Dear Dumb Diary #11: Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers

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Dear Dumb Diary #11: Okay, So Maybe I Do Have Superpowers Page 5

by Jim Benton


  So, Isabella said that Emmily had given her

  an idea. In the same way that Emmily had questions

  about boys, she figured that other girls at our

  school might have questions about boys. Using

  my new superpowers, I could answer them. For

  a price.

  The problem was going to be that we needed

  to conduct the operation so that nobody knew who

  was answering the questions. We’d need a partner

  to be the face of the operation. To work, this plan

  would require that we first determine who the

  absolute brightest girl in the school was.

  And then make sure that she never talked to

  Emmily, who was going to be our partner.

  We laid it out for her like this: She would go

  around and collect questions, and then she would

  give them to Isabella, who would ask her brothers

  for the answers. That’s what we told Emmily,

  anyway. Really it would be me answering the

  questions. (Isabella’s brothers wouldn’t give her the

  answers anyway. They wouldn’t give her anything

  better than a bruise.)

  Emmily was to charge one dollar per

  question.

  By the end of the day, Emmily had only

  collected three questions, but it was just the first

  day. Here they are, along with the answers my

  superpowers gave me:

  A Girl Asks: Why do boys like to wrestle and fight

  each other all the time?

  My Superpower Answer: For boys, winning

  at fighting is like having the coolest shoes or the

  best-looking nails.

  AGA: Why do boys love video games so much more

  than girls do?

  MSA: In a boy, violence occupies the same place

  that loveliness occupies in a girl. Until they program

  a video game that is operated by loveliness, girls

  won’t like them as much.

  AGA: Jake is probably the strongest boy in our

  class. Pound for pound, do you think there are any

  toothed animals nearby that are stronger?

  MSA:

  My superpowers had nothing for this last one.

  I asked Isabella whose question it was, and she said

  she couldn’t read Emmily’s printing. Guess that’s

  one dollar we aren’t making off my powers.

  Thursday 19

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I know that we need a visual aid for our ant

  report, but I’m beginning to feel guilty about

  keeping these ants bottled up. It’s hard for me to

  even look them in the eye anymore. Their

  kajillion teeny, accusing eyes.

  I saw Hudson at my locker today, looking cute

  in an eighthish sort of way, and he was saying

  something about the Fun Fair but I wasn’t really

  paying attention because my superpowers told me

  it was something like, “Would you ask Angeline if

  she’s going to the fair and if she is would she hang

  out with me unless that would be all weird or derp

  derp derp?”

  Really, Hudson, if you have something to ask

  Angeline, go ask her. Please don’t take up my time

  making me not pay attention to what you’re saying.

  For your information, I have more important things

  to not pay attention to.

  Angeline asked us if we were the ones sending

  Emmily around collecting questions. Since we think

  of Angeline as almost a friend, we told her it was

  true because Emmily already had.

  We told her that Isabella’s brothers were

  giving us the answers. Angeline didn’t believe us

  until Isabella explained that for each answer

  they give her, her brothers are permitted to expel

  one large spit upon her. Angeline recognized

  that arrangement as a likely one, and accepted

  the story.

  Here are a few more of the questions that

  Isabella collected from Emmily today:

  A Girl Asks: Why are you handsome boys always

  jerks?

  My Superpower Answer: We aren’t. You just

  notice it more when we’re handsome because you’re

  so surprised to find that the inside isn’t as nice as

  the outside. It’s like biting into a chocolate and

  discovering a toad inside when you’re expecting a

  delicious cherry. The truth is, anybody can have a

  toad center, or a cherry center. And there are even

  poisonous, exploding toad centers, and cherries

  that are full of more cherries. That’s probably why

  we give girls boxes of assorted chocolates: to

  remind them of this fact without coming out and

  saying it, which is something we don’t feel

  comfortable doing about things.

  AGA: Emmily, who is putting you up to this? Is it

  Isabella? Or Jamie? Stop writing that down. I’m not

  really asking a question.

  MSA: Okay. We know that Angeline asked that

  and I already answered her. (Technically, she owes

  us a buck.)

  AGA: Look, I need to know. Is there anybody

  around stronger than Jake? You don’t know me.

  MSA: I have been getting a lot of questions from

  different girls about Jake, so you should know you

  aren’t the only girl who’s interested in him. I think

  he’s the strongest boy in our school, but I feel that

  you really should consider some other qualities. For

  example, you might like a boy whose neck is not as

  big around as his head.

  Friday 20

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Today I saw Isabella talking to Jake, and she

  offered him a piece of gum. This is pretty

  significant because Isabella has a relationship

  with gum. No matter how hard she gnaws it, the

  gum doesn’t bite her back, and she loves it for that.

  I always thought of gum as a boy that Isabella was

  dating —ten to twenty minutes at a time.

  But not anymore. When I saw Jake take that

  piece of bubble gum, I knew that she had been the

  one asking thosequestions about him.

  Only love would make her share gum. Only

  love would make her clap while he blew a big bubble.

  Only love would make her pop it so hard that she

  poked her finger almost down his throat.

  Okay. Maybe the poking part is difficult to

  interpret. But Isabella is new to this. She’s just

  opening her heart to the possibility of love and

  almost making somebody gag in the hall.

  When she saw me watching, she wiped

  the gum off her finger onto his shirt and walked

  quickly away.

  She’s such a flirt.

  I’ve decided not to question Isabella too

  much about this, for two reasons:

  One, I’m afraid that if I embarrass her, I

  might injure the fragile, delicate part of her heart

  that is exploring love for the first time. Two, she

  might injure the fragile, delicate part of my heart

  that is pumping my blood.

  Saturday 21

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I started bright and early with the bottle-

  toss practice today, which means I spent forty-five

  minutes throwing the balls to Stinkette in the yard

  while Stinker went nut
s trying to get them first.

  Stinker tries hard to get the ball, because he’s

  naturally greedy and demanding by nature,

  but he is also old and tubby by nature, and I kept

  throwing it into Stinkette’s mouth every time.

  Eventually, Stinker tipped over in slow

  motion, like a statue of a much larger, solid

  concrete beagle. Then Angeline jumped over the

  fence and into the yard, because I guess she had

  been watching me for a while.

  “It’s really not nice to spy on people,” I said.

  “It’s really not nice to give your beagle a

  heart attack,” she said back.

  I informed her that he didn’t have a heart

  attack. He just faints like that when he’s mad that

  he’s not getting his way.

  “Look,” I said, sticking my pinkie in Stinker’s

  nostril. Instantly, he was up and on his feet and

  sneezing all over the place. “I think it’s his reset

  button, I don’t know. Anyway, it stops him from

  faking. Try it on your dog or grandma if you think

  they’re faking.”

  Angeline said she had come over to help me

  practice for the bottle toss. I couldn’t ask Isabella,

  and Emmily wasn’t much help —every time I missed,

  I had to spend, like, ten minutes cheering her up.

  So I accepted Angeline’s offer, even though I

  still believe there was some spying going on.

  I didn’t manage to knock over any bottles,

  but I did get very close one time — although at the

  actual fair, I doubt that Angeline will let me bounce

  it off her that way.

  Angeline asked me about Hudson, and if I

  knew who he wanted to meet up with. I said of

  course I knew. (Duh. He makes it pretty clear.

  I guess she was just checking to see if it bothered

  me that my probable future husband was in love

  with her.)

  She was surprised when I told her that

  Isabella is deeply in love with Jake, so it would be

  nice if she wouldn’t be attractive around him until

  he falls in love with Isabella and then she can do her

  blond thing again.

  It may sound like there is still a small amount

  of envy there, but like I said before, I really don’t

  hate Angeline anymore. We’re practically

  friends, although I can’t imagine it would kill her

  to slouch around Hudson and have bad breath.

  It’s something I would do for a friend.

  Sunday 22

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Emmily called today and said that she had

  more questions, but they were all from her dad, who

  asked them just to be nice so we could make a few

  dollars. I told her that I guessed that would be okay

  and she read me his questions:

  Emmily’s Dad, Pretending to Be a Girl,

  Asks: Why is Emmily so sweet?

  My Superpower Answer: Uh. I don’t know, Mr.

  Emmily’s Dad. She just is.

  ED, PTBAG, A: Isn’t Emmily so very pretty?

  MSA: Very pretty. We all like Emmily, but these

  aren’t real questions.

  ED, PTBAG, A: Emmily is like a princess. Don’t

  you agree?

  MSA: Tell Emmily to give you your three bucks back.

  I’m starting to think that I’m not going to be

  able to use my superpowers to make money. This is

  probably why superheroes all have normal

  identities, so they can actually make a living.

  Monday 23

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Of all the people in the world, it was

  Isabella that talked Emmily into asking Jake to

  meet her at the fair.

  It went something like this: Isabella walked

  up to Jake and told him that Emmily thought it

  would be really cool if they hung out at the fair, and

  since Emmily’s dad was working the concession

  booth, he’d give Jake all the popcorn he wanted.

  Emmily was very surprised to hear that her

  dad was working the concession booth since he was

  going to be out of town that whole week, and

  Isabella explained that it was a surprise so she

  shouldn’t ask him or anybody in authority about it.

  A lie, of course, and a pretty beautiful one

  considering that Isabella has been in love with Jake

  for weeks. It is beyond me why she would —OH.

  MY.GOSH.IN.CAPITAL.LETTERS.

  Again, Isabella just amazes me. Isabella, in

  spite of her feelings for Jake, is stepping aside and

  bringing him and Emmily together, because she

  knows that it is their destiny.

  I wish I could tell her what a beautiful,

  sensitive, loving soul she has, but I’m certain it

  would get me punched in the neck.

  Tuesday 24

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  Lots of the ants have died, and I decided to

  leave the jar open outside and let the living ones

  go free. I don’t really want to turn in a jar of dead

  ants with our homework, but if we don’t use

  them now, they will have died for nothing. I’m afraid

  that much drama would force me to write a play

  about them.

  I watched Isabella watch Jake at lunch today.

  As I did, I noticed that Hudson was watching me

  watch her, and Angeline was watching him watch

  me, and Emmily was watching the corn on her plate.

  My superpowers told me that Hudson is

  crazy about Angeline, and Isabella is crazy

  about Jake, and Emmily is crazy. My superpowers

  are truly becoming stronger and soon, I’m sure

  I will understand why males want to watch sports

  so much.

  When I got home, the jar just had dead ants

  inside. I suspect that the living ones saw that the lid

  was open and made a break for it. They didn’t

  even take the Cap’n Crunch with them.

  When word of this gets back to the rest of the

  ant community, I’ll bet the ant scientists that

  are working on how to avoid getting stepped on by

  five-year-olds will also be working on a way to avoid

  giant blonds coming at them with jars.

  Wednesday 25

  Dear Dumb Diary,

  I finished our ant report today. I included

  everything, even the part about letting the living

  ones go free. I’m still not an ant fan, but I hate

  them less now. I think I understand them better.

  Emmily would not shut up about learning to

  glitterize, so I gave her just the cover of the

  report, after I outlined the title. I explained exactly

  how to put the glue down and shake the glitter onto

  it, and I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine.

  I asked Emmily if she wanted to decorate the

  dead ant jar as well. Maybe it won’t be as

  depressing if she adds a little bling.

  Hudson called after dinner, but I didn’t call

  him back since I know he was just going to ask me

  questions about Angeline and her beauty and her

  personality and all of that stuff. Nothing against

  Hudson, but he really has to come up with better

  things for me to assume he wants to talk about.

  Thursday 26

  Dear Dumb Diar
y,

  Isabella saved a life today.

  Let me explain.

  At lunch, she wanted to sit at the table where

  Jake and Emmily were eating, so she dragged me

  along. Isabella sat down right next to Jake. (She’s

  still a little in love.) Emmily was sitting right across

  from him.

  Isabella was staring so intently at Jake that

  he clearly started to get uncomfortable. I wasn’t

  sure he was even going to finish his third serving of

  meat loaf, or horse meat, as he now believes it to be.

  Every once in a while, Emmily would say

  something totally Emmilish, like, “Why don’t they

  grow more foods on the cob? That’s the most fun

  way to eat corn. They should put everything on

  cobs.” Then Jake would laugh, of course, because

  that’s all you can do when Emmily says something

  like that: You either laugh or suggest she gets

  some tests.

  One of the times Jake laughed, he started to

  cough a little, and that’s when Isabella saved his life.

  By sticking her finger in his mouth.

  I’ve had Isabella’s finger in my mouth many

  times. Whenever I yawn, Isabella loves to quickly

  stick her finger in my mouth to disrupt it in mid-

  yawn. Isabella is also not above reaching into your

  mouth for gum if it’s your last piece and you just

  put it in there.

  But as familiar as I am with her finger in

  my mouth, I have to tell you, you never really get

  used to it.

  And for Jake, this was a first.

  He sputtered and coughed harder and

  sprayed Emmily with what was essentially aerosol

  meat loaf. He could only remove Isabella’s finger

  after several minutes of intense struggle, because

  it seemed as though she intended to keep it in there

  for good, and Isabella is pretty strong.

  When he finally got it out, Isabella announced

  that he was okay, and that she had succeeded in

 

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