by Mark Leyner
CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
DEDICATION
OBLIGATORY PRELUDE TO ...
CHAPTER 1. BATTLE OF THE SEXES
Why do women pee more than men?
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Are men better than women at math?
Why don’t men listen?
Why don’t women have Adam’s apples?
Can men lactate?
Why do men snore more than women?
Why do men fall asleep after sex?
Do men sleep more than women?
Do men have shorter attention spans than women?
Why do women live longer than men?
CHAPTER 2. IN THE KITCHEN
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Does milk cause an increase in mucus?
Is the red dye in maraschino cherries really bad for you?
Will a watermelon bush grow in your belly if you swallow a watermelon seed?
Why do you lose your sense of taste when your nose is stuffed?
Why does spinach leave a chalky taste in your mouth?
Does barbecuing cause cancer?
Why does food come out of your nose when you laugh while eating?
Is coffee good for your memory?
Why do wintergreen Life Savers spark when you bite them?
Is it true that you shouldn’t drink grapefruit juice if you are taking medication?
Are blueberries good for your memory?
Is green tea really good for you?
Can you drink a gallon of milk in an hour?
CHAPTER 3. THE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS AND EXERCISE
Does that black stuff athletes wear under their eyes really stop sun glare?
Do those nose strips really work?
Does Gatorade work better to quench thirst?
Is it true that you should eat a lot of carbohydrates the night before a marathon?
Will eating extra protein help build muscle mass?
What happens when you get the wind knocked out of you?
Does peeing in the shower cure athlete’s foot?
Why do some people sweat excessively?
Can too much time on a bike lead to erectile dysfunction?
Is it good or bad to masturbate/have sex the night before a big game?
Is heading a soccer ball dangerous?
Why does the doctor say turn your head and cough when checking for a hernia?
Why do men need to wear a jock strap? (And why does it hurt so bad when you get kicked in the balls?)
Do steroids shrink your testicles?
CHAPTER 4. NO, I’M NOT A VETERINARIAN!
Do animals commit suicide?
Do dogs have belly buttons?
Can a cockroach get stuck in my ear?
How do we know that dogs are color-blind?
What does a chimpanzee do with the umbilical cord after it has a baby?
Do toads cause warts?
Are bulls really attracted to the color red?
Why don’t vultures get sick from eating rotten meat?
Is a dog’s mouth clean?
Do rats cause rabies?
Why do people say, “I have to piss like a racehorse”?
Why don’t mosquito bites hurt when you get them, and why do they itch?
Why are some people sweeter to mosquitoes?
Why are bugs attracted to light?
Do bees die after they sting you?
Is it true that sharks have to keep swimming to stay alive?
Why do dogs wag their tails?
Is it true that cockroaches can survive an atomic blast?
Can animals be gay?
Do animals masturbate?
Do some people really have tails?
CHAPTER 5. INSEMINATION, GESTATION, AND LACTATION (THE PREGGERS CHAPTER)
Does standing on your head after sex increase your chances of becoming pregnant?
Should a man wait several days between sex to store up sperm if trying to impregnate his wife?
Are more babies conceived during a full moon?
Can a woman get pregnant from pre-ejaculation?
Why do you have a “bionic” sense of smell when you are pregnant?
Why can’t you eat soft cheese during pregnancy?
Do any of these things induce labor: sex, spicy food, Chinese food, red wine?
Is it true that when you put your arms up when you are pregnant, the umbilical cord wraps around the baby’s neck?
Is there any surefire way to determine the sex of the baby?
Can you breast-feed with fake boobs?
Can you breast-feed with nipple piercing?
Do your feet really grow when you are pregnant?
Why did rabbits die in old pregnancy tests?
Why do you get hairier when you are pregnant?
Do pregnant women really glow?
Why do your nipples turn brown in pregnancy?
What causes severe leg cramps at night during pregnancy?
Is it true that babies can be born with teeth?
Should pregnant women avoid cats and kitty litter?
Can squirting breast milk in a baby’s eye help a clogged tear duct?
Can sleeping on your back hurt the baby?
Why shouldn’t pregnant women dye their hair?
Will playing music to your baby make it calmer, smarter, and healthier?
Are summer pregnancies more likely to result in twins?
Is it true that all babies are born with blue eyes?
Is it true that some people eat the placenta?
Does having a lot of heartburn mean the baby has a full head of hair?
Does eating fish make the baby smarter?
CHAPTER 6. EYES, EARS, MOUTH, AND NOSE
Are some people really tone deaf?
Why do you sneeze when you stare at the sun?
Does your heart stop when you sneeze?
What are the lines going down from the nose to the lip?
What causes ringing in the ears?
Is eye color genetic?
Why do your eyes water when you poop?
Why do some people have two different-color eyes?
Are your eyeballs the size at birth that they will be your whole life?
Do iPods cause hearing loss?
What are those dust particles you sometimes see floating in front of your eyes?
When water is stuck in your ears, where is it? How do you get it out?
Does thumb sucking cause buckteeth?
What is that thing hanging down in the back of your throat, and what is it for?
Why do your ears pop in an airplane?
CHAPTER 7. WOMEN WANT TO KNOW
Why do women always get urinary tract infections?
What is that sound a vagina makes after sex?
Are fat women more fertile?
Are top and bottom herpes the same thing?
Can friends synchronize their menstrual cycles?
Why can you eat three times more than normal when you have PMS?
Is your waist two times the size of your neck?
Why do your boobs get tender before your period?
Why don’t women have hairy chests?
Do women have wet dreams?
Is douching dangerous?
Is there a treatment for severe PMS?
Is depression more common in women?
CHAPTER 8. A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE SPA
Why do I sneeze when I pluck my eyebrows?
Can deodorant really cause breast cancer?
Why do women’s toes curl after years of wearing high heels?
Why does your skin get so dry in th
e winter?
Is it true that hair grows back thicker after shaving?
What causes ingrown hairs?
Does a calcium deficiency cause rough nails?
What purpose do freckles serve?
Do your eyebrows grow back if shaved?
When you pull out a gray hair, do two come back in its place?
Why don’t you get goose bumps on your face?
Why do some women go bald?
Does smoking help you lose weight?
What makes self-tanner work?
Can you get toe fungus from a pedicure?
Can you get herpes from a hot tub?
Why does your skin get thinner as you age?
CHAPTER 9. GROWING PAINS: FAQS ABOUT PUBERTY AND KIDS
Why is one of my breasts growing faster than the other?
Do growing pains really exist?
Why can kids tolerate cold pool or ocean water better than adults?
What is a wet dream?
Why do boys sleep later in the morning during puberty?
Why do boys’ breasts grow during puberty?
Why does your voice change at puberty?
Does drinking milk really make you taller?
Why do we have pubic hair?
Does falling in love really cause chemical changes in your brain?
Does television really rot kids’ brains?
CHAPTER 10. NATURAL AND UNNATURAL CURES THAT WE WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT
Why should you breathe into a paper bag when hyperventilating?
Do those instant hand sanitizers really work?
Do copper bracelets help with rheumatism?
Can you get the flu from a flu shot?
Is it true that laughter has healing powers?
Why can we still not cure the common cold?
Why don’t people who take nitroglycerin for their heart ever blow up?
When you use Propecia or Rogaine for hair loss, does hair just grow on your head or on your whole body?
Does ginger have any medicinal qualities?
Can garlic prevent heart disease or cancer?
Do magnets work to cure pain?
Do doctors really still use maggots and leeches?
CHAPTER 11. THE LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT: A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF QUESTIONS
Why do they call it your funny bone if it hurts so bad?
How does aspirin find the pain?
Why do feet smell?
Does arthritis flare up in bad weather?
Why does it feel so hot outside when it is 90 degrees if our body temperature is 98.6?
Why does sucking on helium make your voice sound funny?
What turns snot green?
Why do older people fart more than younger people?
Can bald men get lice?
Do humans really use only 10 to 20 percent of their brains?
Why do Asians turn red after consuming alcohol?
If you dream in color, does it mean you are crazy?
Is it true that you cannot die in a dream?
Are there more violent crimes when the moon is full?
Are you more likely to die in the passenger seat in a car accident?
Is there such a thing as a death erection?
Why do you shiver after you pee?
Why does my butt itch so much?
What causes a split stream when you pee?
CHAPTER 12. ’TIS THE SEASON (TO ASK QUESTIONS)
Are poinsettia plants really poisonous?
Can you get Lyme disease from a reindeer?
Why does turkey make you so sleepy?
What was wrong with Tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol?
What if Santa were lactose intolerant?
Is it true that there are more suicides during the holiday season?
Can your tongue get stuck on a frozen pole?
Can you get drunk from eating rum cake?
What would happen if a morbidly obese man got stuck in a chimney?
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
ALSO BY MARK LEYNER AND BILLY GOLDBERG
THE #1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
COPYRIGHT
This book is dedicated to all the little things that made the production of this book possible and daily life more enjoyable:
A Ambien, Apple Computer, American Idol, Artichokes, Almodóvar
B Bar Pitti, Beer, Balneol, Breakfast Burritos
C Chocolate-Covered Espresso Beans, Chewy Tiny Sweet Tarts, Cap’n Crunch, Chicken Livers
D Diet Mountain Dew, Daytime Movies, Daydreaming E Egg Whites, Espresso
F Flip-Flops, French Fries, Formula One, R.W. Fassbinder, John Ford
G Google, Grand Theft Auto
H Hot Dogs from Gray’s Papaya, Hot Tamales, Hou Hsiao-hsien
I Internet, iPod, Allen Iverson
J Joe’s Pizza, Jamon y Queso, Jaromir Jagr
K Knicks, Sandy Koufax
L Listerine, Law & Order (Criminal Intent)
M Mets, Mary’s Fish Camp, Maalox, Maker’s Mark, Manny Being Manny
N New York Times, NPR, Nyquil, Novocaine
O Osso Bucco, Oysters
P Propel, Percocet, Pedro, Albert Pujols, Project Runway
Q “Quail Hunting”
R Red Wine, Red Vines, Red Bull
S Sour Skittles, Scrabble, Survivor, Steak Frites, Sushi
T Target, Tequila, Tums
U UV Radiation, Underdog
V Vasoline, Valvoline, Velvet Underground, Vitamin C
W WD 40, White Castle
X X-rated anything
Y Yoo Hoo
Z Zeppelin, Zzzzzzzzzzs on the couch with the baseball game burbling in the background…
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Billy:
To Brody Alexander Goldberg: In utero, you inspired this book, and in the flesh you continue to amaze me and your mom. I would also like to thank my parents for all their unwavering support. To David, Patty, Mara, Lily, Dana, David, Lewis, and Benjamin: This ride wouldn’t be as much fun without you. To all my friends and to everyone in the Emergency Department: Thanks for the support and for keeping the abuse to a minimum.
Mark:
To my brilliant and beautiful daughter, Gaby. Miss Higley Higgs. I LOVE YOU. (I know…my b’s 2 b.)
Together we would like to thank…
Amanda Urban (you’re the best), Carrie Thornton, Penny Simon, Steve Ross, Jenny Frost, Jim Walsh, Jennifer Smith, and Alison Schwartz.
OBLIGATORY PRELUDE TO THE FOREWORD TO THE PROLOGUE TO THE PREFACE OF THE INTRODUCTION
OR DOES ANYONE READ THIS CRAP?
Okay, so here we go again….
It feels a bit different this time. When we were writing Why Do Men Have Nipples?, we had no idea that anyone (other than our editor, wives, moms, and dads) would read the book. Shows what we know.
Our little nipples book has sold more than a million copies internationally and spent twenty-five weeks (and counting) on the New York Times bestseller list. You have no idea how much we have loved this ride and how much we adore babbling on TV, drive-time radio, and especially in the makeup rooms where we shamelessly flirted with a succession of fantastic makeup artists at all the major networks. (By the way, Mark prefers the spray-on nozzle method which he likens to being simonized in a car wash.)
But a funny thing happened along the way. We quickly became aware of the fact that we’d barely scratched the surface. As we talked to people who’d enjoyed our first book, we began accumulating hundreds of new questions—some funny, down-to-earth, exotic, some embarrassing, some perplexing, but always thought-provoking enough that we knew we’d have to include them in a brand-new volume.
We realized the gravity of the somber task ahead of us. We felt deputized. We knew we were now bound by honor and a fiduciary duty to you, our readers, to deliver unbiased, unadulterated, thoroughly researched, and unimpeachably factual answers to your questions. Humbled, but galvanized and inspired by the immense challenge that lay before us, we hunkered down in a windowless, anti
septic research cocoon, and made a solemn pledge to produce a new volume that would surpass the original and blaze new trails in the democratization of medical knowledge….
Oh please…SEQUEL!!!!!!! Here it is…Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?
Leyner: You there, Nip Bro?
Gberg: Yeah.
Leyner: Just hit the motherload of medical anomalies and bizarre conditions!
Gberg: Halleluyah.
Gberg: Get us some words too!
Leyner: It’s the table of contents of some obscure academic book…but it lists everything…we just have to pick and choose and look some shit up online…but it’s a complete list. You’ll be delighted.
Gberg: You are prolific!!
Leyner: Don’t worry. Soon we’ll devote ourselves fully to the book. We’ll get it all done…no problem…and have a blast too! I promise you.
Gberg: Will you promise me a rose garden?
Leyner: Alice in Wonderland syndrome!!
Leyner: People who see things in the wrong proportions…very small or very big!!! It’s an actual syndrome!!
Gberg: It wouldn’t be bad to have someone with that syndrome check you out with your pants down.
Leyner: Here’s a whole list of prefixes (e.g., brachi) and suffixes (e.g., plasy, algia, etc.)…we could make a little game of create your own pathology.
Gberg: I also heard that they are changing the name of the disease Reiter’s syndrome because they found out Reiter was a Nazi.
Gberg: Excellent.
Leyner: That’s fantastic!!
Leyner: We should also tell some stories…
Gberg: We only have eight weeks to finish the book.
Gberg: Tight. Very tight.
Leyner: I know. We’ll do it.
Leyner: We could do the book in a month.
Gberg: It will require a lot of chocolate-covered espresso beans and diet Mountain Dew.
Leyner: And we have two.
Leyner: We should really consider a research person.
Leyner: Let’s talk about it on Friday…
Gberg: Or a geisha.
Gberg: A research geisha.
Leyner: Someone to squeegee our ball sweat.
Gberg: Mine are as dry as the Gobi.
Leyner: Maybe we should even save this.
Gberg: Consider it saved.
Leyner: From now on we should save EVERY one of our IMs.
Leyner: Seriously.
Leyner: OK.
Gberg: Done!
Gberg: OK, let’s talk later…
Leyner: Later.
Leyner: Victory or Death.
CHAPTER 1
BATTLE OF THE SEXES