by Amber Lynn
“After we got done shopping, we spent all our time thinking of names. I think I like Grace or Elizabeth best, but Toby said it’s up to you.”
Meredith looked down at the baby and thought about the names. Life had been so busy that she really hadn’t spent time thinking of options. Caleb couldn’t know it, but Elizabeth was Meredith’s grandmother’s name.
“I think Grace Elizabeth sounds like the perfect name.”
Leaning down, Meredith kissed the bright-eyed, quiet baby’s forehead. She only had Caleb to compare things to, but she didn’t remember him being as still or quiet.
“The doctor evidently thinks you’re going to need to stick around for a few days,” Toby started. “I know I don’t have a say in anything, but I can look after Caleb until you’re back on your feet if you want.”
Meredith expected the offer. She saw Caleb’s arms squeeze around Toby’s chest a little tighter. After hearing Caleb talk about how he didn’t want Paul to be involved in their lives, it was worrisome to see how attached he was getting to Toby. Caleb even went so far to nod his head rapidly to indicate he approved of the idea.
“Thanks, Toby. Or should I say, Mattie? Things are a little fuzzy, but I’m remembering a woman calling you that.”
The rolling of his eyes told Meredith that the nickname wasn’t exactly preferred. Toby started up an explanation of how it was impossible to do what he did for a living and not pick up at least one nickname. Meredith listened and shifted her eyes between the two biggest pieces of her life. She couldn’t remember feeling more content.
Chapter Fifteen
It felt weird knocking on Meredith’s door, but Toby wasn’t comfortable just walking into the woman’s cabin, like she’d suggested more than once. Her family had been settled in the cabin for about two weeks, and every day Toby stopped by to check on them. It was getting tougher not to think of himself as part of their family.
He told himself that his daily visits should only last an hour. Get in, make sure everyone looks healthy and no one needs anything, then get out. Not one of the trips had only lasted an hour. Toby tended to spend almost five hours a day at Meredith’s.
“I’m not kidding about kicking you one of these times, Toby.”
The worn wooden door swung open and a perturbed Meredith filled about half the open space. Toby was working on not staring at her for more than a second, but when she looked like a woman about to go to battle, it was hard not to fall into her fiery eyes.
She claimed she wasn’t anywhere near back to her pre-baby weight and looked like hell, but Toby’s infatuation with her curves hadn’t died down. He hadn’t been able to catch her in a swimming suit in a while, but even in the loose-fitting sweats she often wore she stirred things inside of him.
“It’s good to see you too.”
Toby leaned in to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. He could feel a sexual sort of tension building between them, but if she felt anything on her part, she was a master at hiding it. The cheek kissing thing started while she was still in the care of Dr. Theodore. Meredith didn’t skirt away from it, but she also never initiated it.
Meredith pushed on Toby’s chest, causing him to take a step back. She moved with him and let the door close behind her. Most mornings he showed up and she immediately shoved a cup a coffee in his direction as she welcomed him inside. The new routine confused him, and he hoped that was clear as he stared down at the woman with her hand still on his chest.
“They’re both still asleep, so I thought maybe we could spend a few minutes out here.”
The words didn’t clear up any of the confusion. The kids were often still asleep when Toby came over. Grace wasn’t on any specific schedule yet, but she was content lying in her bassinet without much fuss.
“Do you need me to get some more firewood together? I know you’re particular about that kind of stuff, so let me just grab the saw and you can point me to the tree you want me to cut down.”
Toby stepped to the left to follow through with his idea. The nights had been a little chilly and with a baby around it was important to make sure the temperature in the cabin didn’t dip too much.
“No,” Meredith said as she pushed her hand on his chest firmer. “We need to talk about this.”
“This?”
“Yes, this.”
Meredith waved the hand not on Toby’s chest in the air. Toby didn’t think he was dense, but it seemed the “this” she indicated was the entire forest.
“Last night, Caleb asked if you were going to move in and be his new father.”
“Oh.”
The reply was stupid, but Toby had not expected those words out of Meredith’s mouth. He and Caleb were great pals. It was hard for them not to be when they’d spent six days together, trying their best to kept each other from getting in trouble. Jimmy and Jen had hung out with them for one of those days, but the couple didn’t have the luxury of running from the real world back in the city.
“Yeah, oh. A month ago he was afraid of Paul coming over for dinner because he didn’t want a guy spending time with us and now he wants you to move in.”
Toby felt like he should apologize, but thought better of it. There was no way it would come out right. Instead, he stood there stupidly blank as he tried to figure out what to say.
Jimmy had warned him that he should come back to the city with them. His friend had gone as far as to say there was no way things ended up good for anyone involved if he stuck around. Toby couldn’t just leave, though. Meredith needed someone to be there and she refused to call the family she’d let slip existed during one of their late-night talks.
Meredith held a lot back. Toby could feel it as they touched the edges of the topics of her family and husband. He’d tried to get her to open up about the abuse Caleb had mentioned at the dance, but anything too personal was a no-question zone.
“Look, I know you didn’t mean for it to happen. You didn’t come up here looking for a premade family to take under your wing. I totally get it, but no matter how grown-up Caleb seems, he’s just a kid and he does have an imagination.”
“What’s different between me and Paul?”
The list of answers to that question were endless, but Toby was curious whether Meredith had an answer. If anything, Toby thought his size and being new around the area would make him the bigger worry, especially for a kid.
“Paul reminds him of his father.”
Meredith took her arm off Toby’s chest and walked a few paces off to the right. The steps were careful and calculated as she navigated the earth in bare feet. A little space between them was smart, but Toby had never been called that, so he followed behind her.
“And that’s a bad thing?”
The immediate answer was Meredith’s head moving up and down. Toby’s parents were both alive and still married, so he didn’t have any good reference points for the situation. He wanted to believe that a kid would be drawn to someone who reminded them of their father, not that he wanted Meredith and Paul involved any more than they already were. He just thought it sounded natural.
“I know you already know it, but Lawrence sometimes used more than words to get points across. Most of the time it was words, which were hard enough to hide from Caleb, but he remembers things I didn’t think he would.”
“He thinks Paul would hit you?”
Toby didn’t have a high opinion of the guy, but he didn’t get that vibe. He didn’t know anyone who partook in that kind of abuse, so he wasn’t the best judge to foresee it happening.
“Paul’s intense, but he’s never hurt a fly. It’s kind of ironic that Caleb’s less worried about a guy who’s been in forty-six professional fights and is hanging out in the middle of nowhere because of the hits he took in those fights.”
She’d done some research. Toby couldn’t be surprised by that. He was spending so much time with her family that it would’ve been stupid of her not to get a little background information.
“I’d never hurt you
or the kids. I don’t think Paul would either, but I’m not going to vouch for the guy.”
“I know you’d never hurt us physically. I also know that eventually you’re going to leave, and if things keep going like they are, that’s going to hurt us more.”
Meredith slowly turned so she faced Toby. Used to being close to her, he hadn’t left much room between them. Her left hand brushed against his right arm as she turned, causing Toby’s eyes to focus on where the contact was made. Her hand moved away immediately, but Toby could still feel the warmth on his skin.
“What do you want me to do, Meredith?”
Saying he wasn’t going to leave was a lie and he did what he could to keep those to a minimum. As the days went by, his desire to go back had diminished, but he had a contract that meant he couldn’t stay away forever.
“I want you to tell me you don’t feel the connection between us and are packing up to go back to your normal life today.”
A full slew of curse words echoed in Toby’s head as he let the words sink in. She said them so calmly, almost like she’d practiced them.
Toby stepped away and ran his fingers through his hair as he looked at the ground. Piles of dirt, twigs and leaves weren’t going to give him any clarity, but he had to think about his reply. After all her assertions that she didn’t want someone in her life, she admitted there was a connection.
“I just got done thinking to myself that I don’t like lying, so I can’t say either of those things. I don’t want to hurt any of you.”
He stared at the cabin instead of turning around to face Meredith. He wanted to see her reaction, but he was scared of it. There was a part of him that felt bad he’d gone against her wishes. Not the wish that he said anything other than the truth. The wish, or dream, that she didn’t need a man in her life.
She didn’t need one, but he was afraid he’d made her want one. Even though they were technically two different things, they sort of converged on the same topic. Meredith had wanted to prove to the world she didn’t need anyone in her life and Toby had made her want something more.
“But you will.”
Toby jumped when Meredith’s arms wrapped around his waist and her head settled on his back. The move was so unexpected he almost pushed away from her.
“I’m not so worried about what you’ll do to me. Caleb’s the reason I’m asking you to go.”
“And you think leaving now, before he’s up and wondering when I’ll show up today is how we should handle it?”
His chest hurt from even saying the words. There was no plan to follow through with them, but thinking about leaving didn’t sit well. He knew it wouldn’t, which was why he did everything he could not to think about it.
“I convinced myself that since you don’t belong here, you’d be safe.”
“Safe for what? I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m terrible at hiding things, so you can’t tell me you didn’t know I’ve always been attracted to you. Even when I found out you were pregnant and probably had a husband waiting for you, I was checking you out.”
Meredith let her arms fall away from Toby. He was quick to spin around and grab her left hand to make sure she didn’t take off. They kept walking away from each other, and he thought the rest of the conversation needed to be said face to face.
“Safe for eye candy, I guess. I don’t know. When I saw you on the dock that first day, I never thought there’d be this thing between us. We haven’t even kissed, and yet I feel more intimate with you than I did being married to my husband for six years.”
The mention of a kiss wasn’t an invitation. Toby knew that, but he didn’t care. If she thought they were already intimate, he wanted her to know what it could be like.
He watched as her eyes widened the second his head started descending and his arms wrapped around her. She didn’t pull away. Instead, she closed her eyes and stood on her tiptoes to meet him halfway. He licked her lips as soon as his tongue came in range and tasted the peppermint tea she liked to drink.
Toby could’ve stood there tracing her lips all day, but that was only one part of the intimacy he wanted to teach her. Pressing his lips firmly against hers, he started out tentatively. It wouldn’t do either of them any good if they got all excited. With the kids due to wake up any second and Meredith still healing from her surgery, things weren’t going further than a kiss.
The thought was a good one, but even a chaste kiss between the two of them set Toby’s cells on fire. He groaned as he dipped his tongue just inside her mouth to greet hers. It took all the will he had, but after a few moments he started kissing up her face until he got to her forehead. His head was hazy, and he hoped hers was too, but that didn’t stop him from saying what had to be said.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter Sixteen
“Has Caleb ever been to any big city?”
Meredith had been tracing her fingers along the lines of Toby’s chest when he asked the question. She wasn’t sure how they were going to both fit on the couch when he suggested they lie down, but things worked out easily with her on top of him. She stopped her fingers from their path and looked up to his face to see if she could pick up any reasoning behind the question.
His eyes were blank, the way he liked to keep them during any serious conversation. Meredith thought he did it to hide what he was thinking. She decided not to let him in on the fact that it only made things more obvious.
“I’m guessing while you were getting groceries today you made some calls. How soon do you have to go back?”
The call had come sooner than Meredith had hoped, but longer than she thought it would take. Toby had been in her little slice of the universe for a month and a half. Six weeks wasn’t enough time. Grace had barely been with them a month.
Meredith pushed on Toby’s chest to sit up, but the arms around her made the task a little difficult. Relying on a single arm to keep her place, he put his free hand on her face and used his thumb to rub her cheek.
“The team’s going to buy out my contract. There was talk about me joining the front office in some capacity, but I told them my head wasn’t in it.”
“But your head has been better, right? No big headaches or anything in weeks?”
They didn’t spend every minute together. Toby went back to his place every day, so there were plenty of times he could’ve hidden one of his blackouts.
“I didn’t mean it the way you’re thinking. Surprisingly, my head’s been in good shape.”
His eyes were still mostly blank, but a smile started to reach them. Toby always seemed to have a smile on his face. It didn’t always reach his eyes, but when it did, it was hard to look away from him.
“Hmm, you didn’t answer the question on when you have to leave. I assume that’s why you were asking about Caleb’s travelling experiences.”
“I would’ve asked about Grace, but I have it on good authority that the most interesting place she’s been is the doctor’s office. I want you guys to come with me. It will only be for a week or so while I get some things settled.”
Closing her eyes, Meredith pulled back. The second time always seemed to be the charm with Toby, as he let her go without a fight. She didn’t stop with just sitting up. She hopped to her feet so she could walk around. They’d been on the couch for about an hour, so even if she didn’t need some space, the stretching alone made her feel better.
She still felt a little pudgy, but her body for the most part was back to normal. Toby tried to get her to rest as much as possible. It was a futile task on his part. She’d expected it to take a lot longer to lose the big belly, as it did with Caleb, but apparently chasing after two kids was doing wonders for her.
“And then what? Are we going to pretend that spending a few days back isn’t going to change this?”
“Why don’t you ever call it us? Every time you bring up our relationship you say this. It’s not a this, Meredith. It’s not even just a you and me thing. It’s you, Caleb, Grace an
d me.”
Meredith scoffed and walked over to the door. The kids had been asleep for a while and the sun had long ago set. Most days, Toby would’ve already been gone for the night, but apparently he waited until the last minute to bring up the topic of their little vacation.
Opening the door, Meredith walked outside to get a look at the stars in the sky. She knew it drove Toby crazy when she walked away from him, but she wasn’t sure where the conversation would go. Plus, she didn’t want to wake the kids.
She didn’t have to turn around to know Toby was right behind her. Some days he felt like a shadow. They had a rickety old picnic table on the north side of the house that she headed towards. There were other chairs and seating options, but the table also had the best view of the clear sky.
“Don’t shut me out.”
Toby didn’t give her any space as he sat next to her. Their legs touched and he was quick to wrap his fingers around hers.
“I’m not shutting you out. I’m being realistic. How many girlfriends, ex or otherwise, will be waiting for you back in New York?”
“There is no otherwise. Since you’re having problems admitting there’s an us, I’m guessing you haven’t realized I consider you my girlfriend. I don’t sleep around, Meredith.”
Meredith shook her head and leaned back on the table so she could look at the sky. It was the reason she picked to spot, so she figured she might as well try to find whatever guidance the cosmos had for her. Lately, they’d sent her for a loop.
“Would it really qualify as sleeping around since we haven’t slept together?”
The picnic table creaked as Toby got up and moved to stand in front of Meredith. She continued to look up at the sky and picked out Orion’s Belt. She only knew a few constellations.
“Are you serious? I know how literal you take everything, but I’m not just talking about sex. I don’t fool around.”