by Mark Leyner
Some studies have also been done in racehorses and here there appears to be some proof that they work better in horses. There is a debate.
These strips were originally approved for the temporary relief of breathing difficulties due to deviated nasal septum. They do seem to work for some snorers. This has been confirmed during sleep testing and measured by a respiratory disturbance index (RDI).
So, if you are a big snorer, a racehorse, or you just don’t care what the scientific evidence proves, go ahead and tape up your nose.
DOES GATORADE WORK BETTER TO QUENCH THIRST?
We shamelessly promoted Propel Fitness Water in our last book and hope that this won’t compromise the integrity of our answer here since Gatorade makes Propel. Writing a book can be exhausting, and we hydrate with Propel, not because of any science, but because it tastes sweet like candy and we love it!
In order to get a more objective answer, we consulted one of Billy’s colleagues who just completed her fellowship in sports medicine. She confirmed that there is some evidence that Gatorade and other sports drinks do offer some benefit for extra-thirsty folks.
These beverages don’t necessarily hydrate better than water, but you are more likely to drink larger volumes (because they taste better than old, boring H2O), which leads to better hydration.
1:34 P.M.
Gberg: Leyner!
1:35 P.M.
Gberg: What’s happenin’?
Leyner: I’m dysthymic and dysphoric and horny and HUNGRY.
Gberg: 2 Ds and 2 Hs. Good.
Leyner: You know if you’re a Hell’s Angel or Mongol (a large Latin biker gang)…you get a merit badge for performing certain unspeakable sexual acts…
Leyner: How come they don’t award badges like that in the Boy Scouts?
Gberg: Must you be so vulgar?
Leyner: I’m going to go get some more coffee and snort another line of freeze-dried desiccated aardwolf gland…be right back.
Gberg: I will be waiting.
Leyner: Be right back, Bunny.
Gberg: Don’t bunny me.
Leyner: Why? I don’t mind when people call me “Misty.”
Leyner: Hey…y’ever treat someone who’d been “peppered” with bird shot?
Gberg: That is really the best story ever!
Leyner: Waiters should stroll by your table and offer freshly ground bird shot for your fettuccine.
Gberg: I can’t wait to see how Jon Stewart mocks Cheney tonight.
Leyner: Imagine…we have a vice president who shoots his own friends in the face…HUNTING. It’s like Elmer Fudd!!
Gberg: Guns don’t kill people…Big fat lying neocon scumbags kill people.
1:45 P.M.
Leyner: That’s great!!! Let’s make T-shirts. We’ll sell them at the Nipples Brothers conventions in the future…I sort of imagine us like William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy when we’re old…attending Nipples conventions…people will dress as us…
Gberg: What are you working on now?
Gberg: We really need a TV show. Not that anyone would watch, but we would have a great time.
Leyner: What am I working on?????
Leyner: The onerous, cash-grab of a sequel…what do you think I’m “working” on?
Gberg: I have to keep track of your progress. The book is due in 3 weeks. I don’t want you spending another 6 hours researching anal sacs of muskrats.
Gberg: And aardwolves.
Leyner: Did you know that even motile single-cell organisms release pheromones to attract other organisms?
Gberg: Did you know that temporary genital numbness is a common side effect of long- distance cycling?
1:50 P.M.
Gberg: Temporary Genital Numbness is a good name for a band.
Leyner: So…in a sense…not to get too metaphysical on you…we are ALL evolved from single-cell anal sacs!! And you talk about INTELLIGENT DESIGN!!
Leyner: Maybe that’s why Sheryl Crowe ditched Lance.
Gberg: Ouch.
Leyner: Maybe he was too numb.
Leyner: Genital numbness is not a problem I’ve experienced.
Gberg: Temporary, my friend. I am sure his perineal sensation is outstanding. I refuse to mock Lance.
Leyner: They’d have to shoot my johnson full of lidocaine with a vet’s syringe to numb that bad boy.
Gberg: Here is another great study—nocturnal penile tumescence and rigidity testing in bicycling patrol officers.
Leyner: Nor, by the way…do I “fall asleep after sex.”
Leyner: THAT’s fantastic!!!!!
Leyner: Sounds like some Benny Hill skit!!!
Gberg: If it isn’t embarrassing enough to be a bicycle cop.
Leyner: It’s better than being a tricycle cop…THAT’s the worst!!
Gberg: This article is great. They monitored the tricycle cops during a sleep session with something called the RigiScan Plus Rigidity Assessment System.
1:55 P.M.
Leyner: Sounds like those vocational tests they used to give us in school to see if we were oriented toward any one profession.
Gberg: I can’t believe some of these studies. They are almost as wild as your fiction.
Leyner: Do they hook them up to something?
Gberg: What career did they suggest for you?
Leyner: We should volunteer…make some extra cash.
Gberg: You could be a RigiScan technician.
Leyner: I always scored very high for forensic entomologist.
Leyner: Always had a soft spot in my heart for putrescence and maggots.
Gberg: I am getting a little teary here.
Leyner: I LOVE Brian Piccolo.
Leyner: Sorry…shouldn’t have said that.
Leyner: So many sexual things occur in men when they are unconscious…it really says something about us.
Gberg: What does Brian’s Song have to do with sex, you psychopath!
Leyner: Wet dreams, nocturnal tumescence, morning erections…it’s like preying mantises…the males keep copulating even after they’re decapitated by their lovers.
2:00 P.M.
Gberg: I love the word “tumescence.”
Gberg: Senescence also is a good one.
Leyner: I guess the RigiScan made me think of Plato’s idealized love between men…and then I OBVIOUSLY flashed on Brian’s Song.
Gberg: I am waiting for some Brokeback joke.
Leyner: I prefer the word “TURGID.” It evokes the sort of erection one might get listening to Led Zeppelin…
Gberg: I need to get a Valentine’s gift for Jessica. I hate that Hallmark holiday.
Leyner: Get her Led Zep’s How the West Was Won.
Leyner: Jimmy Page is my idol.
Gberg: Maybe she is going to get me a RigiScan Plus Rigidity Assessment System.
Leyner: (And Robespierre, of course.)
Gberg: Do you watch American Idol?
Leyner: That would be a sweet gift…fer sure.
Gberg: Imagine Jimmy Page on American Idol.
Gberg: Singing a duet with Clay Aiken.
Leyner: No…just Project Runway…that show with Clinton and what’s her face where they throw people’s wardrobes in the gar bage…and all Law & Order permutations.
2:05 P.M.
Gberg: How was your yakuza DVD that you bought the other day?
Leyner: Original Recipe Law & Order, Criminal Intent (with the venerable Vincent Dinophrio…Dinofrio…Dino di di Lourdes…whatever…AND…SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT…which is reserved for the most HEINOUS crimes).
Leyner: Yakuza in Love?
Leyner: Excellent…maybe you should get that for Jessica for Valentine’s Day!
Gberg: That or a bath pillow.
Leyner: I bet I could pull a perfect 10 on the RigiScan…thrown down a sick run on that RigiScan, dude.
Gberg: When the Leyner carnival comes to town, there is always a long line at the RigiScan.
Leyner: Nothing says I love you like a Mrs. Paul’s frozen kidney pie
and a chilled mango-calcium Propel.
Gberg: Love that new flavor.
Leyner: If you’re having a romantic dinner at home of course…at Chez Goldberg.
Leyner: They didn’t send me any of the calcium drinks…
Gberg: I think I should e-mail the Propel folks before I answer the Gatorade and thirst question to get a quote.
Gberg: Or we can just regurgitate whatever they want us to say if it gets us more free stuff.
2:10 P.M.
Leyner: They sent me the poppy-flavored Propel with extra protein.
Gberg: I want to decorate my white coat at the hospital with Propel ads. Like a Nascar driver’s jumpsuit.
Gberg: And get sprayed with the stuff when I make a good diagnosis.
Leyner: That’s a cool idea…doctors doing product placement!
Gberg: Don’t think those bottom-feeding drug company whores wouldn’t try it.
Leyner: Y’all already walk around with your Viagra notepads and Lunesta panties?
Leyner: Isn’t it interesting that the two most highly advertised drugs seem to be for getting erections AND falling asleep?????
Leyner: Talk about nocturnal tumescence.
Gberg: Right back to the RigiScan.
Leyner: A nice Viagra/Ambien cocktail…and BANG…instant nocturnal turgidity.
Gberg: I won’t even use their stinkin’ pens.
Gberg: I am a revolutionary. Like Che.
Gberg: And then postcoital blindness.
Leyner: Venceremos or however you spell that.
Leyner: I think that’s right!
Gberg: Yeah, preach Brother Leyner, preach.
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU SHOULD EAT A LOT OF CARBOHYDRATES THE NIGHT BEFORE A MARATHON?
If you plan to run the New York City Marathon this year, you should reserve your Saturday night for the annual marathon eve dinner at Tavern on the Green. You can be sure that it will be a carbohydrate-heavy meal since its sponsor is a pasta company. Most marathons have similar meals, but these pre-event meals may not be entirely beneficial.
The old theory behind the big spaghetti meal was that carbohydrate loading could increase the glycogen in the muscles. Glycogen is stored carbohydrate in muscle and it serves as the body’s reserve energy source. Fatigue during endurance activities is partially due to a depletion of muscle glycogen stores.
More recently, last-minute carbohydrate loading has been avoided by most serious marathoners. Experts believe that you should eat a normal diet with about 65 percent carbohydrates the week before the marathon. It is important not to increase your total calories.
If you eat a balanced meal the week before the marathon, you should have already loaded your body with glycogen, so there is no need to carry the extra weight from the big pasta meal. Also, it can be difficult to find a nice bathroom for a sit-down in New York City, and with a belly full of spaghetti bolognese you may need one somewhere around mile 17.
WILL EATING EXTRA PROTEIN HELP BUILD MUSCLE MASS?
If you have ever spent any time in Venice, California, or in Leyner’s kitchen, you might have seen someone gorging himself on obscene amounts of egg whites prior to a workout.
Protein is a very important component of the diet, especially for athletes, but the amount of protein needed is often grossly overestimated. Eating tons of extra protein doesn’t actually do much toward boosting your muscle mass and strength.
If your description of exercise is flipping channels with the remote and occasionally getting up to pee, then your protein needs are about 0.8 grams per kilogram of body weight. For a marathoner that number increases to 1.2 to 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram body weight. If bodybuilding is your gig, you may need up to 1.8 to 2.0 grams per kilogram of body weight. The timing of protein intake is also important. If you eat your egg whites with some carbohydrates within an hour after exercise, this combo stimulates the release of insulin and growth hormone. This leads to the growth of muscle.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF YOU?
What happens? It’s obvious. You gasp for air, feel like puking, whimper like a baby, and cry out for your mommy. The better question is why?
The answer…is that it’s all about the diaphragm.
A blow to the gut, between the belly button and the heart, can cause a temporary paralysis of the diaphragm. This happens because this punch affects an area called the solar plexus, a dense cluster of nerve cells located behind the stomach just below the diaphragm. It is also known as the celiac plexus. When the diaphragm becomes paralyzed, you can’t take in any air, hence the goldfish-flopping-on the-kitchen-table feeling.
DOES PEEING IN THE SHOWER CURE ATHLETE’S FOOT?
Now wouldn’t this be great! Finally, an excuse to pee in the shower.
Proponents of urine therapy claim that it is very effective at eradicating athlete’s foot. (Remember, some of these same people also suggest that drinking urine is good.) They may have a point, at least with the peeing on your foot. Urea, a major component of urine, is used in a cream to aid in the treatment of severe athlete’s foot. Studies have shown that 40 percent urea cream increases the cure rate in athlete’s foot when used with traditional antifungal creams. The urea cream doesn’t exactly cure athlete’s foot itself, it mostly serves to prepare and soften the tissue so that the antifungals can do their work.
So if you have a bad case of athlete’s foot and insist on peeing on your feet, don’t forget the fungal cream. Otherwise, all that shower peeing will be in vain.
WHY DO SOME PEOPLE SWEAT EXCESSIVELY?
In doctor-speak, sweating is referred to as diaphoresis. Excessive sweating is called hyperhidrosis. When excessive sweating occurs in isolation with no apparent cause it is called primary or essential hyperhidrosis. It is important to distinguish this condition from secondary hyperhidrosis, which can be associated with a variety of different conditions. These include: tuberculosis, thyroid disease, tumors, reaction to medication, and menopause.
Primary hyperhidrosis can be focal (in one specific area) or generalized. The most common areas affected are the palms and soles. This is called palmar-plantar hyperhidrosis. You may also just get sweaty pits, axillary hyperhidrosis, or facial sweating, craniofacial hyperhidrosis. Sweating may even occur excessively after an emotional outburst or eating spicy food, called gustatory hyperhidrosis.
The cause of hyperhidrosis is unclear, though it is present in almost 3 percent of the general population. There are many different treatments available, from antiperspirants to surgery. Some medications can prevent the stimulation of sweat glands and Botox has also been used successfully.
CAN TOO MUCH TIME ON A BIKE LEAD TO ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?
Studies have clearly shown that spending too much time sitting on a bicycle seat can affect your “lift-off.” It’s true, bike riders who spend a long time in the saddle are at greater risk for erectile dysfunction.
The problem here is that when you sit on a bicycle seat, you put pressure on the perineum and on the nerves and blood vessels that are responsible for erectile function.
Anatomically, the perineum is the region between the genital area and the anus.
Some of you may know the perineum by these more exotic nicknames:
Taint
Choad
Gooch
Nifkin
Grundle
ABC (Ass-Ball Connection)
The Runway
The No-fly Zone
Compression in this area leads to a decrease in penile blood flow and reduced oxygen in the area. This leads to penile fibrosis, which causes difficulty in the achievement of an erection. Gentleman, choose your seat wisely. There is an increased prevalence of erectile dysfunction when using a narrow saddle.
IS IT GOOD OR BAD TO MASTURBATE/HAVE SEX THE NIGHT BEFORE A BIG GAME?
“The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It’s that they stay out all night looking for it.”
—Casey Stengel
This is de
finitely a topic that will capture an athlete’s interest. A debate revolves around the myth that abstinence can improve an athlete’s performance.
We know that testosterone levels fall temporarily after lovemaking. Testosterone allows humans to build muscle mass and strengthen performance, endurance, and physical ability. It also has been linked to aggression. Coaches who endorse a pre-event sexual abstinence policy believe that sexual frustration will increase aggression and that ejaculation of any kind will decrease testosterone.
Muhammad Ali was a strong proponent of the ejaculation embargo, and often went six weeks without any sexual satisfaction prior to a fight.
Ali was The Greatest, but he probably could have forgone the embargo, without losing a fight. Scientific studies have never found a connection between abstinence and increased performance, endurance, or strength.
Bottom line—you can shoot and still score! Or score and still shoot!
Famous miler Marty Liquori had his own theory: “Sex makes you happy, and happy people don’t run a 3:47 mile.”
Leyner: Nipple Brother…
Leyner: I need to check a call that just came in…
Leyner: Just in case it’s Gaby’s school…
Gberg: Fancy LA call about your script?
Leyner: No…just want to make sure a first-aid kit hasn’t fallen on Gaby’s head…that once happened to her at school.
Gberg: That sucks, to get wounded by the first-aid kit.
Leyner: I’ll be right back.
Gberg: I’ll be waiting.
Leyner: OK.
Leyner: I’m back.
Gberg: And?
Gberg: Is it safe?
Leyner: Some telemarketer hawking a large-print scratch & sniff edition of Why Do Men Have Nipples?
Gberg: Perfect.
Leyner: Perfect.
Leyner: Let’s take a lunch break, homie…I’m so hungry.
2:20 P.M.
Gberg: Hey, I need something funny to add to Is it good or bad to masturbate/have sex the night before a big game? I found 2 great quotes from Casey Stengel and Marty Liquori.