and up again causing me to become chilled, a shiver runs through me. “I do know why,” I say quietly. “In the end I did it because I was too happy. I didn’t deserve you or the happiness I found with you. I knew this secret would ruin what I had with you, so I hid it. I was also embarrassed and ashamed that I lied to you for so long.”
I feel myself begin to get choked up. I hold back the tears. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. “It’s almost like I was waiting for the moment when you found out, so that when you left me, I only had myself to blame.”
Adam’s hand grips the back of my neck. I can feel the pads of his fingers press into my skin and that’s when I start to cry. His touch bringing me solace, yet at the same time allowing me to finally feel. “Leah,” he says, and I tip my head up to look at him. His lips meet mine in a kiss that shows nothing but forgiveness. “I want you to be happy, but I want you to always be honest with me.”
I nod my head as he wipes the tears from my cheeks. I smile and shift myself so I’m straddling his hips. I lean down and press my lips to his, needy and demanding, I trace his lips with the tip of my tongue. When I hear his breath hitch, I pull back and rest my forehead against his.
“This is me never lying to you again,” I say and he laughs before pulling me down to meet his mouth once again.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I unpack the last box and fall back onto the bed. I owe Cari a lifetime of thank yous for letting me stay as long as she did. A little over a year. And I will never forget a second of it.
I was there when she went into labor with James, I was there when she brought him home and I was there through six weeks of sleepless nights. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. When she named the baby James, it gave me hope that she will one day forgive Jimmy. Each day that passes, Cari slowly allows Jimmy back into her life just a little more. So far, James has been a lifesaver for both of them. Their common link, the one thing I hope will eventually pull them back together.
Cari cried on the day I moved out. It wasn’t like I was leaving her for good, but to Cari, the suburbs might as well have been in another state.
“Don’t go,” she wailed. I chalked it up to exhaustion and hormones and sore boobs and everything else that comes with being a new mom. But we both knew it was more than that.
I pulled her into my arms hugging her tightly.
“You don’t have to be alone,” I told her before kissing her cheek.
“I know,” she answered with a sniffle.
It broke my heart to leave her, especially when she stood at the door sniffing and wiping away tears.
I stopped just before heading out, and smiled at her.
“He moved here, Cari. Not just for James, but for you too.”
Jimmy has been there for her every second, even more than I could be. The boy is a saint, never pushing, just waiting for the day when she realizes he loves her. Waiting for the day when she stops lying to herself and admits she loves him too.
She smiled back weakly. “I love you, Leah.”
“I love you, too, Cari.”
It took a year to build our house on Adam’s land. Our house meaning Adam’s and mine. The thought still makes me giddy. Each day that we sat down with the architect I wanted to cry and some days I did. I never expected to find Adam, let alone be this happy. We were building a home together with dreams of starting a family, raising children and loving each other more every day.
When it came time to clear the lot, I arrived before the crew and stayed until the job was complete. I had to make sure my magnolia tree was left standing, not a single branch on the tree was to be disturbed. We designed the house so the tree could be seen from the living room, my office and our bedroom. Three acres of land filled with trees and bushes and wild flowers, all could have disappeared. As long as the magnolia remained, my life would be quiet and whole. Every time it blooms, those white blossoms remind me that life goes on and no matter how bad the winter might be, you can find the good in it.
People thought we were crazy for leaving the city. Moving out to the middle of nowhere, building a house on a lot that was meant for at least ten houses, isolated from almost everything. But love itself is isolating in the most beautiful way.
I look around our bedroom and I’m overcome with happiness. But somehow no matter where I am or what is happening, I still have thoughts of Ellis. I wonder if he’s happy, not because I have any guilt about ending our engagement, but because I’m not sure he could ever find what I have with Adam. Breaking Ellis’ heart allowed mine to heal, to find Adam, and to fall in love. I owe Ellis for something I will never thank him for. He taught me that love isn’t just saying it when you leave for work or when you go to bed. There’s so much more to it than that, and with Adam I feel loved when I hear him say it, when he touches me, when he leaves and when he comes home, and in every moment we’re together.