by JL Paul
I hung my head over the sink. Maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough because I wasn’t exactly anxious to see them.
Chapter Twelve
December brought bitter cold and the constant threat of snow. It also brought tryouts for the spring musical. I rehearsed the lines Ms. Norbert assigned for those wanting the part of Abigail for hours every night. I had them down and couldn’t wait to impress Ms. Norbert with my acting skills.
The week of tryouts was torturous as I had to sit through every single one, being a member of the Drama Club. At lunch and between classes, I ran the lines over and over in my head. Lance grew impatient with my lack of attention, but I promised when tryouts were over, I’d return to normal. He nodded, but I don’t think he believed me. I asked him to help me and then I wouldn’t be ignoring him so much, but he laughed and gave me a ‘thanks but no thanks’ reply. I was disappointed, but I figured not everyone was as obsessed with acting as I.
Once the final bell rang on the day I was to tryout, I raced toward the Arts building, eager to get through the ordeal so I could move on with my life. I was relieved to see only five other girls had signed up to try out for my part. Well, I hoped it would be my part. I sat in the auditorium and watched as three girls stumbled through the lines and one flattened nearly every note. I knew it was probably just nerves and that any of the girls would be excellent for the part, but I couldn’t help but cheer inside each time they made a mistake.
When Ms. Norbert called me to the stage, she gave me a warm smile and told me to start. And wouldn’t you know, I nailed it. Perfectly! I was so pumped up I nearly launched into a song and dance number. I didn’t think that would impress many people so I refrained. Ms. Norbert would have probably loved it—especially if it was a popular musical song. But, I just took my seat and waited to hear what she had to say.
“Thank you, ladies, for trying out. I will post the results in the morning,” she told us with a bright smile.
Are you kidding me?
I leapt out of my seat and flew out of the auditorium in a fit of rage. I couldn’t wait that long! It would kill me to sit in my room all night and wonder.
I stalked down the sidewalk, ignoring the horde of students entering the cafeteria. Dinner was being served but I had no appetite.
“Bella!” Lance called. I stopped as he jogged to catch up to me. “Hey. Aren’t you going to eat?”
“No,” I said in a petulant tone. I launched into my story about tryouts and how unfair it was to make us wait. When I finished, I waited for Lance to console me and rail against Ms. Norbert but he didn’t. He only nodded and took my hand.
“I have just the thing to cheer you up. Come with me.”
Lifting a confused shoulder, I followed, happy for some sort of attention. I was only slightly surprised when we ended up in front of the boys’ dorms. He stuck his keycard in the slot and directed me to his room. It was empty, save for us, and he sat on his bed. He smiled and I returned it nervously as I stood in the doorway, contemplating what to do.
“Don’t be so shy, Bella,” he said with a laugh. “I promise I won’t bite. Come sit with me.”
I did so, hesitantly, perching on the edge. “Why are we here?”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to his side. He eased me back on the bed and pressed a soft kiss on my cheek, very near my lips. I released a long breath as my heart pumped a furious beat. His kisses grew more passionate and his breath was hot on my skin. I tried to relax in his arms but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be here, doing this. I wanted to talk to him about the whole sex thing and make him understand that it wasn’t something I was ready for just yet.
But he hardly gave me a chance to speak. Every time I opened my mouth, he covered it with his own. I prayed Dean would return to the room soon as dinner wouldn’t last a lot longer.
When Lance tugged my shirt out of the waistband of my pants, I pulled away and jumped to my feet.
“No, Lance. I can’t right now.”
He rolled to his back and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“You’re my girlfriend, Bella. What’s the big deal?” I bit my lip, trying to find the words to explain. He flipped to his side and his face relaxed into a huge, knowing grin. “It’s that time of the month, huh?”
I nearly collapsed in relief.
“Yes,” I said a little too quickly, managing to keep the lie off my face. “That’s it. Sorry.”
Standing, he clutched my shoulders, kissing me lightly. “I understand. Come on, I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”
Annie looked up from her desk when I walked through the door. “Where have you been?”
“Tryouts. Then I hung out with Lance for a little bit.”
Nodding, she dropped her eyes. After a deep breath, she raised her face to me. “Cammy and I haven’t seen much of you lately. We thought maybe we could all go shopping this Saturday. What do you think?”
I smiled my first genuine smile of the day as I sat at my desk. “I would love it.”
She got up to hug me and pulled her chair next to mine. “Let’s tackle this stupid Calculus homework, shall we?”
***
Skipping from the auditorium toward the dorms, ecstatic energy coursed through my heart. I’d been assigned the part of Abigail and I made a mental list of people to tell. Lance caught up with me and snagged my arm.
“I heard you got the part,” he smiled and my heart flipped. “Good. I’m taking you to celebrate tomorrow.”
My eyes lit up as I threw my arms around him. I couldn’t believe he was as excited as I was. “Okay.”
He unlocked my grip and kissed me again. “I need to go make some arrangements. I’ll call your cell phone later.”
I nodded and ran back to my dorm.
Annie did not share my excitement. She nodded and turned her eyes away when I told her what Lance had said. I sank to my bed, brow furrowed as I fought the disappointment at my friend’s lack of enthusiasm. It took several minutes of uneasy silence before I remembered the shopping trip .
“I’m sorry, Annie,” I said in my most earnest voice. “Do you think we can do it Sunday instead?”
“No. Cammy’s parents invited me to brunch Sunday,” she said, curt. That stung. Cammy’s parents always invited both of us to brunch once a month. I hadn’t been able to attend last month, and I suspected Cammy must have told them I wouldn’t be able to this month either. Embarrassment joined my other conflicting emotions as I slunk away to the bathroom. I spent more and more time in the shower than anywhere else lately.
***
I met Lance at his car Saturday and was surprised when he took me to Portfield, the largest town in the area. He parked his car in the lot of a swank hotel and hurried me to a glamorous suite. My heart froze as I walked around the room, admiring the lush décor and the heart shaped tub. I knew what he expected, and I hadn’t a clue how to get out of it this time.
“Don’t be so nervous,” he said. He popped the cork on a bottle of champagne, pouring the bubbly liquid into a glass before handing it to me. I sipped it slowly, the bubbles tickling my nose. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I just thought this would be romantic and quiet. We can be totally alone here.”
I nodded and sat on the edge of the bed. I continued to sip at my glass just to have something to do. Lance watched me carefully but didn’t make a move.
“This is really nice,” I said slowly. “But it’s a little too much, don’t you think?”
He shrugged. “Christmas break is next week—I wanted to do something special before we both leave school and get so wrapped up in the holidays that we have no time for us.”
I swallowed his excuse and accepted his refill. I fought my conflicting emotions. Was I ready to commit this way to him? Did I want to lose my virginity in some expensive, yet cheesy, hotel room? Did I love Lance enough?
The champagne relaxed my body but not my mind. Oh, my head was growing foggier with each sip, but I wouldn
’t allow the alcohol to totally take control.
Lance slipped the glass from my hand and set it on the night stand. He lowered me to the bed, peppering my face with soft kisses before focusing on my mouth. He edged back to smile softly and he ran a knuckle down my cheek.
“I love you, Bella. This is the best gift you could give me. All I want for Christmas is you.”
He placed his lips on my mouth before I could respond. His kiss intensified but I felt absolutely nothing. I put my hands on his chest and shoved him away.
“No. I don’t want to do this.” The tears blinded me momentarily but I didn’t miss the spark of anger in his eyes. “Take me back to the school or I’ll call a cab. I don’t care.”
He sighed, heaved his body off the bed and strolled toward the window overlooking the parking lot. He kept his back to me, his shoulders tense. Fear trickled through my blood and I wondered if I’d angered him enough to make him force me into having sex.
Finally, he released a long breath and ran his hands through his hair before turning to face me.
“Fine.” His lips were in a tight line as I picked up my bag and followed him out the door.
A heavy silence hung over us the entire ride home. I watched the bare trees whistle past the windows as I contemplated how to tell him I was done. He wasn’t the man that I’d thought he was. He was everything that Jake had feared.
It wasn’t until we neared school that he finally spoke.
“I wasted a lot of money on you today, Bella,” he said, tone low and dangerous. “The least you could have done was shown a little appreciation. Any other girl in this school would be happy to switch places with you.”
I couldn’t respond – I was too busy fighting my tears. I just wanted to get back to school and escape.
We pulled through the gates and parked. He grabbed my arm before I could jump out of the car. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“Fine,” I mumbled. He released me and I fled his car. As I stormed through the campus, I chastised myself for being the biggest idiot to ever walk the face of the Earth. How stupid I’d been to think he actually liked me! How blind I’d been to actually think he cared!
When I reached my room, I slammed the door, startling Annie. A box on her bed was nearly full of clothing and she added an armful of jeans on top.
“What are you doing?” I asked. She never packed a box to go home and we still had a week of school left.
“I’m moving to Cammy’s room. I thought you’d appreciate the privacy.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her stance daring me to defy her, eyes dark and firm.
“That’s totally ridiculous,” I spat. “I don’t want you to move out.”
“You’re never here. You don’t hang out with us or else you break plans. You’re always with Lance and your new friends. You drink too much.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to explain what had just happened but my anger over the incident with Lance collided with the hurt and guilt of Annie’s words. “So you’re just abandoning me, huh? What kind of friend are you?”
She dropped her arms, disbelief flaring in her eyes. “What kind of friend am I? What kind of friend have you been? Did you know that Zach and I have been going out for two months now? Did you know that Cammy’s parents had to put her dog to sleep last week? Did you know that my parents have been arguing more and more lately? Huh? Did you?”
She was nearly screaming, and I flinched as I dropped to my bed. No, I hadn’t known any of that. Too wrapped up in my own life I’d been.
But she wasn’t finished. “What about Jake? When’s the last time you talked to him? What’s going on in his life? Do you even care?”
Tears threatened to spill down my cheeks but my stupid, stubborn pride prevented them from falling. “Why don’t you call him? You’ve always been a much better candidate for his friendship than me.”
I wanted to suck the words back in but it was too late. Guilt set them free.
She narrowed her eyes at me for a moment then picked up her box and stormed out of the room. I fell back on my bed and allowed misery to take over as I wallowed in self-pity.
***
I managed to keep busy the final week before Christmas break. Ms. Norbert had passed out scripts, and we were to know the first scene by heart when we returned. I studied my script all alone in my room and caught up on all my missing assignments. I avoided the cafeteria until my hunger grew to be too much to bear.
I kept my head down as I walked in the halls between classes. Too many people stared and whispered, and I couldn’t stand it. I was afraid they would see the guilt in my eyes.
It was tradition at our school that on the Saturday before students left on Christmas break to have a small party in the Student Center. Students made ornaments to hang on the enormous tree and exchanged gifts with friends. Christmas carols were played and eggnog consumed. Annie, Cammy and I always wore Santa hats and made outlandish ornaments. We would laugh and sing along with the radio as we hung our creations on the tree.
But I didn’t go this year. I went home instead.
I moped around the house, leaving only to finish my last minute shopping. I put up the tree in our family room and decorated it alone. My parents were busy at work and Seth was always out with his friends. I wrapped my gifts and shoved them under the tree.
My family finally came together on Christmas. It lifted my spirits, especially when Seth opened the tickets Jake had sent me. But Jake had surprised even me by sneaking in backstage passes. I had never even opened the envelope when I received it, just shoved it in a little box and wrapped it.
I was thinking of Jake that night when he called. I had just crawled into bed so I slumped down on my pillow and answered.
“Merry Christmas, Iz,” he said.
“Merry Christmas,” I gushed. His voice was a buoy in the dark ocean. I clung to it, determined not to let go. “Where are you?”
“My dad’s house now but tomorrow I’m leaving for West Village University. They won our college tour kickoff contest. We’ll play there New Year’s Eve but my band is going early. Rob found a couple cool locations, and he wants us to shoot a video. It’ll nice to be in one place for a few days.”
I loved West Village. It was only a couple hours from my small town and my entire family visited the university the summer before Seth’s senior year. He had decided not to go there but I fell in love with the school and the town. And the sweet hotel we had stayed in on the outskirts of town.
“Where are you staying?”
“West Village Inn, why?” he asked, curiosity raging in his voice.
I squealed then told him about our trip and explained how I loved that place. “Just don’t trash that hotel, huh?”
“One of these days I’ll tell you the story behind that whole incident.” I heard someone call his name. “Listen, angel, I’m at my dad’s house and I have to go. I’ll call you soon, okay?”
“Sure, Jake. Thanks for calling.”
“Night, Iz. Take care.”
After plugging my phone into the charger, I snuggled under my comforter. I fell asleep with a smile on my face for the first time in a long time.
***
Gloom settled its dark cloud over my heart once again two days after Christmas. My father whisked my mother away on a cruise—his gift to her, and Seth left with a bunch of his college buddies for a ski trip, leaving me stuck home alone with nothing to keep me company but my growing depression.
I sat on the couch that night, eyes on the television but not really seeing the program. I had a bowl of ice cream in my hand and occasionally I’d lift a spoonful to my mouth but I didn’t really taste it. My cell phone rang and I snatched it up quickly, hoping it was Jake. But it wasn’t. I didn’t recognize the number at all. I answered anyway.
“Hi, Bella,” Krysti greeted. “I hope you had a nice Christmas.”
“I did, thanks. And you?” I responded politely. Curiosity burned behind my words and I
wanted to just come out and ask her what she wanted.
“Yes.” She paused. “Okay, I’m just going to say this. I know we’re not really friends but I feel guilty I didn’t call you earlier.”
“What?” I asked hoarsely.
“The whole relationship with Lance was a fluke. It was a bet between him and Dean.” My heart stopped and my head started spinning. This time, no alcohol was involved. “Lance was supposed to get you to sleep with him before Christmas.”
I wanted the words to be a big lie. I wanted her to be angry and jealous because Lance had dumped her for me. I didn’t want to be a fool.
“Kimberly already told her entire group of friends. As a matter of fact, Lance was seeing Kimberly on the sly. She knew about the bet and tried to help him win.”
I closed my eyes, as my chest ached in misery. No. This could not be true.
“I’m sorry, Bella,” she whispered, tears in her voice.
“How do you know all this?” I managed to utter.
“Because he did the same thing to me.” I had to hang up before she told me more. My head already felt as though it would spin off my neck. “I lied to him when I told him I messed around at the concert because I wanted to make him jealous. It worked, sure, but it backfired in my face. He used me, and when he dumped me for you, I threatened to expose him. That’s why he didn’t take you to the dance. But I couldn’t stand him anymore. I hated him and myself. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you but I was so embarrassed.”
“It’s okay,” I somehow mumbled.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated and then ended the call. I fought the urge to sling my bowl across the room. Instead, I sat frozen for ten whole minutes before I ran to my room and packed a bag. I didn’t care where I was going but I couldn’t stay here.
I drove around for hours until I followed a muddy road to a hill overlooking a farmer’s field. A thin blanket of snow covered the ground, and the air was chilly. I got out, hugging my coat to my chest, and peeked at the emptiness below me, imagining fireflies lighting up the sky. A small sob escaped as I raced back to my car and jumped on the highway. It took me two more hours to get there and when I parked in the lot, I called his cell. He answered on the third ring.