by Maisey Yates
She was trying not to dwell on it. Was trying not to dwell on anything other than the good feelings Knox created in her. Who knew how long all this would last? She didn’t want to waste any time being upset or worried. Didn’t want to waste time being hypersensitive to his moods or to her own.
There was way too much good happening. And she knew it was temporary. So she planned to just pull herself together and enjoy.
She tried to shake off her lethargy as she looked in the mirror and finished putting her makeup on. She was just so tired. She didn’t know if it was because of the lack of sleep since Knox had moved in, or what. Stress, maybe, from the upcoming event for Ellie’s House.
Because as much as she knew that he wasn’t making a statement by bringing her, it still felt momentous that he’d asked her to come with him. He would probably be annoyed with her for thinking that. But she was coming to an event with his ex-wife and his ex-wife’s fiancé. An event for a charity his ex-wife had created for the daughter they had lost.
He could have easily gone by himself. And Selena had a feeling that a few months ago that was exactly what he would have opted to do. Since he had been doing things on his own for the past couple of years.
The fact that he’d reached out to her was probably why he was acting weird. The intensity of the whole situation. She really couldn’t blame him.
She checked her reflection in the mirror and had a momentary feeling of uncertainty. And then a flash of jealousy followed closely by a bite of guilt.
She had to wonder if he might compare her to his tall, blonde ex, who was more willowy than she was curvy. And Selena wouldn’t really be able to blame him if he did. She and Cassandra were so different. The idea of standing next to Cassandra and playing a game of compare and contrast had been making her feel ill.
Of course, that wasn’t what was going to happen. And Cassandra had always been very nice to her.
It’d been strange when she and Knox had gotten divorced, because Selena had genuinely liked her. As much as you could like the woman who had ended up with the man of your dreams, obviously.
But as Selena had recused herself from having those kinds of dreams, she’d never really been angry with Cassandra. Knox being married had always been both a relief and a heartache. There was really no other way to describe it. A relief because that feeling of what if had abated slightly since there had been no more what if left. But also it had just burned sometimes. Knowing he was with someone else. That he’d loved someone else.
But she’d never let herself dwell on it. She hadn’t been able to be with him romantically, not when a relationship like that would have required risk and a trust she hadn’t been willing to give. But she’d also needed him in her life, and she wasn’t about to let something like a marriage come between them.
Now, had Cassandra been a bad wife, Selena wouldn’t have been able to stand for it. But Cassandra had always been great. Exactly the kind of woman Selena thought Knox should have been with. So getting all bent out of shape about Cassandra and comparisons now was just pointless.
She twisted her body slightly, frowning as she smoothed her hand over the front of her fitted gold dress. A strange sense of disquiet raced through her as she adjusted herself in the halter top. Her breasts hurt. Like they were bruised.
That was very, very strange.
She knew of only one thing that caused such intense breast tenderness and...no. That was ridiculous. Except her breasts had never been tender before. Her eyes dropped down to her stomach. She looked the same. She couldn’t believe...couldn’t believe there could be a baby in there.
And the first time...she and Knox had forgotten condoms. That had been in the back of her mind, niggling at her consciousness, ever since. At the time, it had been lost in confessions of her virginity and the deep pain he’d expressed when talking about his daughter.
But the fact remained...the condoms had been forgotten.
The stomach she was currently scrutinizing felt as though it dropped down to her toes.
She could not be pregnant. Well, she could be pregnant—that was the trouble. She really could be. She and Knox had unprotected sex and she was... Well, she was late.
“No,” she said to her reflection, bracing her arms on the dresser. “No,” she said.
“What’s going on?”
She turned around to see Knox standing there wearing a suit and a black tie, and if her stomach hadn’t already been down in her toes, it would have done a full free fall.
“Nothing,” she said, turning around quickly, still holding on to the dresser. “I just was afraid that I couldn’t find my earrings. But I did.”
“The ones you’re wearing?”
“No,” she said, grabbing for another pair on top of the cluttered dresser. “These.”
And he kept staring at her, so she had to change into the earrings that she had already decided against. She took out the pair that looked absolutely perfect with her gold dress and sadly discarded them on the top of the dresser. Then she put the others in, smiling. “See?”
“Right,” he said, clearly not seeing a distinction between the two. Because he was a man. Which was the only reason that her excuse actually worked. Because otherwise he would know that the other pair was clearly better.
“Are you ready to go?”
“Yes,” she said.
“I got us a room at the hotel where the charity event is being held. You know, so that neither of us has to be the designated driver.”
He was keeping his tone light, but she definitely sensed the hint of strain beneath it.
“Sounds good,” she said.
At the mention of alcohol, she realized that she actually couldn’t bring herself to drink a glass of champagne before she knew for sure.
Before she knew for sure if she was pregnant.
Oh, she was going to pass out. She really was. She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to get through tonight. She needed to sneak away from him and get a test.
This wasn’t happening.
It wasn’t fair.
It definitely couldn’t crash into the event tonight, because the event was way too important. For the memory of his daughter.
Suddenly, Selena was sure she was going to throw up.
“Are you okay?”
“I guess,” she said. “I’m nervous.” She opted to be honest about part of her problem so she could leave out the big, scary part. “I haven’t seen Cassandra since your divorce. And the two of us are... You know.”
“She’s engaged,” he said.
“It’s not her that I’m worried about.”
He frowned. “Are you afraid I’m going to see her and want her? Instead of you?”
“I don’t know,” she said, lifting a shoulder. “Yes.”
“I’m not harboring secret feelings for Cassandra,” he said. “We’ll always be... We’re linked. She and I created a life together. And then we both had to go through the experience of losing it. Losing Ellie. So it’s not the same as if we were sharing custody or something. But...”
“I’m all right with that. I mean, I get it. I really do. And I am not upset about that at all. I just... She’s prettier than me,” Selena said finally.
He frowned. “You are the prettiest damned woman, Selena Jacobs,” he said. He reached out and brushed his fingertips across her cheek. “I...I haven’t felt this good in a long time. And the fact that I still feel pretty good even with all of this Ellie’s House stuff looming on the horizon... It’s a testament to you. I don’t long for my marriage. The man who was married to Cassandra doesn’t exist anymore. That’s the only real way I can think to explain it. We changed too much and we didn’t change together. Nobody’s fault. It just is. But the woman she is now has found a different man. The man I am now wants you. Nobody else. I can’t even compare the two of you. I don’t want to. Yo
u’re you. You always have been. You occupy a special place in my life no one else ever has.”
Her heart felt swollen, like it might burst through her chest. It wasn’t quite a declaration of love, but it almost was. He put his arm around her and started to guide her out of the bedroom, and then they headed to the driveway, where he got into the driver’s side of her car and started down the road that would take them to downtown Royal for the event.
This felt right, being with him for this event to celebrate his daughter’s memory. She had to wonder what that meant. She had been so convinced that there was no future between herself and him. Had been utterly and completely certain that the two of them could have nothing but sex and friendship.
But they were in some different space where all those pieces had woven together, and her feelings for him were so big. So deep and real. She just didn’t know where they were anymore. And she wondered why she was resisting at all. Because when she had decided she wasn’t going to have a husband and children, when she had decided that love wasn’t for her, that idea had been attached to an abstract man. Some version of her father who might someday betray her.
But this relationship she’d started wasn’t with an abstract man. It certainly wasn’t with anyone who resembled her father.
It was with Knox.
Knox, who had been one of her best friends for all of her adult life. She trusted him, more than she trusted just about anybody. She wasn’t afraid of him. She wasn’t afraid of loving him. He was a safe place for all those feelings to land.
And if she was having his baby...
She had no idea what to make of that. Had no idea what it would mean to him. She knew he’d said he didn’t want to have a relationship again, but what if they were having a child? What would that do to him?
Suddenly, the whole situation seemed a lot more fraught than it had a moment ago. Just one moment of peace, and then it had evaporated.
Surely he would want another child, though—if she was really pregnant. He had been a wonderful father, and it wasn’t as if a new baby would replace the little girl he had lost.
Her brain was still tying itself in knots when they arrived at the hotel. Cars and limousines were circling the area in front, valets taking the vehicles away to be parked, doormen ushering people inside. Knox stuck his black cowboy hat on his head and smiled at her, and then the two of them got out of the car and headed into the hotel. She clung to him, mostly because she thought if she let go of him she might collapse completely.
And not just because of those strange feelings of jealousy she’d had earlier. No, not at all. It had very little to do with that. It was just...everything else. Suddenly, what she and Knox were doing, what they were sharing, felt too big.
They made their way into the lobby of the hotel. It was art deco with inlaid geometric designs on the floor reflected in gold on the ceiling panels. There was a banner hung over the main ballroom, welcoming the distinguished attendees to the first annual fundraiser for Ellie’s House.
But it was the picture on the stand, right in the entry of the ballroom, that stopped her short and made her breath freeze in her chest. It was a photograph of a little girl. Beautiful. Blonde.
With the same gray eyes as her daddy.
She was lying in a field with her hands propped beneath her chin, yellow-and-purple wildflowers blooming all around her.
Selena’s heart squeezed tight and she fought to take a breath. She clung even more tightly to Knox, whose posture was rigid. She sneaked a glance at him and saw that he was holding his jaw almost impossibly tense. It hurt her to see that picture. In memoriam of a child who would be here if life was fair. She couldn’t imagine how it was for him.
He paused for just a moment, and she looked away as he brushed his fingertips lightly over the portrait. It felt wrong to watch that. Like she was intruding on a private moment. On a greeting or a goodbye. She wasn’t sure.
He straightened, then began moving forward. She rested her head on his shoulder as they walked, and she had a feeling they were holding each other up now.
The ornate room was filling up, but it didn’t take long for her to spot Cassandra, her blond hair pulled back into a bun. She was all pointed shoulders and collarbones, much thinner than she had been the last time Selena had seen her. But as beautiful as ever. Cassandra had always been a stunning woman, and tonight was no exception. She was wearing an understated black dress, with a ribbon pinned to the top.
She rushed over to greet them, her expression harried, her face a bit pale. “I’m so glad you made it,” she said. She took a step forward, like she was ready to hug Knox, and then thought better of it. Instead, she reached into her clutch and produced two ribbons, pressing them into Knox’s palm. “If you want to wear these.”
“Thank you,” he said.
“Hi,” Cassandra said to Selena.
Selena broke the awkwardness and leaned in, embracing Cassandra in a hug. “Hi,” she said. “It’s good to see you.”
Cassandra looked between them, her expression full of speculation, but she said nothing. Instead, she just twisted the large yellow diamond ring on her left hand.
“Is your fiancé here?” Knox asked.
“He was,” Cassandra said. “I sent him out to get me some new nylons because I put a run in mine. He’s good like that.”
“He sounds it,” he said, a slight smile curving his lips.
“Well,” Cassandra said. “You know me. If there is a nylon in the vicinity I will cause a run in it.”
“I’m glad you have someone to get you a new pair,” he said.
“Me, too.” After a beat of silence, she said, “I’m sorry—I have to go back to getting everything in order, but I’ll find you again later tonight.”
“You’re gonna make tons of money,” he said.
“I hope so,” she said. “I hope we do. I hope I am part of making sure that in the future this doesn’t happen. Not to anyone.” Cassandra’s blue eyes filled with tears and she looked away. When she looked back at Knox, her smile was in place. “Sorry. I have to go.”
She turned abruptly, brushing her hands over her face, her slim shoulders rising and falling on a long breath. Then she strode forward resolutely, mingling with the other people who were starting to fill up the ballroom.
Selena could only be impressed with the way that Knox handled himself the whole evening. He had pinned the ribbon that Cassandra had given him proudly on his lapel, and Selena had done the same, to the top of her dress. And she did her very best to keep her focus on what was happening around them. Ellie’s House—Ellie’s memory—was simply too important for Selena to get caught up in her own worries.
There was a buffet, which Selena noticed Knox never went near. And she made a point of acting like she hadn’t noticed. But when the band started to play, she asked him to dance.
He surprised her by complying.
He swept her into his arms, and for the first time in hours, she felt like things might be okay between them. “This is a wonderful tribute,” she said, softly.
“Yes,” he responded, the word clipped.
“I’m sorry.” She lowered her head. “I said the wrong thing.”
“No. It’s just...still hard to accept that my daughter needs tributes. I guess I should be more used to it by now.”
“No. Don’t do that, Knox. You were caught off guard earlier.”
“It was a nice picture,” he said, his voice rough. “I remember the day it was taken. Out at the Jackson Hole ranch where we used to take picnics. I don’t...I don’t even like to remember. Even the good times hurt.”
Selena didn’t say anything. She just rested her head against his chest and swayed with him on the dance floor. They didn’t speak much for the rest of the evening. Knox focused on talking to potential donors, rather than to her. But Selena was used to these types of events
and it was easy for her to go off and do the same, to make sure she did her part to bring in money for the charity.
Cassandra gave an amazing speech about the importance of medical research, and the progress that was being made in the effort to treat childhood cancers and other childhood diseases. She talked about the function of the charity, how they donated money to innovative research teams and to housing for the various hospitals, so families could stay near their children while they received treatment and not be buried under the financial burden.
Selena found that she could only be impressed with Knox’s ex-wife. She couldn’t be jealous. She was just proud. And it seemed...okay then, that Knox would always have a connection with Cassandra. It seemed important even. Selena certainly wanted to be involved in supporting this effort with Ellie’s House, and she thought it was amazing what Cassandra had done with her grief.
As the clock drew closer to midnight, Selena hit a wall, so tired that she was barely able to stand. Knox, on the other hand, was still moving dynamically around the room, stumping to have more checks written. It was amazing to watch the way the fire had been lit inside of him since they had arrived. Clearly he had a desire to make all of his family’s suffering count for something. To make the loss count for something.
Suddenly she felt so nauseous, she thought she might collapse. Fuzzy-headed. Sleepy. It could just be stress and fatigue. It had been a crazy few weeks and a hard evening. She was just so overly...done.
She walked over to Knox and touched his arm. “I need to go to bed,” she said.
He gave her a cursory glance, obviously still focused on the event. Which was fine with her. She imagined he would want to stay till the end. She wanted to stay; she was just going to fall over if she tried.
“I’ll see you up in the room,” he responded.
If he was disappointed about the fact that she would be asleep when he got there, rather than ready for sex, he didn’t show it. But then, he was busy. And she could appreciate that. She could more than appreciate that. It was good to see him passionate about something, especially something involving his daughter’s memory. Good to see him involved.